Night Fires (22 page)

I pulled myself up on my crutches and Carter quickly grabbed my wrist but I shook my head and gave him a gentle smile. “You two need to talk. I’ll just be in the bedroom. Don’t worry.”

One second he looked like he was going to bolt, the next like he was going to cry, the next a flash of rage obscured his handsome face, and then the next instant he looked at me with so much fear that I nearly fell to my knees before him. I could see he didn’t know what to do and the pain in my chest from those changing expressions nearly broke my heart. Running my fingers over his cheek, I tried to convey my total dedication to whatever decision he went with. Carter had always been able to read me, and this time was no different. Giving me a subtle nod and a soft smile he took my hand from his cheek and brought it to his lips, dropping a kiss to my knuckles. ‘I love you’, he mouthed.

“I love you more,” I told him, needing him to hear the sincerity in my soul as I ran my thumb over his lips.

Giving Cary a smile, breaking the complete look of amazement from his face, I took myself into the bedroom Carter had prepped for me, collecting Mack from the bathroom en-route.

I lay on the bed for hours listening to the muted sounds of two brothers finally setting aside their past and looking to a future I prayed to God they still had.

My heart beat furiously as I yearned for them to rekindle even a sliver of what they had lost. Losing Billy had made me more than aware of the bond of family, of the love and faith only they could give you. Carter needed Cary in his life, even if he couldn’t see that right now, yet I understood why he was so angry. Cary had betrayed him with the worst treachery, but they needed each other more than both of them realised. Cary had taken the first step, admitting that he needed his brother.

I hoped Carter could overcome what had fractured their relationship and that he could give Cary the help he very much needed.

Good morning, Billy,

Today’s the day I finally get this lump of concrete sawn off. I can’t believe how quick the time has gone, and to be honest, I’m really nervous. When they took the stitches out a few weeks ago I got a glimpse of what was under there, but then they replaced the cast and now I’m not so sure what the damage will actually look like. The docs have warned me about the scar, and I know it will all be wrinkly and pale. But, I suppose I should be grateful it wasn’t my face that took the brunt of the fall.

Other than that, life is going okay.

Carter is wonderful. He treats me like a princess, and even though he’s still tetchy and grouchy, I can see the amount of love he has for me with every look, and with every breath he takes. I swear he thinks of me as some sort of goddess. I know, I can hear you laughing at that one.

It kinda feels wrong though, my happiness is in a way in exchange for yours, and every time that thought filters in, my heart aches something fierce. Carter, with his usual awareness, spots it and tells me off, declaring in that gruff but soothing voice of his that you’re all happy for me and that you’d want me to find love and use it to enable me to smile again. He’s right, I know he is, but I only wish you were here to share him with me. Josh would adore him, and I know Dad would. Yet, I suppose you’re still sat there with a smile as you look down and witness us both starting again.

Two weeks ‘til Christmas, kid. And this year I have gifts to buy. That pleases more than anything. Thank God for internet shopping, otherwise those gifts would have been handmade lol. I have a feeling this one will be somewhat different to last year. I’m excited, which is something novel. Sharing it with Carter has me planning allsorts, and hopefully by then I should be able to get around by myself – and drive again. God, how I miss just being able to climb inside my little car and drive. If only there was a road that took me to see you. What a gift that would be.

Well, until tomorrow,

Love you, Billy. So much, kid.

“You sure you can manage?” Janie looked back at me with a troubled look as she unlocked the front door.

“Yes,” I ground out for the hundredth time as I hobbled up the path, the damn crutches that had cursed my life for the last six weeks still giving me untold trouble as I attempted to manoeuvre through the door without bashing myself or the narrow frame. “I’m an expert now.”

Janie stared at me as if I’d just told the world’s biggest lie, which I supposed I just had, but remained tight-lipped. Taking my crutches from me when I plopped onto the sofa, she propped them up beside me then disappeared into the kitchen to make a drink.

“Have you heard from Carter yet?”

Checking my phone – the one Carter had insisted I needed and bought for me as an early Christmas gift– I sighed. “Nothing.”

“I’m sure everything is fine!”

It was the day I had both my casts taken off, and the day Cary had his bowel removed – not much difference. I’d insisted on Carter being with Cary while Janie came to the hospital with me. The scar, as I’d expected, was pretty nasty, and my leg muscles had deteriorated significantly, but the doctors had said after a few weeks’ physiotherapy it would be back to near it’s normal self. The pins they’d placed had, fortunately, remained in place and done their job, substituting support which my smashed bones could no longer do. I was lucky really; it could have been so different. At least I would walk again, and that was something to thank God for.

“How are they both doing now?” Janie asked as she placed my mug of tea on the table and settled into the chair with Mack. Janie was his best friend and the pair doted on each other, even if Janie did try to hide her adoration for the big lump of fur.

