My Soldier: A Miliatary Romance (11 page)

It was as if the past few days had led up to this moment. All the sexual tension, the raw lust; it was about to unleash. And I was taking her, all of her.

Releasing the lock on her lips, I whispered. “I haven't stopped thinking about you.” Running my fingers across her forehead, I brushed the bangs away from her face.

I needed to see her, every inch was worth showing.

Avni's body twitched, the shiver running from her shoulders to her thighs. I watched it spread across her flesh, small goosebumps exploding over the surface.

Flicking her eyes between mine, she said, “Levi, I can't do this.”

“You say you can't, but your body says otherwise.” Biting my lower lip, I trailed a finger over her thigh. “That wasn't the kiss of someone who didn't want what was sitting in front of them.”

“It's not that, this runs deeper. I don't want to get hurt.” Letting her head dip, Avni looked up at me under a canopy of lashes. “That's something I won't let happen again.”

Holding my palm to her cheek, I ran my thumb across her lips. “You need to stop thinking, and tell me what you're feeling?”

Shrugging her shoulder, she glanced down at the floor. “I don't know.”

“Yes you do. You're feeling exactly what I'm feeling, I can see it.” Placing my finger under her chin, I tipped her head up. “Tell me I'm wrong.”

Parting her lips, I could see her trying to form the words in her mind. But she couldn't say them, she knew I was right.

Avni couldn't deny the chemistry between us, it was too strong to just shrug off.

I felt it, and she did too.

Tell me. Tell me you want me. Say what I know you're thinking.

Letting my hand fall to her hip, I dug my fingers into the bone. Her ass swayed forward, thighs spreading with my grip.

Twisting her neck to look at me, she gripped my fingers and peeled them away. “You're wrong. I can't do this, I think you should go.”

“Are you always this stubborn?” Crushing my palm into my thigh, I rubbed the sweat away.

Avni had me burning, my body was on fire ready to explode. And she just wouldn't admit to the attraction between us.

Standing up quickly, she walked to the door, and tore it open. “Please, just go.”

Lifting off the couch, I walked towards her. Her eyes drifted to the floor, staring down at my feet.

“You're not ready to admit I'm right, but you will be...” Raising my hand to her cheek, her head jerked away. Avni contorted her neck to avoid the touch of my fingers, and stepped back. “Trust me, you will.” Shoving my hands into my pockets, I climbed off the stoop.

Glancing over my shoulder, she was resting against the frame. Leaning on one shoulder, Avni stayed to watch me leave.

For some reason, some unknown reason, she didn't want to let me get close to her. But I wasn't going to let her force me away.

Avni wasn't going to be able to deny how she felt forever.

That was one thing I wasn't going to allow, she was going to see it.

And I was going to make her.

Avni

W
hy? Why the fuck did he have to walk into my world?

Throwing myself down onto the bed, I let my head fall into the pillow. I wanted to let him in, more than I had wanted anything else in this world for a long time.

Levi was the strength I needed, the happiness I'd been missing. But he was what I swore I wouldn't let in. Someone like him, someone with that kind of life, would only bring sadness and pain.

A man like him came with disappointments, a life left behind. He was in the Army, eventually he'd be called off, and I'd be here alone.

That's how that shit went, I wasn't stupid. And when he was gone, I'd be left with worry and fear.  I knew that first hand, and I wasn't going to be in that position again.

My head felt like it was going to implode, every nerve in my brain was firing off like lighting in a thunderstorm. Breathing slowly, I forced all the oxygen out from my lungs.

So why does my heart warm when he's around? Why does he have to make me feel this way?

Turning my face into the feather pillow, I let out a gut-wrenching scream. I was able to go an entire year without letting anyone in.

But Levi was chipping away at the stone inside me, causing my entire defense to crumble. It took everything I had to send him away, all the strength I was able to dig up and slice that desire in half.

