Never Satisfied: Do Men Know What They Want? (3 page)

Considering that those women who frequent these establishments are aware of the perpetrating and shallow nightlife, one might wonder, “Why do they continually go back for more?” Well, men have formulated their own ideas; they believe these women are desperately lonely, bored, or simply hard up. Are they right? Most women would probably say no, but actions speak louder than words. Every weekend they pile inside over-crowded clubs wearing tight skirts, heavy make up, and their breasts pushed up to their chins. Their piercing stares and suggestive body language declares, “Tonight is the night.” There is no doubt many of these women, while not openly admitting it, are romantically entertaining thoughts of finding that special man,
Mr. Right
. Unfortunately, this obscure fantasy plays right into the hands of the hunter who will most certainly use it as leverage to get what he really wants, uncommitted sex.

Some women do eventually wake up and realize the club is no place to meet a decent man. After years of putting up with the exhausting and childish games associated with nightlife, they grab their coats and purses vowing never to return. However, this rude awakening is of no concern to the hunter who is confident that next week will bring countless others to take their places. They will be lined up halfway around the block in the cold and rain, desperately waiting to get into the club, like lambs being led to slaughter. And it is from amongst these unsuspecting creatures that the next “other woman” will be chosen. The question is, who will it be, and why was she chosen?

The attitude of many women is, “Men will lie down with anything with a heartbeat.” That indictment may well be valid if the cheating man is only interested in a one-night stand. However, if he intends on maintaining an ongoing affair, specific requirements must be met, one of which is empathy. The other woman must be willing to accept his current relationship without “rocking the boat.” Most cheating men, especially the married ones, will come right out and tell her the details of his situation. With such a large number of women to choose from, the odds are in his favor. Many women today are so desperate for a man they will accept that he’s married, living with another woman, or has several other women. As one woman told me, “A piece of man is better than no man!”

Sexual inhibition is another requirement. John from Chicago stated, “If the other woman won’t allow me to be sexually adventurous then what the hell do I need her for? I can be bored at home.” His comment is typical of most married men who cheat. The other woman must be willing to do all those things they are afraid or unwilling to ask their wives or girlfriends to do. In the mind of the cheating man, the other woman isn’t held to a high moral standard. The fact that she is settling for a man who is already taken is the perfect excuse to treat her like a whore, which in many cases is exactly what she is. Why should any man respect a woman who knowingly allows herself to be hidden from his wife and the rest of the world? If she wants to play this game then she must play by his rules, and believe it or not, some women play this role for years, giving up the best years of their lives to be put in the second, third, or even fourth position.

Loyalty is another important attribute for the other woman. The cheating man, despite his own infidelity, needs a woman whom he can trust not to “Run The Streets.” If he calls at midnight on a Saturday night, she had better pick up the phone. He doesn’t want to hear any excuses about her being too busy hanging out with her girlfriends. In his mind, she is his personal sex slave who is at his beck and call 24-7. As the relationship develops, she is restricted from pursuing other intimate relationships and is expected to be completely loyal to him. Any breach of this unwritten contract will prompt him to terminate the affair and go hunting elsewhere. Women see this as hypocritical since he himself is cheating. But surprisingly many women tolerate this nonsense. In their minds his jealousy is evidence that he cares about her. When the only thing he really cares about is what he’s getting out of the relationship. It’s all about him!

Physical beauty would have to be the least most important attribute. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not implying that men who cheat are only interested in ugly women. What I’m merely saying is, a woman who is exceptionally attractive and terrible in bed is not all that valuable an asset to the cheating man. He would prefer a woman of moderate looks who’s great in bed, and who has her own place where he can go to creep. Oftentimes, the overly attractive woman is seen as a liability because she is more likely to make demands of his time and money. And since most cheating men are broke, the last thing they need is an additional expense. The philosophy is, “Keep it simple, keep it cheap, and keep it on the downlow.”

The process of choosing this qualified other woman from out of the crowd is a complex one. As you well know, the nightclub is a very dense place. Therefore, the hunter must keep his eyes sharp and position himself in the areas where his efforts can be maximized. Often you will notice him sitting at the bar, standing by the door, or looking down over the crowd from atop his perch. He wants to be the first to move in for the kill if a vulnerable woman should arrive, or should I say, a wounded animal? Once he spots his target, the chase is on. Armed with a fresh haircut, splash of cologne, and hopefully a breath mint he sets out on his lustful safari.

Just as the animal hunter relies on guns, traps, and camouflage to capture his prey, the cheating man depends on smooth talk, good looks, and the low self-esteem of his victims to accomplish his goals. But determining whether a particular woman has the characteristics that will suit his purpose is not such an easy task in the nightclub environment. Loud music, incurable perpetrating, and the woman’s blocking girlfriends make the process all the more difficult. This leaves him with little else to go on except a woman’s attire. More precisely, what she’s wearing and how she’s wearing it. This is the first indication as to her level of availability, class, and morality. But due to the fact that short, tight outfits are commonplace wherever you go, the perception is that most of the women in the club are dizzy, promiscuous whores looking for action. Some men may perceive it as an invitation to touch, grasp and be disrespectful. There is no doubt many women expect these types of impulses since they go to such great lengths to expose so much of themselves. They are shamelessly sending a message regarding their availability, while adamantly demanding to be acknowledged. The hunter is merely reimbursing her for her troubles. And it doesn’t help that women are on the dance floor bouncing and grinding to songs that refer to them as bitches and hos, while at the same time demanding to be respected. It’s a complete contradiction!

