Necessary Heartbreak (2 page)

“Good-bye.” Michael sighed. He clicked the phone off and looked down.
I really need to clean this carpet
, he thought randomly.

“Everything okay?” Elizabeth asked, noticing the shiny gold ring on his finger.

Michael gazed at his growing daughter, undeterred.

“No. Change the shirt.”

“Why, Dad?”

“Change the shirt. Change it or we won't go.”

In this rare case, Michael knew he held the upper hand. She needed him to take her to this event to receive the proper credit for school. Every student in the honor society needed a certain number of community-service points, and she was still short.

“Oh, fine. Whatever.” Elizabeth rolled her eyes dramatically but then scampered up the stairs back to her bedroom.

Michael was aware that Elizabeth was gradually becoming less attached to him, which meant that the most positive aspect of his life was slowly eroding. He tried hard not to think about it. But on this Saturday morning, he didn't mind the power-broker role for, if nothing else, it kept her with him.

Elizabeth walked down the stairs in an oversize, faded-white Springsteen concert T-shirt. Michael was slumped in the recliner, still clenching the phone and staring off into space. She smiled, trying to cheer him up. “Hey, Dad, does this shirt go down far enough?” The shirt fell past her shorts, well below her knees.

He looked up. “I see you were in my closet. Did you ask?”

“No. I wanted to pick out something you would approve of.”

“So you took one of my favorite T-shirts?”

“Bruce wouldn't mind, right?” asked Elizabeth as she flashed an angelic smile.

Michael smiled weakly. “Bruce isn't your father, I am. But this time I approve. C'mon, let's scoot.” He slapped his knees before standing up.

Opening the front door for her, he was happy to see that the rain had finally stopped. “Who's my baby?”

Elizabeth didn't answer, knowing from experience that it would only encourage him to ask it again.

Michael smiled as they climbed into the car, deciding it was probably best not to tease her more. He had finally upgraded to a Camry a few years back because it gave Elizabeth more room in the backseat to keep her video games, DVDs and CDs. However, Elizabeth had now taken a liking to sitting in the front. He still couldn't get used to it. He watched as she put in the white earbuds and began playing with the iPhone. Michael once again felt a mingled sense of pride and worry as her fingers rapidly began moving.

“Who are you texting?”

“My friends.”

“Boy? Girl?”

She looked at him. “Both.”

“What's the boy's name?”

“Matt.”

“How old is he?”

“I'm not sure.”

“You're not sure?!”

“Okay, okay, he's a couple of years older than me. So?”

Michael grimaced and took a deep breath. “Is that perfume?”

“Yes.”

“Where did you get it?”

“Mommy's drawer. You said I could have anything in there.”

He glanced over at his daughter and noticed how much she had grown up over the past year. Her hair was neatly brushed, the once
girlish curls now straight and pulled into a tightly wound ponytail wrapped in a simple green elastic band. The smell of sparkly nail polish filled the car.

“You're not meeting him here, are you?” asked Michael.

“He might be here later. Do you want to meet him?”

“Um . . . no . . . ah, yeah, yes . . . I don't know.”

Elizabeth laughed. “Well, which is it?”

“Let's just get through this day first, okay? I can only manage one crisis at a time.”

Boys
, he thought as he turned onto Ocean Avenue, watching a few teenagers pushing and shoving each other playfully on the adjacent street corner. Michael remembered he used to be one of them, though he had been quiet and shy when he was fourteen, not outgoing like Elizabeth. Plus, when he was young, there was none of this texting immediacy in getting a girl to like you: you spent days, months even, trying to figure out how to bump into her in the hall, or to find the right friend of hers who would deliver a note for you. At that age, it was all about trying to be alone long enough to just kiss a girl. Well, one special girl.

He shook his head, thinking of her again.
I wonder if Valentina is married
, he thought, remembering his first true love back in elementary school. He drifted off briefly, only to be distracted by Elizabeth's feverish texting. Her phone chirped and she giggled as she read the new message.

Michael nudged her shoulder with his hand. “Who's that?”

There was no response. Unfazed, Elizabeth kept swaying to the beat of My Chemical Romance. It was so loud Michael could hear every lyric that leaked out through the tiny earphones. The scary thing was that he couldn't be sure exactly what they all meant.

He could see in the far distance the boats docked side by side in the harbor. The wind had stopped its howling and a shaft of sunlight struck the cross atop the old church, casting a long shadow across Main Street. Children were pulling their parents into the local toy store, where another birthday party was about to begin. Old men and
women were rummaging through the contents on an outdoor table, searching for the best bargains at Perry's Five and Dime. Just another ordinary Saturday morning in Northport.

“Elizabeth? Elizabeth Ellen!” Michael gently lifted his daughter's chin upward while she kept up with her digital connections.

“What, Dad?” Elizabeth asked, pulling out one of the earbuds.

“We're here.” He scowled to himself in the rearview mirror, for this was the last place he wanted to be.

Michael parked the car near the corner of Main and Church Street. From there he could see scores of young kids and adults pulling food off trucks parked awkwardly on the sidewalk in front of Our Lady by the Bay Church. They were all there to help organize the food-drive donations.

The next thing he knew, the passenger-side door swung open and Elizabeth threw her phone back onto her seat before jumping to the curb. “Elizabeth!” Michael said as he climbed out quickly. “Wait . . .”

Elizabeth was already across the street heading toward her best friend, Laura. He sighed as he locked the car. “Always following, always following . . .”

