New Title 3 (10 page)

Connor was staring at me. When I lifted my brows, he walked over.

“
You know you’re our leader, right? They’ve all decided. We had a sort of vote while you and Sonny were gone. I for one couldn’t sway them to vote Jake in but it was close.” He smiled and took the pipe from me. “Why don’t you say a few words for the troops? This is your party, Joel, your show.”

I guess it meant more to me hearing it from Connor. I wasn’t the leader of this group solely because my house was our sanctuary now. I was the leader through a secret vote. I stood up.

“
Can I have everybody’s attention for a second?” I spoke slowly, distant.ly This weed was very different from what I was used to.

They assembled around me. My head started to buzz and a huge smile tattooed itself to my face. My eyes closed slowly. I began to scratch my face and hair vigourously. The smile remained but transformed into a grotesque satire of itself. My scratching became more violently uninhibited, extending to my legs. I was completely unaware of what was happening around me now, interested only in the elusive itch. Not another word escaped my mouth for what I perceived to be five minutes. Then I sighed. “How long have I been scratching that itch?”

The laughter seemed to explode in my head. It was beautiful. I was the man. The Sweet Bitch did her job, now it was up to us to keep it unreal.

The reasoning behind getting high tonight couldn’t be disputed; it seemed almost ridiculous that we ever did it before. Before the Armageddon I saw drugs as an escape, but what were we trying to escape from?

A few hours into the evening, Gil became paranoid and had to have his gun taken away as a precaution. Nothing would bring the house down like an accidental shooting, so John suggested that we all relinquish possession of our firearms.

“
Alright,” I agreed. “John has a point! Guns are checked at the door when we come in here for recreation. This area is now deemed our R & R room.” I finished by knocking my empty beer bottle on the window ledge- very Judge Joel of me.

“
But Joel,” Earl complained, “this is our best spot in the house for standing guard, what good is it...”

I cut him off.

“
Earl, it’s only when we’re having fun, if someone is on duty in here they’ll keep their gun. The others will leave theirs at the door.” I scratched my face, feeling the itch return. Earl noticed and began to laugh and scratch at his chest. We all joined in. The laughter felt good and warmed us, unreal, but real enough.

The remainder of the night had its ups and downs. After all, this was only the second day of the new world, and these people still had to get over their losses. Eventually the addition, or ‘Skylab’ as we’d renamed it in our stupor, began to empty as people staggered off to bed. Our mystery pot had certainly come through in a pinch, I thought as I rolled the last joint of the night and sat against the east wall with Sara, Kevin, Jake and Sonny, the diehards.

“
Before we lose our buzz,” I said, holding it up in front of everyone, “here’s to... our futures...” I lit the joint and passed it around. Sara was nodding off on my shoulder; I felt sleep encroaching also. Where was Tom?

M
y head grew heavy and I felt alone and disoriented. I realized suddenly how hungry I was and hightailed it out of Skylab.

As I made my way through the house, a mental haze messed with my locomotion as well as my equilibrium. I found it increasingly difficult to maneuver. Suddenly I lost my footing, tumbled down the staircase, and landed in the front hall on my back.

Lying there, still as a corpse, I mentally scanned myself for shooting pains or some other sign of injury. Nothing. Slowly, carefully, I got up.

“
Joel! Are you alright? Did you just fall down the stairs?” Sara had heard me from Skylab. I gave her the thumbs-up as she bent over the railing.

“
Just took the express route down, Babe.” I caressed my ass.

“
I’ll do that for you,” she grinned saucily. “Come up to bed.” She sauntered into my room and closed the door.

I double-timed it back up the stairs, forgetting food in a flash. Entering my room, I found the girl of my dreams lying in my bed, naked under the covers. She was as high as a kite. The pain had left her, if only for tonight. If only for tonight we were who we were, the kids we really were. That made me smile, to know the world outside was nonexistent to her right now, that it was just me and her in my room during any given evening in the first few days of an endless summer. I walked silently to the bed, undressing along the way. Taking her face in my hands, I kissed her intensely. That night would not be the last of its kind by any means, but I can say that it was one of the most powerful memories I have of her, of us...

