Never Say Never (12 page)

But not me, because there is something wrong with me. I don’t want to smile and be told I’m so lucky I got to go out with Aiden. I don’t want girls to look at me with envy.  I don’t even want any of my old friends from high school to whisper and wonder if Aiden and I are sleeping together. I don’t want any of that. I don’t want to feel special.

Because I’m not special.

“If I get food poisoning,” Aiden says. “I’m blaming you.”

His voice—oh god, that accent—warms me. “We ordered the same thing, so we’d both get it. And fine. Blame me.” I smile. “I’ve been here a few times before and never got food poisoning, if that makes you feel any better.”

He makes a face. “It kind of does.” I twist my straw wrapper between my fingers. We are sitting in the back, and only a few other tables are occupied. “Have you lived here your whole life?”

“Yeah. I like it,” I say, because I know that’s his next question. Not everyone understands the appeal.

“It’s definitely different from what I’m used to. Living in London and then L.A. and then coming here. It’s almost like culture shock all over again.” He inhales. “It’s weird how it’s so big, how spaced apart things are, yet everything has a sense of community. I feel like an outsider, to be honest.”

His remark strikes me. I didn’t think he was capable of feeling like anything but the shining star. Maybe he does pay attention to things around him and he’s not the center of his own world all the time.

“I can see that. It’s a different world, that’s for sure.”

“It’s probably good for you, though, with the horses I mean. There’s lot of room.”

“Yeah, there is, but it doesn’t matter if you don’t own it.” Mom was saving to buy a ten-acre lot across the street from our property. It had an aging pole barn that with a little work could house eight more stalls and was within walking distance from our house. It would allow her to take in more horses. Thinking of Mom, the pole barn, and being here, in this crappy restaurant without her, sends a spike into my chest. I’m hit with dizziness and suddenly I can’t breathe. Smoke swirls around me and crackling flames rise up on the walls.

Aiden’s face fades from my sight. He says something, but the words are lost under the terrified cries of dying horses. I need to get out of here. I need to find Mom and save her—like I didn’t before. I saved myself and I saved Phoenix, but I didn’t save Mom.

“Haley?” Aiden asks. I can’t see him, can hardly hear him. “Are you all right?”

My hands start to shake and my eyes fill with tears from the smoke. I’m choking and I can’t move. The heat hurts and I realize I’m on fire.

“Haley!” A hand lands on mine and I jolt forward. The flames retreat. I blink a few times and look at Aiden. I’m disoriented; my ears ring, and I’m swaying in my seat. Aiden gets up, dark eyes full of fear. He slides into the booth next to me, one hand resting on my waist, right on top of a patch of scar tissue that still feels like it’s on fire. I jump back, wincing in pain.

“Sorry,” he says and takes his hand off me. “I won’t touch you.”

“No,” I pant and close my eyes. This was a mistake. “You can.” I take another breath, lungs feelings like they are filled with smoke. Trembling, I reach for him, my hand sliding on top of his. “Just not there.” I put his hand on my hip.

“Uh, okay,” he says and moves closer. “Haley, are you…no, you’re not okay. What’s going on?”

He pushes my hair out of my face. I shake my head. “I can’t. I’m sorry, Aiden. I just can’t. I told you that you wouldn’t want to go out with me, that you’d regret it.” He’s blocking me in the booth. I twist and stand. “I…I need some air.” He stands, stricken, and lets me pass. I hurry through the restaurant, almost running into a waitress on my way out. I don’t stop until gravel crunches under my feet. I double over, gasping for breath.

You will not cry, you will not cry
. My hands cover my face, and my entire body trembles. My scars hurt so bad, but the physical pain is nothing compared to what I’m feeling inside.

I saved a horse over my own mother. I took Phoenix outside instead of grabbing Mom’s arm and pulling her out with me. I assumed she was behind us. I assumed she was safe. My assumptions cost her life. I move my hands to my mouth, keeping the sob inside of me. I rock back, and tears roll down my cheeks.

“Haley?” Aiden says softly. “Are you okay? You’re, uh, freaking me out.”

Great, just fucking great. On top of everything, I’m not only ruining Aiden’s night, but I’m freaking him out. I push my shoulders back and shake my head, unable to speak without crying. He keeps walking until he’s by my side. I can feel his eyes on me, but his stare isn’t judgmental. He’s concerned. Slowly, he slips his hand into mine and leads me to the grass next to the parking lot. We sit, and I’m doing everything I can not to break down.

“I got our food to go,” he says as he picks a strand of grass, twisting it around his finger. “I’ll go in and get it. I wasn’t sure if you’d still want to eat or not, but I assumed you didn’t want to go back.”

I nod and steal a quick glance at him. He’s got my purse too. A few minutes pass and he’s still there, still next to me. Finally, I control myself enough to speak.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper. “You can go if you want. I’ll find a way home, don’t worry.”

He looks at me like I’m as crazy as I feel. “I’m not going to leave you when something is going on. I know what it’s—I can tell you’re really upset.”

I pull my lips around my teeth. The panic and guilt start to turn into embarrassment. “I am, and I’m kind of mortified.”

“Don’t be,” he says, nudging me softly. “Haley, what’s going on?”

I shake my head and close my eyes, barricading the tears. “I can’t.”

“I know,” he says slowly. “About the fire.”

My eyes fly open and I lean away. “How?” I rasp.

He looks ashamed. “I Googled your name after we met. I, uh, wanted to know more about you.”