“Hi, Laura!” Elizabeth squealed.

“Hey, Liz! Ah, hi, Mr. Stewart.”

“Hi, Laura. Hey,
Liz
, remember you're here to help out and get your community-service credit for school.”

“Only my friends can call me that.” Elizabeth rolled her eyes.

Wow
, Michael thought,
that's two eyerolls for today; the day's getting off to a great start!

He watched her turn to Laura and whisper, “Fun killer.” Elizabeth had been using the phrase more often lately. Despite some residual hurt feelings, Michael had become resigned to it.

“Hey, Mike!” shouted a woman in a pretty blue dress from across the street, startling him. “I tried calling you last night. Were you out?”

He smiled as he walked over to give the woman a quick kiss on the cheek. “Susan, you know me better than that.”

Michael couldn't help but notice how her light reddish brown hair touched her bare shoulders. “You look great today, Sue.”

She looked quizzically at him, casting a quick glance at the ring on his finger. “My, Mike, did you have a hard time getting out of the chair again?”

He nodded. “I've had a rough week, Sue. There are so many things changing in my life. I'm not adjusting at all.”

“Well, call me then. Or come by and we'll talk.” She rubbed his right arm gently. “I know what you've been through.”

“Believe me, I know you know. I appreciate your kindness.” Michael meant it, too. Of all his neighbors, Susan Horn was the only one he considered a true friend. Ever since her husband walked out on her almost ten years ago, Michael and Susan had spent many hours talking about everything from child raising to life without a spouse.

Susan smiled. “I guess we've got some work to do today, right?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Isn't that why we had kids?”

She laughed and tapped his forearm a couple of times. “Good one.”

Susan walked back to the front of the church. Kids and parents were already going back and forth up the steps that led to the three big open doors of the church. To the far right stood Father Dennis, watching his flock work like little bees, and chatting with volunteers.

Oh, no
, Michael thought,
I'm going to be spotted
.

As if on command, Father Dennis immediately saw Michael in the crowd and waved to him. Michael cringed. He hadn't been to mass in over a decade. It seemed as if every time Father Dennis saw Michael, he would ask, “Where have you been?”

As Father Dennis approached, Michael quickly grabbed a carton of food and ran up the stairs two at a time. “Hi, Father!” he said as he passed the priest.

Father Dennis smiled. “Good to see you working so hard for the church, Michael.”

“Glad to help out.”

Michael moved past the holy water sitting on the table near the entrance of the church, quickly dipping his fingers inside the bowl. He touched his forehead with it. Inside the building, it was cool and dark, with only four lights illuminating the lip of the altar. Michael could see the gleaming figures of Jesus in the center of the altar, Mary on the left, and Joseph on the right.

Michael knew his way around a church. As an altar boy, he'd helped serve mass four or five times a week. Sometimes Michael would do a mass, funeral, and wedding all in the same day. He liked weddings the best. Everyone was happy, and he would get a big tip from the best man. Michael knew the words from the mass by heart. When he graduated from Holy Child and his life as an altar boy ended, part of him was extinguished, too.

Today the church created in him mostly feelings of fear and pain. He and Vicki always used to go to church together. She felt that she had to pray for those who needed help because someday they might need some.

Ha
, Michael thought,
what help did I get?

To him, church was filled with a bunch of phonies who sat inside an air-conditioned building on a wooden pew without ever really hearing a word of the mass itself. Then the same parishioners went out on the street gossiping about each other and their neighbors. He didn't need or want any part of it.

And yet, he couldn't escape it: Father Dennis was walking right behind him.

“Michael, isn't this a beautiful church?”

Michael looked around the church. He saw the five arched windows along each of the two long sides of the building, under one of which were engraved the words
my friend, your sins are forgiven
. The stations of the cross depicted in wooden carvings were affixed to the right of each window, while big white candles with green ribbing sat below. He took in the organ situated high above the pews, the altar made of white marble, and the podium from where the lector read.

It's beautiful, sure
, Michael thought,
but where's he going with this?

“Michael, your church awaits you,” Father Dennis said with a pat on the back.

“Thanks, Father.”

“Michael, we could really use your help.”

“In what way, Father?”

“What about joining the choir?”

“Are you kidding? With my voice?”

“Michael, God doesn't care what you sound like. He only cares what's in your heart.”

“No offense, Father. But I think I would turn even God off with my voice.”

Father Dennis laughed and patted him on the shoulder. “What about being a lector?”

“I'm not sure . . .”

Father Dennis smiled. “Well, if you think you'd like to help out, let me know.”

Michael looked up one more time at those carvings of Jesus' last moments on earth. “Well, I should go help the kids some more,” he said, walking away.

He didn't want anyone calling him
lazy
. That word tore at his spine. Michael winced, remembering the dark days of living in Queens, defending his sanity against the daily verbal battering.

“You're not even trying to find a full-time job, you lazy jerk!”

Michael sat there quietly in the living room recliner. Silence was his most effective weapon in the Richmond Hill house. His older sister would not get the satisfaction of knowing she got to him. Of course, she couldn't see his knees rising slightly as his toes curled into the carpet.

“Look at me! When are you going to get a job?” she demanded.

I
am
working
, Michael thought. He had a part-time job writing for a weekly football publication in Port Washington. Since he had no car
and it was such a long trip by bus and train, on the weekends he slept overnight on the floor beneath his office desk.
That's
not working?