Need (5 page)

He was right. Lily arrived five minutes early and was giddy with excitement. She was completely different from the last time I’d seen her at Dr. Cooper’s house - quiet, subdued. Before I knew it, we were out in front of the building and Lily was flagging down a cab.

Once we were in the vehicle, Lily could not stop talking about the hotel where we were going to have lunch. The Four Seasons.

When we pulled up in front, I felt my nerves start to get the best of me. Lily reached over and squeezed my hand. “I’ll keep you safe,” she whispered before getting out of the cab. Swallowing, I made my limbs move. I could do this.

Lily walked up to the front desk and introduced herself to the man standing there. He seemed small behind the massive wooden structure, but then he stood to his full height, and I cautiously took a step back.

He said something to Lily and then disappeared. I moved in the opposite direction, and pressed my back against the wall. The lobby was huge as I took in my surroundings. Everything was sleek and elegant. Not a single thing was out of place. Even the walls looked like fancy furniture.

My head whipped back around when I noticed an older man in a suit walking toward us. I tried to act invisible as the man came to greet Lily.

“Hello, Ms. Adams. It’s so nice to see you again.” Then the man seemed to notice me. “And who do we have here?”

Lily took a step toward me and reached out her hand, encouraging me to come closer. I hesitated for a moment before I took that first step. I felt safe with Lily, but not the same as I did with Stephan.

“This is Brianna, Al. She’s going to be joining us today.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Brianna.” Thankfully, he turned his attention back to Lily after that.

Al guided us to a large elevator along the far wall of the lobby. The inside of the elevator matched the lobby with its warm neutral colors, but the walls were smooth.

The doors opened again, and we were looking into a huge room. The walls were a rich, tan color, and the carpet beneath our feet was like nothing I’d seen before. It was brown, green, and gold with lots of swirls. Chandeliers hung from the ceiling, making it feel even more overwhelming. I stayed close to Lily and tried to be as unnoticeable as possible. Al looked at me a few times, but other than that, he’d left me alone.

After Lily inspected every inch of the room, and asked many questions, I lost track of all her questions and his answers. We rode the elevator back downstairs to the restaurant. It was simple and elegant, just like the rest of the hotel. I’d never been in a place like it before. It was nicer than the restaurant where he’d taken me. The servers looked as if they’d come clean and pressed off an assembly line.

A woman dressed in a black skirt and cream blouse that matched the servers walking around took us to a table in the corner and handed us menus. I took it quickly before lying it down in front of me. Once she walked away, Lily asked, “What do you like? They have excellent fish here.”

“Fish is good,” I whispered.

Lily set her menu down and took hold of my hand. “You can order whatever you want. I was just making a suggestion.”

“Okay,” I nodded. She released my hand and picked her menu back up. I did the same.

Many things sounded very fancy on the menu. Then I saw they had duck and remembered how much I’d liked the bite he’d let me try. The server returned, and I gave her my order without much difficulty.

“Duck?” Lily asked when we were alone again.

I looked down. “Was that not all right?”

She laughed. “No. It was perfectly fine. I just didn’t expect you to be the type of person who ate duck. I personally find it too greasy,” she added.

I shifted in my chair before taking a deep calming breath. “I tasted . . .” I paused. This was harder than I thought. “Ste . . . phan had duck,” I said lowering my head. I just couldn’t look at her. “At a . . . restaurant. I . . . liked it.”

Lily nearly jumped out of her seat, startling me. “You called him Stephan!”

People were staring. I knew they had to be. My shoulders slumped, and I slid down in my chair hoping no one would see me.

Finally, Lily seemed to notice me again and stopped moving. Her eyes were huge when I looked up. “I’m sorry, Brianna. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“It’s okay,” I whispered.

“No,” she said. “It’s not. And I am sorry. I will try to control myself.”

I slowly sat back up in my chair, making sure my hair was shielding most of my face. Lily just watched me as if she was trying to judge my mood. “I’m all right,” I tried to assure her.

Her mouth turned down into a frown. She didn’t look convinced. I knew I needed to distract her, so I began trying to think of something to ask. That was why I was here, right?

