Never Look Back (111 page)

Authors: Lesley Pearse

Tags: #Fiction, #Historical

BOOK: Never Look Back

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Tabitha came to with a start, and realized she had fallen asleep.
It was now after ten and she hadn’t gone in to read to Matty as she’d promised.

She jumped up and went out into the long passage which led down to Matty’s room. A beam of light shone out from under her door, and Tabitha guessed she’d fallen asleep waiting. She tiptoed down the hall, for Matty was a light sleeper and she didn’t want to wake her.

Matty was asleep, her hands in their white cotton gloves which she put on nightly after anointing them with cream, spread out on the sheets. Her hair was brushed, still blonde, though faded now and a little thin, like pale gold satin embroidery thread. She was wearing her newest night-gown, a turquoise-blue silk, the ruffled neckline hiding the neck she complained was growing crêpey.

Tabitha stole in to turn out the bedside light, but paused a moment because she saw a note-pad by Matty’s hands. It looked like a list, and she picked it up out of curiosity.

‘What I need for England’ was what she’d written at the top in her thin, spidery writing. ‘Four ballgowns, matching slippers, riding habit (velvet). Fur coat and hat. Walking shoes. Two suits for country, four town, with suitable hats. 6 afternoon dresses.’

The list stopped abruptly, the pencil still beside the pad. As Tabitha looked at its position she realized Matilda had fallen asleep while writing it, her right hand slightly away from the left.

All at once she was doctor rather than daughter, and a sixth sense told her Matilda had slipped away. She took her hand to feel her pulse, but even before her fingers touched the bare skin, she knew Matilda was dead.

It was sheer professionalism which stopped her calling out for Alice. But she sank to her knees beside the bed and bent her head on to it and sobbed.

For fifty-eight years, almost to the day, from tiny tot through to becoming a grandmother, she’d loved Matty. She had been by her side at all the major points of her life – the first day at school, the death of her parents, her first steps in nursing, when she got her degree in medicine, her wedding, the birth of her first child – and on Sebastian’s death she’d been there to comfort her. Yet it wasn’t all those major events that were so important now, it was the little kindnesses, the caring, sharing and laughter. She
was indeed mother, sister and friend, the dearest, most precious person in her life.

‘What are we going to do without her?’ Peter said, tears running down his cheeks as he embraced Tabitha. Alice had run round to his house to get him, and he’d run here so fast he was still panting.

‘She wouldn’t want us to say that,’ Tabitha whispered, and slid her arms around him. They held each other tightly, crying on each other’s shoulders, both aware in their grief of all the others who had loved this woman, but had gone before her. ‘She’ll be reunited with them all now,’ Tabitha murmured. ‘Her father, Lily, Giles, John, Cissie, Amelia, Susanna, Zandra, Dolores and Sidney, but most of all James.’

After Peter had gone in to see Matty, they went into the drawing-room and sat down by the fire, cried together and talked, Tabitha of her memories from when she was a little girl, of Missouri when her parents died, and the wagon train.

‘I wish I’d been old enough to understand that James was in love with her even then,’ she said sadly. ‘I adored him, I would have given anything to have him as a father. How different things might have been if he’d only told Matty how he felt.’

‘But then we wouldn’t have all become a family, would we?’ Peter said. ‘Imagine if Cissie hadn’t had Matty around when John died.’ He went on then to talk about how terrible it was when he lost his mother and sisters, his first memories of San Francisco, and seeing Matty in love with James.

‘She would light up when he was there,’ Peter said. ‘And he was the same. You could feel something in the air between them, it made you tingle just to be in the same room.’

‘She was so brave at his funeral,’ Tabitha said, tears running down her cheeks. ‘It was so awful, all those long mounds of earth, and still more trenches to be dug so the rest could be buried. We could smell the bodies, even though they covered them so we couldn’t see them. She kept her head up, and her back straight, she was as much a soldier as the men who came to pay their last respects.’ She paused to dab at her eyes.

