NO CLOSURE NO FORGIVENESS (2 page)

Are we
allowed to do this?

No,
probably not. But hey, it’s more fun that way, right?

I just
don’t want to get you into trouble. You know, you could lose your badge and
all.

What would
you do if you got me into trouble?

I’d save
you of course.

What makes
you think you’re not saving me now?

Am I?

Yeah,
baby.

Is it
weird that I love you?

I hope
not.

So why
can’t you kiss me?

‘Cause
you’re the man. There’s this thing called initiative.

Yeah, Jessie
I know what initiative is.

Lemme hear
you spell it then.

Jessica
jolted awake. The phone was ringing. She wished she had turned the freaking
thing off. But the constant, but ridiculous hope that Andrew would someday
return still remained. Even now, as she lay in bed that bleak, foggy morning
she felt her lips touch his before he could spell the word that had cast a
spell upon both of them.

Will this
ever end? Jessica wondered as she reached across the bed and yanked the phone
from the receiver. She knew who was calling. And she wasn’t looking forward to
it.

“Morning
Lieutenant,” she said after answering on the fourth ring.

“Nothing good
about this morning, Detective. You know that, don’t you?”

Lieutenant
Mann, her commanding officer at Baltimore’s Homicide Division. A good guy,
really, but the two weren’t getting along. Not since the fallout where she’d
been exposed and ostracized in front of dozens of officers who had grown to
respect her over the years.

Maybe Mann
has a personal agenda,
Jessica
thought to herself, trying as hard as she could to tune out his rant. She
couldn’t really blame the Lieutenant for not trusting her, especially since she’d
fallen for a self-proclaimed cannabis enthusiast and UPS truck driver. Fourteen
weeks later and the squad still hadn’t offered forgiveness, let alone
acceptance. Jessica was beginning to believe they never would. For all she
knew, she wouldn’t be around long enough to find out.

“Let’s get
one thing clear, Detective. You don’t go anywhere near the Brenner case, you
hear me?”

“Captain, I’m
not so sure that guy—

“It’s a
matter for Daniels and Shelton,” he barked, referring to two other detectives
on the city’s elite detective squad. “You don’t touch this case. You don’t make
contact with the victim’s family. And you sure as heck don’t get anywhere near
this Andrew character again. Understand?”

“Yes sir.”

“Where is he
anyway?”

“I don’t know
sir,” she lied.

“Good. I got
another case for you. Unless you want me to hand you over to Internal Affairs.
To be honest, they’re a little ticked off at you, remember?”

She
remembered. Patrick Brenner had filed a class-action lawsuit against the
Department after learning of her and Andrew’s fling. He’d found out she’d been
abused earlier and decided that the two had hatched a plan to protect Irene
from prosecution. Not much evidence to back up the allegations, but the city
didn’t necessarily need evidences to believe the charge. Circumstances were
enough.  However, the Department had the full quota of embarrassment as the
settlement proved to be a major fallout for it.  And Jessica ended up being the
scapegoat for an administration that needed someone to blame.

“Sir, I
understand the rules now. I know I just joined the team but I’m going to make
it up to you guys. I promise.”

“I know you
will. Before you do, I need you to go get a psych eval.”

“Sir?”

“You heard
me, Galloway. You’re a ticking time bomb. Go see the head shrink. Get cleared,
and maybe, just maybe I’ll give you another case.”

“Yes sir.
I’ll get it done.”

He had
already hung up. Jessica sighed, then stretched and yawned. She glanced at the
wall clock. Just a few minutes past seven. As much as she wanted to hate her CO
for not trying to understand what she—and Irene—had gone through—she knew it
was no use. Men just didn’t get it.

Andrew did
though. And she knew exactly where he was. Only a few days after Andrew Hoffman
had offered testimony that led to Irene’s acquittal, he’d been called by a
federal prosecutor to testify in a racketeering case against his former
cohorts, members of a well-known and ruthless street gang. Threats ensued. An
attempt on Andrew’s life was initiated. And the chances of her being with her
lover again had evaporated. Jessica was confident that she and Andrew would
never see that island they talked about during those nights tucked beneath the
sheets of that crappy hotel in East Side.

