Nameless Series Boxed Set (58 page)

“Mackenzie,”
Erin said sharply, finally coming to her senses and hearing what her daughter
was reading. “That’s enough. We don’t need to read that nonsense.”

The girl
frowned, obviously surprised by her mother’s terseness. “I was just—”

“I know,
pumpkin. I didn’t mean to be crabby. But there’s no reason for us to read mean
things about Daddy when we know they’re not true.”

Anna nodded
resolutely. “No mean things ‘bout Daddy.”

Mackenzie put
down the tablet. She was stubborn and unusually precocious, but she was fairly
obedient for the most part.

“How did you
find that story, anyway?” Erin asked.

Frowning in
concern, Mackenzie explained, “It popped up in your email. I didn’t know it was
bad.”

Erin knew
exactly who’d sent her that story. Mary Carlyle, whose blog this was, held a
grudge for a really long time.

“It’s nothing
to worry about,” Erin concluded with a big smile, knowing she had to move past
this or Mackenzie in particular wouldn’t stop brooding about it. Her daughter
was extremely intuitive—she always knew when something was wrong. “Are you
getting hungry?”

On hearing
their affirmative response, Erin said, “Why don’t we make pancakes today?”

This
announcement, of course, produced loud enthusiasm from both of her daughters,
and it successfully distracted them from the story on the blog.

As she reached
the door of the bedroom on her way to the kitchen, Anna turned back toward her
mother. “Daddy comes home today?”

“Yes,” Erin
assured her again. “Daddy comes home today.”

Both girls
scampered barefoot down the hall, still in their colorful nightgowns, with
tangled hair of red and gold.

“Daddy damned
well better come home today,” Erin muttered to herself, deleting the email from
her inbox and trying to rid her mind of the image of Seth kissing another
woman, even in an innocuous way.

She’d assumed
Seth had been working constantly, but apparently he’d had enough time to go to
a party and kiss someone else.

Erin glanced in
the mirror. Her hair was just as messy as the girls’, and she’d put on a few
pounds in the last month, so her curves were a little bit too curvy in her
sloppy pajamas. She looked horrible. Couldn’t really be surprised that Seth
wasn’t rushing home to this.

Shaking her
head ruefully, she rid herself of the stupid thought. She knew Seth loved her.
Loved the girls. But she also knew that he made choices every day. He could
make more choices to prioritize his family over work—if he’d really wanted to.

In weak
moments, she couldn’t help but wonder if she just hadn’t made domestic life
exciting enough to compel him to spend much time at home.

For years,
Seth’s career had given him his security and sense of self. He’d changed in the
last six years, but people rarely changed completely. His work would always
have the tendency to pull him away from his family.

The lurking
awareness she’d been conscious of for too long rose up in a sudden burst of
resentment.

“Do you hear
me?” she muttered again, under her breath, staring at Seth’s side of the bed
before the girls demanded her presence in the kitchen to make them pancakes.
“You damned well better get your ass home today.”

***

Erin took the
girls to the zoo that afternoon, so they wouldn’t get hyper waiting for Seth to
return.

When they got
back to the apartment, she remembered to check her messages.

Seth had left
her one.

He sounded
stressed and exhausted—Erin knew how to recognize the signs. Whatever he was
working on must have been beating him down. His voice was hoarse from fatigue
and frustration, and it sounded like he had to pause during the message
occasionally to rub his face or clear his eyes.

But Erin didn’t
have much pity left when she got to the end of the message.

“Hi. It’s me.
It’s…actually, I have no idea what time it is. Anyway, I’m still here. Things
are a mess, and I can’t get away. We’ve been working all night and still have
several hours left. Sorry. I’ll leave as soon as I can and should be back
tomorrow afternoon. I won’t be able to call before bedtime, so say goodnight to
the girls for me and that I’ll see them tomorrow. I hope things are better
there than they are here. Talk to you soon. Bye.”

Erin was
shaking so much when his voice finally faded off that she had to steady herself
with her hands on the dresser.

