Never Say Never (34 page)

I call Aiden on my way to work that morning. He’s supposed to be up early for the talk show, and I hope I can catch him before he gets whisked away into hair and makeup. His phone rings only a few times then goes to voicemail. He must be in a location with crappy service. He wouldn’t hang up on me.

I think about him all day and am eager to watch him on the show tomorrow. I’m even more eager for him to get back. I thought about Mom last night, about the fire, and I didn’t have a flashback. Admitting my guilt to him absolved me of some of the dark horror that surrounded me. Aiden makes everything better. I am so completely in love with him.

He doesn’t call me back by the time I get home from work. Assuming he’s still busy with filming or meeting with his agent, I don’t worry and instead go about my day. I change into barn clothes then start chores.

As soon as I step foot into the barn, I know something is wrong. The smell of blood hits me, and I run to Phoenix’s stall.

“Oh shit.” I go through a moment of panic, not knowing if I should call the vet or get bandages first. “Hang on, sweetheart,” I tell her, and I rush into the tack room to grab gauze and disinfectant. Somehow she scraped off the large scab—that was almost healed—on her neck and is bleeding. Badly.

I clean up the blood the best I can to assess the damage. She’s missing a large section of her skin, a section larger than my hand. I cover the area with antibiotic ointment and padded bandages, then wrap her neck with gauze. I wipe the blood off my hands and call Dr. Wells.

She says she would have done everything I did, and there is no reason for me to have to pay for a barn call unless Phoenix takes a turn for the worse. I can give her an increased does of pain meds and need to keep her inside for a few days to allow the wound to heal.

I hang up, already shaken up, and now I’m worried that I haven’t heard from Aiden. He’ll call. I know he will. After all, he promised he’d never hurt me, and I believe him.

I spend the rest of the night in the barn, keeping my phone tucked in my bra so I won’t miss a call, a call that never comes. I text Aiden, asking if he’s okay, and go over all the excuses I can for him.

He lost his phone, or it’s dead and he doesn’t have the charger. I know that’s a bullshit excuse; he can send Claire to get him one. Maybe he’s so tired from being sick he’s sleeping, or maybe he took more pills and passed out.

Unease grows inside of me, and I toss and turn all night. I wake up and call him again, sure he will answer. I get one ring then his voicemail. I leave a message, asking if he’s okay, asking for him to call me back and just let me know what the hell is going on.

But I get nothing.

I should have known this was coming. I should have known he’d break all his promises and leave me. When something seems too good to be true, it is.

A week passes and I hear nothing from Aiden. I’ve called him twice, and texted him five times. That is more than enough. I’m worried about him as much as I’m pissed at him, and I put his name in for Google Alerts. I don’t want to find out through the grapevine if he got arrested for a DUI or something.

My alarm goes off that morning, and I break down as soon as I open my eyes. I want to go back to sleep, back to the black where nothing hurts. I want the hurt to end. I can’t take much more, and I don’t know how long I will last.

The alarm beeps for ten minutes, but the noise is drowned out by my crying. I don’t want to get up and face the world. I don’t want to get up and be reminded how alone I am, how stupid I am for believing Aiden’s lies, for
falling for him.

I drag myself out of bed for them, the horses who will never judge me and never leave me. I’m on autopilot as I go down the stairs, not changing out of my pajamas yet. Everyone whinnies a hello…everyone except Phoenix. I blink, my eyes puffy and swollen from crying so much, and look down the barn aisle. She’s standing in the back of her stall, head down, and not moving.

If my heart weren’t ground into dust, it would break for her. But there is nothing left. Nothing. Just a cold, dark pit in my chest.

I go through the motions of feeding, tossing hay to everyone, filling up water buckets, and dishing out grain. I give everyone breakfast then sit on a hay bale, hands in my lap, unmoving, until the sound of chomping grain quiets. They’re done eating and can be let out.

I blink and push up, ignoring the growling coming from my stomach. It’s odd, being physically hungry but having no drive to feed myself. Skipping one meal wasn’t going to hurt me…again.

I let Benny, Shakespeare, Sundance, Gandolf, and then Aurelia into the side pasture. I watch, making sure the foal doesn’t get bullied, though I doubt I’d be able to do anything in time if she were. It takes everything inside of me to keep on my feet and keep going.

I open Phoenix’s door last and step aside, waiting for her to come out. When she doesn’t, I move inside and see she hasn’t touched her hay or grain from this morning. And most of last night’s hay is still there.

“Phoenix,” I whisper as I go back into the barn and enter her stall from the aisle. “You have to eat, sweetheart.”

The patch of flesh she scraped off hasn’t healed. It doesn’t look any different from how it did days ago. Fuck. It looks worse.

“Eat, Phoenix,” I say, nudging her feed dish. She pushes her ears back.

“You have to eat if you want to get better. Just eat, dammit!” Tears fill my eyes, blurring my vision of the horse. “I can’t give up, so you can’t give up! Just please, eat! I’m doing everything I can! I’m sorry it’s not enough. I sorry
I’m
not enough. Why are you doing this to me?” I slump down in the stall, crying.  “I can’t lose anyone else.”

And then it hits me like a knife to the heart. I’m not mad at Phoenix. I’m mad at
him
. He let me in, made me happy, told me he loved me…and then he left without a second look back. He picked me up when I was a million tiny pieces of broken glass, put me back to together, and then threw me into darkness where I broke into a million more.

