My Soldier: A Miliatary Romance (4 page)

I wanted to see him again, needed to see him again was more like it. But that need scared me, getting close to someone scared me. I'd spent months building up a wall around myself, a fortress to keep others away.

The pain I had gone through scarred me, I could feel my heart burning inside my chest each day since Kevin had been gone.

It had been just over a year since I lost my brother, and that hurt enough. Kevin and I were really close, we carried a bond that most siblings never experience. We were twins, connecting on a different level that was hard to explain.

The day we lost him, I knew it before we heard the horrible news. I should say I felt it, literally felt his life get sucked from inside me.

It was early morning, waking suddenly, I jolted out of bed. I couldn't breathe, gasping for air like I had been under water for too long and didn't realize how far away the surface was.

Later that morning, there was a knock on our door, my mother answered, and she collapsed to the floor. The men on the front step didn't even have time to say a word before my mother started screaming.

Right then I knew, Kevin was gone, and I had felt him leave.

Ever since then, there's been a feeling of emptiness at my mom's house. It became torture for me to be there, all our memories, our childhood together, all of that was wrapped inside those walls.

And without him there, knowing he was never coming home... That was when my wall started to take shape.

Not long after I decided to move out, I couldn't be there anymore. It was too much for me to bear. I loved him, and when he was stolen from us, nothing felt the same.

The screeching of brakes hit my ears, knocking me from my thoughts. Slamming my foot down hard on the pedal, my car slid to a stop. Looking up, a gold sedan was inches from creaming my front end.

I hadn't noticed the stop sign, I was so caught up inside my own head, the world around me had disappeared.
Fuck, Avni! Pay attention!

The man in the car threw his middle finger up, screaming some obscenity in my direction.

Waving a hand towards him, I yelled back. “Sorry!” Hitting the gas, I carried on my way.

Shaking my head, I huffed under my breath. “You can't keep doing that, you're going to get yourself killed.”

That wasn't the first time since losing my brother I let myself get pulled from what I was doing, and focused only on my thoughts.

Honestly, I usually didn't even realize it was happening. It always started with his face, his image would pop into my head, and that was it. My mind would start to wander, from memories of us as kids, to thoughts about the day he was taken away.

And every time I thought about that day, I relived it all over again. The feelings bubbled up, floating to the surface. And I was right there again, in that living room, picking my mom up from the floor.

Turning the wheel, I pulled into Quonset point, a small inlet that overlooked the ocean. It was a nice, quiet place for me to clear my head.

I wasn't ready to go home, I had to get my head straight. That small parking lot had been my spot to regain control and get my mind back in check for years.

And fuck... I needed that today.

Levi, his chiseled jawline that looked like it could cut a diamond, was melting into my brain. Inhaling a deep breath, his scent still lingered in the air. And I almost wished he was still sitting right beside me.

Avni, what the hell? How is this guy getting into your head?
I asked myself, letting my hand cradle the base of my skull. No one had been able to wriggle their way into and over my defenses.

But he was, Levi had found a kink in my armor. He helped me, laid out the motherfucker who was making my world a living hell.

And why? Why had he done that? I couldn't figure that out.

He had no reason to step in, but he did. Brushing the bangs from my face, I let my lids close. A headache was forming deep behind my eyes, rubbing my temples, I tried to push it out.

What harm could come from going out with him one night? He deserves a little something for what he did.

I knew the least I could do was go out with him once, have dinner, maybe let him come run around the store with me. That's all it had to be, nothing else. There was no harm in that.

And I was going to make sure he knew that was it, nothing more. I had the strength to keep him at arms distance, I didn't know him from a hole in the wall.

You're being dramatic, and over thinking this. Stop it.
My brother's most famous words to me played in my head, echoing into my ears.

Breathing slowly through my nose, a thin smile tugged at the corner of my mouth. Kevin was always right, and when he would say that to me...

I'd never admit it, but he was.

Spotting the small silver box in my cup holder, I picked it up an spun it in my fingers.
One more stop before heading home.

***

T
he crunch of gravel sounded in my ears as I pulled into the driveway. The hard stones cracking and popping under the tires was a familiar sound, a comforting sound. It was the sound that for so many years gave away my late night, past curfew, arrival to my mother.

And even now, it was no different. Before I had time to pull my key from the ignition, my mother's head was propped up in the small, triangle-shaped glass window on the front door. Her eyes smiled from behind the glass as she stood on her tippy toes to peek out at who had just showed up.

When I was a kid, I never saw her in the window. She was a lot sneakier back then, and since I had been breaking the rules to begin with, she never gave me the slightest clue that she was even there.

That was until I woke up the next morning. I would always think,
'yeah, this time I did it. I'm the next fucking David Copperfield. She doesn't even know I was gone.'
I knew exactly where every creek in the wood floors were, the right pace to open the door so the old rusty hinges didn't give me away.

But for some reason, it never mattered. My mom didn't always greet me when I came in either, nope not her.

The first few times she was waiting for me on the couch, hands cupped under her chin, eyes thin and full of anger. Then it manifested into something else, something that was completely outside the box to prove her point.

She would wait until the next morning when I was asleep, thinking I was home free then... Bam! I'd get smacked with a cup of ice at six in the morning, or be woken up to the world's loudest blender in my room. She'd always do something to make sure my late night was followed by an early morning.

The sad thing was I never knew how she found out. So many times I had thought I was in the clear.

But she always knew, and she'd tell me every time it was her motherly instincts, her super mom powers.

'Bullshit,'
I'd say, and she would laugh at me. All while sipping on her smoothie at the end of my bed.

It wasn't until after I graduated high school she finally told me her secret to catching me. The fucking rocks in our driveway, it was the sound of those rocks that always gave me away.

