Never Let Go (13 page)

“Did you actually hit her?”

Justin blinked and stared at Mallory. “Hit her? No,” he said hesitantly, then shook his head. “That’s not the important thing. I wanted to. God, how I wanted to.” He shuddered. “Never again. Never again.”

He realized then that Mallory was trying to struggle to her feet. “No,” he said, urging her back. “Leave it alone. Leave me alone. I was wrong to think you and I could make it work. I should have realized how you would feel about having kids. You’re a child psychologist. Of course, you’d want children of your own. I’m sorry.”

He wanted to touch her one last time, but he was sure if he did, he’d never be able to
leave and he knew he had to leave. It was the only choice. “I’m so sorry.”

Tears were running down his cheeks, but he was hardly aware of them as he backed toward the door. He gazed at Mallory as though he could imprint an image of her on his mind forever. Not this one, his head shouted, not this image of her staring at him as though he’d delivered a cruel blow. He wanted to remember her laughing. He wanted to remember how she’d felt in his arms.

And then he thought, as he ran out of the apartment, he didn’t want to remember at all.

Mallory wasn’t nearly as startled as she once would have been when Justin began avoiding her. She’d even expected it after the revelations he had made to her. She could analyze his behavior with a calm, rational professionalism that would have made her college professors proud. She understood exactly why he had run, exactly what his fears were, but she found it hurt just the same.

It hurt even more when she tried to force the issue, to make him face it so they could go on. He practically told her to get lost.

“There’s no point in discussing this anymore. It won’t change anything.”

“I won’t just let it die. I love you too much. I know if we work together, we can resolve this. We can’t do a damn thing if you won’t even see me,” she snapped when she finally managed to corner him alone in an elevator. She pulled the emergency stop button and halted it between floors.

“What the hell are you doing?” He pushed the button back in. The elevator jerked to a start.

“Trying to talk
some sense into you.” She yanked on the button again.

“If I want to go into analysis, I’ll pay the two hundred dollars an hour for it.” He hit the emergency button, and the elevator reached her floor before she could stop it again.

“You are a stubborn fool, Justin Whitmore,” she said as the doors slid open. “You’re just going to throw this away, aren’t you?”

She stalked off furiously, determined not to be the one to make the next move. Justin didn’t want Mallory Blake, the Ph.D., who could understand what he was going through, who could help him deal with it. He only wanted the woman and right now Mallory Blake, the woman, was ready to tear the man in two. It would be just as well if they kept as much distance between the two of them as possible until she could bring that Irish temper of hers under control.

It was Davey who drew them back together again. He was beginning to make astonishing progress, now that his father was there to see him every day. He even seemed to accept his mother’s infrequent visits with a certain childish stoicism. It looked to Mallory as though his father would be granted custody, and that there would be no reconciliation between Jenny Landers and her husband. It didn’t surprise her. She didn’t believe in reconciliations anymore.

Every evening either Mallory or Justin took Davey for walks around the hospital grounds or to the playroom. They were astonishingly successful at seeing that their visits never coincided.

One night, though, Davey insisted that the three of them go out for hamburgers at the coffee shop
across the street.

“Dr. Justin said I could,” he announced with a stubborn pout when Mallory hesitated.

“Then I’m sure he’ll take you,” she said.

“I want you to come, too.” His eyes filled with tears that were amazingly timely. “Please,” he begged, and Mallory was lost. Damn the kid!

If Justin was surprised to see her when he came to get Davey, he hid it well. His greeting was polite, if not effusive. Dinner was an uncomfortable affair at first, but Davey’s enthusiastic chatter gradually overcame their initial reticence, and soon the three of them were laughing like any of the other families in the restaurant. For Mallory it was an all-too-tempting image, bittersweet because of what it said about the future she was finally accepting would never be hers. Justin’s glance caught hers across the table, and the old touch of magic and fire was in his eyes. It was Mallory who blinked and looked away.

After dinner, they took Davey back to his room and said good-night.

“Come on,” Justin said. “I’ll walk you to your car.”

“That’s not necessary.”

“Necessity has nothing to do with it,” he said, already walking along with her. “I’m sorry if Davey forced you into this.”

Mallory shrugged indifferently. “You’re the one who called it quits. I wanted to keep on seeing you, to try to work things out.”

She could see Justin’s jaw working. “I’d like to see you again. I’ve missed you,” he said, and her heart rose with excitement, only to plummet in the next instant. “I don’t want
to lose you as a friend.”