Lily moved just a little to the left and the sunlight reflected off her necklace. It was silver, like mine, but much thicker. Not something a woman would normally wear.

My hand rose to the collar Stephan had given me. The metal felt good under my fingertips. It was strange, now that I thought about it. I wasn’t a slave anymore. I wasn’t owned by anyone. Why did knowing that I still had this piece of him around my neck make me feel better?

I closed my eyes and gathered my thoughts. It was now or never. “Lily?” I started.

Before I was able to get my question out, the server came with our salads. After she checked to make sure we had everything we needed, we were once again left alone. Too much time had passed, and I wondered if I should even bring it up.

“What is it?” Lily asked.

It was only then that I noticed I was just moving the lettuce around my plate. I hadn’t even taken a bite.

Once again, I closed my eyes and gave myself a pep talk. “Is your necklace . . . I mean, is it . . . ?”

“You mean is it a collar?”

I nodded.

“Yes,” she answered as if she were talking about the weather. She didn’t miss a beat of eating her salad. “It’s one of them. I have several, but this is the one I usually wear to work.”

One of them? “Why?” I swallowed nervously. “Why do you have more than one?”

“Well, I have ones I wear every day, and then ones that are only for the playroom.”

“Play . . . room?” No matter how much I wished it weren’t so, I could hear my voice shake.

“Yes, the playroom.” She cocked her head to the side. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t like playrooms,” I whispered.

“Why not?” she asked. This time, I could hear the concern in her voice.

I bit my lip and closed my eyes. My heart was hammering in my chest. I was trying not to remember. “Pain,” I choked out the word.

“Oh, Brianna,” she cried. “I’m so sorry.”

Her hand reached out to take mine across the table again. I didn’t pull away. “I don’t . . . I mean, I can’t . . .” Lily seemed to be at a loss for words. That was rare. “Playrooms can be fun. I promise you. It isn’t all about pain.”

“But there is some pain?” I asked, my voice cracking.

“Yes,” she said. “Every Dom is different, but I know you’re most concerned with how Stephan is.”

I nodded again and tried to keep my mind in the present. The last thing I needed was to fall into a memory. This was information I needed to know.

“Stephan is always fair with his punishments. I’ve never known him to be overly harsh, but they are still punishments.”

Lily grabbed my hand again. I realized it was shaking. “Are you all right, Brianna?”

I heard her, but I didn’t know how to answer her. Was I all right?

Her grip on my hand tightened. “Brianna?”

I registered movement around us, but not what it was. There was Lily’s hand, keeping me from slipping from reality.

“Brianna? Say something. Please?”

“I’m . . .” I was trying hard. “I don’t . . . I don’t know . . . if I can . . . do it . . . Lily.”

The next thing I knew, Lily had her arms wrapped around me in a hug. I leaned into her. “What is it that you don’t think you can do?” she asked.

“Be his submissive. I don’t think I . . . can,” I said almost choking. The thought of leaving him was painful, but I would have to if I couldn’t give him what he wanted. I’d have no choice.

Lily just held me. It was nice, but it wasn’t the same. I wanted it to be his arms instead of hers.

As soon as that thought crossed my mind, I began sobbing again. She tried to soothe me and eventually, I did calm down.

I looked down and noticed our untouched meals. Lily didn’t seem bothered by this at all, as she began talking again. “I know you’re scared, Brianna, but you shouldn’t be.”

We were now both sitting up in our seats again, and she encouraged me to start eating. I took a few bites of the duck. It was good, so I ate more.

“Do you like sitting in Stephan’s lap?” 

I nodded, but she seemed frustrated. 

“How do you feel about kneeling? I know you do that when he comes home.”

I stopped eating and thought about it. How did I feel? It was something I’d done out of habit. Something I’d not really thought about before.

When I didn’t answer, she continued. “Do you like it? Does it make you feel anything?”

“It . . .” I stopped and thought about it for a minute. “I like when he touches my hair,” I whispered, thinking back to how his hand would feel running through my hair. How he’d say ‘Good evening, Brianna’ in that voice of his that made me feel safe and secure.

