Nameless Series Boxed Set (61 page)

It got bad
again that night, however. After she put the girls to bed in the guest room
next to hers, she got ready for bed herself and tried to read some. But she
couldn’t concentrate. Eventually she’d turned off the light and felt a brutal
ache of loneliness.

She cried a
little bit, but mostly she just lay awake—felt scared and uncertain and
bewildered and so many things she couldn’t possibly sort out.

She wasn’t even
sure what she was doing. Or why she was doing it.

After a while,
she heard a noise. Then saw her bedroom door swing open.

Erin raised her
head as Mackenzie came into the room, followed by Anna. Mackenzie was holding
Anna’s hand.

As the girls
approached the bed, Erin asked, “What is it? Is something wrong?”

Now that they
were closer, Erin could see that Anna’s face was scrunched up and Mackenzie’s
eyes were silently anxious.

“Anna was
scared,” Mackenzie explained.

Anna nodded
earnestly. “The house makes bad noises.”

“Oh,” Erin
murmured, reaching out to stroke Anna’s arm. “Old houses always make noises
like that. They’re not bad.”

Anna frowned
and her mouth wobbled a little. “They is bad.” She was eyeing Erin pleadingly.

Erin didn’t
have the heart to refuse.

She lifted the
covers invitingly. “Did you want to sleep in here with me tonight?”

Anna’s only
answer was to scrabble into bed as quickly as she could and cuddle up beside
Erin.

Mackenzie was
still standing there watching them. Would never admit that she wanted to stay
as much as her little sister did.

“Did you want
to sleep in here too?” Erin offered. “There’s lots of room.”

Anna’s head
popped up. “Lots and lots.”

Mackenzie shook
her head, although she was eyeing the bed longingly. “Just Anna was scared.”

 “I know. You
were very nice to take care of her. But she might feel better if both of us
were here with her.”

“Yes,” Anna
affirmed. “Mac stay too.”

“Okay,”
Mackenzie agreed. Her voice made it sound as if it weren’t a big deal, but she
crawled in quickly and curled up eagerly beside her sister under the covers.

Erin could
reach both of them, so she stroked their hair and shoulders soothingly until
their breathing slowed down and they fell asleep.

By then, Erin
was close to sleep herself. She was suddenly utterly exhausted and could barely
keep her eyes opened. She felt a little better now, with her daughters so close
to her, their childish breathing lulling her to sleep.

But her last
thought before she drifted off was of Seth. She wondered if he was sleeping
tonight. If he was thinking of her and the girls. If he hated her for leaving
him the way she had.

Erin knew too
well what it was like to lay awake in that huge bed, staring at the other,
empty side.

So her final
conscious awareness was a raw ache for Seth, who was sleeping in the vast,
silent apartment all alone.

“Don’t!” Mackenzie snapped.
“You’re messing it up.” Frowning, she leaned over to protect her precious
handiwork from her sister’s messy fingers.

“But I wanna
help,” Anna insisted, bending her legs into an awkward squat in an attempt to
get down far enough to see what Mackenzie was hiding from her.

“You don’t know
how to do it right. You can pick some more dandelions, if you want to help.”
She straightened up again, keeping a wary eye on her little sister. Then she
started to sort through the piles of bright yellow dandelions that Anna had
spent the last fifteen minutes collecting for her.

Erin and the
girls were lying out on a blanket in the wide expanse of grass beside the house
she’d grown up in. Erin was reading, and the girls had been drawing in new
sketch books with colored pencils, which their grandfather had bought them
yesterday.

But, a
half-hour ago, Mackenzie had started idly braiding and weaving together the
stems of a few dandelions. Becoming absorbed in this new project, she’d kept it
up until she had a nice-sized mat of flowers and stems now. While it wasn’t
particularly attractive, it was impressive that she’d somehow been able to
weave so many together.

Anna, of course,
had been immediately mesmerized. She’d traipsed around on a fervent quest for
as many dandelions as she could find, coming back several times to their
blanket with her hands full of the colorful weeds.

At her sister’s
suggestion, however, Anna stuck out her chin and sniffed. “I don’t wanna pick
more. I wanna help Mac.”

Erin couldn’t
help but smile covertly at Anna’s earnest attempt to participate. While still
pretending to read, she was keeping an eye on her daughters, in case the little
tiff became a full-fledged fight.

“I’m doing this
one,” Mackenzie said. “You can do your own if you want.” Picking out several of
the dandelions which Anna had torn too close to the head, she added, “Some of
these are too short. I need long stems.”

Anna was
breathing loudly through her nose as she rifled through the messy heap. Finding
a few appropriate specimens and offering them, she declared victoriously,
“These is long stems.”

“These are long
stems, honey,” Erin corrected automatically.

Anna nodded, as
if her mother had just proven her point. “These are long stems.”

Mackenzie
accepted the dandelions with the longer stems and started braiding them into
her creation, but she wailed when Anna reached out for the mat yet again.
“Anna, no. You’ll mess it up. Make your own.”