As a friend.
The words seemed to stick in Mallory’s throat, and she wanted to choke. She wanted to wring his neck, but she managed to smile. “Why not?” she said with a bravado she didn’t feel. Never let it be said that Mallory Blake was a coward. Mature, rational adults, who had been as close as she and Justin, ought to be able to remain friends after the love affair ended. “We can always give it a try.”

“Want to go to a picnic with me on Saturday? The residents are playing ball against the guys from radiology.”

“Sounds like fun.” It sounded like sheer, unadulterated torture. It was also doomed to failure. Mallory should have known that, and so should Justin.

Instead, they blithely set off for the park on Saturday, a picnic hamper in the back seat of the car, friendly smiles plastered on their faces. Mallory was smiling so hard her jaw hurt.

“So, is this game for men only?”

“As far as I know.”

“Sounds a bit chauvinistic. Are the women supposed to stand on the sidelines and cheer dutifully or are we relegated to the food detail?”

He cast a sharp glance in her direction. “You don’t really want to play, do you?”

Actually, it was the last thing she wanted to do, but there seemed to be a principle involved and suddenly she was stubbornly determined to defend it. “Why not? I used to play ball with my brothers.” Only after dire threats and promises of unlimited ice cream in return.

Justin shrugged. “Let’s see what’s happening when we get there.”

When they arrived at the park,
they found that there were more than enough residents to play, but the radiology group was a little short and was willing to be an equal-opportunity team. Mallory was given a glove and sent to the outfield on the theory that most of the doctors were out of shape and would never hit a ball that far. She trotted past Justin, shooting him a triumphant smile.

It felt good to be outdoors with the sun beating down on her bare shoulders. The sky was a vivid blue, and white puffs of clouds skittered by overhead. She was so busy enjoying it all that she nearly missed a play. She heard the crack of the bat against the ball and looked up just in time to see the ball whizzing in her direction.

“Oh, dear heaven,” she muttered as she moved backward in an attempt to get in position.

“Go for it, Mallory! You’ve got it.”

She was encouraged by all the shouts and stretched up to make the catch. She took one last step back—into a hole. Her ankle twisted and down she went with a sickening thud, arms askew. No one was more astonished than she was when she heard the soft
thunk
of the ball in her glove and a roar of triumph from her teammates.

She got to her feet and trotted in, trying to ignore the strange look of approval she caught in Justin’s eyes. If the catch had been her only moment of glory, she would have considered the day a success. Instead, she had a chance to put her team ahead.

With two men out and players on
first and third, it was her turn at bat. She hadn’t made a hit all day and had no reason to expect anything to change. The pitcher seemed to take uncommon delight in whizzing the balls past her so quickly she rarely even saw them. This time she simply closed her eyes and put the bat somewhere in the middle of the strike zone. There was a dull
thwack,
her hands started to sting, and her teammates screamed at her to run toward first.

Mallory took off, hardly aware of the fact that the ball was dribbling slowly down the baseline in the same direction she was headed. She was focused entirely on where she was going, and when Justin suddenly loomed up in front of her, there wasn’t time to stop, much less to avoid him. She ran headlong into the solid mass of his body and practically knocked herself out.

His arms went around her, and every inch of her body went instantly weak as her pulse skipped crazily. She never noticed that he had the ball in his hand, that the umpire had called her out or that her teammates were trailing off dejectedly. All she knew was that she was in the arms of the man she loved more than anything.

“Are you okay?” His voice seemed choked. She could only manage a nod as her eyes locked with his.

“Justin…”

He closed his eyes. “Don’t say it, Mallory. Don’t say anything.” He held her cradled against his chest, where she could feel the rapid beat of his heart and smell the sharp, tangy male scent of him. His shirt was damp under her cheek and it felt so damn good. She sighed.

“This isn’t working,” he said at last, forcing himself to let go of her. He had to use every bit of self-restraint to keep from hauling her to some secluded section of the park, stripping off her ridiculous tank top and sexy shorts and making love to her until they were both unable to think of anything but the present.

It was the future that had
gotten them into trouble. If only they could live for the moment, things would be just fine. But that wasn’t the kind of woman Mallory was, and he wasn’t going to ruin her chances of finding someone else.

“This was a mistake.”

“Getting me out at first? I’ll say it was. I may never forgive you. It was the closest I came to a hit all day.”

“Don’t try to make jokes about it, Mallory. You know exactly what I mean. We’d better stop seeing each other.”

“Again?”

