Never Say Never (30 page)

“Can we stay here forever?” she asks, settling into my arms after we put our clothes back on.

My heart is still pounding against my chest. “Just like this.”

She runs her fingers through my hair. I close my eyes and hold her tight, scared if I let go I will wake up and realize this is just a dream.

“Are you going to cut your hair once
Shadowland
is over?” she asks lazily.

“Probably,” I say. “It’s bloody annoying as hell. I never had it long before the show.”

“Oh,” she says. “I like it like this.”

“It’s shorter than it is for the show. I cut it as soon as we wrap up a season. It’ll be long enough by the time filming starts.”

“That’s interesting. All of it’s interesting to me. I know what you do, but not really.”

“It’s probably not as fascinating as you’d think. Though I do love it dearly.”

“I can tell. You’re really good at acting.”

“Thanks.”

“Really. I totally cried at the end of last season of
Shadowland
. And I was upset for days not knowing what happens to Gavin.”

I chuckled. “I don’t know yet either.” She pushes up on her elbow, raising an eyebrow incredulously. “I promise I’m not feeding you a standard bullshit line either. I won’t know until I get the script. I’m signed on for the next season, so I know he doesn’t die at least. Or if he does, he still gets screen time somehow.”

“I had no idea. I thought you knew everything about the whole series.”

I shake my head. “It doesn’t work that way.”

“That seems frustrating.”

I run my fingers over the curve of her hip. “It kind of is, more so on a show like that where the main characters get killed off with no warning. Everyone is scared when we get the scripts.”

It’s nice talking about work like this, in such a relaxed and real manner. It’s something I don’t get to do, unless I’m venting to Claire about a shitty day. Clouds roll over the sun and the breeze picks up. I hold on to Haley a little tighter. We keep talking, lying in each other’s arms for a while, and then sit up and eat.

“How did you find this place?” I ask her.

She pulls a grape from the vine. “By accident. Shakespeare and I got lost. I assumed he’d find his way back home, but he found his way to the water for a drink first. You don’t get cell service out here,” she adds. “I couldn’t call my mom and tell her I was lost. When we finally got home, there were two sheriff cars in the driveway, ready to send out a search and rescue. I was only fourteen at the time. I felt so bad.”

“Was your mum pissed?”

“Not until the next day. She got me a this GPS tracker to take with me when I went out by myself after that though.” Haley slides her hand along my abs.

“Cold?”

“No,” I say, and I realize the temperature has dropped. So has the sun. “Are you?”

“A little. I didn’t realize it had gotten so late,” she says and groans. “We should get back before it gets dark. The trails aren’t safe at night.”

Chapter 23

Rain falls on us in sheets, blowing into my eyes. Lightning cracks across the sky. I lean forward in the saddle and urge Shakespeare to go faster. We’re almost home. I’m soaked to the bone and cold. My fingers ache from gripping the reins, and my shoulders are sore from being hunched over, shivering.

Finally, we break out of the woods and race across the field, not slowing until we get to the road. Aiden keeps up next to us as we rush to the barn. I dismount and lead Shakespeare into his stall.

“Are you cold now?” I ask Aiden through chattering teeth.

He smiles. “Just a little.”

Thunder booms above us. Aurelia paces around her stall, unsure of what to make of her first thunderstorm. I quickly untack Shakespeare and grab a towel from the cross ties. Aiden does the same, and we dry the horses as fast as we can.

“Are they okay?” he asks.

“Yeah,” I say, my voice lost to another clap of thunder. “They’re a lot tougher than us. Plus they have fur.”

“Let’s go in,” he says as rain falls harder.

“Go ahead. I need to feed these guys.”

“You’re soaked,” he says.

“So are you. And you’re sick.” I step out of Shakespeare’s stall and meet Aiden in the barn aisle. My arms go around him. “You’ll get sicker. Go inside. I’ll be right in.”

“Not without you,” he says, turning and going to the bales of hay. He feeds the horses while I give medication and mix another bucket of formula for Aurelia. I’m not sure if I’ve warmed up or just become numb by the time we are done. Aiden takes my hand and we sprint out of the barn, racing through thick raindrops.