Anna pulled
back at this rebuff. Then she sat down on her bottom with a loud huff. She was
wearing denim shorts with flower appliqués on one side and a matching pink
shirt. Her hair was braided into two short pigtails, to match Mackenzie’s much
longer ones, and her cheeks were very rosy, but that must just be from her
exertion in picking all the dandelions, since Erin had put sunblock on all of
them before they’d come out to sit in the sun.

Anna grabbed
some of the dandelions and started twisting them together determinedly,
occasionally glancing over at Mackenzie to see how her sister was managing this
difficult procedure. Erin had a pretty good suspicion about how Anna’s attempt
would turn out.

She was right.
A few minutes later, Anna whined, “Mommy!” When Erin glanced up, Anna held up a
mess of bent stems and torn dandelion heads. Anna’s mouth was turned down in a
pitiful frown. “It's not right.”

Mackenzie
snickered and kept working busily on her much more successful mat of
dandelions.

“Maybe
Mackenzie can help you after she’s done,” Erin suggested, making sure she
didn’t snicker herself at Anna’s botched attempt. “And maybe you can watch her
until then.”

“Mac, help me
please?” Anna scooted over so she could get a better look at Mackenzie’s work.

“After I’m
done.” She turned her body protectively, to block Anna’s view.

Anna tried to
peer around Mackenzie’s body and then tried to peek over her shoulder. When
neither of these efforts was successful, she turned back to Erin beseechingly.
“Mommy!”

Erin cleared her
throat. “I’m sure, since you worked so hard to pick all those dandelions for
Mackenzie, she’ll at least let you watch.”

With a long
sigh, Mackenzie straightened up again. Held out the dandelion mat so Anna could
see. “You can watch,” she said, perking up when Erin smiled at her
appreciatively. “But we have to be very, very careful or it will fall apart.”

Anna nodded
soberly, her blue eyes round. Very carefully, she reached down to pick up a
dandelion. “This one is good?” she whispered, handing it cautiously to
Mackenzie, as if the slightest move might trigger a spontaneous explosion of
the admired mat.

Mackenzie
nodded and took the proffered weed. “That one is good.” She started to weave it
in with the others.

Erin stifled a
giggle and relaxed again, glad the storm had been averted. They usually played
together quite well, but an occasional fight, some minor, some traumatic, was
unavoidable.

It was
mid-morning on Saturday, and Seth was supposed to arrive around lunch time to
spend the afternoon with the girls. The week hadn’t been as bad for the girls
as Erin had feared. They were excited about visiting their grandfather, so they
hadn’t seemed too upset or worried about their altered situation. Seth had come
out on Wednesday evening, which both Anna and Mackenzie had gushed about all
day Thursday.

Erin had taken
some time for herself on Wednesday so she hadn’t been around for Seth’s visit.
It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see him, but she felt rather awkward about
the whole situation, and it had been easier for her not to be there when he
arrived.

She thought the
week had, as a whole, been good for her. She’d been able to mostly relax—which
she hadn’t done in a really long time—and think through a lot of the issues
that were troubling her, without the stress of really dealing with everything
yet. She knew she’d need to deal with it—deal with Seth—soon, but she thought
this brief break had somehow helped prepare her for it.

Things had
built up to such an extent over the last year that Erin had found herself subconsciously
panicking at the thought of having to fix things. She hadn’t been able to even
imagine what she needed to do to start to improve things, much less know how
she was supposed to begin. This slight distance had given her better
perspective, and she had a clearer sense about how she and Seth might start to
tackle things. So for the first time in a long time, she felt slightly
encouraged about there being a way out of the rut.

It wasn't going
to be easy, but she could at least see that it was possible.

She hadn’t been
really happy this week, but she'd been reflective and quiet and emotional.
Ridiculously emotional, really. She'd been crying at the drop of a hat. Not
just out of fear or loneliness, but also because of silly things--like watching
her father play with her squealing daughters, pretending he was a horse.

Today, however,
she was feeling pretty good. Composed and calm and not emotional at all. Which
was good, since she wasn’t planning to avoid Seth this afternoon. Yes, she was
going to give him some alone time with the girls, but she didn’t want him to
think she was hiding from him.

In fact, if she
admitted the truth, she was actually looking forward to seeing him.

She’d missed
him a lot this week. She'd missed him a lot for the last few months.

Erin tried to
concentrate on reading her book, since there were still a couple more hours
before Seth would arrive. Glancing over to make sure her daughters were still
behaving, she arranged her long skirt around her bare legs. She was wearing a
loose sleeveless top and a cotton skirt. Not her normal style, but it was cool
and comfortable for the hot day, the flowing lines deemphasized the fuller
curves from the pounds she’d put on over the last month, and the outfit made
her feel kind of old-fashioned and feminine.

It seemed silly
to want to look pretty for Seth today—he was her husband of four years and
there were so many issues between them—but she did. She wanted to look pretty.
So she’d put on the skirt and flattering top this morning, instead of the old
capris she’d been about to wear.

And then she’d
actually preened when Anna declared that Mommy looked like a princess.

