My Star (3 page)

“I'm sorry. It's all classified and I don't actually know if I'm allowed to discuss this with other crew members.” Rosie seems insecure.

“Why not? We're part of the same crew. I've sworn confidentiality too. I'm supposed to write about everything that happens on this mission—so if you won't tell me, then you're obstructing my work. You've got to tell me.” I feel myself getting bossy, and now that I notice, I actually don't like it.

Rosie looks confused and at a loss for words.

I want to relieve the tension. “You can consider me to be the human recording device… so please speak into me…” I try to be funny and pretend to be an old-fashioned recording machine.

Rosie just looks as me without smiling. She looks very insecure, and then, without a word, she walks away.

Damn it! I feel like a fool.

I see Rosie talking to another crew member, a man. They stand close and clearly have a private conversation. They both look serious. They quickly conclude the conversation and part.

I follow Rosie and catch up with her. “Can we please talk?” I make sure I sound friendly and non-threatening.

“My supervisor said I can only speak to you about things that specifically happen on this mission. And so far I've got nothing to report.” Her voice is low and firm, and it’s clear she has nothing more to say. With determination in her steps, she walks away.

I let it go... for now.

Now I know there's something I don't know. Something I want to know. Something I must know.

THREE

captain

I noticed Rosie mention her supervisor, which makes me realize that I don’t know who my supervisor is—although I’m sure I have one. I’m so unprepared for this trip. But of all the things I don’t know, the least of my concerns is who my superior ranking officers are. I’m not keen for bosses anyway. All I want to know, is what Rosie and others seems to know about the presence of ETB’s. I look for the man she was talking to, but can’t find him. I suppose it would be a dead end anyway, since I can only assume that he’ll too keep knowledge to himself. In hindsight, Rosie told me things voluntarily, when I was just casually talking to her about the mission. It wasn’t until I got hungry for knowledge and got a bit bossy and weird, that she went timid and shut up like a clam. What’s wrong with me anyway—scaring people off like that? I gotta bottle up my kookiness and my eager enthusiasm, and save it for appropriate circumstances. When will I ever learn to behave? I sigh.

I spot Kurt talking to Martin, and feel comforted by the thought of speaking to Kurt. I’m certain he’ll be happy to talk to me. He might even want to tell me classified stuff just to impress me.

“Hi guys.” I smile and make sure I don’t appear at all bossy. From now on I’ll be just surfing for voluntary information that comes to me without pushing.

“Hi Millie. Martin, this is Millie—Millie—Martin.” Kurt introduces us, and Martin and I shake hands. Up close, Martin is ungroomed and in need of a better personal hygiene, in my opinion. He is tall, chubby, dark curly hair, wild beard, and wearing greasy glasses. His clothes clearly aren’t newly washed, and his hand is sticky and feels dirty. It looks like he never gets out of his clothes, and there’s a certain smell about him that I can’t put my finger on. He gives an air of being a nerdy and overprotected mommy’s boy, who’s never been told to wash his hands or tidy up his room. An uncool guy who has most likely been an outsider all his life.

I always felt like an outsider myself, but at least not as uncool or shabby as this guy. I expect that most of the crew can be considered outsiders—as far as they’re experts focused on one narrow field of knowledge... or in one word—nerds. Growing up, I always found it peculiar why the nerds, the really intelligent kids, weren’t the ones running things. It seemed to be the street-smart kids, the more aggressive and selfish kids, who were leading and taking up everyone’s attention. In my mind it should be the other way around.

“Hi Millie. I noticed you at the prep meetings. Oh, and sorry for the air scare earlier.” Martin smiles apologetically.

“No worries about the oxygen incident. I suffered no more harm than suddenly wanting a cigarette.” I smile to make him feel at ease, and both he and Kurt laughs.

“I made you start smoking, did I?” Martin chuckles.

“I certainly felt the need to inhale, that’s for sure. Did you find the problem?”

“Well, I actually didn’t find the problem as yet. But everything seems to work fine now, so I’m sure it was just a stand-alone glitch. Anyway, Kurt has volunteered to help out, so we’re taking turns checking up on the system, so it won’t happen again, I assure you. What is it that you do?” Martin smiles disarmingly and seems eager to change the subject.