He needed to leave; I needed him to leave. If he had stayed, I was sure I would've cracked. His touch had put me in a trance, my body was seconds away from breaking.

When I was next to him my muscles trembled, all my insides turned into a boiling inferno. And as much as I wanted to let him explore every inch of me, I just couldn't.

The kiss we had, the way he coiled around my tongue with his; it was electric. I was literally melting inside like hot wax, and he could fucking tell.

I had tried so hard to keep my mind clear and focused, but Levi turned my brain into a sloppy wet mess.

And the little spark set deep inside my gut, the one that I had used to keep myself locked up, and closed off was growing smaller by the minute.

When I finally poured gas back on the fire, it didn't have the impact I wanted it to.

I wanted to feel that safety net, keep myself wrapped behind barbwire. Untouchable to anything or anyone that tried to climb over.

Instead, Levi's face was the flame burning inside me, and that scared the hell out of me.

I knew what was holding me back;
fear.

Fear of feeling, fear of loving, fear of losing.

Losing someone close was what kept me bottled up, it kept me safe. If I didn't open the door to anyone else, there was no way I would ever experience that again.

Yes, I still had my parents, and my little sister;  all capable of that rapid slash of pain when they were called back to their creator. But I had prepared myself for that, that moment when it was their time.

There was no room left inside me to feel for anyone else. I couldn't give myself to Levi. He might not understand why, but I didn't care.

It wasn't him I needed to protect, it was me.

Rolling to my back, my eyes fell to the picture on my bookshelf. An old tattered photo, that barely made it back into my hands. The corners were ripped, large folds creased across the center image.

And in the middle were two faces; the faces of two innocent children.

It was Kevin and me, taken almost ten years ago. We were thirteen, and you could see in our eyes that we didn't have a care in the world.

Pressing off the bed, I held the curved, hard trim of the mattress. Letting my feet swing freely, I just sank into the picture; the day it was taken, the feeling of complete and utter happiness.

We were fishing, arms wrapped over each others shoulders, holding up our catches from the trip. And the smiles, they were streaming with such ease.

Staring at that image, I could feel my belly warm; feel everything I had felt in that moment. It was like it had just happened, like that picture was taken days ago instead of years ago.

Before Kevin was gone, before I lost the one and only person who ever truly understood me; I knew what happiness was, and I embraced it.

Now... Now I just wanted to forget it ever existed.

A part of me felt like it was wrong for me to be happy, or to love. It's so much easier to feel nothing. When there's nothing to feel, there's nothing that hurts. And I still haven't stopped hurting from the loss that took our family by storm.

Closing my eyes tight, Levi hung brightly behind the curtain; his broad shoulders that wrapped my body perfectly, the tender touch of his lips as they met mine.

My throat began to seal shut, the intense tingles that hit me in the core just thinking about our kiss made it hard to breathe. I wanted to give myself to him, let his cock penetrate me as deep as it could go.

There was something about him that was sticking in my head, and I couldn't force him out. The way his chest rippled with vigor when he moved, he was a magnet to my fingers. Every digit wanted to stroke his abs, curl tightly over the engorged ridges of inviolable muscle.

I need some air. There's too much going on in my head.

Thinking had become difficult lately. I had Vito barking up my ass for the money my brother owed him, Levi tugging on the emotions I had tucked away a very long time ago, and it was becoming too much to handle.

Love was something I wanted to forget, connecting with another human being was something I wanted to avoid.

Kevin had been my best friend, someone I could confide in, someone I could trust. And when everything came out, the debt, the lying, the deception he plagued our family with; I let all those feelings get buried with him.

If in the end I couldn't even trust my brother, the man who put his life on the line for ours, the one who I thought told me everything and never kept a single secret...

How was I supposed to trust anyone at all?

How could I ever trust that Levi wouldn't do the same?

Walking to the front door, I grabbed T's leash. “T,” I called out, jingling the long black cord. “Come on, let's go for a walk.”