The lurking
awareness was fully formed in her mind now. She knew what it meant. Knew she’d
have to deal with it. Soon.

She took a
shuddering breath.

Pulled herself
together.

Went to tell
her happy, excited daughters that their daddy wasn’t coming home today after all.

It was almost midnight the
following evening when Seth finally made it home.

Erin had been
in bed for more than an hour, but she hadn’t been able to get to sleep. She
heard the subtle sounds of Seth entering the apartment, putting down his stuff,
making his way down the hall to their bedroom.

Then she felt
him standing in the middle of their room for a minute, and she was sure he was
watching her as she lay motionless in bed, facing away from him.

Soon, she heard
the sounds of his taking off his jacket and shoes. Then a rustle of
fabric—probably removing his tie.

He walked over
to the bed and lowered himself beside her without speaking. Scooted over until
he was spooning her from behind, his arms going around her all the way.

Erin felt
strange. Half of her was flooded with relief and a kind of homecoming at the
feel of his strong, warm body against hers, at the feel of his familiar arms
around her.

But the rest of
her was so angry. So tired. So overwhelmed with the heavy weight of awareness
in her gut that just wouldn’t go away.

And with the
unshakeable certainty that something had changed.

Seth was
breathing behind her, and his long, heavy exhales were a sure sign that he was
relaxing, unwinding—after who knew how many days of stress and hard work. He
must know she was awake, since he wasn’t trying to be discreet or careful as he
held her against him.

She knew how
much he needed this—needed his home and his family, the only place he could let
go a little of the ruthless grip he held on the world. She felt a little pang
of tenderness as she felt his warm breath blowing against her hair and skin,
but when he lowered his face to kiss the side of her neck, she couldn’t help
but turn her head to ease her neck away from his mouth.

Seth grew
momentarily still behind her, as if assessing what had caused the atypical
reaction from her.

“You’re angry,”
he murmured at last, still holding her against him, but not making any further
advances.

“A little,” she
admitted, her voice cracking strangely, as if she hadn’t used it in a long
time. “But it’s more than that. It’s…” She had no way to put into words what it
was, so she concluded weakly, “You’ve been gone a really long time.”

Seth released a
long sigh and slowly rubbed her belly over the fabric of her cotton pajamas. “I
know. I was gone too long.”

His admission
of this undeniable fact didn’t seem to change anything about the situation or
about Erin’s inner turmoil. She replied stiffly, “Yes. It was too long.”

He sighed again
and brushed a kiss into her hair. Then he pulled back and said, “I’ll be right
back. I’m just going to look in on the girls.”

“Don’t wake
them up,” she said, her voice sharper than she’d intended. “It took me forever
to get them to sleep.”

They’d had
another difficult evening before bed. Both of the girls had been crying again
because their daddy hadn’t arrived as promised, before the end of what they
considered the day.

“I won’t wake
them,” he murmured, moving in bare feet to the door of their room. “I just want
to see them.”

Erin waited for
him to return, feeling oddly hard and numb. It felt like she was mourning
something, but she wasn’t close to tears. The brief rush of pleasure at her
husband’s return seemed totally drowned now beneath the flood of everything
else.

In some ways,
it had been better before he’d returned. Now…now she was going to have to do
something about what she’d finally acknowledged as wrong.

Seth returned
in a few minutes and finished getting undressed in the dark. When he got back
in bed, he remarked, “Anna’s in Mackenzie’s room.”

“Yeah. She’s
been sleeping there for weeks.” It seemed impossible that he hadn’t known that.

“Why?” He
rolled over behind her again, pressing himself into her back and adjusting her
so he could embrace her from behind.

“She’s been
having bad dreams.”

“She has? For
how long? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Erin shrugged.
She thought she had told him, but she could have forgotten. “You weren’t here.”

Seth didn’t
respond to that, but he wasn’t as relaxed as before. She could almost feel him
watching her, observing her, assessing her behavior and putting the clues
together into some kind of precise interpretation of the situation.

