New Title 3 (13 page)

Seeing my puzzled expression, he explained. “It’s his suicide letter, you know? It’s self righteous garbage, justification, a conversation with himself.” He twisted the top off his piss-warm beer, slammed the bottle to his lips and swallowed as much as he could before he was forced to take a breath. “Talking himself into the position I found him in: hanging from the ceiling!”

“
Seth, I don’t know what it was that Gil could have been thinking in order to have done what he did, and if it says why in here, I’m not going to read it. You have to believe that there wasn’t shit we could have done to prevent it, not in these conditions.” I closed the journal. “We need to remember how Gil lived, not the way he died.” With that said, I returned the book to him and walked away.

*****

The following day witnessed the first of the outdoor expeditions. We’d been fighting the mental strain of the day-to-day lockdown, fading under a black sky that concealed a forgotten sun. This was our chance to get outside and beat back the malaise. That’s what killed Gil after all, and I didn’t need to read his goddamn suicide note to put it together. Stuff he thought and the things he’d seen were shared experiences amongst the group. What he did about it though, was another story.

The first crew consisted of Earl, Connor, and Sidney. We decided to send them east, to the farm where Sonny and I had found the massive drug warehouse. Their mission: to survey the surrounding area, bring back what remained of the drug stash, and report on the farm’s condition. We’d realized that the hydroponics would be perfect for growing food. The idea came to me when I was rearranging the cold room and found seed packets that never made it to the hardware store: carrots, lettuce, celery, a veritable vegetable garden!

Sonny was the navigator, naturally, Connor was at the wheel and Earl sat in the back of the five-wheeler, gun poised, always prepared, a real Boy Scout. It felt as though we were sending them to the moon or further. They were dressed in layers, each holding an umbrella to protect them from the driving rain. I wished I could go with them, but there was too much to be done here. John had the flu so I was taking over his guard shift in Skylab.

The hours that followed proved as uneventful as the many hundred hours we’d clocked in the addition. But when John announced their return, we sprang to life, rushing to meet them at the door.

Success! It took them all of two hours to return with garbage bags of the choice weed and more good news. The barn was holding its own. The interior hadn’t yet been breached, keeping the operation useable for a new kind of plant.

“
The hydroponics looked good.” Sonny set his garbage bag on the hall floor. “We’ll need some fuel though. Their generator is dry.”

“
I checked it out,” Earl pitched in. “It should work fine. Pretty sweet in there. The whole set-up is amazing.”

“
Eden,” grinned Sonny. I smiled too, remembering that he’d said the same thing when we first saw the strange interior.

“
Wow!” Connor exclaimed as he pushed the filthy hood off his head. “I haven’t ever seen anything like it!”

Once they were all inside, Sara secured the door. “How is it out there?” she asked. “How’s the rain?”

Earl answered. “Not too shabby. I swear it’s starting to really taper off. It still stinks out there though.”

The remainder of the afternoon was spent doing a food count and preparing the seeds to take back to the barn the next day. But that night, in the kitchen, Connor came to me with a growing concern for his girlfriend’s state of mind. Apparently she’d been dwelling on Gil’s suicide, wondering if he hadn’t had the right idea. This shocked Connor, knowing how out of character that comment was for Julia.

“
She just said it so matter-of-factly, like it had been on her mind since before Gil did it. Like she’d considered it herself.”

I tried to reassure him. “She’s just sorting herself out. You mean to tell me you haven’t thought about it? I’ll tell you something, man, the thought crossed my mind. I’ll bet it’s crossed everyone’s at one time.” My mouth was dry, so I poured a glass of water from the tap. I took a sip- and promptly spit it into the sink. “Shit, I think there’s something wrong with the well water!”

“
Damn!” Connor groaned. “All that rain sinking into the soil had to affect the quality of the water sometime.” He turned on the tap and poured a glass. We studied it and noticed a slight tint.

“
Looks like city water,” I said.

