Never Ending (9 page)

Chapter
15

         
I
had never known true devastation before. I
knew it now; I couldn't stop crying. I cried for what seemed like days, lying
on the floor, unable even to get up and get into bed. The first few hours were
the worst – grief giving way to shock and numbness, a numbness in which I
almost felt functional, before I was surprised by the agony once again. I tried
Danny a few more times, but he didn't pick up. Not that it should have
surprised me, I thought. He was probably with Roni now – this very second –
making love to her in some sordid London hotel room. What a fool I had been to
dream of thinking otherwise?

          I was a wreck. I
couldn't make it to rehearsal. I couldn't even make it out of bed. I couldn't
bring myself to answer the calls that were coming in fast from Luc, hour upon
hour, trying to figure out where the hell I was. How could I bring myself to
tell them? How could I bring myself to
not
tell them? What was going to
happen to the band now? I couldn't let my personal life get in the way of the
band, break us up even further – that's what I'd always said. But how could I
look Danny in the eye again, knowing what I knew? And I couldn't tell the guys,
either. They'd try to defend me, and end up hurting Danny in the process, and
as much as I wouldn't have minded if Luc and Kyle beat the life out of Danny, I
knew the band would never recover from it. This heartbreak I had to keep to
myself.

          I wore the same
pajamas for four days. I ate pint after pint of ice cream. I ordered pizzas and
left the boxes stacked high atop the bed. I couldn't even bring myself to shower.

          I knew I was
missing rehearsal, but I couldn't bring myself to care.

          I heard a knock
at the door on what must have been the fifth day of my mourning, but I couldn't
be sure. Time had ceased to matter to me.

          “Finally,
pizza...” I muttered, fishing into my desk drawer for a few singles with which
to tip. I opened the door.

          “Neve?” Luc stood
in my doorway.

          I'd never been
more relieved to see somebody. His eyes were puppy-dog brown and wide, so wide,
with worry. He held a casserole dish in his hands.

          “My mom made
this,” he said. “We were worried you were really sick or something...nobody's
heard from you...have you been getting our calls?” He sniffed the air. “What
died in here?”

          “Pizza...” I
croaked.

          “Pizza? What are
you...”

          He poked his head
into the apartment. “What
happened,
Neve?”

          I swallowed,
trying to will myself not to cry. “Danny and I, we...we...”

          “You what, Neve?”

          “We're done.” The
tears began to flow freely.

          A strange look
spread across his face. A look of pity, of sadness, and yet mixed in it was a
strange joy. What a fool I was, I thought bitterly – to have loved someone as
mad, as bad, as dangerous to know as Danny, to have given myself so utterly to
someone who could never deserve or truly return my love...

          “Neve...I'm so
sorry...” He took me in his arms, holding me close, rubbing my back, pressing
against me. He kissed my forehead, stroked my hair. “Neve – I'm worried...”

          I couldn't stop
crying. The sobs came out of me, unbidden, racking my whole body. I couldn't
breathe; I choked on my own tears. I shuddered; I sobbed; I couldn't speak.

          “Neve, this place
– it smells like death. There's rotting food everywhere. You haven't showed in
days. You need to take care of yourself, Neve!”

          I didn't want to
take care of myself. I didn't want to think. All I wanted was oblivion.

          He went into my
bathroom and turned on the tap. “You take a bath, okay? I'll be out here. When
you need me.”

          I was numb. I
wasn't thinking straight. All I wanted to do was let the water take me over,
let myself drown in it, let myself submerge myself completely, get rid of the
pain by any means necessary. I had been a fool – such a fool – and now I could
not bear my own anger, my own rage, the pain that was tearing me inside out.

          “What did he do
to you, Neve?” Luc had tears in his eyes. “You need to tell me, Neve. You need
to let me in.”

          I shook my head.
How could I explain what had happened – how could I explain what a fool I had
been? This was a secret I'd have to carry alone. This was a pain I would have
to bear alone.