My hand lands on the doorknob and I push the lever down. “The key!” I say over the rain. “It’s in my saddlebag.”

Aiden laughs, tossing his head back into the rain. “Of course it is.”

My eyes lock with his and I laugh too. Lightning brightens the night, flashing across his dark eyes. “I’ll go get it.”

I dash off the back porch, sprinting through the wet grass and back into the barn. Aiden grabs me around the waist and kisses me as soon as I open the door. We step in, dripping wet, and laugh.

“That was fun,” he says, and he peels his wet shirt over his head. I open the laundry room door and take off my boots. We continue stripping out of our clothes until we are both naked. I pull towels out of the dryer and toss one to Aiden.

The lights flicker as a gust of wind hits the house. “Whoa,” I say, looking outside. “I didn’t know it was that bad.”

“We made it in just in time.”

I nod and wrap the towel around myself, feeling a little self-conscious of the scars. Being naked in front of Aiden while having sex was different from just being naked in front of him.

He has no problem with it, and I enjoy taking a look as he flips his head over to dry his hair. Chrissy licks up the puddles of rainwater around our feet. I reach for another towel right as the lights go off. I pause, waiting for them to come back on.

“Crap,” I say when the house remains dark.

“Hang on, I’ll get a torch,” Aiden says, and I hear material swoosh and the towel land on the ground. He turns on the flashlight on his phone and holds it up, shining it on my breasts. I raise an eyebrow and try to look pissed but end up shaking my head and laughing instead.

“Should we light some candles?” he asks.

Candles. Fire. Burning. Death. Mom. The towel falls from around my body, and I know just the mere mention of a word shouldn’t bring up that sort of response from me.

“Oh, shit. Sorry, Haley, I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s okay,” I say, and I pick up the towel. A chill goes through me and fear slithers down my spine. Am I completely losing it? “And yes, we should. There are candles in the cupboard above the dryer.”

“We don’t have to—”

“Yes,” I interrupt. “I need to do this.”

Aiden takes my hand, understanding. “Let me help you.”

I move my head up and down, taking in a steadying breath. It’s just a candle. Just one little flame. It can’t hurt me. It won’t hurt Aiden. We are safe.

I take a tea light and a lighter and go into the kitchen. I wrap the towel tightly around me, sticking the ends into my cleavage to keep it tethered. The tea light sits on the counter in front of me. I hold up the lighter, my thumb poised to push down and strike. Aiden puts his hand on my shoulder, and right then I know that I love him, and there is no denying it.

I close my eyes and push down. I can see a burst of light through my closed lids. I can feel the heat on my fingers, curled around the plastic device. Slowly, I open my eyes and look at the little flame. I lick my lips and lower my hand, lighting the candle. The flame takes a second to take.

I set the lighter down and step back, unable to keep my eyes off the candle. I’m shaking, and it’s ridiculous.

“Are you all right?” Aiden asks softly, his breath warm on the back of my neck.

“Yes,” I say with certainty. “I am, thanks to you.” I close my eyes again and step into him, my head resting on his bare chest. “It’s just a candle. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal.”

“It’s more than just a candle to you.” Wind shakes the house. He pushes my wet hair back. “Haley, what happened that night? I mean, what really happened? There’s something more to it—something that’s dragging you down into darkness. I don’t want you to go where I have been. I want to help you, but I can’t if you won’t let me.”

What happened was me going around the barn. What happened was Mom telling me not to go to toward the flames, but I did it anyway. What happened was my fault.

“I…I can’t.”

He kisses my forehead. “Not yet. You’re shivering; you should dry off and get dressed.”

We go upstairs, using Aiden’s phone for light. I rub my hair with a towel and dress in cotton shorts and a t-shirt. Aiden only puts on black boxer briefs and gets into bed. I climb in next to him, pulling the covers over us both. He envelops me in his arms.

“Talk to me, Haley. What happened?”

The truth kindles inside me, wanting out. “It’s my fault,” I blurt.

“What is your fault?”