“Daddy’s here?”
Anna asked, out of the blue.

Erin glanced
over at her daughter and shook her head. “Daddy’s not going to be here for a
couple more hours.”

But Anna wasn’t
looking at her. She was staring across the distance toward the house. “Daddy!”
Anna burst out, this time jumping to her feet.

Erin looked
over to see what her daughter had noticed, and then felt her own heart leap into
her throat.

It was Seth.
His lean body and posture were impossible to mistake, even from this far away.
He must have seen them because he was facing in their direction. As Erin
watched, he took a few steps toward them.

“Daddy!” Anna
cried again, her face beaming with excitement. She started running toward her
father, but then jerked to stop and looked back questioningly at Erin.

Erin felt a
strange ache in her throat at this hesitance, but she smiled and nodded. “Of
course. Go give him a hug hello.”

Anna giggled
and ran across the grass—which she’d previously cleared of dandelions—as fast
as her little legs could carry her.

Erin was
feeling an inexplicable combination of pleasure, excitement, bone-deep anxiety,
and a poignant kind of tension. She couldn’t remember ever feeling exactly like
this before. The closest she could come was when she’d first found out she was
pregnant with Mackenzie and decided she was keeping the baby.

At this
thought, she managed to look away from Seth’s approaching figure and toward her
older daughter, who hadn’t moved from the blanket on which she sat
cross-legged.

“Mackenzie?
Don’t you want to go say hi to your daddy too?”

Mackenzie had
been staring urgently at Seth, who just then was scooping up Anna and whirling
her around in a hug that made the girl squeal. But at Erin’s question,
Mackenzie looked back down at her dandelion mat. Shook her head mutely.

Erin’s own
emotional response shifted into a deep surge of concern. “Why not, pumpkin? I
thought you were looking forward to his visit.”

Mackenzie
couldn’t seem to speak. Just stared down and shook her head again.

Adjusting
herself until she was stretched out directly in front of the little girl, Erin
persisted gently, “Are you still a little mad at Daddy?”

Another shake
of the glowing, pigtailed head.

Erin let out a
breath, glad of this at least. A lasting grudge would have been a significant
worry. “You’re not mad, but is it maybe that your feelings were a little hurt?”

Mackenzie’s
eyes darted up, anxiously scanning Erin’s face. Then she nodded and looked
down, as if she were embarrassed by the admission.

Erin reached
out and stroked Mackenzie’s shoulder and arm. “Because he was gone for so
long?”

Nodding again,
Mackenzie mumbled, “And then he made you leave.”

Erin actually
gasped. “No, pumpkin. He didn’t make me leave. I promise.” When Mackenzie had
looked up again and met her eyes, she continued, “He didn’t want me to leave.
But I…I needed to be with my daddy for a little while. There’s nothing your
daddy wants more than to be with me, you, and Anna. That’s the truth,
Mackenzie.”

After scanning
her face intently, Mackenzie nodded once. Released a little of the tension from
the stiff set of her neck and shoulders.

“So can you go
say hi to him now?” Erin asked, unable to keep from looking over toward Seth.

He had stopped
approaching them when Anna reached him. Now he was kneeling on the grass with
one arm around Anna. But she could tell—even from this distance—that his eyes
were focused on them.

He was waiting.
Waiting for Mackenzie.

Erin’s throat
started to ache even more, knowing how Seth must be feeling, and she prayed she
hadn’t made everything worse by taking this week away from him.

Mackenzie
didn’t move.

“Pumpkin,” Erin
murmured, tilting up Mackenzie’s chin. “You know how Daddy hurt your feelings a
little and how hard that was for you?” Mackenzie’s eyes were so like Seth’s
that Erin almost choked on the words. “Well, I think you might be hurting
Daddy’s feelings a little, by not going to say hi to him.”

Mackenzie made
a little noise in her throat and jerked her head to look over at Seth, who was
still quietly waiting for her. Her face twisted painfully.

But she still
wouldn’t move.

Starting to
feel a little desperate—and horribly afraid that she was somehow to blame for
this—Erin gestured down at the dandelion mat. “Why don’t you show Daddy what
you did with the dandelions? I’m sure he’ll be very glad to see it.”

Mackenzie’s
body twitched, as if she’d been about to get up, but she couldn't seem to
complete the motion.

Studying her
daughter’s face closely, Erin suddenly realized something. Mackenzie wasn’t
being angry, or hurt, or stubborn, or willful.

The poor thing
was absolutely terrified.

Finally
understanding something important, Erin rose to her feet and brushed off her
skirt and top. “Did you want me to come with you?” she offered, stretching out
her hand. “We can go see Daddy together.”

Mackenzie
nodded urgently, took Erin's hand, and hesitantly climbed to her feet. She
pulled down one leg of her khaki shorts, which had gotten hiked up too far.
“Okay,” she whispered.

Erin wanted to
snatch her up and cradle her. Wanted to hold her, protect her, and never let
go. Their daughter was so much like Seth, and so there were so many ways for
the world to hurt her.