          I got up and
walked to the bathroom. I stripped off my clothes – methodically, at first –
hardly caring that I'd left the door open, that Luc was standing in the living
room. I wanted to claw off my clothes, claw off my very skin, claw off everything
that made me human and mortal and susceptible to this kind of pain. I began to
tear at my clothing, ripping my sweatshirt apart, ripping my skin, drawing
blood, until I was completely naked, exposed, and yet I did not care...

          “Neve! Neve, what
are you doing? Stop!” Luc rushed towards me, a look of pure agony in his eyes.
“Neve...you're hurting yourself.”

          And then I was
naked, naked and in his arms, and he was holding me back, back from myself; he
was cleaning up the blood with a towel; he was picking me up and putting me in
the bath. The hot water scalded my skin and I cried out, and he kept on
scrubbing, trying to to clean away the wounds that no water could wash away...

          “Neve, please,
stop. Let me in – let me help you – I don't know how to help you.” His tears
mingled with my own. He was shaking, too, shaking so hard I couldn't believe
it, as if he too were suffering with me.

          And then he
kissed me. It was a desperate kiss, the kiss of a drowning man, trying to
breathe – or else to give breath.

          And then he
sprang back, a look of horror on his face.

          “I'm so sorry,
Neve,” he whispered. “I'm so sorry...”

          But by now I was
past caring. All I wanted to do was to feel, to forget, to make myself forget,
to distract myself from the pain, to hurt Danny, to hurt myself, to be loved, a
thousand desires mixing and mingling in a single desperate act.

          I pulled him into
the bathtub with me, fully-clothed, and I began kissing him.

          He kissed me back
– his hands underneath the water, touching me, touching every part of me, my
neck, my skin, my breasts until he was moaning and I was moaning too as I
kissed him back, trying to force myself to feel, pressing my breasts against
his hands, arching my back and pulling his head towards me as he took me into
his mouth.

          It was the only thing
that could make me forget. I wanted to blot out Danny, to scrub him off my
skin, to make it as if he’d never existed.

          I tore off his
wet T-shirt and began to unbutton his jeans, peeling them from his legs,
tearing everything off him until he was naked, until his desire was clear.

          I led him to the
bed like one possessed, my hair dripping all over the floor, caring only about
the moment of consummation, caring only about my desires.

          We kept on
kissing, and I let him explore my body with his hands, his mouth, his tongue,
letting him overwhelm me with the force of his desires. I felt my muscles
shudder and contract with pleasure, a pleasure that meant only darkness that
asked only for forgetting.

          “Make me forget,”
I whispered. “Please, make me forget.”

          His hands were
deft and quick, and when I surrendered to him I found myself crying aloud,
sobbing, as his fingers found the source of my desire.

          But I wanted
more. I wanted him to take me – completely, quickly, and irreversibly. I begged
him to, aloud, crying his name.

          “Neve...” his
voice was shaking. “I can't – like this...”

          “Why not?”

          “I don't want to
be a rebound, Neve. If I'm with you, I want it to be...all about us.”

          “Please...

          “Believe me,
Neve, I want to be with you more than anything in the world. But not now. When
you're ready. When you're okay. I want us both to be in the moment. For now, I
just want to hold you against me. For now, I just want to make sure you're
okay.”

          “I'm okay,” I
whispered, but I knew it was a lie. I wasn't okay. Something within me had
shattered. But right now, I just wanted to be with someone who would hold me,
who would comfort me, who would make everything okay. I just wanted to blot out
the pain. I just wanted to be with someone who would make me forget.

          “Hold me,” I
whispered.

Chapter
16

         
L
uc and I began a new, strange routine. In
public we'd be polite to each other, friendly, hardly behaving any differently
from how we used to do. But in private, our passion took over. In private, I
allowed myself to become intimate with him, to use his body – his hands, his
mouth, and his tongue – as a weapon against my own pain, as a means of
destroying Danny's influence on me.