For some
reason, it annoyed her. That he would try to so coolly and rationally figure
out something that even she didn’t fully understand.

They lay in
silence for several minutes, Seth occasionally massaging her belly or shoulder.
After a while, however, Erin felt him begin to harden behind her, his arousal
starting to rub against her ass.

After one
instinctive jolt of answering desire in her own body, all of Erin’s tangled
emotions drowned the spark of arousal into nonexistence. She shifted
uncomfortably. “I’m sorry, Seth. I just don’t think I’m in the mood to…”

“That’s fine.
We don’t have to.”

He was still
semi-hard behind her, though, and Erin felt self-conscious for no reason she
could understand. This was her husband of four years, after all. Yet in some
way it felt like he’d transformed, at least in part, into someone she didn’t
really know.

Or maybe she
was the one who’d transformed.

Seth seemed to
sense her unease. “Is it all right if I hold you?” he asked diffidently.

She knew she
had hurt him. He’d come home after a long, hard trip expecting to be welcomed
completely—to be safe and cherished and loved by his family. And she had failed
him in that. Felt guilty because of it. But there was something inside her that
resisted. That kept preparing her for what she knew would follow.

“I know I was
gone for too long, Erin,” he began, his head resting behind hers on the pillow.
“There were a lot of—”

“Let’s talk
about it tomorrow,” she interrupted. She knew how hard the conversation was
going to be, and she just didn’t have the energy tonight.

“All right.” He
brushed another kiss into her hair. Nestled her more snugly against him.

Then she felt
his body almost immediately relaxing. His breathing shifted into slow inhales
and exhales.

He was asleep
in less than five minutes.

And even that
bothered Erin unreasonably. That he could fall asleep so easily when it felt
like her world wasn’t quite holding together.

She knew it was
probably the first time in weeks he’d had a good night’s sleep. She knew that
he only really relaxed when he was home, and so he never slept well anywhere
else. And she knew he’d been working for several days and nights straight.

Of course, he
needed to sleep.

She didn’t
sleep though. Not at all, not all night.

She lay awake
in the dark, trying to sort out what had changed and how they could possibly
change it back.

***

Erin knew that Seth’s reunion
with his daughters wasn’t exactly what he’d been expecting either.

He was showered
and dressed before they got up the following morning—he needed to go into the
office to catch up on everything that had piled up in his absence—and Erin went
into the girls’ bedroom to make sure they woke up before he’d left for the
morning.

So they were
groggy and a little confused when Seth came into the room, looking coolly
professional in his dark suit and blue tie. Mackenzie went over to give him a
hug as requested, but she was quiet and wary, instead of brimming with the
intense joy with which she usually greeted him.

Anna wouldn’t
go over to him at first. She had always been a little shy, her vibrant emotions
only emerging once she was comfortable. She actually hid behind Erin’s legs for
a minute, peeking out at Seth until his smile and low voice convinced her that
everything was okay.

She ran over to
hug him, and she even giggled a little and pronounced herself glad that Daddy
was home.

Erin was
relieved that the first greeting was over. Her heart ached in her chest—for her
girls, who had to deal with their father’s long absence. And for Seth, whose
face hadn’t changed at all from its mild composure, but whom Erin knew was
sharply hurt by his daughters’ hesitance.

They were going
to have a family night this evening, and Erin hoped that spending time with
their father would do much to mend over the rifts that had emerged. Children
were resilient, and Seth had always been a loving father. The tension, she was
sure, would be temporary.

After the girls
went to bed tonight, she and Seth were going to have a long talk about things.
Erin wasn’t going to continue this way, and it was long past time she’d hashed
it out with him.

The day wasn’t
as bad as she'd feared. Both girls were a little testy and so they bickered
more than usual, but Erin had the evening to look forward to, during which they
could start to work everything out.

Seth came home
a little later than they’d planned, but still in plenty of time for their
scheduled time together. They had pizza in the family room and then set up to
play the girls’ favorite board game.

Things were
going quite well, and Erin was starting to relax for the first time when Seth’s
phone rang.