After an hour or more of almost animalistic passion, we lay there, slowly falling out of our fantasy and returning to the reality of where we were, of when we were. Sara spoke softly into my chest.

“
I miss them Joel... you know? I can’t believe…“ She didn’t make it much further. I hugged her tightly, trying to control the contractions of her body as she cried against me. “I miss them so much...”

“
I know,” I said. “I know.”

She held me close and said what I’d known for some time, or had hoped I’d known. One thing was sure though, it felt good to hear it.

“
I love you, Joel. I really love you.” Our eyes met and I broke down.

We embraced until sleep overcame us.

*****

I must have woken up five times that night. My sheets were all over the floor with the exception of the comforter Sara had managed to hold onto. Shit, was it hot. My sweating never seemed to let up, and each time I’d wake it felt like a new river had opened on my forehead. Trying not to rouse Sara, I sat up. Another nightmare troubled me, a new one. God, in how many different ways was my unconscious going to tell me I was ‘not in Kansas anymore?’

This time the images defied interpretation. I couldn’t seem to pull a meaning from what I remembered. The problem being I just couldn’t remember enough to put anything together.

My temples throbbed. I eased them with my fingers, and then rubbed my eyes hard, producing flashes of white light. They in turn sparked a memory of the events leading up to my waking state. Despite the sweltering temperature in the room, I shivered.

Sara watched me. “Someone walked over your grave?” she asked, half asleep.

“
What?” I asked. “What’d you say?”

“
You shivered. It’s an old saying: when you shiver, it means that somebody just walked over your grave.”

“
How could anyone have walked on my grave if I’m not dead?”

She had gone back to sleep, so my answer would have to wait until morning. My watch read 6:30 a.m. I glanced out the window, hoping to see the sunlight slowly brightening the sky. A knee-jerk reaction I guess, one I wouldn’t give up on too quickly.

******

Earl knocked at our door minutes later. “Joel, you up yet? Your watch.”

“
Alright,” I replied, coughing up smoke from the night before. “I forgot, be out in a sec.” I maneuvered around Sara, careful not to wake her. Then I kissed her forehead and got dressed.

Earl was making his rounds when I reached the addition, checking all of the windows and doors.

“
Sleep in, Joel?” Caroline asked, gun at her feet as she sat in a patio chair facing the north windows.

“
Guilty as charged,” I replied. “I’m exhausted: I must have woken up a hundred times last night.”

I grabbed a chair and sat down at the east wall while Jake covered the west. I pulled the pistol from its holster and popped the clip out, double-checked that it was full, and forced the barrel back to be sure there wasn’t a bullet in the chamber. “Anybody see anything this morning?”

“
I ain’t seen much,” answered Jake. “So much rain, I can’t
see
through it.”

“
I think the rain will keep people inside,” added Caroline. “Earl went out for a minute to get something out of his truck and-” She stopped as Earl entered the room.

“
The rubber on the wheels is starting to disintegrate – not good!” he reported. “It’s brutal, man. At this rate we won’t have a vehicle that’ll move from the driveway, and what’s worse is we can’t do anything to stop it.”

I put the gun back into its holster and set it on my lap. “Can we fit them all into the garage?”

“
Yeah, I was thinking that. I’ll get the boys and start the move before any more damage is done.” He threw me a half-assed salute and walked off.

“
Joel, hey Joel...” It was Jake. “You got some more of that pot?”

“
I’m not giving you any, Jake.” There, I said it. He wasn’t getting any weed unless there was a party going on and the majority of us was partaking, never mind while on duty. His gun hand began to shake, and the sweat teetering on his eyebrows broke through, burning his eyes. I felt sorry for the poor bastard, but was not going to make him worse.

