Never Say Never (28 page)

“Yes, but not now.” He brings his head down and kisses me. My knees weaken as I kiss him back. “I’m supposed to go to a premiere in a few weeks,” he says. “It’s a friend’s movie. I want you to come with me.”

I pull away just enough to look at him incredulously. “Me?”

He laughs. “You are my girlfriend, so yes, you.”

So many thoughts run through my head, with the first one being
holy shit,
to knowing I can’t leave the horses. It hits me again how serious he is about this—about
us
. I want to let him in, let down my walls and allow myself to feel love. But before I can process any of that, the piece of French toast starts to burn.

The smell of burning bread messes with my head, and the soot-covered hands of death reaches from deep within, grabbing me, holding tight and refusing to let go. It pulls me down into a spiral of flames, and suddenly I’m there again, standing in the barn.

The heat. The smell of burning horse flesh. Pain. Red-hot, intense, horrible pain webbing across my side, melting my skin before I even realize I’m on fire.

Haley!

Mom! I have to get to her. I can get her out! The roof is on fire. We don’t have much time.

“Haley!”

Hands land on my shoulders and I fight them off. “Let me go!” I have to get in there and get Mom. “She’s still in there!”

“Haley! It’s okay. There isn’t a fire. You’re safe.”

I shake my head, my lungs burning. I can’t breathe. I’m going to pass out, but something nudges me. I turn, expecting to see Phoenix, her mane ablaze like the stuff of nightmares.

“Haley,” Aiden says as he pulls me to him. I feel his muscles flex. On some level, I know he’s there and that we are in the kitchen. My mind refuses to believe it. It’s betraying me, putting me back into the barn, back in the fire. “It’s okay,” he soothes. His hands cup my face and his lips press into mine.

The smoke fades. The roar of the flames is diminished to whispers. I’m standing in the kitchen, safely wrapped in Aiden’s arms. He’s kissing me, anchoring me into reality. He’s saving me.

“Are you with me, Haley?” he asks softly.

“I think so,” I rasp. “I’m so sorry.” My lip quivers. Aiden scoops me up and brings me into the living room. He sits on the couch, holding me as tight as he can.

“You do not have to apologize.”

“I feel stupid,” I admit. “My mind is broken. I don’t know why it keeps putting me back there.”

“Your mind is not broken. I think you have PTSD,” he says softly. “And it’s a hard fucking thing to live with.”

I close my eyes. “Don’t let me go,” I whisper, my hands trembling. “Not yet.”

“I’m not going to. Not now, not ever. I’m never going to let you go.”

“Never say never. Hearts get broken when you do.”

“I am
never
going to break your heart. I love you, Haley. I will
never
hurt you.”

Tears leak from my eyes. I’m still shaking from the flashback. I cup his face in my hands and kiss him. I want to believe it’s true. And if I’m taking things one day at a time, then for right now, I need to.

I nod and he kisses me again. We fall back, and he’s lying on top of me, softly running his fingertips up and down my arm. “Do you want to stay here, and I’ll finish breakfast?”

I nod then quickly shake my head. “I can do it. You don’t have—”

He silences me with a kiss and gets up. I bring my legs to my chest and close my eyes, thinking only of Aiden’s warm embrace, the way his heart beats against mine. I dig my nails into the couch.
Breathe, just breathe.
I’m calm enough to get up.

Aiden opens the window above the sink, helping to rid the room of the smell of burnt bread. My heart sinks with guilt. He’s too good for me. How can I be there for him if I freak out like this at nothing, and with no warning?

“I can’t go to the premiere with you,” I say, and Aiden whips around from the stove.

“Why not?”

I shake my head. “Me. This whole situation. I’ve got a few screws loose, and you won’t want me around you in public. I’m a mess, and I don’t want you to get messed up by being around me.”

“Haley,” he starts, but I know he sees the merit in my argument. He turns the burner off and sets the spatula down. “If you are a mess, then it’s a beautiful mess.”