Didn’t hurt
to dream though.

She flung her
bare legs over the side of the bed, stared at the top of her feet. She wished
she had time to get a pedicure, or at least a deep tissue body massage. She
dismissed the thoughts and padded across the room, opened the blinds and stared
outside. A light snow delicately painted the streets and sidewalks, the first
pleasant sight she’d seen since Andrew had been ushered away to whereabouts
unknown. And as soon as the peacefulness came, it disappeared as she recalled
last night’s events.

There had
been the terror of realizing she could have been killed. Later, there had been
the fear that she just wasn’t up for being a cop, not with her personal
struggles in the past and her instability in the presence of violence. And of
course she’d had to deal with the disappointment from knowing she’d screwed up.
Again
. Then came that awkward moment when she’d walked into the Homicide
Division weekly strategy meeting twenty minutes late, her face chapped from
excessive hand washing, her excuse more of a joke than an explanation. And now
the anger that came from losing control.

She neither
needed, nor wanted, to see some silly doctor. A woman who would profile her,
judge her, and strip her of what sense of humanity she still had. But it had to
be done if there would ever be a chance that she could move up in her career
someday.

Jessica
scurried into the bathroom, brushed her teeth, then turned the shower water to
hot and stepped in. The water soothed her tense muscles and slowly she began to
feel a little better than she had last night. She dragged the shower out as
long as she could before she realized she would be late for her appointment if
she didn’t get a move on. Finally, she stepped out, dried using the towel her grandmother
had given her last year for Christmas, and dressed for the day.

Casual was the
way to go, Andrew had once told her. She opted for jeans instead of dress pants
and chose a nice sweater to go along with a thin black leather jacket. She
donned a small gold necklace and tucked it under the sweater. She added a coat
of lavender lipstick so thin it could barely be seen. She wore her hair the
same way she did for work. Tied back into a bun, a necessity to meet Department
regulations.

She gave a
final look at the mirror and glanced at the clock again. Thirty minutes after
seven. The appointment with Doctor Sarah Chapman was at eight. Jessica ran
downstairs and grabbed a bagel from the kitchen counter. Then she picked up her
keys and phone and headed for the door.

Her cell
phone buzzed in her pocket. The Caller ID informed her that the number was
restricted. Ever since trauma and constant fear had been introduced into her
life, Jessica didn’t like answering calls unless she knew who she was speaking
with in advance. Yet another insecurity that would eventually cause her
troubles on the job.

Jessica
ignored the call. But then the phone buzzed again. Exhaling in frustration, she
answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey baby
girl. I don’t think this whole witness protection thing is gonna work out.”

Jessica’s
heart felt like it had stopped beating. Or was that because Andrew Hoffman had
it in his possession? She struggled to speak, to say something,
anything
.
She’d waited to hear from him for so long. Now the words she’d so desperately
longed to speak wouldn’t come out.

Jessica was
shocked at what she said next.

“I can’t talk
to you Andrew.”

“Don’t be
ridiculous.”

“I
can’t
.
I have to…I have to move on.”

“I know.
That’s why I’m calling.”

Jessica
wanted to scream. Not a leave-me-alone-or-I’m-calling-the-cops scream. But an
I-love-you-so-much-but-this-is-too-complicated sort of scream. Why, oh why did
this man
always
know exactly what to say?

“We can’t
live like this,” he said, as if reading her mind from wherever he was hidden in
the country. “I’m miserable.  And where are you anyway?”

She didn’t
answer.

 I heard
about Irene. Jessica, I…”

His voice trailed
and she knew how he was feeling. Irene had been his friend as much as she had
been hers. She resisted the urge to cry, knowing he would sense it. He would
say things to make her feel better. And she would just stay on the phone longer
and longer and longer.

“Please, Jessica.
Can we at least talk? I’ve never felt so empty in my life.”