          We never went all
the way, though. Sometimes we'd come close; sometimes we would be lying together,
naked in one another's arms, sweat against sweat, skin against skin, but we
would never surrender to that one ultimate pleasure, that one unfulfilled
desire that blotted out all our smaller pleasures. We always came so close, his
loins against mine, his hardness so warm against my thighs, but we never went
further. Luc was waiting for me to be the one to speak first, to invite him to
take me fully, but I could never bring myself to speak those words. I could
never bring myself to become vulnerable in that way. I was functional – my
affair with Luc allowed me the strength to get the band back together, made it
possible to lead the band without bursting into tears – but deep down I knew
that, despite this distraction, a part of me was broken: a part of me that it
would take time to heal.

          I hadn't even
started to think about what I'd do about Danny when he came back – if he ever
came back. He hadn't written me; he hadn't called; he hadn't even tried.

          And then one day
Rick Slayton walked into our rehearsal room.

          “Good news,” he
said, his white whiskers crinkling with a smile. “The situation out there over
in England's turned around. Clarence Blue is going to make a full recovery.
He's out of danger...and you know what that means.”

          My heart began to
beat quickly, so quickly that I had to sit down.

          “Danny's coming
back,” I said softly. My voice shook; it took all of my strength to make sure I
did not waver.

          “Yes,” Slayton
said. “He'll be on the next plane out.” 

          Back like
nothing happened
I thought bitterly. Luc looked up at me, his eyes full of
pain. Was he worried about his rival's return?

          “Hey, Neve,”
Slayton's voice was low. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

          “Sure,” I didn't
look up at him. I didn't want him to see the look in my eyes.

          “I just wanted to
check in...” He sighed. “Danny's been trying to reach you for days. But he
hasn't been able to get through. He says the line's always busy...”

          I'd never been
able to bring myself to turn the phone back on. I didn't want to hear Danny's
apologies, his excuses. I couldn't stand to hear your voice.

          “He's been pretty
busy himself,” I said, not bothering to contain the bitterness in my voice.

          “Yes, Neve, he
has.” Slayton's tone grew grave. “Running Blues Enterprises can't be easy,
especially when you've got a family member nearly dying on your hands. And it's
not easy, either, to run a big empire like the one Clarence Blue built up over
the years, even at the best of times. I don't envy Danny the life he has right
now. And I know he and Clarence have...been spending lots of time together,
alone.”

          “He's spending
time with the whole family, it seems.”

          “Now
Neve
,”
Slayton sighed. “Surely you can't seriously think that...”

          “It's true, isn't
it?” Now the tears were flowing freely. “About him and Roni?”

          Slayton scoffed
aloud. “If you think he'd be interested in a woman like that, a woman so
opposed to everything he stands for...” He considered. “It's impossible, Neve.
I know how he feels about you.”

          “But I...”

          “Whatever Roni
wants you to think,” Slayton insisted, “believe me, it can't be true.” He
looked almost as sad as I was. “She may be a sweet young thing, but she's also
one of the most ruthless women in LA. And she'll say anything; do anything to
get what she wants. She's gotten you out of your comfort zone, Neve. You can't
worry about her – or let her get to you. I know how Danny loves you...”

          “I have to go,” I
said, forcing myself to exit as quickly as I could so that Slayton couldn't see
the tears running down my face. How could what he said be true – how? How could
he love me – when I had seen him and Roni together with my own eyes? When I had
seen the look of passion on their faces? How could he...

          Tears fell in
droplets down onto my phone as I turned it on for the first time in a week.
Messages, alerts, texts, flooded the system.
I miss you. I love you. Where
are you? Darling, I'm worried. Darling, why aren't you returning my calls?

         
How could
this be the same man who deceived me, who betrayed my trust?

