Never Keeping Secrets (23 page)

 

Keesha glanced around the table as she bit at her cuticle bed. She winced as she pulled at a piece of skin too deeply and caused a pop of blood to fill her mouth.

The track lighting of the restaurant glinted off her engagement ring on her left hand. She shifted her eyes away from it.
My marriage is over before it even began,
she thought.

Everything it stood for had just been shitted on.

Keesha knew she had fucked up. And all of her chickens had come home to roost.

She crossed and uncrossed her legs under the table as Danielle motioned for the waiter. He came over to her right away.

Keesha couldn't blame her. She knew if she wasn't pregnant she might roll her first blunt in five years and get Bobby Marley wasted. Still, she counted the empty glasses crowning Danielle's place setting.

Keesha squinted her eyes as she watched Danielle smooth her hands over her sleek ponytail.
I wonder what's wrong with her? Xavier the Ass hadn't divulged
that
when he vomited all their secrets.

Keesha glanced across the table at Latoya. Her eyes drifted down to take in the way her left hand stayed pressed against her clutch sitting on the table. Her eyes shifted again to take in the tiny beads of sweat on her upper lip and the rapid blinking of her eyes.

Latoya needed a pill and Keesha knew that as soon as she got out of their company or even thought they weren't looking that she was going to get her fix. She had been there and the craving for the drugs was all the more intense when it was just sitting there near you but you couldn't risk taking it.

She looked at each of these women she shared so much of her life with.

Even after she betrayed Monica they had bridged the gap and chosen their friendship over Rah's abusive ass.

Danielle had always been the one to call for good advice or just someone to let you rant.

And Latoya was the one that it just was hard not to love.

Keesha reached in her purse and pulled out the king-sized pack of gum she carried to try and chew and pop her way through her nicotine cravings. She pressed her hand up against her belly. The curve of her unborn baby had barely raised her waist up a size but touching her belly and knowing she was growing another child inside her was comfort. It made her calm when she wanted to go crazy. It made her relax when she wanted to flex.

I am going to be a better mother to you than I was to your big sister,
she thought, looking up just as Monica shifted her eyes away from her hand on her belly.

Keesha sat up a little straighter, wondering what she had been thinking.

Keesha packed another piece of gum into her mouth.

Kimani's father was taken from their lives by death and Keesha had to scrimp, save, and strip to take care of her daughter. Now she was looking at going it alone again. Corey would leave her and she didn't want Shawn.

Shawn had been a distraction from the unhappiness she caused in her home. He had been nothing more than a reason to think of how out of control she had become. Shawn was nothing more than a reason not to admit to Corey that he had been right and she had been wrong.

Keesha nervously pushed yet another piece of gum into her mouth to chew as she eyed Latoya's steady touch on her purse tighten into a grip.

She understood all too well the other woman's urge to forget all the bullshit by getting high. All too well.

Keesha thought of how they all had been played by Xavier.

Monica picked up her phone and walked outside the restaurant.

Keesha almost choked on the wad of gum as her phone lit up and began vibrating against the table.

She picked up her phone.
Corey.

Danielle and Latoya shared a long look.

“At least you'll know where he stands before you go home,” Danielle advised.

Keesha eyed her. Danielle had always been the one to make sure everybody else was okay. To make sure everybody else got what they needed. When both she and Tiffany needed a place to stay it was Danielle who opened up her doors to them. She was the most giving of them all.

It felt good to know that had not changed but Keesha wondered if she had anyone doing the same for her.

Keesha picked up the phone and placed her wad of gum inside her napkin as she answered the call, her heart pounding so loudly and so hard in her chest. “Hey baby—”

“You're fucking Shawn, Keesha? In our house? Are you for real? You were fucking Shawn IN OUR HOUSE? Are you fucking kid—”

She hung up on him and sat the phone back on the table as she pressed her hand against her belly. A tear raced down her cheek as guilt flooded her. Fear flooded her. Shame flooded her.