The pain in
his voice was enough to make her want to forego the doctor’s appointment, and
the Baltimore City Police Department altogether. But there was no way this could
work out for either of them.

“It’s not
safe, Andrew. I hate myself for saying this. But I have to go, okay baby?
Please don’t call me anymore. Please. I love you but you gotta go.”

“Jessica,” he
whispered softly.

She ended the
call and rushed outside. The faster she moved, the less likely she’d keep
crying, the more likely she could return to living the introverted life style
she’d lived before. Her phone buzzed again so she turned it off, making a
mental note to get the number blocked, knowing the U.S. Marshals would be
contacted and things would happen to keep Andrew from calling ever again.

She half-walked,
half-ran to her vehicle, then pulled out of the driveway. She couldn’t afford
to think about Andrew now. But she did it anyway. She loved him too much to
forget about him, no matter how dangerous it might be to remember.

Christmas was
less than two weeks away. Frustrated parents braved the wintry elements in a
desperate effort to spoil their children so they would actually want to return
to school following the break. City workers shoveled snow, families made last
minute grocery store trips. And Jessica sat in a waiting room in the doctor’s
office less than a mile away from Homicide.

The detective
reached down and shuffled through a selection of magazines. She wrinkled her
nose, resisting the urge to make eye contact with the former cop who sat in a
seat less than six feet from her. She waited patiently for Doctor Chapman to
call her name.

But, moments
after she found her solitude, memories of Andrew returned to fill in the
void…he pleading to talk to her, telling her how miserable he was feeling
without her. And she struggling to keep herself in control, telling him that he
got to go….even though deep down within herself, she knew she couldn’t live
without him.

She tried
hard to fight her tears. Not here. Not before everyone.

I
have got
to get over my vulnerabilities if at all I have to move on in my life
, she
told herself firmly.

“Hello, Miss
Galloway?”

Jessica was
startled as the voice interrupted her thoughts. She looked up. The door was
open and the psychiatrist, who specialized in conducting evaluations for police
officers, typically determined “unfit for duty”, was standing in the doorway.

Jessica got
up hurriedly but composed herself quickly. She nodded to the doc, giving her a
once over. Doctor Sarah Chapman was tall and elegant, her dark hair flowing
freely below her shoulders. Her purple manicured nails matched nicely with her
sweater, dress pants, and flats. The shrink smiled when she caught Jessica
looking.

“That new
department store down the street has ‘em on sale for fifty bucks,” she
whispered through pretty white teeth. Jessica smiled. She couldn’t help it. She
kind of liked this woman already.

“Follow me,
Miss Galloway, my office is right here on the left.”

Jessica
entered the doctor’s office, immediately comforted by the room’s warmth. It
wasn’t so much the temperature she appreciated, but the sense of belonging. The
feeling was weird, but for some reason she felt that the doctor truly cared
about her well-being and wanted the best for her.

It was
strange because they’d barely had a chance to meet, let alone get to know one
another. So what was it about this woman that made her appear so…easygoing?

Jessica took
a seat on a cushioned black leather chair and took a moment to admire the
assortment of academic and professional accomplishments plastered on the walls.

Then she saw
the family photos, the tall, strong, charming man lifting his beloved up off
the ground and the pain returned. For a second she wondered if the picture had
been methodically placed there simply to get a rise out of patients.

Doctor
Chapman’s polished fingers flew across her computer’s keyboard for a few
seconds. She scribbled some therapy mumbo-jumbo, took a few sips of delicious smelling
coffee, then looked into Jessica’s eyes. The warm smile was gone, now replaced
with a look of seriousness that suggested her intentions were
I’m not really
here to help you, I’m here to make sure you never work as a cop again.

Jessica
returned to her defensive state, almost wishing she had brought her gun into
the building.

“How are you
feeling,” Doctor Chapman asked.

“Pretty
annoyed,” Jessica answered. “Why do you ask?”

“My job is to
conduct a psychiatric evaluation and deliver a report to your commanding officer
back at the precinct. So again, how do you feel right now?”