“
But Joel, I-I’m dying here, man. I really need something to settle my nerves. I-I smoked and ate all my stash... “

“
Good, because I don’t want to have to worry about you being high and not doing your part.” It was tough love. I knew he understood the concept on some level, a level he’d forgotten. His gun hand shook more violently. I approached him. “Jake, we couldn’t do much for you in the past, but maybe now is the time.” I knelt in front of him. His head dropped against his chest. “What do you say, Jake? You want to get clean?” I took his gun and put my hand on his.

“
It’s too hard,” he whimpered. “I’m not worth it.... it’s too hard.” He raised his hands to his face and started to cry.

“
You are worth it, Jake. Don’t say that shit, man. You just lost control. You lost your way and I know we can get you back on track. I know it.”

His eyes met mine and I saw the Jake I grew up with, the best friend who gave me his lunch when I had forgotten mine in sixth grade. This wasn’t some burnout, this was Jake. This was my buddy Jake, who was a kind and giving soul before an awful accident took all that he was away from him. His dad had always been weird: he’d never been able to talk to him like I could with mine, leaving his mother as the only parent he could relate to. His mom was killed along with my dad in the untimely car crash that sent us both into therapy. It did a wealth of good for me, but Jake couldn’t get past the pain.

“
No! God damn it! I don’t want to, I don’t care anymore... I don’t care.” Now he was pulling his hair and sobbing. I held him close.

“
Caroline, go get Connor, get him up here. I don’t know what else to do,” I begged. She wiped her eyes and hurried out of Skylab.

When Connor arrived, he sized up the situation right away, and produced a joint he’d never lit up the night before. I nodded, and he handed it to me.

“
Jake, here- I’ve got something that’ll take the edge off. But know that this is not going to happen again.” I gave it to him, hoping he’d decline the offer, but he snatched it eagerly. “Never again man. If you smoke it’s because we’re all smoking, never again by yourself.”

Through the frantic puffing, he thanked us. “My last one,” he said, exhaling. “This’ll take me...”

“
He wants to clean up,” I told Connor.

“
Clean up? No more drugs? Yeah, right!” He almost laughed out loud. That angered me and he felt it. “Sorry, but you’re talking about...”

I butted in. “Yeah, I know who I’m talking about. He’s a mess and wants to change all of that.”

While we discussed him, Jake consumed the whole joint in under a minute. He leaned back in his chair, and that blank look took control of his face once more.

“
Hey, that’s commendable, Joel. Don’t get me wrong, I remember Jake too when he was like us. He’d be a great addition to the group if he was clean. The thing is, this isn’t going to be easy what with the end of the world to work through and all.”

“
I know it, but he’s reaching out. I feel like we should have done more for him before it got so bad. I should have done more...”

Connor interrupted me gently. “Don’t go there again, Joel. We went through that two years ago.” He laid a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

“
I’m not. I- I just think he wants help now.”

Caroline spoke up. “Joel, I think Connor’s right. Don’t put it all on your head. Jake hasn’t said once that he wants to quit. You told him he wants to and it’s my experience you can’t force someone to do something they aren’t prepared to do.”

My back went up when she said that, but in reflecting on the conversation, I had to admit that my dialogue with Jake had been basically one-sided. “Listen, I just think it’s worth a chance. He’s not this waste case we see here, there’s more to this guy. You never really knew him when he was a regular guy, Caroline. He wasn’t like this.”

Jake remained in his chair, slouched over in a stoned paradise. Hell, I’d have liked to join him but then that was the difference between us: I knew when I should and when I shouldn’t. Jake had lost that particular ability long ago.

“
I’ll stay and do his shift,” offered Connor. “You have his gun?”

I handed Connor the rifle and reclaimed my seat.

An hour later, Kevin came through the door with a determined look on his face. Everyone noticed. He marched to his paintings and grabbed a large pad of paper. Sitting on the floor, he began to draw tenaciously. I hadn’t seen him inspired like this since before the weekend. It made me feel good, like a piece of the past just barged in and reminded us who we were. I turned to Caroline to see her reaction. She was smiling and studying Connor’s face, as he was the only one close enough to see what Kevin was drawing. But suddenly Connor’s face changed radically from that of an amused spectator to someone scared.