I wonder if this is the perfect time to start circling my real topic of interest. “I write the log, and I am in fact just about to write about our expedition. Would you say our mission is to collect intel on ET activity, or what would you say the mission is?” I wonder if I’m too direct after all, and silently swear to be more subtle next time, if I’ve not scared him off already.

“I’d say that the mission is to get intel on forms of life and facts in general in space. But that’s not why I’m here. I’m here because of what you say.” Martin seems fired up and eager to talk. He’s not the least scared off. He might in fact just be happy to talk about anything other than the topic of the oxygen.

“So what does that mean you are here for?” Kurt joins the conversation.

“I’m here because I want to see Extra-Terrestrial Beings. I’m certain they exist, and I’m determined to meet them.”

“What do you know about ETB’s? Do you have any proof of their existence?” Kurt seems genuinely interested, and I’m happy to let him do the digging for me. I make a point of biting my tongue this time.

“I’ve been on three Apollo trips before, and all kinds of weird shit happened each time, that I’m sure were caused by interference by ET’s. It must have been. I’m certain of it. But I’ve never seen one face to face. But every time we landed back on Earth, it was like everything we learned evaporated and was forgotten. Nothing was ever announced publicly about it, and we didn’t get interviewed for tv or papers or anything. Not even the other crew members wanted to talk about it or just keep in touch.” Martin sounds a little desperate.

I suddenly get the impression he’s highly manic and somewhat panicked about it all. Quite the opposite of Rosie, he seems like he’ll not stop talking as long as anyone listens.

“We should’ve been celebrated as heroes, and people should’ve wanted to hear about our experiences—but there was none of that. It’s like we were isolated by an invisible, yet impenetrable wall, that kept us from the rest of the world. Even from each other. I’ve been to space with several of the guys on this crew before, and still they treat me like a stranger.” Martin glances around the room at the other crew members.

In Martin, I suddenly see some of the ‘peculiar’ qualities I always found in the rather conspicuous people in the media, who claimed to have seen aliens. All he needs is a hat and a week without a shower, and he’ll fit my description. I actually suspect he’s already gone a week without a shower. I wonder if he’s really reliable. He certainly seems lonely and desperate for connection with other people. Am I about to join his club as a freaky outsider on a ship where we were all supposed to be outsiders? Am I like Martin—an outsider amongst outsiders? You can’t get more outside than that...

“I’ve been in space once before, but I didn’t experience anything particularly out of the ordinary. I collected samples, gathered data, and enjoyed the way the light seems to bend and behave differently away from Earth. I never saw any trace of ET Beings. But you’re right about how the crew members seem to keep to themselves.” Kurt pats Martin supportingly on the back.

“Well, did the comms department on your vessel pick something up?” Martin leans in towards Kurt, impatient for an answer.

“I never heard about anything, but I actually don’t know for sure. As you say, crew members generally seem to keep to themselves. And I was busy with my tasks, and didn’t spend a lot of time hanging around to have been able to notice what they were doing.” Kurt pauses for a while, and his eyes seems to gaze into the past.

“Well there you go. They could’ve picked up all sorts of messages from ET’s without you ever hearing about it. Almost every time I’ve been out here, the comms department has picked up messages from ET’s. No one ever told me anything directly, but I’ve overheard things. Since I work with ventilation and air supply in all rooms, and never leave the vessel, it’s my job to hang around the ship all the time, and adjust the air supply. Whilst doing my job, I’ve overheard conversations, reports back to headquarters, and actual ET messages as they were picked up and recorded. And I’m telling you—they’re out there, and they’re communicating with us!” Martin’s eyes are wide open, but he keeps his voice down. Surely he doesn’t want anybody else to know that he’s the master of eavesdropping.

“You’re right; I never heard what the comms department or other departments found. I just did my job and expected everyone to automatically tell me if they found something of interest.” Kurt continued. “So what did they say? Do you know what the ET messages were about?”