“
Probably not much worse for you either.” John joined us. “Let me have a taste.”

Connor gave John the glass, and he took a sip. “Nope, no worse. That’s pretty much what it was like last time I lived there. We’re just used to better here in the country.”

“
You’re sure, John?” I asked.

“
Hey, if it gets any uglier than that we should worry, but for now I’m telling you it’ll do more good than harm in this environment. We’ll get some of those filters we can fit to the faucet. Saw some in the cold room.” He opened the fridge and threw some cold meat into his mouth, followed by a soft drink. “I’ll go check and set it up.” He took his leave.

The perishables, like cold meat were nearing the end of their course, and soon we’d be left with canned goods and freeze-dried noodles. Until we got the hydroponics garden going, that is.

With John out of earshot, Connor continued where he had left off. “So you don’t think I should worry about Julia’s...”

“
I don’t know what to tell you, Connor,” I said. “Gil talked some pretty disturbing shit before he did it.”

“
Then I’ll talk to her. Maybe she just needs to talk about it some more.”

“
I’m sorry, man, I don’t mean to switch off on you. I just don’t see where I can help. I wasn’t any help to Gil. But yeah, talk to her. It can’t hurt. I’m going to bed- see you tomorrow.”

“
Sure, man. Thanks.”

Reaching my bedroom, I slowly opened the door so as not to wake Sara, who’d finished a shift in Skylab not long before. Collapsing on the couch, I looked at Rex, who was backlit by the alarm clock on my desk. I got comfortable and leaned into him.

“
What do you say, Rex?” I whispered. “Gil’s dead, did I tell you that already? He killed himself, hung himself. Now Julia’s considering it. Connor’s worried. Me, I just don’t want to deal with it again. If Julia does do something stupid I don’t know how I’ll react. I scare myself. If I say the wrong thing or don’t say anything at all, which is worse? Which is going to push someone over the edge? Probably better I say something, anything at all, but I said things to Gil and that didn’t help. Man, what do I know?”

Snapping out of the conversation with myself, I directed the same question at Rex. “What do you know?” I smiled. Feeling better, as I usually did when I confronted myself, I went to bed.

That night the skunk came to me in a dream, although I fell asleep with a clear head. This was the first time that he appeared to me while I wasn’t drunk or high. But I was vulnerable in sleep, and that was apparently enough to spark another visit. He came soon after I’d drifted off. I was in the midst of a nightmare of sorts; I remember feeling very exposed, defenseless. I don’t remember where or why, but my friends were with me. The moon was in the sky, making me pine for the days when I could sit and stare at the moon and the stars for hours. That moment dissolved into a scene set in a forest, at the lake where we’d spent our last normal weekend. I could only imagine how it looked now. When the skunk appeared and sauntered over to me on his hind legs, I greeted him with pleasure, sure now that he was my guide.

He turned and waved for me to follow. As we walked deeper into the woods he spoke. “You have more to do here. Live for them. Things will change, things will get better.” Then he left me.

I ran after him. “Stop! Stop, damn it! I have a question! I need to ask you...”

The image of the woods intensified. I could smell the pine, feel the needles against my face as I pushed through the dense brush. Suddenly the air turned damp and cool, and the forest floor morphed into a thick sticky muck that stopped me in my tracks. “Damn it!” I fumed.

My shouting woke me up. That wasn’t so unusual, as I’d roused myself before by talking during dreams. What stunned me was that I woke up
outside
, in the woods behind my house. I didn’t know where I was at first. I shook my head and made damn sure I was awake. Satisfied that the dream was over and I was definitely outside, I pulled my bare feet out of a patch of deep sludge and began the short walk up the trail back to the house.

I had chased the skunk in my dream, and ended up out here. Why did that happen? He’d said that things would change, things would get better. What did he mean? The answer, I realized as I came out of the woods, was all around me. Actually, it was no longer all around me! The rains had stopped!