“Carter’s pretty basic in what he says, but I can tell he’s happy to have his brother back. I know he’ll never forget what happened but Cary is his brother, and right now they need to get each other through this.”

She nodded, sighing heavily. “I can’t believe it, Alice. Cancer. But, I’m trying to concentrate on the good thing, which is that it brought those two boys back together.”

“Yeah.” I took a sip of my tea. “I know Carter doesn’t trust him near me. Cary is moving in here while he’s undergoing the chemo, and I know Carter thinks he’ll make a move on me, and I understand that completely. Although he doesn’t want me to move back to Kingfisher House, I think the time together alone will do them good, and me not being here will help them relax around each other.”

“Yeah, I get that too.”

“Carter isn’t too pleased that I’m moving back out, but it’s for the best. I still need my independence, Janie. Although a part of me is nervous and sad. It feels right, being here with Carter. Amazingly, and surprisingly, we got on brilliantly and we’ve had best time together.”

“I bet you have.” Janie smirked. “Sex whenever, wherever, and as loudly as you want. You lucky bitch.”

I reached out and smacked her arm but struggled to hide my grin.

“One thing though.” She peered at me curiously. “How the hell did you manage it with that thing on your leg?”

I chuckled. “Very carefully, and with lots of creativity.”

She laughed loudly. “Seriously though, I’m so happy for you. I know you’ve had some shit in the past and you both deserve this more than anybody I know.”

The familiar fear crept over me with her words and my belly twisted nervously.

Janie tipped her head to the side and frowned. “What’s wrong?”

Blowing out a long breath, I swallowed the lump that had formed. “It’s… I dunno, Janie. It feels too good to be true. I have this feeling in the back of my head that something’s going to go wrong.”

“Why should it? You’re allowed to be happy.” She moved Mack off her knee and came to sit beside me. For a moment she was quiet and I could see her weighing up her words carefully. “Alice, what happened to you?” Her question was quiet and timid, as if she was scared of what I would say in reply, but Janie had proved to be a good friend, so I opened up and told her everything.

When I’d finished she blew out a breath and slumped onto the sofa. “Shit, girl. No wonder you’re terrified.”

“It’s not that. I just feel… like I don’t deserve to be happy. I…”

“Stop right there!” Her nostrils flared as she scowled at me. “I’d say you deserve happiness more than any other fucker out there. We all make mistakes, Alice. Yours wasn’t so big that you deserved to lose your family in exchange. Niall took you for granted. He abused you, he hurt you, and he made you pay for something that wasn’t your fault.”

“But that doesn’t excuse my affair, Janie. I should never have done that to him. I hurt Grant too. He fell in love with me and I couldn’t give him that back. I broke his heart along with Niall’s.”

“Grant knew that when he got involved with a married woman. Don’t feel guilty for him. That isn’t your problem. And you’re telling me it would have been easier to just up and leave Niall, huh?” She shook her head firmly. “I know you felt it was your duty to stand by him, Alice. And even though it wasn’t, I admire that you did. Just because you wanted nice things in life doesn’t mean you had to pay for them in the way you did. Shit, the saying ‘life owes us nothing’ is bullshit. Life owes you a goddamn fucking shit ton.”

I scowled at her string of expletives but she huffed at me. “Listen to me, Alice. You deserve Carter. He is one of the most amazing men I know. He’s one of the rare ones. If he loves you then he will devote himself to you completely. He will cherish you, give himself to you in ways you could never believe. And you deserve that. That passion, that intensity between you, it’s there for a reason. It’s nature, or even God’s way of giving back. You’ve found your soul mate. And I know the journey to get him was bloody cruel, but that makes your relationship all the more special.”

I nodded. “But this is what I’m saying.”

“I know what you’re saying,” she cut in, “but if you sit here worrying and telling yourself you don’t deserve to be happy then you’re going to ruin it yourself. Waiting for something bad to happen is like inviting in the badness, opening the doors to the enemy. Don’t, Alice. You need to take every day for what it is; a new day. A day that belongs to you and Carter. Fuck, that man deserves you as well. Don’t take that away from him because of guilt. That’s not fair.”

Tears rolled down my face at her truth. If anyone was to put it bluntly, it was Janie, and I loved her for it. Saying it how it was made me see it for what it was. And she was right. I was waiting for something to ruin what I had found, yet it would be me that destroyed everything by not believing in us.

“Quit the tears, you dramatic skank,” Janie sobbed as she pulled me in for a hug, her own tears flowing in sympathy with my own.

“Well, when you put it like that.” I half-laughed, half-sobbed as I hugged her just as tightly.

“Right.” She cleared her throat and moved away, swiping at her own tears. “Now that’s said, it’s over. Quit being a whiny bitch and tell me how good Carter is in bed!”

Laughing, I dragged her back for another hug. “God, I love you!”

“I know, I’m awesome,” she mumbled in my ear. “But I’m serious. I’m dying to know. Is he big? I bet he is!”