‘I never saw such courage, Peter. When they sounded the last
post, she was trembling, but she walked forward to lay her posy of flowers on his grave. She’d made it that morning, wrapped a wet bandage round the stems so the flowers wouldn’t die too fast. She kissed it and put it down, her tears were glinting on the petals like dew.’

Peter drew her into his arms. Neither Tabitha nor Matilda had ever spoken before about the funeral. He guessed it had been too painful to relive it.

‘It wasn’t fair that she should lose so many times,’ he said, his voice croaking with emotion. ‘She deserved better.’

They were overcome with grief, both constantly saying they couldn’t believe she’d gone. But by talking about all she’d been to them, of how she’d been as a young woman, and how frustrating she’d found it to be growing old, losing her once keen sight, slowly it came to them that a quick and painless death, as hers had been, was what she would have wanted.

‘She once told me all she cared about was that she’d made a difference in people’s lives,’ Tabitha said at length. ‘Well, she did, didn’t she, Peter? Not just to you and me, but all who were touched by her. If we were to make a list now of all the people she made life better for, it would take all night.’

‘There was even your mother-in-law.’ Peter half smiled as he remembered.’ Do you remember how outraged she was by Matty shooting those men? Sebastian thought she’d have a heart attack. But how she changed her tune once Matilda was said to be a heroine! She loved that, she dined out on her connection to Matilda for years!’

Tabitha smiled too. She had never really grown to like Anne Everett, however hard she tried to, and some of the hateful things she’d said about Matty at the time still made her angry.

‘Do you know, she used to tell people that the man Matty killed had robbed and murdered countless rent collectors. She just made that up. I don’t think the police ever discovered anything much about the man. Anne used to say, “Of course she could have been sent to prison, but with our family connections they wouldn’t dare do that.” As far as I know there was never any question of Matty being charged with murder!’

Peter smirked. ‘Even if they had sent her to prison, I dare say she would have even used her time in there constructively. She was never one to waste an opportunity.’

‘Do you think she was serious about going back to England?’ Tabitha asked, suddenly remembering not only the list of clothes but the remark she’d made earlier in the evening about returning home.

‘Who can say?’ Peter shrugged. ‘She did tell me once she intended to go back when Queen Victoria died, just to watch the funeral. I said that was morbid, but she just laughed and said she was still common enough to enjoy a good lavish funeral.’

‘Well, that old lady’s still alive.’ Tabitha smiled. ‘Sometimes I think she’ll outlive me! I wish I knew the secrets of her diet, I might be able to keep some of my patients going a little longer.’

Peter lapsed into thoughtful silence for a moment. He was remembering his time in hospital and how Matty had returned to the ward later that day after James died, and carried on nursing the wounded almost as if nothing had happened. Even when she told him James had died, she offered him comfort, regardless of the fact that she needed it far more. She was tough outwardly, but both Peter and Tabitha knew how soft she was inside. All those years she cared for Sidney, never complaining, never even considering putting him into an asylum when he became incontinent, just shouldering it all with a smile. He reminded himself to find that six cents Sidney had given her all those years ago. She’d want them in her coffin with her, just as she’d want Amelia’s rag-doll, the quilt she made with Lily, and the picture of James.

‘You know how she always used to say “
Never look back”,’
he said eventually. ‘Well, it seems to me she stuck with that right to the end. I guess that list was her intention to have one last adventure. It’s rather comforting to think she slipped away planning it.’

Tabitha sighed deeply. ‘For all those years here in America, she was still so very English, wasn’t she? The emotions kept in check, that indomitable pride and courage.’

‘We must go there later this year, for her,’ Peter said. ‘See all the places she used to tell us about, the palace, the Thames, and the Tower of London.’

Tabitha began to smile, a sparkle coming back into her eyes. ‘I saw some of them when I went to England before, but it will be so much better with you, Peter. We’ll go to the top of Primrose Hill and take a boat down the river to where her father and Dolly
lived. Maybe we could even go to one of the newspapers and tell them her story. Wouldn’t she just love that?’

Peter caught hold of Tabitha’s hand and squeezed it. ‘Do you know, I can almost hear her laughing.’

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