He smiled apologetically. “I know. I’m the one who came back, but I was wrong to think we could have some sort of friendly, platonic relationship. I can’t spend ten minutes with you without wanting to hold you, to touch you.” His voice was husky with emotion.

“What’s stopping you?”

“For all my faults, I do have a few scruples left. I won’t let you waste your life on me.”

“I don’t consider it a waste of time.”

“It is, Mallory. We both know it. I’ll never be able to give you that marriage and family bit, not the way you want. If I try to do it your way, they’ll probably have to lock me away somewhere. If you try to do it my way, you’ll only wind up resenting me. I don’t think I could stand that.”

“So, it’s adios, have a good life, take care of yourself and all that?”

“I think so. It’s for the best.” He kissed her, desperately needing one last taste of her lips. “I’ll drive you home.”

“The condemned woman doesn’t even get lunch?”

“Do you really want to eat?”

“No. I guess not. I’d probably
choke on the chicken.” They were quiet during the ride to her apartment. Justin couldn’t stand the silence, but he had no idea what he could say that would matter at this point. He’d selfishly wanted to keep her near him, even if just as a friend, but it would never work. It had been foolish to think it might.

“This is for the best,” he repeated when he pulled to a stop in front of her apartment. He didn’t shut off the engine, not wanting to draw the painful moment out. He saw the hurt in her eyes and pressed a shaking finger to her mouth in a farewell gesture, feeling the tremor of her lips. It nearly broke his heart—and his resolve.

“You think you’re so smart, Justin Whitmore,” she muttered as she got out of the car and slammed the door. “But you don’t know a damn thing about love.”

Yes, he contradicted mentally
as he pulled away.
It’s taken me a long time, but, thanks to you, I do. I know enough to give you your freedom.

O
nce more it was Davey who provided their solace, though separately. Mallory knew of Justin’s visits because Davey talked about them, but Justin was careful to avoid her. She also knew he was pouring himself into his work, taking longer and longer shifts. She heard the rumblings about his reversion to tyrannical fits of temper, and she was doing the same thing, snapping at everyone. She had added on patients so that by the end of the day she was emotionally spent and too exhausted to even think about her breakup with Justin. Davey was the one bright spot in her life.

He was flourishing now. As the court wrestled with a decision over custody, he remained at the hospital. Though he was physically fine, it had been decided that he would be better off there for a few extra days or even
weeks, than if he were put into a temporary foster home. His father had had to return to his job, but was coming back into town each weekend to give Davey as much support as possible. He had even indicated to the court a willingness to return to San Francisco permanently, if that would influence the custody decision.

A tutor came to see Davey several times a week and Mallory worked with him as well. He was reading far beyond a first grade level, going through the storybooks in the playroom at a speed that astonished and delighted her. She took pride in every accomplishment and had several pieces of his colorful artwork on the walls in her office. The nurses, Davey’s father and even Jenny Landers had commented on how well Davey had responded to her.

“It was just a matter of giving him some attention,” she told Jenny Landers late one afternoon.

“It was more than that. You gave him love, something I haven’t done very well. I hope to God he’ll be able to forgive me some day.”

“I’m sure he will. Just give him time.”

“I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done,” Jenny said. “We’re all very grateful.”

Feeling especially good after that conversation, Mallory was unprepared when Dr. Marshall called her into his office a few minutes later and began to reprimand her again for becoming overly involved with her patient. Mallory sat and stared at him blankly. First Justin and now this? She was going to quietly lose her mind.

“I thought we’d settled this,” she said when she could open her mouth without shouting.

“I must say I had
thought the same thing, Dr. Blake. I warned you about this several weeks ago. Apparently you didn’t take that warning seriously.”

“Have there been more complaints? I swear to you that I’ve kept my promise. I’m only working with Davey in my spare time. His parents are very pleased with the progress he’s making. I just talked to his mother today.”

“That’s not the point.”

“Then what is?”

“You’ve allowed yourself to become too involved with this child.”

Mallory couldn’t honestly dispute that fact. She adored Davey, and he’d begun treating her almost like a mother. “Do you think it’s clouded my judgment?” she asked cautiously.

“Perhaps not. The court seems to value your input highly and, as you say, his parents have nothing but praise for you, but I am going to have to recommend that you be taken off the case.”

“You can’t do that now,” she protested, her heart beating wildly as anxiety surged through her. “The court will be making a decision soon. I’ll need to be there.”

“You’ve filed your statements. If they require more, you will be permitted to comply with any requests, but I want you out of that boy’s room beginning now.” His tone was crisp and decisive, and it cut straight through to her heart.