I heard his tiny feet scamper out from the kitchen, clinking across the wood floor. In a blink he was sitting at my feet, wagging his tail.

Clipping the metal onto his collar, I opened the door. The sun felt fresh and warm on my face, the breeze sent a rush of cool air down my throat.

Hitting the pavement, I let my dog lead the way. It didn't matter to me where we went, so long as it took me far away from what was running through my head.

Passing by a little flower stand, the bright Bluestar flowers caught my eye. Kevin's favorite color was blue, and it had been a little while since I'd gone to see him.

What better day than today?
I needed some guidance, and if anyone could give it to me, it was Kevin.

As much as he was a pain in my ass, and obviously didn't make the best choices himself (Vito had been a perfect example of that) Kevin was really good at helping me work through issues in my life.

Ironic really, how someone who made irresponsible decisions, and left his sister with a royal fucking mess, could give the best advice.

He couldn't control his own existence, but Kevin sure knew how to make me feel better. Everyone always said it was our twin connection. He could read me like a fucking book, even if I tried to hide it. And when he talked, it always calmed me down.

I could listen to him, hear the actual words he was saying, and he always knew what to do.

So many times I had wished he had come to me before he got himself into the mess with Vito, I was sure I could have given him the same help and guidance he always gave me. I never understood why he didn't, why he kept that secret from me.

Despite how pissed I was after Vito showed up in my world, demanding the money my brother owed him, I still needed Kevin in my life.

Although, his advice now needed to come from the graces of God. It was a long shot that he'd be able to help me, but I really had no one else to turn to.

He was still my brother,
always my brother.

And if I spent my time with him just yelling obscenities at a blank expression, so be it. Even a little screaming might help release some of the tension gripping my spine.

What did I have to lose?

Pulling my card from my wallet, I bought a small bouquet of flowers, and headed towards the cemetary.

It was a short distance away, about twenty minutes on foot. And the sounds surrounding me were welcomed into my ears.

On most days the hustle and bustle of the street, the multitude of cars, and the constant noises of construction, were irritating.

Usually I would cuss at the annoying sounds, flipping off my window in the early morning when the new building going up across the street came to life at the bright hour of seven.

But not today, today those sounds filled my brain with something other than my own voice. And for the first time ever, I thanked Frank's construction as I walked by the dirt parking lot.

The soft tap of my sneakers against the asphalt broke into my ears, a dulled tempo beat through the repeating smacks of my soles. I started counting the hits, humming to the music of my feet as I walked.

The gray stone wall emerged over the hill in front of me, the rusty iron gate clanked in place as the wind blew it against the latch holding it closed.

Even though it had been months since I had been to visit my brother, everything still looked the same.

The grass was trimmed short, the trees were pruned to look like they belonged in a magazine, even the walking path was manicured to perfection.

No stone seemed out of place, they all looked meticulously carved into the dirt, resting in the notches the earth had created for that individual piece of rock.

Following the path down, my dog knew the way by heart. He had come with me so many times before, T knew exactly where we needed to go.

Which was perfect, I still didn't want to have to think, I was more than happy to let him lead the way.

I could feel my palms begin to clam up, tongue swelling in the back of my throat. Squeezing firmly around the stems of the flowers, I swallowed hard. I wasn't sure why I had suddenly felt so nervous.

But I did.

My stomach was churning with knots, my chest was heavy, and I was having trouble breathing. I hated that feeling, that uncomfortable aching that started to flood my body.

You've been here so many times before, Avni. Relax.

But this feeling hit me every time I stepped foot inside those walls. I knew it would subside, knew it would eventually fade.

The question I always found myself asking was;
'How long till I accept this?'

Accepting my brother's fate was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. And no matter how many times I reminded myself that I couldn't change a damn thing, I haven't been able to move past it.

And I'm not sure I ever would.

There was a hole in my life, a hole in my heart. My best friend had been swept up, yanked from my grasp.