Lily smiled. “So you don’t hate it. How do you feel about serving him? Doing things for him?”

Again, I thought about it. When he was happy, I was happy. It was very hard to explain, but I tried.

“What is it about being a submissive that scares you so much? Aside from the pain, of course,” she asked.

Here it goes. “I’m not sure if I can be what he wants. I mean, I’d have to do everything he says, right?”

Lily took a few bites of her fish before answering. “That’s partially true. I mean you do have to do what he tells you when you’re playing, but you always have your safewords if you feel you need them.”

“What do you mean when we’re playing?”

When I asked that question, her eyes lit up. “Well, not every couple plays all the time. Logan and I are pretty much like a normal couple during the week. It’s only on weekends that he is my Master,” she said.

“Is that what Stephan will want?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. That’s something you’ll have to discuss with him. He’s only had two collared submissives though, and with those, they only played on weekends, too. During the week, they would go out. Date. One would never know what they did on the weekends.” Lily smirked.

“You said you and . . . Logan, were pretty much like a normal couple during the week. What . . . ?”

“What did I mean by that?” she asked the question for me. “There are certain things that I am responsible for and if I fail to do them, I will suffer punishment no matter what day it is.”

I shivered. She noticed.

“Don’t get me wrong, Brianna. Punishments aren’t pleasant. They aren’t meant to be, but they are bearable. And it’s not like you don’t know it’s coming. You broke a rule, after all.”

“So he wouldn’t just . . . hurt me?” I asked.

She finished her food before answering me. “I’m not saying that there aren’t Dominants out there that would, but we’re talking about Stephan. He doesn’t like handing out punishments, but he will if his rules aren’t followed. Stephan likes submission and being in control of things. He likes knowing that someone’s pleasure comes only from him.” She paused for a moment and then got that smirk on her face again. “Of course, that’s pretty much consistent no matter the Dominant.”

I was trying to take this all in. It was a complete contradiction to what I had in my mind. I kept picturing him standing over me. One minute his face would be that of the Stephan I’d come to know over the past month and a half, the next it would be just as cold and hard as Ian’s had been. What was the truth?

The server came to remove our plates and she asked if we wanted dessert. We both declined, and Lily handed her a credit card. When the woman walked away, Lily went back to watching me once more.

“I know you’re scared, and you have every right to be. I can’t tell you what decision to make, but I will tell you that Stephan is a good man, and that he cares about you.”

I didn’t respond, and the server came back with the receipt. Lily signed the slip and then got up to leave. I followed her out.

The ride back to Stephan’s condo was quiet. She seemed to know that I needed time to think. Every time I thought about being his submissive, I felt myself break out into a sweat. When I would think about leaving him, my chest would tighten and it was almost painful to breathe.

Once we were at Stephan’s building, Lily took a detour to the garage and her car. She pulled out a garment bag and threw it over her arm before hooking her elbow with mine and dragging me back into the elevator.

The ride up was quick. It was the middle of the day and most other tenants were at work. Lily couldn’t seem to stand still. I could tell she was excited about something.

I let us into the condo just seconds before Lily grabbed my hand and dragged me into my room. It was useless to resist, and I figured at least this way, I’d be able to find out what all her excitement was regarding.

She didn’t make me wait long. Lily hung the garment bag on a hook by my bathroom door and opened it up to reveal a long purple dress. “Do you like it?” she asked.

“What?” I stuttered, not sure what she was talking about, or why she was showing me the most unbelievable dress.

“For the dinner, silly.” When I still looked confused, she added, “Saturday. Stephan said you needed a dress.”

Oh. Yes. The dinner. Saturday. The dinner I’d told Stephan I’d accompany him to as his date.

I felt the blood rushing out of my face and dizziness began to take over. Hands guided me to the bed and pushed my head between my knees.

My world was spinning less, but the panic was still just below the surface. I knew what I’d agreed to, but seeing the dress made it all too real. How was I going to do this?

I felt something being pressed against my ear and then I heard his voice.