“I don’t feel
like I need a head shrink. I feel like situations like this are what cause me
to feel uncomfortable in the first place.”

The doctor
nodded slowly and recorded some notes. “Jessica, over the last few months or
so, you’ve become increasingly distracted over a man by the name of Andrew Hoffman.
Is that correct?”

Jessica
frowned. “Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?”

“People are
worried that your personal feelings for him will continue to cloud your
judgment.”

You mean,
the relationship presents a conflict of interest and I’m an ongoing liability
for the Department because I might get somebody killed in the line of duty.

“More
importantly, they’re worried that your previous experiences with domestic abuse
may have returned to haunt you.”

“That’s not
true.”

“But you
certainly think of those moments from time to time?”

“I’m sorry,
is that a question or a statement?”

‘It’s a
question, Miss Galloway. Do you still think of the days you attended college?”

“Of course.
Who wouldn’t? It’s not enough to interfere with my ability to do my job.”

“But you do
remember what led you and this man to develop a relationship in the first place?

“Of course. Andrew
was there for me at a time when no one else was.”

“I see.”

More notes.
Another sip of coffee.

“Jessica, I
want to ask you a question. Please answer honestly.”

Jessica
resisted the urge to show her hesitation. An honest answer might earn her some
brownie points from the Department’s designated head shrink, but how would she
deal with the consequences in the long run? After a moment of thought, she
sighed and said, “Okay, I’m listening.”

“Do you think
your love for Andrew would lead you to make a horrible mistake of some kind?”

“I don’t
understand the question.”

“I mean, do
you think you would lose focus to the point of endangering someone else’s
life?”

“No, of
course not. I’m a trained police officer.”

“Then tell
me, what happened on that day that you first met him that caused you to become
so distracted?”

Jessica
briefly shut her eyes. She’d spent the last few months desperately trying to
find a way to erase the memories of one of the most beautiful experiences she’d
ever had. It was proving to be one of the hardest challenges she’d ever
endured. Andrew wasn’t just a man she’d fallen in love with and wanted to
marry, he was also her best friend, and one of the few friends she fully
trusted.

Jessica
didn’t immediately answer the doctor’s questions. She knew these types of professionals
well enough to know that they would drag out the silence forever until she said
something.

Outside the
office, Jessica heard sirens wailing somewhere in the distance. Police sirens,
may be a half-dozen squad cars or more. That’s where she belonged, out there in
the city streets making a difference, doing what she signed up to do.

Lately, the
confusion she’d been feeling about life had become overwhelming. Yet the
uncertainty of never feeling as if she were making the right choices was strangely
comforting. Not knowing what to do made making poor choices a lot easier.

It was the
only way she’d ever be able to explain her next actions.

Without
thinking, she stood up and walked out of the office, ignoring Doctor Chapman’s
cries that the psych eval was mandatory if she wanted to return to the police
department. Because there was a part of her that really didn’t want to. Not
anytime soon anyway. There was only one way to avoid sinking into the
depressing, post-traumatic world in which she’d lived following her days in
college.

Nothing could
return to normal until she caught Irene Brenner’s killer and put him away
forever. Even if it meant illegally reuniting with Andrew and facing Patrick
Brenner head on.

She kept
walking until she was out of the doctor’s office and back outside into the
frigid winter air. The tranquility she’d felt when she’d awakened that morning
had disappeared, replaced with the feeling of dread that coincided with the freezing
rain and cloudy skies.

Jessica
nodded to an off-duty street cop strolling down the sidewalk and jumped into
her unmarked police vehicle. She wasn’t sure where she was going just yet, just
that she had to get out of there.

Her cell
phone buzzed in her pocket. Detective Michael Shelton, the lead investigator on
the Brenner case. She answered quickly.

“Shelton,
what’s going on?”

“Did ya make
it in to see the doc?” he asked. She could hear his mocking tone and knew he
would continue giving her a hard time so long as she allowed him to do so.

