Night Fires (10 page)

My mouth dried and I nodded. “Yeah.”

Carter stared at me and I didn’t know what else to say so I just shrugged.

“Does he know who you are, Alice?”

“No. He only knows me as Alice Bird, my maiden name. But…” I shook my head. “He can’t find out, Carter.” I grabbed his hands and gripped them. “Please don’t tell him. I don’t want Niall to find out where I am. I don’t want people to know!”

“I’m sure he’s not allowed to even…”

“Niall pleaded not guilty. He wrote to me. He didn’t ever stop begging and pleading with me. I sent them all back, and for the first time in a long while, I feel safe in Mousehole. I can’t risk…”

“It’s okay. I won’t tell him, but I’m sure…”

“I can’t risk it, Carter. I can’t.”

“Hey.” His fingers gently framed my face, and he dipped his head, bringing his face in line with mine. “I promise.”

Nodding, I tried to give him a smile but it was more like a grimace. I trusted him, even though I hardly knew him, yet a slip of the tongue and the peace I’d managed to find would be shot into a million pieces. I couldn’t risk that. “I’m sure David is the most professional guy out there, but I know how prison officers get close to the inmates. It wouldn’t take much for Niall to feed him a cock and bull story about being the wronged man and then…” I shrugged.

“Alice, I doubt very much that David would be able to get him out.”

“But he’s already appealing. If David and Niall have established an, I dunno, an acquaintance of sorts, then what’s to stop David from trying to convince me? I couldn’t cope with that. I’m already dreading if…”

“He won’t get released, Alice.”

“How do you know? How can either of us know that?”

He sighed heavily, his concern making his eyes appear sad as he looked at me. “I don’t know, but David doesn’t know who you are. And Niall has no idea where you are. You’re as safe here as anywhere. I promise.”

I nodded, just to appease him. I could see the worry in his eyes; the worry that was also in mine. I knew he was just trying to put my mind at rest. Yet what Carter didn’t know was how wealthy Niall was, and how he could afford the best damn lawyers in the whole of the UK. And I also knew Niall. I knew that if Niall wanted something, then Niall got it. No matter the cost. And that was what scared the hell out of me.

Carter held my hand as we climbed the hill in the cemetery. It felt strong and warm as the wind whipped around us and I couldn’t help but grip him tighter. My heart was fluttering and my stomach was churning as the top of the gradient became closer and closer.

“Tell me again why you buried your family at the top of the biggest damn hill in Britain?” Carter puffed when we finally reached the top.

The laugh that left me sounded harsh and strange in the quiet sombre place. “Look,” I said as we rounded the crest.

Carter turned his face to where I indicated and the small breath that left him gave me a much needed smile. The view spanned for miles; roll after roll of lush green grass spread out before us. Trees lined the horizon, their strong structures dominant against the mass of fields, and to one side sat a cornfield, the splash of colour vivid in the expanse of greenery.

“Wow.”

I nodded as I stared out at the beauty before me. “My mother loved it up here. My gran is buried here too and she once told me that it was a view of heaven, and that when she looked out she felt closer to her mother.”

Carter nodded slightly and sighed. “Yeah, I get that.”

Reluctantly I swallowed and looked down. My heart seemed to swallow my breath when my eyes rested on the slab of stone with their names on. The pain inside me was unbearable and I clenched my jaw to force the tears back.

I hadn’t realised Carter had slid his hand back into mine, and I blinked when he squeezed my fingers. “It’s okay, Alice.”

I looked at him and nodded, unable to form words as I slowly lowered to my knees before the grave. It was slightly overgrown. The grounds maintenance did most of its upkeep and kept the weeds to a minimum but I hated the moss that covered the huge stone. I swiped at it, the furry green growth falling in bits to the base of the headstone.

It was then I saw it.

The world rushed at me, my vision tunnelling until all I could see was the small brown teddy bear sat under my baby’s carved name. I started to hyperventilate. I could hear the muffled sound of Carter as I scrambled back, my focus blurring around the edges as my eyes locked onto the familiar soft toy.

“Alice?”

Scrambling to my feet, I spun around in a circle, my eyes darting everywhere as I hunted. “Where are you?”

“Alice, what is it?”

I could see the stream of my hot breath in front of me, the chill at the top of the hill making my panic physical.

“Where are you?” I shouted. “Where are you, you son of a bitch?”

Carter’s hands gripped the tops of my arms and he pulled me in front of him, lowering his face so he was looking straight into my wild eyes. “Calm down.”

“He’s been here,” I choked out as I pulled away from him and turned in different directions. “Niall. He’s been here.”

Pulling open my bag I rummaged around inside for my phone, and then realised I had smashed it after Grant rang me. “Shit.”

“Alice, you’re not making sense.” The look on Carter’s face made my gut twist harder but I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t calm down. I wanted the rage to build, to fuel me.

“I need to get home.”

I snatched up the teddy and started to run down the hill, Carter hurrying behind me as I rambled crap that wouldn’t make sense to him. “I left it in the house.”

“You left what in the house?” he asked as he raced alongside me.

“The bear! Josh’s bear. I never went back, Carter.”

“But it burned to the ground.”

I shook my head manically. “No, my parents’ house did. They were hosting Josh’s party. I couldn’t go home after. His evil touched everything. I couldn’t get through the front door. I couldn’t go home.” I was mumbling, trying to tell him as I rushed to his car. “I don’t even have photos of my family because I couldn’t go back there.”