He cared enough to search the Internet for me? “Oh.” I shrug. Maybe famous people didn’t realize how normal that was. I’d spent hours Googling pictures of him before.

“Is that what upset you?”

“Kind of,” I start. “Well, yes, it’s that completely, but it’s gotten…” I trail off. I haven’t told anyone about the visions, not even Lori. I press my hands to the ground to try and stop the shaking.
What the hell is wrong with me?

He takes off his coat and drapes it around my shoulders. Physically, it’s warm and comforting, but it’s more than just that. I turn to him.

“I’ve been having flashbacks to that night. I see everything all over again, like I’m really there. I feel the fire. I smell the smoke. I can’t breathe.” Tears stream down my face. “I know I’m not really there, but it consumes me. And I haven’t told anyone, because I should be getting better, not worse, and I’m not. Something is wrong with me, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You should never have taken me out.”

His eyebrows push together, and there is so much emotion in his brown eyes. “Haley,” he whispers. “Don’t say that. What happened was awful. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you, either.”

I shoot him an incredulous look. “Look at me! I’m on a date with you, and I’m sitting in the grass, shaking and crying. I should be posting pictures and feeling happy and excited but I’m not! I don’t feel anything!” I push up onto my feet and stare at the mountains in the distance. I’m feeling so disoriented right here and now, and I can’t trust myself to think rationally.

The flashbacks, the extreme embarrassment, the worry about money and how the hell I’m going to afford the formula for the foal…it’s too much. I’ve reached my breaking point, and I just happened to reach it while on a date with one of Hollywood’s most eligible bachelors.

I bite my lip and try to suck back the tears. Aiden is watching me, standing a few feet back. I can’t look at him, can’t see horror and regret in his eyes. I turn and realize the only horror and regret is my own. Aiden is looking at me like he knows exactly how I feel.

Chapter 10

A tear rolls down her cheek and she bites her lip, trying not to cry. Then her face breaks and her shoulders slump forward. I stand there, shaking, terrified of the raw emotion. My heart breaks for her and I rush forward, wrapping her in my arms as she sobs. It’s beautiful and it’s tragic, and in that moment, I’ve never felt anything more real.

The pain. The sorrow. Her loss. The darkness I try to hard to keep out, that I fight tooth and nail but can never fully avoid. I hold her and feel it all. It swarms around me, filling me, hurting me, opening my eyes. I realize everything I’ve done to desperately hold it together slowly chipped away at me until there was nothing left, nothing but a shell of a man with an empty heart that I never though was capable of feeling anything but hurt. A heart I thought was never worthy of a second chance, was never capable of redemption.

It’s then that I realize I never, ever want to let her go.

And it’s crazy, because I don’t know her—really know her—but there is something so intimate about holding someone as they cry. It exposes so much, and you can’t hold back as the tears fall and the sadness comes out in waves. I feel my own eyes mist over. I close them and cradle Haley close to me.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” I tell her. “I promise you that.”

“Look at me,” she repeats. “Have you ever had a date end this way?”

“Our date didn’t even start,” I say. “And hey, you didn’t go crazy and shave your head, so I say you’re doing all right.”

She laughs, and her arms slowly wrap around me. Something inside me relaxes. I sit and pull her onto my lap and we stay there in silence for a few minutes. Gently, I push her hair out of her face. “Want that drink now?” She laughs again and nods.

“I
need
that drink now.” She stands up and wipes her eyes, smearing her makeup across her cheeks. “And really, I won’t hold it against you or call the tabloids on you if you drop me off at home and call it a night.”

Tabloids? The word is jarring. For a few minutes I was the real Aiden again…and I didn’t mind. “It’s up to you, Haley. I’m not mad or upset, so don’t worry. I don’t like seeing you sad, and if you’d like, I want to try and cheer you up.”

“I’d like that.”

I stand and drape my arm around her. “Are you hungry? I can go get the food.”

“I am. And thanks, Aiden. I…I don’t know.”

“What?” I probe.

“I’m surprised by your kindness.”

“Ouch,” I say with a chuckle. “Thanks?”

She smiles and takes a step toward the restaurant. “Hey, you can’t really blame me, can you?”

I can’t, because I’ve fooled the world—and at times, myself—about who I really am. The partying, the women, the excessive spending, and run-ins with the American law…okay, so maybe I had a reputation. “No, I can’t. But I’m glad I surprised you.”

“Are you sure you don’t mind staying?” she asks for the third time, making me question if she wants me here. She’s the one who invited me inside once we got back to her house, and she’s the one who’s leading me up the stairs and into her bedroom.

“I don’t. If it makes you feel any better, I have nothing else to do.” She shoots me a look then gives me a half smile. We ate our food in the parking lot of that restaurant, looking at the stars that stretched across the dark night sky. Neither of us spoke much, but having her next to me was enough. “And I’ve never seen a baby horse,” I add.

“Your clothes will get dirty,” she adds.

“I can buy new ones.”

“Fair enough.”

The stairs creak as we go up to the second story. There are three doors off the landing. She goes to the one directly across from us and pauses. “This was my room from when I was a kid,” she starts. “I didn’t think I’d still be here after college.”

I feel a smile pulling up the corners of my lips. “Are you trying to warn me that you have Minnie Mouse wallpaper or something?”

“Worse,” she says, opening the door. The room is dark, and I can only make out the black shapes of a bed and dresser. She goes in and flicks on the light.