“Hey cut it
out, Shelton. You don’t know me well enough to judge me.”

“I know ya
enough to know you have some insight I could appreciate.”

She frowned
as she took a left at the next intersection and headed East. She knew exactly
where she was going now, though months had passed since she’d been there.

“So what are
you talking about Shelton?”

“We got a
suspect for Irene Brenner’s murder.”

“Oh really?
Let me guess, her ex-husband?”

“That’s the
thing, it’s not so simple. I mean, yeah I’m sure he’s our guy. But I think he’s
up to a lot more than either you or me could ever imagine.”

Jessica
scoffed and cranked the heat up in the car. No one knew just how far Patrick
Brenner would really go except her. She’d seen the look in his eyes the day
Irene had been acquitted, the day he’d decided that he’d blame everyone for
what went wrong except himself. She told Shelton as much.

“Yeah, that’s
the thing Jessie—

“Don’t call
me Jessie—

“Jessica, we
got plenty of good reasons to think he’s coming for you and your uh…boyfriend.”

Jessica’s heart
sank as she mulled over the disastrous news. Brenner wouldn’t get anywhere near
Andrew, not while he was locked away tightly in whatever corner of the country
the Marshal Services had placed him in. But what if Andrew didn’t have plans to
stick around? What if he planned on quitting the program to come back and be
with her? As much as she still liked the idea, it would be a dangerous move—for
both of them.

Shelton must
have been reading her mind. “I need you to come meet me here at the victim’s
old place.”

Jessica
frowned again. “Really? I’m pretty sure Lieutenant Mann said he doesn’t want me
anywhere near the case.”

“Yeah, well I
talked to him. And this case is top priority now, especially since a homicide detective
and a federal witness are in the crosshairs.”

Jessica
swallowed the lump in her throat as she pulled to a halt at the next traffic
light. It was difficult to tell if this was good news or not. “Where’s your
partner, Shelton?”

“Temporarily
reassigned to Vice Unit. It’s me and you now.”

A small grin
crossed her lips. The fear and sense of recklessness she’d felt six months ago
returned. With it came the confidence she’d been hoping to have. Sometimes all
it took to regain lost confidence was knowing you had a job to do and people
depending on you to do that job effectively.

“I’ll be
there in a bit, Shelton. Don’t move.”

She ended the
call without telling her new partner she’d been on her way to Irene Brenner’s
condo on the West Side all along. Yet another secret she had to keep from
people who were working their hardest to protect her.

Doctor
Chapman would have to schedule another appointment.

Patrick and
Irene Brenner’s former home was less than two minutes away and she couldn’t
help but wonder how’d she’d managed to stay so close to memories that were both
tragic yet so pleasant. After the nine-year-old boy’s death, the couple had
ceased to keep up with mortgage payments. No homeowner had lived in the
property since a few weeks after the trial had ended.

Jessica
pulled into the suburban neighborhood which reminded her slightly of her own.
This side of the city was far less violent and far more attractive than many of
the city’s other areas. Yet Irene had been gunned down less than three blocks from
where she’d begun raising a child.

Detective Michael
Shelton’s squad car sat parked at the front curb next to a shiny red pickup
truck. Jessica parked just a few feet from the truck. A real estate agent drove
away as Jessica exited the vehicle and walked to the front porch. Her stomach
tensed as she approached the home as she contemplated the likelihood that
something would go horribly and unexplainably wrong.

Jessica
expected to see Detective Michael Shelton inside Irene Brenner’s old townhouse,
boasting his usual arrogant smirk, a twinkle in his eye suggesting that a
wisecrack was a mere second away. So she was surprised to see him appear so
grim, his thin lips tightly closed as if he too had some secret he needed to
protect.

Looking past
her partner, Jessica realized that was in fact the case. There was another man
in the home. African American, tall, and somewhat muscular. His skin seemed to
glow in a way that made his smile even more charming. But his eyes weren’t
nearly as bright as they were when she had looked adoringly into them during
the last night they’d spent together.