         
I'm coming
back as soon as my father is out of danger. I can't wait to hold you and kiss
you and take you in my arms once again.

         
I looked
across the room at Luc, who was practicing his guitar, his long brown hair
falling over his face. He was adorable, I thought – sexy, handsome, someone
kind, someone who would never hurt me. He had seen me in my darkest hour and
seen me through it. How had I been such a fool, to love someone as duplicitous
as Danny when someone like Luc was there to love me all along?

          But my heart
sank. Danny's words had made an impression on my soul, whether I wanted them to
or not. No matter what I felt or did not feel for Luc, my feelings for Danny
were still intoxicating, overwhelming. That was what hurt so much, scarred so
deeply.

          “I need to go...”
I said to the band mates. I needed to take a shower, to get away from Luc, from
everyone. I needed space to process my thoughts.

          Luc caught my
eye. “D'you want me to...” He always followed me home after rehearsal.

          I shook my head.
“I just need to go,” I said, my voice firm and defiant. I needed to be alone,
to process what was happening, to get in control of my heart.

          I drove back to
my apartment – as sad, as empty, as bare as before. All my things were at
Danny's, but I couldn't bring myself to go back there. I couldn't bring myself
to look at the bed, to see how happy we had been, to picture us lying there,
naked and intertwined.

          I got into the
shower and began to sob, my body racking once more with the pain, the guilt,
the shame, the confusion. I was numb, divorced from my body, divorced from all
my desires.

          A knock came at
the door.

          “Luc...” I
murmured, sighing. I had told him I didn't want him there. I'd told him to stay
away.

          And then I opened
the door.

          Danny Blue stood
before me.

          He was looking at
me with his big blue eyes, nothing in them but love, but need, but joy and
desire. He took me into his arms and, before I could protest, he began kissing
me more passionately, more overwhelmingly, than ever.

          “No...” I tried
to push him away, but already I could feel my knees buckling, going under,
growing week.

          “I've missed you
so much, Neve...”

          “Danny,
no
!”

          This time I
pushed him harder – so hard he went stumbling back against the wall.

          “Neve, what's
wrong?”

          “Danny,
no
!
I know!” I began to cry, sobbing harder and harder. “I know about
her.
About
you and Roni. I know what's happening. I saw the video.”

          Danny looked like
he'd just seen a ghost. He turned chalk-white, ashen, stricken, leaning against
the wall for balance.

          “Neve...” he
began slowly. “I never wanted you to see that...”

          “You thought you
could just keep your affair a secret? You thought I wouldn't find out?”

          “A long, long
time ago, Neve, I did something I regret – regret to this day. I slept with my
own stepmother. I was in a bad place, a very bad place, psychologically. Drugs.
Drink. Physical need. I gave into Roni's advances – what's more, I treated her
badly. As badly as my father treated her. And I never told you because I was
too ashamed. But that video, Neve, it's from almost a year ago. From before I
met you.”

          “B-b-but you
slept with her.”

          “And I regret it
to this day. I regret what it's done to my family. I feel guilty – so
guilty...about how I behaved. About what I've done.” He swallowed. “That's what
caused his heart attack, you know. Someone sent him the video. Tried to shock
him into an early grave.” He smiled darkly. “Can you guess who?”

          “She tried to
kill your dad?” That information was too overwhelming – it blotted out all my
anger.

          “I think so,
Neve.” Danny sighed. “She's more than just a bit unstable. She's certifiably
crazy. And she won't be happy until she's taken her revenge on every last one
of us. She won't be happy until everyone is as miserable as she is. Neve, I
love you. I have always loved you – and I have never been unfaithful to you. I
lied to you about Roni – I left out the truth – and I'm sorry. I was wrong to
do it. But it was only because I wanted to deserve your love so very badly. And
I wanted to be a good man – to forget my past. Please forgive me, Neve. I've
never been with anyone since you. I promise.

          “Will you forgive
me for what I've done?”