New Homeport Island (46 page)

he asked, “Then what’s this shit about a king?” I replied, “We
 were separate when you stole the boat and left two years ago.
Hudlow had to fix things down there, we’re just deferent people.
But, over here it’s a republic.” Atrisia asked in disbelief, “What
 the fuck does that mean?” Athena interjected, “It means you’re
 going to stand trial for theft of our only means of rescue…”
Michelle interjected, “That’s right you fucking bitch.” Smity
 smirked and he said, “I guess things haven’t changed.” and
 looked around at his remaining crew smugly. The Jane Spayner
 stepped forward and said, “Things have changed a lot, and what
 you believed was happing over there was bullshit.” Smity was
 taken back; there were commissioned officers on the ‘other side
 of the island’ now. Milson stood as though he were at attention.
I looked over at Jane and said, “Jane, because of your
 previous position will you please utter the word, ‘Report’?” She
 looked away from me and at Eric Milson and said, “I order you
 to report.”
As there story unfolded, I looked back to Tim and said,
“Tim, sounds like there may be new seed on the boat.” Tim
 jumped and ran to the boat saying, “I’m on it” as he went.
Tommi and Joseph were listening and Tommi was on
 josephs lap as Milson gave a sequential explanation as to what
 happened. Smity got a smug ‘I got you’ smile on his face and
 asked, “Should they be sitting like that?” I replied sharply,
“They don’t owe you any presentation, they’ll sit as they like
 and you will avoid offending your hosts.” Smity’s smile fled
 from his face, that behavior was something he had since
 childhood but never questioned; now he realized he thought he
 had gained the upper hand on a breach of etiquette, but he had
 no entitlements this was not his culture or his land.

  Milson and Spayner sat with the senate explaining all the
 islands. Tim returned and said gleefully, “Hey Rob, we got all
 kind of seeds no some I don’t even recognize, they were just
 eating and shitting all over in there!” Time continued with a
 more concerned tone, “But, we gotta’ clean up that boat man, I
 mean they were shitting all over the place in there. And maybe
 another sail or two” he paused and continued again in good
 cheer, “but, the thing worked!” Kim walked up and said, “I’ll
 clean the boat.” Tim responded, “Ya, but you got to find the
 seeds man.”
Hudlow spoke with his royal council he said, “There
 punishment should either be death or something kingly, like
 some riddle they have to figure out and preform.” Tinnel asked,
“Like the golden fleece?” Hudlow replied with a blank look,
“Ya, why not.”
Jane was taking the depositions of the accused, and they
 seemed reluctant about their stories. A nearby island chain, all
 uninhabited she found hard to believe. She had still believed in
 the captain in station and in principle until he had left. But
 personally and in his social relations she found him to be a
‘bitch’. When he claimed rescue could only be thrown off by
 some sort of military engagement she had believed him, and
 once again she suspected that might be the case. Could he have
 returned to find an apocalyptic hellscape only to return and
 conceal it? Hiding himself and his crew from a war or a failed
 war?
‘So how did you survive?’ was a reoccurring question for
 her. Knowing their answers hadn’t satisfied her, their answers
 changed. It was the way the Woodenpeg held together, it was
 the islands they found, it was Captain Artimus, it was God.

Eric finally answered in a narrative. Eric said, “It was the
 third island we had found. We saw movement in the brush and
 we thought we had found people. Wildly rushed in and so many
 bushes moved we were startled. It was like the plants were alive
 or something…well, of course they were alive I mean like man
 eaters. All down the island the plants curled and swayed like a
 wave; it wasn’t the wind. We stepped off the boat, your
Woodenpeg…sorry, and we just heard so much movement
 someone had to be there. But it was just the plants. Atrisia
 followed Wildly in and as soon as she stepped through the brush
 dust flew up from everywhere and the plants swayed again.
Atrisia was wrapped in thorns and just yelled out ‘aww
 fuck’…so, I went over there. She only had on a bikini she made
 out of the sail that tore, not your guy’s fault…but it tore, and
 she’s wrapped in these thorny branches. So I was like, ‘Hey, you
 stupid bitch…why’d you jump into the bushes?’ you know? And
 she was like, ‘I fell’ and I was like, ‘You’re a dizzy bitch’…so
 you know, I got her out of the thorns and we were like both you
 know, ‘Where’s cabin boy’ because that’s what we call him.
And the Captain was like, ‘Nothin’ better be messin’ with my
 bitch!’ cause you know their totally together now, but anyways
 he runs in there and there’s a big as boar in their like ready to
 gnaw you know?”
Jane replied, “Okay, so…let’s just hit the points, like just
 the facts…shit, you’ve got me doing it. Avoid the word ‘Like’
 alright?”
Eric continued, “Okay. So the Captain froze for a second,
 we thought. Turned out he was keeping that big ass thing from
 attacking because it like, sorry, because it didn’t know what to
 think. But the senior chief Johann rushes in there and is …
 throwing rocks at and that just brought more of them out. Damn

