Never Say Never (35 page)

I can never hate him. I’m still in love with him.

“Come on,” I call to Chrissy, looking for her black shape through the dark night. The full moon is hidden behind clouds. I just got done in the barn. The horses were brushed, fed, and happily munching on hay when I left them for the night. I don’t want to go inside and be alone. I stayed out as late as I could, trying to keep busy and not think about Aiden paying the vet bill for me.

Why? Why would he do something so kind? He doesn’t care, obviously. If he cared, he’d be here. Hell, if he were a fucking decent human being, he’d at least offer me a reason for why he just vanished.

I get into the house then remember my purse is still in the back seat of the Jeep. I grab it, feeling around inside for my phone. I need to call Lori back before she gets worried and drives all the way over here. I press the home button, and the screen lights up the dark garage. I have three missed calls and a voicemail; two are from Lori and one is from Aiden.

What?

No, that’s a mistake. He called me on accident and hung up after the first ring. That’s it. He has no reason to call me. I’m holding my breath, staring at the screen of my phone until it goes black. I blink and unlock it, my heart hammering. The voicemail is from him.

I swallow hard, my fingers shaking. I stare at the message. I’m scared to see what he has to say. Finally, I press play.

“Haley,” he says, and I know right away this wasn’t a wrong number. He meant to call me. “I don’t know what to say.” His words slur just a bit. I think he was drunk when he recorded this. “Other than I’m sorry. I’ve been a complete wanker and I’m so sorry. I wish I had an excuse, something good to tell you that will make you forgive me, that will make you love me again. But I don’t. You say you’re broken, but you’re not. I’m the one who’s fucked up, and you shouldn’t be with me. I left because you’re too good for me. I can’t keep promises and stay clean and be there for you. The darkness inside is taking over, and you’re too beautiful to be blackened by me. I love you, Haley. Please, call me back. I need you so fucking bad right now. Even if you hate me and never want to see me again, just call. I’m trying not to, but I can’t. I…I…” His voice is muffled, and I can’t tell what he’s saying. Tears roll down my cheeks. The emotion in his voice hurts me. “Please, Haley, call me.”

I listen to the message two more times. I don’t hesitate. I call him back. My heart hammers with each ring.
Answer, please answer.
I get his voicemail. I open my mouth to talk after the beep but give up and end the call. He’ll see I called back at least.

I put my head in my hands. What the hell am I supposed to do?

“Mom,” I say. “I’ve never felt so lost or alone. First, I lost you, and I wanted to die too. I let myself die inside, I really did and I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it until I met Aiden, and I loved him so much. He brought me back, made me happy and made me feel love. And now he’s gone too, asking for me back. Fool me twice, shame on me, I know.”

I close my eyes, tears freely falling down my face. “Please, Mom, I need you. Just give me a sign or something. I don’t know what to do.”

I let out a deep breath and go inside. I’m not going to get a sign. There is no one up there looking out for me. How could there be?

I go upstairs and get into the shower, sitting on the floor as hot water rushes down on me. I have no strength left, nothing inside me to keep going. I lie back, wanting to fall asleep and wake somewhere else, somewhere heartache doesn’t exist.

My phone rings.

I sit up, my eyes going wide. It’s on the counter, and I can reach it from here. I dry my hand on the towel hanging next to the shower and grab the phone. I don’t recognize the number, but I know the area code to be from California. I turn off the shower and answer.

“Haley?” A voice comes through before I can even say hello. “It’s Claire. Haley, I know what happened, and I don’t want to bother you, but…it’s Aiden. There’s been an accident.”

Chapter 26

The air leaves my lungs, and my wet skin prickles with cold. “Is he okay?” I ask.

“No,” Claire says. “He’s not, and the doctors don’t know—” She breaks down crying. “I’m sorry,” she says, sniffling.

I put my hand out, catching myself on the shower wall. I’m trembling as I slide down. “What happened?”

“His car hit a pole. I think he took something and drove. They have him in surgery. He’s not conscious, and they don’t know if he’s going to wake up.”

I don’t breathe. I don’t move. And I don’t want to live my life without Aiden. “Where is he?” I ask, finding the resolve inside myself to stand. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

She gives me directions and says she’ll get a flight booked. All I have to do is get myself to the airport. I thank her and hang up. I’m still standing in the shower, naked and shivering, too stunned to move. I was mad at Aiden, wanting to hate him. I knew the possibilities of us getting back together and working through our problems was small, but part of me believed it was going to happen. It won’t now, not if Aiden doesn’t make it.

I close my eyes, feeling like I’m going to throw up. My lip trembles, and I bite the inside of my cheek. I can’t cry. Not now. I pull back the shower curtain and get out, wrapping a towel around my wet body.