Before I reached the car, Carter was already in front of me, opening the passenger door for me as he sped around the other side and flung himself inside, the engine already running by the time I was in.

“Where am I going?”

I reeled off the address but he wouldn’t know it anyway, so I directed him. The streets whizzed past us in a blur, the once familiar estate now an alien territory, nothing soothing the turbulence inside me like home should. Nothing could soothe the dread that was building inside me.

“He’s out,” I said.

“You don’t know that.”

But I did. I knew with every breath that left me that my husband had won his appeal. That Josh’s daddy was free. Free for me to finally seek out vengeance for my family.

The house was quiet when I pushed open the front door. Carter huffed at me because I refused to let him in first, his need to protect me angering us both. I couldn’t get a handle on my emotions. One second all I felt was home, the next I wanted to puke, and the next I wanted to slide down in the corner and cry. Josh was everywhere, and even after a year I swear I could still smell his soft, baby powder scent. Heartache blistered my soul, and I blew out a steady breath as I made my way farther in.

Everything was coated in a thick layer of dust, and that surprised me. I had presumed Niall to be living here but from what I could see, no one had even been inside. But I knew he had. He had to have been here to take Josh’s teddy.

Carter moved on ahead and into the living room as I braced myself and slowly ascended the stairs. The beating of my heart was loud in my ears and I winced at every thud.

Josh’s bedroom door was open and I could see the bottom of his tiny bed. My lips trembled, along with my bones, as I pushed the door farther open. Standing in the doorway, I couldn’t move. Echoes of his laughter, his soft snores, and his cries burned my throat and I swallowed the bile in effort to alleviate the pain.

My skin prickled and I closed my eyes as I stepped forward. I was struggling to breathe, and when I made it to his bed I sank down onto it and choked back the sob that was violently trying to free itself.

Carter appeared in the doorway, the pain on his face matching the ache inside me. He gave me a soft smile and came to sit beside me. “There’s no one here.”

My eyes moved to the top of the bed, to the place where Josh’s teddy should have been. I wasn’t surprised to see it empty; the white of his intricate wooden headboard stared at me.

Sniffing, I stood back up, and before I left for the very last time, I picked up Josh’s trinket box that contained his lock of hair and nodded to Carter.

He followed me down the stairs and into the front room. Photographs decked the fireplace, and taking the one of Josh and me on his first birthday, I slipped it into my bag with the small silver box. I could see Carter studying my wedding photo, the one that had been smashed and lay on the floor.

Picking it up, I scoffed. “I guess he’s angry with me then.”

“But he’s not been living here.”

I shook my head. “Apparently not. Can’t say I blame him really.”

Placing the frame back onto the mantle, I took one last look around. “This isn’t my home anymore.” I looked at Carter. “Take me home.”

He smiled softly and reached up to my face, his fingers spreading warmth across the chill of my skin. “It’s going to be okay, Alice.”

“Is it?” I whispered.

This was my home once, and I had been happy here. Now it just held memories that threatened to torture me. Everything remained as it had the day of Josh’s birthday, and as I turned towards the front door, my eyes landed on the coffee table.

Such a stupid little thing broke me. I fell to my knees as my heart shattered inside me. The packet of blue candles sat right where I had left them before we’d all piled out of the house in a rush to my parents’.

Carter was beside me instantly, grabbing at me as he pulled me onto his lap and huddled me in close. He took every bit of my despair and consumed it until I was rocking and wailing. The pain tore through me as if I had been in that fire with them, my body scorching as my skin felt like it was tearing away from me and letting my fractured soul free.

“He was such a good boy. He was always smiling. Why him? Why him, Carter? It’s not fair!”

He shook his head, his chin brushing the top of my hair. “No, it’s not fair. Life isn’t fair,” he whispered as he continued to rock me. “The things we love are taken from us so brutally that sometimes our hearts can’t comprehend that they’re gone. Our souls don’t understand the loss and that’s when we never mend from it. We hurt for the rest of our lives, Alice. That’s what’s not fair. Death is cruel, but not for the dead. For the living.”

I looked up at him, blinking to try and focus on him through my tears. “Did you ever find her?”

His face fell and he slowly shook his head. “No.” That single word was so broken that another sob broke from me.

I cried for him then as I lifted my hand to frame his beautiful face. The pain he always wore split my soul in two, grief for my family and grief for Carter pulling me in different directions until I couldn’t bear the agony inside me.

“You loved her so much.”

He didn’t speak. I had a feeling that if he opened his mouth it wouldn’t be words that came out, but a torturous wail that would allow everything locked down inside him to explode in devastating chaos.

He replied with a nod. A solitary tear slipped from his eye and rolled down his face. I loathed that single drop of sorrow. I could see it searing his skin as it trickled slowly down towards his lips. It was more powerful than the torrent of my own, its potency suffocating me.

Slowly I leaned up and pressed my lips to his to catch his heartache, to take it from him and absorb it like he had my own pain. His mouth was soft and so warm, the slight moisture from the tear tasting salty on my lips. My eyes lifted to his when I heard his slight intake of breath. Slowly, I leaned in again, pressing my lips against his in a soft kiss.

A faint groan rumbled from him before his arms were around me and he pulled me closer. His mouth opened and his tongue gently slipped between my lips and stroked mine. He kissed me with a gentleness that stole something from inside me, his fingers sliding through my hair and pressing into my scalp, making me moan alongside him. I pressed my body against his, the hard ridges of his muscles unforgiving as my breasts squashed against him. My nipples hardened, rubbing between the cotton of my top and his chest.