“Please, Dr. Marshall, don’t do this. It will be bad for Davey.”

“Bad for Davey?” He regarded her knowingly, but not without compassion. “Or bad for you?”

“I don’t understand.”

“I think you do,
Dr. Blake. Whether you believe it or not, I am concerned about you. You’re far too involved with that little boy. I’ve observed the two of you together myself. There’s a bond there that goes far beyond the doctor-patient relationship.”

Mallory felt a sharp ache in her heart. “Is that so awful?”

“Oh, my dear, that’s not the issue. Speaking as a human being, I can well understand your fondness for Davey. I can also see why he would become so attached to you. You’re a kind, generous young woman. But speaking as a psychologist, I have to tell you it’s wrong. I think you know that as well as I do.”

“I don’t know that,” she argued, but she knew from the look in his eyes it was futile.

“Let me just ask you one question. What will you do when he leaves here?”

The prospect of Davey no longer being a part of her day was something Mallory had considered and pushed aside time and again. Dr. Marshall was forcing her to confront it and she didn’t like what she saw…emptiness of a sort she hadn’t faced since she’d lost her husband. With Justin already out of her life, the thought of losing Davey, too, terrified her. Apparently her fear was written all over her face.

“I think you’d better take some time off and get this case back into perspective,” Dr. Marshall said, and this time his voice was gentle, his brown eyes filled with kindness. “You’re a good psychologist, Dr. Blake. Don’t allow one case to ruin a very promising career.”

“I won’t allow that,” she vowed. “I swear to you that I can get Davey’s situation in perspective. He still needs the attention I’ve been able to give him.”

“Perhaps he did, at
first. Now he needs to get ready to leave here. He won’t be able to do that if he’s too attached to you and you to him. Give him his freedom, my dear.”

“Are you suggesting for one minute that I’ve hampered his progress for my own selfish reasons?”

“Of course not,” he replied. “But it’s time to let go. Think it over, and I know you’ll see that I’m right. Say your goodbyes now.”

Mallory thought about little else all night. In the end, she admitted that there was far too much truth in Dr. Marshall’s assessment of her relationship with Davey for her peace of mind. He was an appealing little boy and he had needed her. It was no wonder he was becoming the child she’d never had during her marriage, the child she might never have with Justin. It wasn’t a healthy situation for either one of them.

The next morning she asked the psychology chief for some time off. He readily granted her a three-week leave, clearly pleased by her decision to act on his advice. By the time she came back, Davey would very likely be home again, perhaps even in another city with his father.

It was late in the afternoon when she went to break the news that she wouldn’t be seeing him anymore.

“Hiya, sport. How’s it going?” she asked when she found him in the playroom, finger paints streaked across his cheeks. The tip of his tongue peeked out of the corner of his mouth as he concentrated on the picture he was drawing of a mother, father and little boy standing in front of a house. A wobbly sun shone down on
the scene and a three-legged dog was being completed in the bottom corner. “Nice picture.”

Davey gave her a lopsided grin. “It’s for Mommy. Rachel told me tomorrow’s her birthday.” A frown puckered his brow. “Do you think she’ll want a present from me?”

“She’ll love it,” Mallory said with forced enthusiasm.

Davey smiled at her response, then gave her one of his very wise looks. “Are you sad?”

“A little bit.”

“Why?”

“I have to go away for a little while.”

The smile on Davey’s face faded, and tears promptly formed. “No,” he said adamantly.

“I have to, sport.”

“Was I bad?”

The question was entirely predictable, but for some reason she hadn’t anticipated it. It broke her heart. She gathered him close, ignoring the paints that got smeared all over her. “No. Absolutely not. You are my very favorite person in the whole world, and I’m going to miss you like crazy.”

She choked back a sob. “When I get back, you may be at home again, just like in the picture. Remember, we’ve been talking about that for a long time now. Right now we don’t know if you’ll be with your dad or your mom, but I don’t want you to be afraid. If you’re with your mom, it won’t be like it was before. She’s much better now.”

“Will you come to see me?”

“I’ll try,” she promised. “But if I don’t get there for a while, you just remember that I’ll always love you and that you’ll always be right here.” She pointed
at her heart, then at his. “And you can keep me right there inside you, too.”

That was the way Justin found them, holding on to each other. Mallory was trying her darnedest not to cry, but it was a wasted effort. Davey was sobbing furiously.

She looked up and saw Justin in the doorway, and he caught the mute appeal in her red-rimmed eyes. With a fear greater than any he’d ever felt before, he went into the room and picked the little boy up, trying to comfort him. Then he had to watch as Mallory ran from the room and, he knew instinctively, out of his life, this time possibly for good.