I have to get to Aiden. I have to tell him it’s okay, and I forgive him, and that I love him, the real him. And I will always love him, even if he’s gone. Tears roll down my cheeks. He can’t leave me. Not this way. Not forever. I need him, I love him, and even if his lips never touch mine again, he needs to be okay. He needs to know he saved me, that he put out the flames and kept the fire from swallowing me whole, burning me until there was nothing left but ash and dust.

I throw open a dresser drawer and pull out underwear and socks, letting the towel drop. Why couldn’t I have done the same for him? Why wasn’t I enough to save him too? Oh, god. He had called me hours before the accident.

A sob escapes me, and I pitch forward, catching myself on the bed. Is this my fault? If I had answered, if we had talked, would he be okay?

Chrissy presses her nose against me, and I get up, nodding. “Right,” I tell her. I have to get up, get dressed, drive to the airport. I put on yoga pants and a t-shirt. I throw clothes in a bag, not paying attention to what’s going in. I hurry into the bathroom and add my toothbrush, brush, and makeup case. That’s good enough. If I need anything else, I can buy it.

Water drips from my hair, soaking my shirt. I’m still shivering, but I don’t notice. My heart hurts and frustration rips it apart. I need to be with Aiden. Now. He needs me too.

I call Lori as I speed to the airport. She’s coming over in the morning to feed the horses and take care of Chrissy, then will be back at night. I forward her all the numbers to call to ask for help. She says she’ll handle it, and tells me to just go to Aiden. She’ll figure it out.

I’m too numb to worry about anything else. I thank her and hang up, tears blurring my vision. The miles stretch on forever, and the desperation builds the closer I get.
Hang on, Aiden. Just hang on. I’m coming. You’re going to be okay.
For the first time in months, I pray, asking God to have mercy on someone as damaged and conflicted as Aiden.

Claire calls me when I pull into the airport parking lot. I’ve never driven myself and don’t know where to go.

“Hello?” I say into the phone, my heart dropping, terrified of bad news.

“Haley,” she says, her voice tight. “You have a flight in two hours. It stops in Vegas but then comes here. It’s the best I could do this late. There aren’t a lot of flights out of Billings.”

“Thank you,” I say. “How is he?”

“I don’t know,” she tells me. “Still in surgery, I think. I haven’t heard anything else. But I will let you know if I do.”

“Thank you again.” I park and get out. Claire needs my email address so she can forward everything to me.

“Haley,” she says after she sends the email. “I don’t know the full story,” she starts. “And I didn’t ask. But I do know Aiden didn’t walk way because he doesn’t love you.”

My throat tightens and I close my eyes, slowing to a stop. If he still loves me, why did he leave? “I wish that were true,” I finally say.

“He loves you,” she says. “I’ve worked on and off for Aiden since his start; I know him well. He opened up to you, and I’ve never seen him do that before. He loves you, Haley. He still loves you, and whatever his reason was for walking away might not make sense to us, but it does to him. His mind…it doesn’t work like other people’s.”

I mop up the tears that fall and walk into the airport. “If you see him,” I say slowly. “Tell him I’m on my way.”

“I will.” She takes a few seconds to collect herself. “A car will pick you up from LAX and bring you to the hospital.”

“Okay.” I close my eyes and take in a breath. He’s going to be okay. He has to be. He promised me he would never leave me. He might have walked away, but he can come back. He
will
come back.

Six hours later, the plane takes off from Las Vegas. I stare out the window, so numb I’m calm. Claire texted me, telling me that Aiden was out of surgery and in recovery. The doctors “did all that they could do” and now the rest was up to Aiden to pull through or not.

He is lying in a hospital bed, alone, living out one of his worst fears. It kills me to think about him by himself, surrounded by doctors and nurses but ultimately alone. Claire is there at least, and though she’s his employee, she’s just as much a friend.

I close my eyes, a vision forming in my mind beyond my control. It’s of Aiden, lying bandaged and bruised in a hospital bed. A band of gauze wraps around his head like in the movies. I take his hand and sit with him throughout the night. Then he wakes up and it’s a miracle. His first words are “Haley, I love you.” We kiss and live happily ever after.

But that’s not life.

Life doesn’t hand out happily ever afters. You have to work for them, claw your way through the darkness, through all the trials and tribulations, and find your own happiness. Then you hold on to it like it’s life itself, and in a sense it is. It’s someone else’s life, but it’s a part of you, living, breathing, beating in sync with your heart.

Aiden is my happily ever after. He is my second chance. And I want to be his.

“Do you want my sweater?” the old woman next to me asks.

Goosebumps cover my arms, and I don’t realize I’m cold until she says something. “No thanks. I’m fine.”

She extends a pink and yellow knit sweater. “Please, honey. I brought extra.”

I just nod and she drapes it over me. “Thanks,” I say softly.

“Who in L.A. are you going to see?” she asks.

“A friend,” I say, closing my eyes in a long blink.

“I hope things turn out all right for them.”

“Me too.”

“I’m going to see my great-grandson. He was born a few hours ago.”