I close my eyes.
Oh, Aiden. Why do you have to be so amazing? Can’t you see my life is spiraling out of control, that I’m losing my grip on reality?

“You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met, Aiden. I don’t want to hurt you or burden you with my baggage.”

“I’m really not that amazing,” he says softly.

“Yes, you are to me.”

“I love you.”

I close my eyes, trying to let down the walls so the words can sink into me, fill me, raise me up. But I can’t. I’m scared, and not just of getting my heart broken. What is wrong with my brain? Why am I flashing back in time, back to pain and fear and fire? “You shouldn’t. There is something hopelessly wrong with me.”

His arms go around me, and he looks out the window at the barn. “You don’t give up on them, no matter how hopeless it seems. You told me everyone deserves someone to fight for them. Let me fight for you, Haley. Let me love you.” Tears well in my eyes and I just nod, unable to say the words back. “There is nothing wrong with you. Something horrible happened, and it will take time for you to heal. Time, Haley. Time and someone to wait for you.”

“I don’t want to make you wait. It’s not fair.”

“Hey, it’s not like you’re making me wait for sex,” he jokes, lifting some of the heavy emotion. “And,” he starts, his eyebrows pushing together, “you’re worth waiting for. I wish you could see that.”

It’s hard to see anything over the flames. Except him. “I don’t want to disappoint you,” I confess, letting out my breath and flattening my hand against his chest. “So, what should I wear to this premiere?”

He smiles down at me. “Don’t worry about that.” His hands slip down to my ass, and he pushes his hips against mine, his semi-hard cock rubbing against me.

“When and how long will we be gone? I need to find someone who can take care of the horses and Chrissy.”

“Two Saturdays from now, and we can leave Friday night and be back Sunday. I can’t miss any days of filming. It’s a four-and-half-hour flight, which isn’t that bad, but I think you’ll want to get in Friday so you can rest and we can fuck.”

I laugh and nod. “I’ll hold you to it. Will I be with you the whole time?” My heart beats faster as I think about walking down the red carpet. Holy shit, I’m going to panic there. What if someone asks me questions?

“You will,” he says. “And premieres are kind of boring, really. There’s just a lot of posing for pictures and answering the same questions over and over while acting like you—oh,” he says, shaking his head. “If you’re with me, the rumors and speculation will start about us being a couple.”

“That’s bad?”

“Are you ready to be pestered? It’s not like anyone will come knocking on your door—well, most likely not—but you’ll be in the public eye.”

“Oh,” I say. “You’re right.” I lace my fingers through Aiden’s. “I didn’t forget, but I didn’t think about it either.”

“I know.” He smiles. “And that’s just one reason I like being with you. I’m just me when we’re together.”

“
Just Aiden
is a pretty amazing man.”

“As long as you think so. Do you feel up to riding today?”

My stomach flip-flops, but not with abhorrence at the thought of saddling up without Mom. I’m excited. “Yes.”

Chapter 22

I lie in lush grass, the warm sun beating down on me. Aurelia wiggles around on my lap, pushing her head onto my shoulder. Once she gets comfortable, I fold my arms around her and close my eyes. Haley is working with Sundance. I can hear hooves pounding on dry dirt as she talks to him, giving him commands and praising him.

Out of all the exotic places I’ve been, places with white sandy beaches and crystal-clear waters, places full of bikini-clad women waiting on me hand and foot, places claiming to be paradise, nothing compared to this. The darkness has settled inside of me. It’s still there, I can feel it, but it’s gone dormant. I stifle a cough, not wanting to disturb the little foal sleeping on me, and close my eyes.

I’m almost asleep when my phone rings. Aurelia startles but doesn’t get up. She huddles closer to me, wanting me to protect her.

“Shhh,” I soothe, and silence the call. It’s my manager, and he’ll leave a message if it’s important. Seeing his name pop up reminds me that this isn’t really my life. I’ll have to leave eventually and go back to the hustle and bustle that is my life. I don’t want to, and thinking of the way I used to live makes me a bit ashamed.