She was drowning.

“He knows?” Danielle asked.

Keesha nodded and wiped the track of her tear.

“That bastard,” Danielle said, signaling the waiter for another glass.

“I cannot believe this shit. I cannot wrap my brain around this shit. I just can't. I can't,” Latoya said, visibly trembling.

Keesha eyed her, wondering if it was her emotions or the pills talking.

Her eyes shifted back to the phone but she didn't answer. She couldn't answer. She could not deal.

“Corey asked me to marry him,” Keesha said with a sad smile as she tapped her still-vibrating phone. “He rented a carriage and we rode around Central Park and . . . and we came to a beautiful lake . . . and . . . and . . . and while I'm sitting holding the flowers and the candy he gave me he asked me to marry him. It was out of a movie or something and . . . and . . . it sounds corny as
fuck
but it felt so good for a man to do that for me. It made me feel so special, so loved,
so
happy.

“And I didn't deserve it because I knew what I did to him, but I
wanted
it,” she said, her bottom lip trembling. “I wanted it
so
bad, y'all.”

Tap-tap-tap.

“And now it's gone,” she said softly as she looked down at her engagement ring.

The phone stopped vibrating for a few moments before it kicked right back in. Corey was blowing up her phone with the same speed and intensity that Xavier blew up their lives.

Tap-tap-tap.

The icon for a text message filled the screen.

Danielle and Latoya looked on quietly as Keesha picked up her phone. She released a shaky breath as she opened it:

Keesha closed her eyes. Although it was just words his anger as palpable.

“I cannot believe Xavier is such a damn lunatic,” Latoya said, as she rubbed her fingers against her palm and then dabbed at her sweaty neck with one of the cloth napkins.

Keesha felt a jolt as she eyed Corey's face filling her screen with another incoming text. She reached for her cell phone.

She sat the phone back down as her soul continued to ache. She bit at her acrylic nail again.

Her world was collapsing around her.

In another place and under different circumstances she knew she would enjoy being back in the presence of her friends. But it was hard to marinate in the old times and their unlikely reunion when she knew all hell had broken loose in her relationship.

Even as they all made idle chit-chat about their careers and accomplishments, still pulsing in the air around them was that vibe of trouble ahead.

Keesha eyed the way Latoya fidgeted in her seat but kept her hand on that purse like her ass was playing Twister. She was ready to snatch it from her.

She focused her eyes on her silent phone.

She picked up her phone and read Corey's texts again, shaking her head in disbelief at it all.

She had made the first fatal mistake by cheating on him, and choosing his cousin had been so disrespectful. She delivered up the bullets Xavier Lofton used to shoot her relationship to death.

Keesha looked up as Latoya stood up suddenly.

“Excuse me,” she said.

Her eyes followed her as she stopped a waiter and then headed toward the restroom he pointed to.

Danielle and Monica glanced at her and then glanced away, lost in their own thoughts and problems.

Keesha stood up and quick-stepped across the restaurant and into the bathroom behind her.

 

It wasn't that Latoya didn't want her marriage but as she'd proven with the same tactics she pulled to ensure she didn't lose custody of Tiffany to Bones, she couldn't deal with losing her children. Right now if Xavier was telling the truth—and Latoya had no doubt that he was—then he had provided Taquan enough proof for her to lose far more than just her marriage.
Did he send the evidence to Bones too?

Latoya pressed her hand against her clutch sitting on the table beside her glass of water. She wanted so badly to take a pill and knock off the rising edge.
Just one would get me right. Just one.

She felt so high strung and anxious. So unbalanced and lost. Sweat was already beginning to dampen her clothes. She felt it on her upper lip. Her pulse raced.
Just one would level me off and I could think.

Latoya shifted her eyes away from her purse just as the waiter brought Danielle another glass of red wine.
Everyone has vices to cope and maintain
.