On the other hand, the woman who elects to dress conservatively is viewed as more ethical and self-assured. The message she sends is, “I’m confident enough in what I am wearing to attract a man who respects me and is not out just looking for sex.” Some men also perceive her as more intelligent and classy. Mature and self-confident women constantly complain about how difficult it is to compete for attention when the majority of women are willing to stroll around half-naked and throw themselves at men. And since the majority of men on the club scene are not interested in your IQ, advanced degrees, or the last great book you read, the more provocatively dressed woman wins nine times out of ten! After all, he’s not looking for a lifelong wife to take home to mamma, only a part time hoochie to take home to bed.

Clearly, the nightclub is nothing more than a weekly production specifically designed for play, profit, and perpetrating. The music is loud, the drinks are expensive, and everyone is dressed to impress. So what if many of the women don’t have furniture in their apartment or even an apartment. And who cares if the guy has a 300 credit score or three baby mammas. On this pretentious stage nothing is what it appears to be. When the doors open, the curtain goes up and it’s show time. Unemployed men suddenly become record producers and women on welfare masquerade as fashion models. With all the role-playing and B.S. going on it’s no wonder women complain about not being able to find a good man at the club. Hell, even a so-called good man will step out to briefly forget just how good he is.

However, not all men seek their mistresses and lovers at these “night spots.” Most prefer surroundings that are more comfortable and familiar, a place where they can mix business with pleasure.

While the nighttime may be the right time, the daytime has become prime time…for fooling around that is. The workplace has become the “hot spot” for infidelity. Every statistic shows that the J-O-B is the number one place where affairs begin, and although many companies have strict policies against fraternizing with co-workers, that hasn’t stopped the avalanche of affairs and inappropriate flirting.

For the first time in American history, female workers represent nearly fifty percent of the work force, occupying every position from secretary to C. E. O. This reality puts men and women in direct contact with one another on a daily basis. In the morning they board crowded buses and trains together. And for eight long hours they work in cramped office spaces, brushing up against one another by accident and by choice. It was only a matter of time before the fireworks began. A cordial invitation to have a quick lunch passionately erupts into an indecent proposal to have a quickie for lunch. All the while, the cheater is getting paid.

There should be no mystery as to why extramarital affairs are flourishing in the workplace. It is the ideal place for the cheating man to meet a woman who is compatible, desirable, and accessible. Unlike the club scene, the workplace allows for a more gradual progression towards intimacy; there is no rush. In this environment the cheating man appears more like a scavenger, leisurely waiting for the slow death of an existing relationship so he can swoop down like a vulture and pick up the scraps of the emotionally torn victim. He is a great listener too, especially if it’s a negative story about the woman’s husband or boyfriend. He appears to be a reliable shoulder to cry on; never realizing the support he really wants to give is in the form of his erect penis.

Workplace affairs are mutually pursued involvements where both parties are generally up front about their marital status and living arrangements. The woman complains that her husband doesn’t appreciate her, and the man swears his existing relationship is on the rocks. However, one or both of them is usually lying. Most cheaters know that honesty isn’t always the best policy. The trick is to bend the truth a bit until the woman’s heart is firmly secured in the trap. How many times have you heard the lie, “My woman doesn’t understand me?” Or “My wife is married but I’m not.” And if all-else fails, he’ll give her his best line, “I’m just waiting for the kids to get older then I’m getting a divorce,” when he knows damn well he’s not going anywhere with three kids to support and a mortgage to pay.

The real question is, do women really fall for these tired lines? Or do they simply accept them in order to justify the relationship in their own minds? The cheating man doesn’t care one way or the other. His only objective is to relax her defenses long enough to reel her in emotionally. Any lie will do.

Men who elect to tell these lies about being miserable at home must continue to show signs of their unhappiness. Now the game becomes more complicated and the likelihood of getting caught increases. The wife or girlfriend begins to notice a sudden change in his attitude and his routine. First, he starts showing up late from work. “I had to work an extra shift, baby,” he’ll say. But his overtime is usually doing it doggy style at the motel with his mistress. Then he’ll discourage her from visiting him on the job. No doubt to avoid running into his work
whore
. Finally, the most obvious signs of infidelity, working out more at the gym, buying new underwear, or his wedding ring abruptly disappears. Of course, he’ll try to use the lame excuse of, “I lost it.” When that doesn’t work, the next step is to merely find a reason to leave it at home altogether. Men are notorious for using their work as a reason for taking off their bands. “It’s interfering with my ability to do my job,” he says. Now, that excuse may not be much of a lie, since his new job is chasing pussy.

The dead giveaway that an affair is going on is simply this, inconsistency. Men are notorious for changing their habits. The once a week night out with the boys becomes two or three times a week. Sexually he does not perform the same, if at all. And there will certainly be a shift in his attitude. Men are so bad at cheating that they consciously and unconsciously begin to pick fights to justify their cheating. Recently I did a topic on my radio show during Sloppy Cheaters Monday. I asked women if there was such a thing as a respectful cheater? Mind you, I know that cheating is wrong and that men are already being disrespectful when they decide to cheat, but I wanted to make a point. Not surprisingly, most women agreed that there is a right way and a wrong way to creep. The expression that you often hear is, “Just don’t bring it home!”

During the taping of my film,
Love, Lust, and Lies
, a woman from New York made it clear as to what that meant. “She better not call me, she better not know where I lay my head, and she damn sure better not be able to describe my house or what’s inside my bedroom.” Her point was simple; don’t allow another woman to impact my day-to-day life. No diseases, no outside children, no significant monetary investment, and no drama! But because men allow their smaller head to do all the thinking, one or more of these situations usually become an issue. But even after being busted over and over again the hunt will continue. The next task is to find a way to communicate with his new lover without being detected. Now the real games begin.