And there’s no coming back after that. After getting my heart shattered over and over until there is nothing left.

The sobs pour out of me, shaking my body. I bring my hands to my face, catching teardrops. Why did I let this happen? I knew it would end in the worst kind of pain for me, yet I let him fool me. I hate him. I hate Aiden Shepherd with every fiber of my being.

I get to work half an hour late. My eyes are red and no one says anything. They know Aiden and I haven’t spoken, but no one knows the extent of my heartache. No one knows how much I let him in. They whisper, say I’ve grieved over my mother long enough and it’s time to move on, but no one says anything to me.

Halfway through the day, Mr. Weebly calls me into his office.

“Have a seat,” he says. I’m wearing a scoop-neck black shirt, and he’s not eyeing my breasts. I should worry I’m in trouble, but I don’t. Just like the first time I took a seat in this chair, I feel nothing. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine,” I say automatically.

He just nods and lets out a dramatic breath. “I read the article you turned in. It was rather dark.”

“Depression is a dark problem,” I start.

“We don’t publish stuff like that,” he says slowly. “It might make people uncomfortable.”

“That’s the point,” I say back. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of. People suffer in silence every day because they’ve been told their issue is something to be ashamed of.”

He nods. “Maybe in a bigger city, but here, it won’t go over so well.”

I swallow. I want to feel angry, offended. Something. But nothing comes up. I stare at Mr. Weebly blankly and blink. “Okay.”

“You want to bring awareness to something? Write about how walking along the mountain trails can be heart-healthy.”

I move my head up and down. “Okay.”

He leans forward. “Are you sure you’re all right, Haley? Maybe you should take the rest of the day off, gather your thoughts and come back tomorrow, well rested with a clear head.”

Another nod. “Okay. I should.” I stand and turn toward the door. “Thanks,” I say, forcing a smile. I go back to my desk, finish the article I’m working on, then leave without a word to anyone. Shondra calls after me as I hurry through the lobby, but I don’t slow, don’t stop and turn around. I need out of here.

I sink into the driver’s seat of the Jeep. My body shudders with a sob, but there are no tears left. I stick the keys in the ignition and start the car.

My phone rings on the drive home. My purse is on the floor behind me and I can’t get to it. I’m not anxious to get it anyway. It’s Lori checking in on me, and I don’t want to fake another laugh and lie to her, telling her I’m sad but okay.

I’m not okay, not at all. And I never will be.

I change into jeans, boots, and a t-shirt as soon as I get home. If I stick to my mental to-do list, I can get through the day. I close my eyes. The list. First thing is Phoenix. I left her Dutch door open this morning, giving her the option to stay in and out of the sun or go outside. She’s still in her stall. I treat her wounds, then sit in the stall with her, resting my head on my knees.

I long for Aiden’s arms to wrap around me. I shake my head at myself. His fake embrace means nothing. My throat tightens. I will not cry. He is not worth another tear. He never loved me. He’s a liar, a liar who promised he’d never leave me, never hurt me.

He did all that and more, and I will never be the same.

Phoenix shuffles closer. “I’m not going anywhere,” I tell her. “I’m so sorry. I haven’t been here for you—again—like I should. You and me, we’re destined to crawl through hell. But I won’t give up on you, Phoenix. Not now, not ever. This is your second chance, and I’m going to make sure I give it to you.”

She presses her muzzle into my neck. I wrap my arms around her head and hold her, tears pooling in my eyes. We stay like that for a minute before she pulls away and eats her hay. She eats a bowl of grain that I give her, then turns and slowly walks out of her stall, joining the other horses in the pasture.

All she needs is to know that someone is here for her and has faith in her. Not having someone to love you, someone to fight for you and tell you they believe in you, makes you feel like the struggle isn’t worth it. I lost my fighter, but she didn’t lose hers.

I go inside and sigh, looking at the bills I tossed on the counter. They aren’t going to go away, and ignoring them doesn’t make my payment any smaller. I grab one from Dr. Wells’ office and tear it open. My hands shake as I unfold it, scared to see the damage and knowing that I have nowhere near the funds to pay it off.

“What?” I say aloud when I scan the bill. “That can’t be right.” I blink and stare at the zeros. I check the date and make sure this is current. It has to be a mistake. There’s no way I owe
nothing
. Dr. Wells cuts me a break, but I at least have to pay cost for the supplies, and the last time I checked, I owed several thousand dollars.

But this…this is saying I owe nothing at all. It hits me, and my breath catches in my chest, my eyes blurring with tears. I bring my hand to my broken heart, pain ripping me open.

Aiden.

I sink down onto the kitchen floor and clutch the bill, holding it as if I’m somehow holding on to him. I miss him so much it hurts. A sob bubbles up from deep inside, and I crumple up the bill and throw it across the room. He left me. He walked away. He hurt me and broke my heart, even when he promised he wouldn’t.

Couldn’t he leave me alone? Give me a chance to pick up the broken pieces and move on before he shoves himself back into my life. Doing this hurt. Only giving me a piece of him, just enough to make me miss him, to make me long for him, is cruel.

I want to hate him. I want to scream his name in anger, cursing the day I met him. But I don’t. I can’t. What I want is him back here, his arms around me, telling me things are going to be okay and that he’s here.

I lean forward, crying so hard my body shakes. How could he do this to me? How could he make me fall headfirst and catch me, lifting me up and making me feel loved before throwing me off the cliff? I wish I could hate him.