A minute passes before my phone alerts me to a message. Ah, fuck. He’s left a long message. I sigh and unlock the phone, not wanting to hear what he’s got scheduled for me but knowing that putting it off won’t solve anything either.

I have promo appearances for
Shadowland
scheduled to start next month, a reminder about panels at San Diego Comic-Con later this month, a radio show I can record via Skype in my hotel room, and another talk show scheduled for this week. I groan and hang up, not deleting the message yet. So much for spending the whole week resting with Haley.

I pet Aurelia, her soft fur warmed by the sun. I actually like doing talk shows—once I get over my nerves. They turn out to be fun and are pretty easy. Plus, I look good to fans, which is important to me. Image is everything, they say.

I have to leave Thursday afternoon to be in Burbank in time for filming the talk show. I could stay in California for the rest of the weekend, not having to be back here for work until Monday. That isn’t happening. I don’t want to be away from Haley longer than I have to, and I wish she could come with me. It’s not that easy, I know. She has a job, and most of all, the horses.

Aurelia gets up after a while and wants to play. I chase her around until I can’t stop coughing, then go into the barn to see the two injured horses. The big gray guy nickers softly, pressing his nose against the bars of the stall.

“Hey there,” I say, petting him. I haven’t looked at his leg yet. I cast my eyes downward, hesitating. He’s up, though limping, so it can’t be that bad. I move closer and look. The fur has been shaved away, and dark stitches weave around his pink skin. It’s sickening to know someone did that to him. I shake my head.

It’s odd, how being in this small town has pulled my head out of my arse. I’ve lived out of touch with reality, taking everything for granted. Sometimes I forget I’m only human. I’m not immune to the bullshit that goes on around me; I just choose to ignore it.

I let out a breath and move to Phoenix’s stall. She’s standing in the back, head hanging in front of her. Can horses be depressed?

“I know how you feel,” I say softly, unlocking her door. I slide it open half a foot and sneak in, closing it behind me. “You have someone who cares about you,” I tell her, and I’m reminded that Haley feels guilty for not being able to spend much time with the horse.

I lean against the door and see a pile of uneaten hay on the ground. I grab a handful and go to her, grimacing when I see the burns along the right side of her body. The scene plays out before me: Haley and her mom trapped inside a burning barn. The heat, the smoke, the flames inching closer and closer. I can’t think of anything more terrifying. And then somehow Haley gets out, looks back, and her mom isn’t there. Or at least that’s how I imagine it.

“Are you hungry?” I ask Phoenix as I hold out the hay.

She flicks her ears to me and sniffs the hay. I hold out my other hand and gently touch her black fur. She doesn’t move.

“You’re lucky,” I tell her. “Lucky you made it out and lucky you’re here.”

She sighs, and I continue to pet her. Her head comes up, and she takes the hay from my hand. I grab another handful and take it to her, going back for more each time she eats it.

“Want more?” I ask. “There’s a ton over here.”

I lean against the stall, pressing a hand over my chest as I cough and roll my eyes at myself. It’s so annoying to be sick. Phoenix tentatively takes a small step. Hey, progress is progress, right? I stand there, thinking this is what Haley would do, and hold out a handful of hay. Finally, she turns and takes it.

“Good girl,” I praise. “Look, there’s more.”

She lowers her head and slowly nibbles at it. The gate to the round pen opens, rusty hinges squeaking. I look out and watch Haley bring Sundance in. She walks right past me and stops, doing a double-take.

“Phoenix is eating?” she asks me, her green eyes going wide.

“I think so,” I say, looking at the horse sifting through her hay. “It took a little convincing.”

The smile on Haley’s face is worth taking all the time in the world to get this horse to eat. She is so beautiful. She puts Sundance in his stall and rushes over, sneaking into the stall. Her arms slip around me and I kiss the top of her head. She smells like fresh air and sunshine.