And of course her super instincts she would add, but it was mostly the rocks.

Tugging the door open, my mother stood with a huge grin on her face. “Hey, Mom,” I said, stepping out of my car. “I brought coffee.”

“You're a Godsend. And you know just how to make your mother happy.” Holding the front screen door open, she was still glowing over my unannounced pop in. “Caffeine, it's practically the only thing that will get you through this door.”

“Ha ha, funny. You know you love me.” A thin smile pulled at the corners of my mouth, circling my fingers around my scalp I created an imaginary halo.

“Yeah, nice try. But the only angel around here is Livie, right Hun?” Using her hands to sign the words to my little sister, the two smiled and giggled together.

“Oh good, I'm glad Livie's up. I brought her a little something.” Crossing the threshold, I stepped inside. Squinting my eyes, it was so damn bright outside, I had to wait and adjust to the lighting. When I entered the house everything was cast in dark shadows, like I had just walked in wearing sunglasses.

Inhaling a deep breath, the scent of apples crept into my nose. It was a familiar smell, the same smell my parents house always had.

My mom loved apple candles, I can't even count how many she's been through over the years.

The best thing about my mom and her candles was the fact she actually saved all the leftover wax. My mom would literally dig and scrape the wax out of the jar, then she'd toss it into an old coffee can.

Once, I finally got curious enough to ask why she did that. Her answer...
“Because it's still good,”
she could melt down the pieces and create her own candle.

The one problem, she never actually did it. There had to be over twenty coffee cans filled to the brim in the garage with chunks of apple scented wax. But that was mom, so I never gave it another thought.

And as much as it felt good to have that sense of familiarity, that sense of comfort; coming home also brought so much unwanted pain.

It hadn't stopped, it never got easier. Every time I stepped foot through that door, a part of me waited to hear my brother.

That pause of anticipation, the waiting for his footsteps... It was always there. Then it would fade when I finally shook myself. But it happened every time, and I hated it.

A high pitched squeak hit my ears, and instantly my stomach warmed. It was my little sister showing her excitement to see me. Livie was ten years younger than me, and for my parents... A complete surprise.

My mother had my brother and me when she was thirty-five, and when she stopped getting her period at forty-five, she figured it was early menopause. Never in her wildest dreams did she think she was pregnant.

It was hell for her to even get pregnant with us, two fertility treatments later and she was having twins. According to the doctors she couldn't get pregnant naturally, there was an issue with her uterus.

Then there was a miracle, Livie. All the doctors and specialists had warned her that having a child at her age could result in birth defects, learning disabilities, or even worse not making it through the birth at all.

My mom, she didn't care about the risks. That baby was a miracle to her and my dad, a pure piece of heaven sent down to them. And regardless of what happened, she was having that baby.

Livie, she was the happiest kid I've ever known. And despite the daily hardships she faced, nothing in this world seemed to ever break her spirit. For that... I was thankful.

“Livie, I have a present for you.” Using my hands to speak to my sister, I watched her face light up with joy. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out the small silver box.

Her eyes opened wide, stretching beyond their limit. A soft grunt escaped her lips as she leaned in to stare at the shiny object. Pointing with her finger, Livie signed the words, 'For me?'

“You know, Avni, your sister has enough stuff. She doesn't need more.” Clenching her fingers together, I watched Livie's face sour to our mother's observation.

Shaking my head, I looked into Livie's eyes. Her laugh came out louder than I think she could ever realize. Since she was born deaf, sound was something that she never experienced. And with autism, her excitement at times was uncontrollable.

Livie loved anything that sparkled, if it shined bright or had some sort of light, it would captivate her for hours.

So, anytime I saw anything I thought she would love, I would buy it. I couldn't help myself, bringing her joy gave me one thing to still look forward to in life.

I wasn't sure how much she understood about losing our brother. There were times she would cry, which seemed so out of place, so unexpected. And hours later she would walk up to a picture of him and point even though the tears had faded long ago.

Then there were the days she would throw a huge tantrum, refusing to move off the floor while screaming and pulling at her hair.

Over the years she did that from time to time, but it had gotten worse after everything happened with Kevin.

“Open it,” I said to her, my fingers working to get the words to her as quickly as I could.

Glancing over at our mother, the two of us sent puppy dog pleading eyes up to our mom. “Alright, go on.” Rolling her hand, she said, “Open it up, Liv.”

Her teeth emerged behind a quiet gasp. Dipping her head, she lifted the box from my palm. Turning it around, she looked over each side, holding it into the light so she could watch it twinkle.

“Come on, the best part is inside. But the box is yours too.”

Biting on her tongue, my sister peeled the lid off. Jerking her head up, she looked between me and the small object inside. Pulling on the chain, she lifted the necklace up.

It was a small locket, inside was a picture of our family. It was all five of us a couple of summers ago at the beach.

During a time when the smiles were endless and we were all together. A much happier, much more '
whole'
time for our family.

“Let me see, I'll put it on you.” Wrapping it around her neck, I clipped the latch. “Alright, now watch this.” Squeezing the heart shaped locket closed, I gave it an extra push.

The front of the heart began to flash and sparkle with lights, the bright purple lighting lit up around the edges, dancing across it in waves. And my sister glowed. Her face went taut, eyes fixed on the mesmerizing flickers.

“That's pretty, Hun,” my mom said, leaning her weight into the door frame. Waving her hand to get Livie's attention, she traced the outline of her face with closed fingers and an open palm, letting her know she thought it was beautiful. “And you said you have coffee for me right?”

Laughing, I stood up and turned to her. “I sure do, with a shot of espresso.”

“You do love your mother, what a good daughter.” Running her fingers across my shoulder, she wrapped me in a side hug. “Livie will be busy for a while with that necklace, want to sit out back?”

“No, I can't stay.”