Something
clenched in her chest as he answered it, and Mackenzie stiffened visibly as she
watched Seth walk out of the room, talking in low, urgent murmurs on his phone.

Erin and the
girls sat in tense silence until he returned.

His face was
torn, exhausted, and reluctant. “I’m sorry,” he said hoarsely. “I have to go
in. It’s an emergency.”

Erin couldn’t
seem to feel anything. She was frozen. Numb. Felt…nothing.

Anna blinked up
at Seth. “Daddy’s going away again?”

“I’m sorry,
honey. I’ll just be gone an hour. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“But tonight
was supposed to be with us,” Mackenzie said accusingly, something so tight on
her face it was almost unspeakable. Something far too sharp and knowing for a
girl of only six.

“I know,” he
said, kneeling down and stroking Anna’s soft blond hair. “It’s not fair. But I
don’t have a choice.”

Erin was
holding her breath as she watched Mackenzie’s face. The delicate features had
started working and twitching, as the girl tried to control her emotions.

She couldn’t.
She choked on tears of hurt and disappointment. Then stumbled to her feet and
ran out of the room, evading Seth’s arm as he reached out to comfort her.

“Mac?” Anna
mumbled, wobbling to her feet as well, her huge eyes wide and swimming with
tears. “Mac’s crying?”

Then Anna
started crying too and ran after her older sister.

The frozen
numbness in Erin’s chest was beginning to crack. She jerked to her feet and
stared at Seth with something too intense to articulate.

“I have to
leave,” he said, his eyes almost desperate and his voice breaking slightly.
“Erin, it’s not just work. It’s a serious criminal case. Someone’s whole future
is on the line.” He rubbed an urgent hand over his face. “I’ll go and try to
explain it to them.”

He was turning
to follow his daughters when Erin cut him off.

“Don’t bother.
If you’re going to go, then just leave.”

She hurried
after her daughters, both of whom were crying in Mackenzie’s bedroom.

Even as she
followed them, Erin kept hoping that Seth would change his mind. That he
wouldn’t be able to bear having caused his daughters to cry like this and would
decide to stay here with them instead.

After a minute,
however, Erin heard the door of the apartment open and close.

Seth had gone
back to work after all.

***

When Seth returned two hours
later, Erin was packing a suitcase.

She’d put the
girls to bed shortly after Seth left, and they’d eventually fallen asleep in
exhaustion. By then, Erin had known what she needed to do, so she didn’t waste
any time, didn’t give herself a chance to talk herself out of it.

She was neatly
folding shirts and stacking them in the suitcase when Seth came into the
room—his eyes utterly drained and haunted, as if the evening had been too much
for him.

He immediately
snapped into urgency when he saw what Erin was doing. “What’s going on?” he
demanded, striding over to stare down at her half-packed bag.

“I’m packing,”
she said simply, turning away from him to go back into the closet and get some
more clothes.

“Erin?” He
followed her, grabbing her arm and swinging her around to face him. “Why are
you packing?”

“I’m leaving,”
she explained, the words sticking in her throat. When she saw the brief flash
of shattering anguish on his face, she qualified quickly, “For a couple of
weeks. I need to get away and think things through.”

His face was
composed again, but there was a barely suppressed panic visible beneath his
composure. “What do you mean by get away?”

“I mean,” she
replied, taking a deep breath and trying to keep her voice calm, “things aren’t
working. I need to figure everything out. I can’t do that here.”

“What?” Seth’s
fingers were clenching spasmodically around her upper arm, so tightly that it
actually hurt. “What?”

The broken look
on his face was about to undo her resolve, so Erin shook off his hand and kept
moving to the closet.

Seth had gotten
himself under control by the time she returned to the bedroom. His face was
cold now and hard—with what she knew was an automatic defense against anything
that threatened to hurt him.

Before they’d
gotten together, he’d looked that way most of the time.

“Are you
actually telling me that you’re thinking about leaving because I had to
unexpectedly go into work this evening?” His voice was cool and cutting.