I charged toward the house, forgetting that I was visible from Skylab and that if the guard on duty was paying any attention at all, I might be shot. The back sliding door was locked, so I hurried around the north side to the front where, I assumed, I’d made my escape. Sure enough, the front doors were unlocked. On entering the foyer, I slipped on the tile. Regaining my balance, I shuffled through the house, shouting triumphantly.

The group assembled at the front door. When I was sure that the whole house was present, I simply opened the front door and walked out, arms raised and grinning from ear to ear.

Their reaction was priceless. They walked tentatively out of the house, hands extended, feeling for rain. The beautiful reality struck everyone at the same moment. We danced in the front yard like a bunch of lunatics, some of us screaming at the top of our lungs, while others were too spellbound to even speak. Needless to say, no one made it back to bed until the early hours of the morning. Our situation was improving, maybe in response to our bold move in venturing outdoors despite the weather. Take a little and get a little. Now there was hope, hope for something better. Perhaps now, with the burning rain gone, the rivers and soil would find a way to regenerate.

The skunk had led me to salvation when we needed it most. I no longer doubted that he was in fact the spirit of Connor’s angel, our angel. I felt awful for Gil, who did not live to savour it.

*****

The sky was still ominous, a perpetual midnight, but without the rain, it was easier to bear. I kept checking the phone lines. After all, ‘what if’, right? But communication with the outside world, such as it was, remained dead.

Mapping and marking of the terrain had been completed and now we only needed to fence off our property. One afternoon Freddy and I stood on the porch, looking at our charts and discussing it. Caroline looked on from the steps, where she had been sitting just for the sake of being outside.

“
What will we use as fencing for a job that size?” she asked.

Freddy offered several possibilities. “We have access to good sources of organic fencing like large driftwood pieces and dead trees. We also found some rolls of snow fencing and barbed wire at the barn. Oh, speaking of the barn, Joel: how’s the garden growing?”

“
Connor’s got garden duty.” Gesturing toward the sky, I added, “Now we wait for the sun.”

Caroline sighed and adjusted her bra, the only top she’d wear in this heat. “The day I have to wear my sunglasses; that’ll be the day. Have you given any thought about going north now that we can travel again?”

“
Perhaps in a few weeks we’ll send a scout party to find out what’s happening there, but for now, right here is where we need to be. Shit’s getting better, and I think it’s worth holding on to for as long as we can.”

She stretched and got up. “Yeah, this is home. I’m going inside- see you in a bit.”

Freddy looked intrigued. “You really think the sun’ll come out?”

“
Who are you, Little Orphan Annie?” He laughed. “What do I know? A little skunk told me.” I headed toward the garage, leaving Freddy with more questions then answers.

Sonny was unwrapping the Cadillac. “Pretty sweet huh?” I offered as I joined him and ran my hand along its smooth metal surface. “My dad was the last to drive her. Sweet ride, though. I rode shotgun the last time.”

“
Are we putting her back on the street?”

“
Eventually- we need to hit town soon. Connor was there with Kevin early yesterday. They said there were still grocery stores full of food.”

“
Cool, sign me up for the next tour of duty.” He rolled the tarp back over the car.

“
Count on it, big man!” I slapped his shoulder, then noticed movement under the car. Just as I was about to say something, I realized what it was: the skunk, my skunk. Sonny left the garage. Kneeling down, I whispered, “Listen, had I known you were in here, I would have brought you a little something to eat. I’ll leave you some food tonight.”

“
Talking to yourself again?” Connor was back from the barn. “I thought we’d covered that?”

“
Jesus, man! Stop sneaking up on me!” I punched him in the arm as he faked a block. “I was just talking to the car.” I slapped away his weak attempt at retribution and grinned. “Cars are people too.”

“
Your dad would appreciate that.” It was true: he would. “I’ve got some good news for us. The first few plants are showing growth.”

“
What! That’s great, man!” Giddy with success, we continued to play-fight until Connor had me in a headlock. Then we went inside, where we found the girls playing cards at the kitchen table with Sidney.