thing didn’t even flinch. So the Captain just says Johann, ‘you
 stupid fucking thing’ and Johann just walks backward and
 nearly knocked the captain down. Wildly’s like been tackled by
 this monster boar and every once in a while it runs in circles
 while on top of him and it’s just kickin’ his ass, right? So, Dave
 forgets about all these other bitches and he’s just totally after his
 bitch…you know? Not like Wildly’s his bitch, but like the boars
 gonna’ be his bitch…but Wildly is totally his bitch, but
 anyways. So, the captain totally bounces one of these rocks off
 the boars head and it just stands there, the rock on the other hand
 the captain catches and does that shit again, and again. The
 fucking boar is just sittin’ there and it’s like those other boar are
 just stunned you know? It’s like damn dad’s hard headed or
 some shit you know?”
Jane started feeling a little dizzy about the story and
 couldn’t believe the chuckles coming out of Eric as he told it, he
 was doing such a good job repressing his laughter but the story
 while apparently true definitely had some humor. Her mouth
 hung open and her head cocked to the side as she nodded in
 astonishment and Eric tried not to laugh at her reaction.
Eric broke with a moment of laughter and instantly regain
 his composure have remember these people might kill him for
 having stolen the boat. And under that pressure his eyes began to
 water and he choked a little as he continued the story with a cry
 piercing through his anxious excitement.
Eric continued his narrative, “So anyways, the captains
 bitch is getting’ his ass rolled. The boar is like big daddy…I’m
 totally like ‘Oh Fuck’ Smity is laughing his ass off, the captains
 still playing handball on this boars head and, and, and…then the
 real shit starts…”  Eric started to faint and blacked out.

Mike added, “It smelled like a Turkish bath house and the
 soil was real loose, later I found out that was just, all shit. So,
 like he was saying Wildly get spun around and the captain not so
 much trying to knock the boar out as piss him off to get him to
 chase him. So Smity sees this and runs in there…” Smity
 interjected, “ya, I was just going to grab the bull by the horns…”
Mike continued, “…but there’s a hell of a difference between
 horns and tusks. So, that fuckin’ monster boar rears up and head
 butts Smity, knockin’ his ass to the ground and he’s just seein’
 stars and he’s just cryin’” Atrisia added, “Fuck ya” Mike
 continued so the boar starts spinning wildly around again. First
 the captain asked, ‘who sent dumb ass in there?’ then starts
 yelling hootey noises at this boar. And the other boar, like Eric
 tells it, ‘ain’t havin’ it’ and they charge and trample the shit out
 of Smity.”
Eric starting coming back to consciousness and hearing the
 story starts laughing, “ya, ya…haha, ya…and then, and then…”
 and Eric blacked out again.
Atrisia picked up the story and said, “So these wild boar are
 kicking our asses, and we just got there. So, I start yelling ‘sue-
 we’, then the captain starts yelling it.” Then Eric and Atrisia said
 simultaneously, “Then they charge the captain.” Atrisia
 continued, “All of them.” Eric, in and out of consciousness said
 breathlessly, “And we’re right behind him.” Mike continued,
“He, no shit, was jumping from one of their backs to the next,
 running on top of them…unfucking believable.”
They paused as Eric sat up and he drank some water
Michelle had given him. Eric said in a near whisper, “They
 broke through the brush behind us and swarmed in circles, now
 coming from behind us, like a stampede. Dave pulled us all over