It took him an hour to calm Davey down. It wasn’t until the child’s father came that he felt he could leave the boy and go after Mallory. The decision to go had been made without conscious thought. His determination to stay aloof had vanished instantly at the sight of her holding Davey, clearly deeply distressed.

He found her packing.

“What the devil is going on? Why were you saying goodbye to Davey? Is he being released?”

“Probably quite soon, but that wasn’t it. You might as well know, I’m going away for a while. Dr. Marshall pretty much insisted on it.”

The news hit him like a sharp blow to his midsection. “Why?”

“He seems to feel I’ve lost my objectivity, and I think he’s right. I’ve turned Davey into a substitute for everything I don’t have in my own life.”

“So you’re running away?”

“I suppose that’s one way of looking at it.”

“How can you leave now?”

“There’s really no reason to stay. There’s no one here for me. I need to get away,
try to get things together for myself.”

“And then you’ll be back?”

“Justin, why does it matter to you? You broke things off. I should think you’d be delighted to know I won’t be around. It’ll give you some space, too.”

“Why do I suddenly feel as though space is the last thing I want?”

“I can’t answer that one for you.”

“Maybe I was wrong about all this. Maybe we can work it out. The past couple of weeks have been hell. I thought I could just pick up with my life the way it was before we met, but I haven’t been able to do that. It’s like a part of me has died. I don’t want to lose you.”

“Maybes aren’t good enough, not for a marriage, Justin. And what about kids? We feel very differently about that. It’s a real problem. It’s not exactly something we can compromise on. We can’t have kids on alternate weeks or keep them in a separate house.”

“I’ll try to change.”

“I don’t want you to do something you’re uncomfortable with for me. You have to do it for yourself.”

“I’m not sure if I can. After what happened with Linda’s daughter, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust myself around kids. I’ll always be terrified that I’ll explode and take my anger out on them.”

Mallory gazed at him and sighed. She had wanted so desperately to believe they had a future together, but not this way, not with Justin struggling to fight demons every step of the way. If only he could see how wrong he was about himself, about his ability to love, to be a good parent. She
made one last attempt to reach him.

“I understand your fears. I really do, but what about all these weeks with Davey? You’ve been patient and loving and gentle with him, even when he’s been a little terror.”

“Davey was different.”

“Why?”

“I identified with him.”

Mallory smiled at him. “You still can’t say it, can you? You love him. One word, Justin, and it makes all the difference to everything.” She sighed and snapped the suitcase shut. He still didn’t understand, and perhaps he never would.

“I’m glad you stopped by before I left. As long as I’m saying goodbyes today, I might as well include you.”

“Mallory, no. It’s not over for us.” He pulled her roughly into his arms and slanted his mouth across hers with brutal urgency. His lips were warm and demanding, and fire raced through her veins as he tried to master her. The desperate attempt almost worked. She felt herself weakening, melting in his embrace, and then she glimpsed the future. What he was offering wasn’t nearly enough.

There were tears in her eyes when she finally broke free. Her voice shook. “Yes, it is. We’ll both be better off. You’ve been telling me that from the first.”

“Damn it, I will not be better off. You’ve finally shown me that I can’t go through life without people, without you. You can’t just leave now.”

“I have to,” she said gently and walked to the door. Justin didn’t follow, so she called over her shoulder as she went out, “Lock up when you leave, okay?”

She was sobbing by the time she reached her car, but she tilted her chin bravely and got in.
With every remaining ounce of strength she had, she turned on the ignition and, with a last look up at the light burning in her living room window, she put the car in gear and drove away.

Three blocks later, she stopped and cried some more. By the time she reached the freeway, she’d made three more stops, used an entire box of tissues and picked up a bottle of eye drops. She doubted if, despite the claims, they would ever get the red out of her eyes.

“Not if you keep thinking about him,” she muttered. “Think happy thoughts. Think about going home. Think about sitting on the patio sipping lemonade and watching the sun go down.”

She was actually doing better until that last thought. It reminded her of sitting on the floor of her living room, Justin’s arms around her, as a pink-hued sunset spilled through the window and splashed across their damp, bare flesh with a magical glow. The vision started a fresh bout of tears.

“You walked out, you dummy. He wanted you to stay. This time you were the one who said this was for the best.” The words echoed hollowly through the car. Now she recognized the lie. It wasn’t for the best. Nothing that hurt this much could be for the best.