She shifted on her seat, feeling the pressure of the folder she sat on. She hadn't dared to leave it behind in the ballroom and she didn't want it sitting on the table mocking her so she stuck it under her when she sat down.

Danielle's was inside her Birkin. Monica's was on the floor beside her seat. Keesha had folded hers and shoved it inside her purse.

The very past anyone would rightfully want to leave behind was right there being carried by them. There was no way they could leave it behind.

Latoya watched Monica and Keesha check their phones. She had left hers in the car. She doubted Taquan called. He probably hopped on the phone with the board to diffuse how his wife's addiction would affect his grand tribute to himself.
The church of Taquan.
She felt hysterical laughter bubble up inside her.

She closed her eyes and fought for it not to escape.
His ass doesn't even deliver the Word that great. TD and Joel have nothing to worry about. Please.

Latoya patted her purse just as she opened her eyes. She found Keesha's eyes on her and she nervously swiped at the sweat she felt beading on her upper lip.

Everything in Keesha's eyes let Latoya know that she was well aware that Latoya was in the throes of a minifit. She blinked as she shifted her eyes away from her, unable to take someone who knew her finally seeing the secret she had hidden so well all these months. She was exposed.

There was a bittersweetness to that.

She was so invisible in her life that no one in it even saw that she had succumbed to a drug addiction. Not one. And she didn't know if that was more about them not thinking it possible for her to become an addict or their just overlooking her like a pretty window dressing.

She had no doubts in her mind that these three women sitting here with her, equally dealing with a plague from their past, would have seen the change in her. They would have given a shit.

Her husband did not.

She blinked away rising tears.

In those moments right after Xavier took such pleasure in humiliating them her thoughts had been how Taquan forcing her to apologize to Olivia had been worse. Much worse.

The smugness on that woman's face had felt like cuts to her soul with a brand-new razor blade.

To hell with him
.
I just don't want to lose my children. The same way I sat right there and allowed my husband to convince me to lose myself. Who the fuck am I anymore?

She had trusted in a man she thought was a friend when these women had already proven themselves. Latoya thought about how much she divulged to the man she knew as Marion. She whispered her secret right into the devil's ear.
Just one. Just one
. She gripped the purse and wondered if she could sneak one.
I miss my Altoids can.

Latoya shrugged as the rest of the women talked about some actor named Kelson Hunter. In her home, they only watched nonsecular TV. She had no clue who Kelson Hunter was.

She clenched and unclenched her hand in her lap as Monica walked out of the restaurant with her phone. From her seat she could see Monica pacing as she talked on her phone. She wiped the sweat from her neck as she looked around the restaurant for the bathroom.

Keesha picked up her phone.

Latoya could tell from her face that it was Corey. She glanced at Danielle.

The look they shared was evident. Corey had always been so good for Keesha. Keesha
and
Kimani. They knew the man had to be hurt. He had to be. Keesha had pulled the ultimate no-no. Although it was true you never knew what drove anyone to cheat, they knew that discovering your fiancée might be pregnant by your cousin was a lot to bear. Especially coming from someone else.

“At least you'll know where he stands before you go home,” Danielle said to Keesha.

Latoya already knew where Taquan stood. It was all about how anything she did either fed or fought his ambition. She shifted in her chair as the need for a pill nipped at her like mosquitoes in the summertime.

“Hey baby—”

Keesha's eyes widened even as they filled with pain.

Latoya couldn't make out Corey's words but she could tell he was screaming at her.

Keesha ended the call and sat the phone back down. A tear raced down her cheek.

Latoya felt hopeless and helpless. There was no doubt now that Xavier had indeed gone through with it. No doubt at all. By now Taquan knew it all. There was no scab on her past unpicked.

Latoya felt her emotions slide into red-hot anger that made her entire body tremble with it. Everything was so senseless.

Xavier was the devil's minion.