I close my eyes, hearing Mom’s voice.
Haley, no!
I ignored her. I ducked under the fence and ran. “It’s my fault my mom died.”

“Haley,” he starts, in a tone that means he doesn’t believe me for a second.

“It’s true,” I say, breaking out of his embrace. Anger bubbles inside me. “She told me not to go near the fire, but I did.
I
heard the horses inside. I was the one who told her they were in there. If I had listened, if I had stayed away from the flames, she never would have gone inside. She never would have gotten trapped.” Tears bite at my eyes. “She wouldn’t have died.”

Thunder rattles the house, and Aiden looks at me, his eyebrows pushed together and lips in a tight straight line.

“I killed her.”

He casts his eyes down and shakes his head. “You can’t blame yourself for something you couldn’t control, Haley. She made the choice to go into the barn. You didn’t drag—”

“I know! I know she was an adult and could make her own decisions. I know! You don’t get it. It’s my fault!”

He reaches for me and I jerk away. His touch feels wrong right now. I’m tainted, broken, and I don’t want to infect him. “It’s not your fault.”

“Yes,” I whisper as tears roll down my cheeks. “I want so badly to go back to that day. To tell myself to just listen to her and stay away from the fire. It hurts so much, and this is why you shouldn’t be with me. I’m not a good person like you think I am.” I break down. Aiden sits up and holds me as I cry.

“It’s okay,” he soothes, but it isn’t—not at all. “You didn’t intend to put your mother at risk. You didn’t kill her. It’s not your fault.”

I didn’t intend to put anyone at risk. I just wanted to help the horses. I wanted to give them a second chance. My body shudders and I sniffle, wiping my nose with the back of my hand.

He lets me go and gets out of bed, returning with a box of tissues from the bathroom. I take one and blow my nose.

“Sorry,” I say, turning away. “I must look disgusting.”

“Good thing the lights are out,” he jokes, and I smile. “And you’re not disgusting, even if you try.”

“I’d say you’re a bad liar, but that’s not true.”

“Hey, it’s my job.”

I wipe the tears off my cheeks and crumple up the tissue, tossing it to the trashcan by my desk and missing by several feet. Aiden pulls me back down and runs his fingers along my collarbone.

“I love you,” he says, and he kisses me.

“Aiden, I…”

“It’s okay.” He lies down next to me, holding me against him. I run my fingers over the scar inside his wrist. He had his own demons, his own dark past. I bring his arm up and kiss the scar. I let out a breath and my heart doesn’t ache. I feel closer to him than I have to anyone.

I turn in his arms and hook my leg over his. “I’m trying,” I start.

He shakes his head. “Don’t try. You will love me, Haley,” he says with confidence. “I won’t give up until you give me your heart. And when you do, it will be because you want to, because you can’t imagine giving it to anyone else. You and I, we’re not that different. We are both broken and fucked up in the worst kind of way. We are meant to be.”

I forget to breathe. I close my watery eyes and kiss him. “I do love you, Aiden.” The last wall comes tumbling down, breaking into a million pieces as it falls. I’m holding nothing back. My heart is outside my chest, there for the taking.

He pushes up and moves between my legs, feverishly kissing me. “I fucking love you, Haley,” he says between kisses.

“It’s crazy and I’m scared, but I love you, Aiden, so much.”

“Isn’t love supposed to be scary and crazy? It wouldn’t be the same if it was safe and tame.”

“You’re right. And as out of control as this seems, it feel so right.” I bring his face to mine, needing to kiss him. My body reacts to my heart, and I need to feel him inside me, thrusting in and out. I need him as close as he can get, and I need him now.

“I want you,” I rasp, arching my back as his lips move to my neck, sucking at my skin. He just nods and reaches down, his hand going inside the shorts. He slips a finger inside, and I’m wet already. He slowly pushes it in deep, finding my g-spot and gently pressing against it, then releases. Pulses of desire shoot through me. His mouth is still on mine, and I’m kissing him, my hands tangled in his wavy hair. He presses and releases over and over, until my muscles tighten and I’m close to coming.