“I’m not sure at all, since some of the messages were transmitted in a sort of binary code, so it needed to be calculated and translated by a computer before you could read it. It sounded like some sort of Morse code and not like language at all, so I never found out what the messages were saying.” Martin looks like his curiosity is killing him.

“I see... so if the messages were binary, then how do you know if the messages were of ET origin and not originating from Earth?” Kurt still doesn’t seem convinced.

I’m silently thrilled that Kurt is asking all the right questions.

“I don’t. Still I do believe it was alien messages because of the way they reported back to HQ about it, and the way they were so hush-hush about it all. I mean—why would anyone be secretive about some ordinary message from Earth?” Martin is excited and struggling to keep his voice down.

“I understand your point. But I don’t see a clear proof of ET’s anywhere in what you’re saying. Did other things happen?”

“Well, then there was the light...” Martin sounds a bit discouraged that his enthusiasm hasn’t rubbed sufficiently off on Kurt.

“I saw beautiful light too and enjoyed the way it worked somewhat differently than on Earth.” Kurt smiles as he remembers.

“Exactly! The light behaved differently... because it was controlled by ET’s somehow.” Martin sounds reignited.

“You think the light is controlled by ET’s? Hmm... I’m not sure about that. And I certainly don’t think the beautiful light proves ET presence. Light is just a natural phenomenon. Nothing peculiar about that.” Kurt sounds like he’s about to conclude the conversation. “It would be an honor and a great adventure to meet ET Beings, but so far I don’t think we’re anywhere close.”

Martin looks disheartened, and I take pity on him. After all, I’ve got a hunch that he might be right about some of what he’s saying, even if he doesn’t seem to have proof.

“I’m happy to keep my eyes and ears open to see what’s happening around the ship. If we pick something up, then let’s discuss it, shall we?” I smile and look directly at Martin and Kurt to get their commitment.

They both nod in agreement. Martin groans and walks off. Kurt smiles back at me and touch my arm in a manner I find too intimate to be at ease with, so I head for the lavatory section as an excuse.

As I exit the lavatory section, I literally bump into the supervisor Rosie had been talking to.

“Oh, please excuse me, Sir.” I make a point of being very polite.

“Okay, not a problem.” He speaks quickly and seems busy to get elsewhere.

“Actually I’m not sure we’ve been properly introduced, so may I take this opportunity?” I smile and reach out to shake his hand.

“Right. Captain Alvah.” He looks unamused, shakes my hand, and hesitates for a moment.

“I’m Millie. I write the log. So far I’ve not written much, but would like to start off describing the mission in detail.” I pause and wait for his reaction.

“Yes, I know who you are. You’re the wildcard. If it had been up to me, you wouldn’t be on this ship, but someone above me was adamant it had to be you.” Captain Alvah looks directly at me without flinching.

“Oh, I see. Well, then I certainly hope that I’ll live up to your requirements for a Recording Officer.” I’m baffled and try to disguise it with charm. 

“I doubt you will. And please don’t milk the other crew members for intel from other missions. They’re bound by a strict code of silence, as are you.” He’s stern and direct. No polite small talking bullshit walkabout the bush.

“Yes, of course. I’m sorry if I’ve made anyone uncomfortable.” I feel the cold front roll over me. No point in trying to explain or make the interaction with Rosie look like an innocent misunderstanding. He has my number all right!

“As you’re writing the log, I suggest you rightly start off with the mission statement. That should contain the target and goal of the Apollo 56 exploration, current data updates from all departments, and risk assessments—especially of how likely it is that we’re returning to Earth again. And the two latter points should be revisited every time you write the log.” Captain Alvah’s eyes are so piercing that it feels like they’ll penetrate my head like laser beams.

“Yes Sir. I shall certainly do that.” I pause and try to bite my tongue unsuccessfully. “Does that mean that there’s a chance we might not return to Earth? All the other Apollo’s I’ve heard of, returned safely to Earth...”

“We’re going much deeper into space than any vessel has been before. We’re on a virgin ride carrying brand new engine technology to create extreme speed through space. We only carry enough oxygen and provisions for everything to stay on schedule, so if anything slows us down, then the risk exists that we will indeed not make it back alive.” Captain Alvah looks ever so slightly triumphant.