to him like a protective dad, except for George. George yelled,
‘Fuck you’ just enraged, then climbed a tree.”
Mike continued, “So there running around us and there’s
 like sixty of the damn things, you can’t even see the ground, and
 it’s just ‘thump, thump, thump’, we could hardly here each
 other. So the Captain throws a rock and hits one of them right in
 the balls. That was the first squeal we heard from any of them.”
Atrisia interjected, “There were grunts though.” And Eric said,
“The one that squealed bumped into the one next to it and they
 all tripped over each other then they broke and went back into
 the brush.”  
Jane asked, “So, it was like that then?” and Eric replied,
“That’s the best example of how we survived, ya.” Atrisia added
 with a sly grin leaning in toward Jane, “Well, there wasn’t any
 sex if that’s what you mean.” Jane knew exactly what she meant
 and replied, “You’ll be happier with the king.” Atrisia replied,
“But Tommi’s over here” Jane replied, “Tommi’s not a lesbo”
Atrisia slammed her fist down and said, “Damn it!”
The Woodenpeg was being cleaned out by Kim Luds and
Tim brock. I looked around at all we had done and realized
 leaving would be a shock, but they had been circling an island
 chain for two years. As the thought of never being able to leave
 entered my head I glanced at Athena, and then recalled what I
 saw in Jane, her renewed fear that maybe there was some sort of
 holocaust, and then I looked over at Michelle. She had seen
 what I was looking at and said, “Her, not me.” then turned and
 walked away.
Over the years we had all gotten to know each other very
 well, we were just transparent to each other; it wasn’t hard to
 figure out what was on someone’s mind. Our old story for two
 separate groups on the island was in the event of a contagious

disease; one group waits for the other to get through the
 contagious period, and then renders aid. It seemed the new story
 was we are just different sorts of people, and we do what we do
 to get along.  
King Hudlow had Artimus seated across from him at the
 table created for the trial which had become known as ‘The
Alter of Ages’. Hudlow said, “Captain…no, Artimus…wait no,
 thief, you stole their boat and they are our only chance of
 rescue.” Artimus interjected, “I was and still am our best hope of
 rescue.” Hudlow slammed his palm down on the alter and
 yelled, “Two years Captain! Thief!” Artimus hoped to be taken
 for modest when he said, “Well, we got side tracked” Hudlow
 rubbed his chin in a practiced way trying to approximate his
 mental image of King Solomon and said, “Do tell.”
Artimus looked around and at the shear absurdity of it he
 knew it was genuine. GSM1 Hudlow had become the king.
Artimus said, “Okay, but first are you the king of just the
 beach…just here” Hudlow replied as he pointed down, then at
 himself then at the other town, “Lower island, King, and over
 there is the island republic. The wall they built because of you is
 still up; I call it ‘Dave’.”  
Artimus said, “Okay, there was a storm, Smity’s pussy
 hurt, lots of water, more rain, lost, more islands, back here…ya,
 two years.” Hudlow responded, “Tell me about the water.”
Artimus replied, “Blue, wet, deep, cold” King Hudlow smirked
 then smiled and said as he leaned in as to share a secret, “Ya,
 damn cold” and laughed like they had shared a joke. Artimus
 was thrown off a bit and laughed too, then asked, “Am I a
 prisoner over here.” Hudlow again leaned in and then glanced
 around as if to make sure no one was listening and said in an

elevated volume, “Let me put it this way…Your damn right you
 are!”
His Majesty was at his highest form, Artimus once depicted
 in a shadow puppet play as a four headed snake with a tiny
 human penis, was in defeat and acceptance simultaneously and
 awaited the consequence of that type of surrender when he said,
“I brought the boat back.”
Hudlow replied, “You stole that from them, you stole
 something more complicated from us…hope.” Hudlow looked
 around to ensure everyone was listening and again raised his
 voice as he said, “I mean they have a god damn hot air balloon!
They fly! I shit on a stone toilet…and flushing that damn thing
 takes twenty people!”
The practical matters cut through to Artimus, in his view
 you can argue philosophy all day long and at the end of the day
 win or lose nothing changes, but change a man’s brand of coffee
 and change the world.
Artimus said, “Well maybe there’s something I can offer
 you.” Hudlow interjected, “Your left nut?” The look in
Hudlow’s eyes made Artimus terrified as he realized he was
 sincere. Artimus looked for Wildly in the crowd and had a flash
 through his mind of the two of them running back to the boat
 and setting to sea escaping a horrible fate and then asked, “Why
 didn’t someone build another one?” Hudlow was taken back
 with visible astonishment in his eyes and Artimus began to smile
 believing briefly that they just hadn’t thought of that until King
Hudlow uttered the surprising reply of, “Fuck you.”
Hudlow pointed behind him with his thumb and yelled in
 outrage at Artimus, “They wear dresses over there!” Artimus
 looked around and Hudlow added, “They look like miniskirts!”
Artimus pointed with an inquisitive look at Becky Clarkson and