As badly as Latoya wanted a pill she knew she might have another fight ahead of her. Perhaps against Taquan and Bones. She didn't know.

The sound of Keesha's phone vibrating was the only sound at the table.

Danielle kept looking off into the distance with her face filled with sleep and fatigue and the effects of the wine she was still sipping. Keesha looked like she was fighting hard not to cry. Fighting and losing.

Latoya saw her pain so clearly and her heart literally ached for her as she watched on as Keesha looked down at her engagement ring. She didn't know what to say to make her feel better when she was in the midst of her own emotional typhoon. At any moment any of them at the table could be a hypocrite because they all had sins and griefs to bear.

As Keesha checked her phone, Latoya pressed her back against the chair with her hand still on her purse.
What am I going to face when I get home? Will I even have a home to go to?

Latoya felt like her clothes were binding her, too close to her skin. Rubbing her the wrong way. She picked up the napkin holding the utensils she had no plans on using and pressed it against her neck.

The mix of her addiction and the aftereffects of Xavier were too much to bear. She had enough on her own plate without the secrets of her friends being shoved down her throat as well.

Latoya frowned as she could clearly hear Xavier tell Danielle:
“You suck a mean dick.”

And then he said Danielle gave out sex favors for her job on television? She frowned deeper at a vision of Danielle getting eaten out by a woman. She side-eyed her.
So Dani's a lesbian now?

The man had not just lied to them and invaded their lives. He used his fake personas to his advantage to sex Danielle and Monica.
Just sick.

Latoya played with the hairs at the nape of her neck as she fought to resist the demon on her back. She knew that once again she had to fight it. Get strong. Do better.

Latoya felt overwhelmed by her thoughts and all of the questions running through her mind.

Latoya's mouth felt dry and she drank deeply of the ice water. Her fingers remained on her clutch and lightly scratched back and forth against the leather. She stood up and tucked her clutch under her arm. “Excuse me,” she said, leaving them to stop the first waiter she neared.

“Where's your restroom?” she asked him, feeling tightly wound.

“The ladies' room is right over in that corner there,” he said, pointing in its direction.

She followed where he pointed and headed toward it. “Thank you,” she said, feeling her heart racing in anticipation.

As soon as she pushed the door open and stepped inside she opened the flap of her clutch and dug out her prescription bottle. The pills inside rattled against the amber plastic as she fought with trembling hands to get it open.

The bathroom door opened and Keesha stepped inside.

Latoya froze, her hands still trembling.

“Those pills ain't shit but the anchor weighing you down,” Keesha said softly but earnestly, her eyes filled with sympathy and concern as she removed her hand from her belly and reached out to Latoya with her palm side up.

Latoya's hand clutched the bottle and she bit her bottom lip. “Girl, y'all don't know. I hate my marriage,” she admitted in a hoarse whisper, her shoulders sinking as tears gathered in her eyes. “I'm just trying to make it. I'm just trying to start and finish every fucking day without losing my damn mind.”

And that was the truth.

Keesha stepped forward and wrapped her hand around the one Latoya clutched the pill bottle with. “I swear to you this will only get worse before it gets better,” she said, gently removing the pills. “And you can't do it alone. You can't just call on the Lord. You have to go to all those people the Lord blessed with the know-how to help addicts like us. Junkies . . . fiends . . . like us.”

Latoya allowed Keesha to pull her into a tight embrace.

“You can call on me when you need to talk or you need someone to listen to you vent or you just want someone to sit in silence and just be there. I will do that for you because I know you are better than this, Toy,” she said.

Latoya turned her head to the side. Their reflection was in the mirrors over the sink. Keesha was holding her tightly and letting her know she was not alone anymore. For the first time in a long time Latoya felt like someone had her back.

She released a long, heavy, soul-cleansing breath as the tears wet her friend's shoulder.

“Thank you,” she whispered, knowing her battle had just begun but knowing she didn't have to fight alone.