NO CLOSURE NO FORGIVENESS (4 page)

Panting,
Jessica jumped back into the truck and turned the keys in the ignition. The
pickup started with a roar, its tires burning rubber as Jessica fled the
downtown mall area. In the passenger’s seat, Andrew breathed heavily as he
tried to relax. It was the first time Jessica had ever seen him afraid.

She hoped he
still had the confidence he usually had. Hers was running on fumes.

 “You got a
plan here genius?” Andrew asked as they pulled away from the city streets and
towards the interstate. Uncertain of what chaos would await them around the
next corner, Jessica repeatedly checked her rearview mirror. It was only a
matter of time before the same police officer she’d served alongside for years
came to hunt her down as a traitor.

Jessica
wanted to ditch the truck, especially since the shiny model was presumably the
same vehicle federal authorities had given Andrew when he went into witness
protection. But first, there was the snobbish recovering drug addict sitting
crammed in the backseat. Glancing at the rearview mirror again, Jessica could see
only the side of Carson’s knees as he attempted to stretch out in the truck’s
backseat; his height and weight proved to be a tight fit.

Jessica
sighed as she tried to reason with her contact once more. “Carson, I was trying
to tell you that we didn’t think you did anything wrong.”

“So why’d you
arrest me? I wasn’t resisting arrest and I don’t have to talk to you.”

Jessica
waited a few moments before answering. She could tell him anything but what
about Baltimore PD when they finally arrested her? And what about Andrew, who
was beginning to look like he had no idea who he’d fallen in love with.

“Carson,”
Jessica said after pulling onto the Interstate. “I need your help getting
justice for a good friend of mine. And her little boy wants to live in peace.
That something you’d be willing to help with?”

Jessica
resisted a smile as Carson struggled to sit up in the backseat. Already, the
addict was showing signs of a man who for so long desperately wanted a second
chance and now realized one was being handed to him.

“What do you
need from me?” he asked.

“Earlier I
asked you about a friend. Patrick Brenner?”

“Yeah, what
about him?”

“Have you
spoken with him?”

“Not since he
got out. I heard he was having problems, you know, with his baby’s mother or
something.”

“Well, his
baby’s mother is dead. And we think he might have killed her.”

“Oh, I see.”
Carson nodded and looked out the window. Jessica could see the expression on
his face now, the guilt of knowing he’d befriended a man who very well may have
betrayed him, and the fear of knowing that Patrick could return and silence him
simply because he knew too much. Jessica seized the moment.

“You’re a
liability for him now, Carson. Whatever you know about Patrick, where he’s
gone, what his plans are, he’s not gonna let you just hang around and tell the
story. He already killed Irene, what makes you think he won’t come after you?”

She
deliberately avoided mentioning that she had yet to obtain proof that Patrick
was indeed a killer, it was more or less one of those instincts that came with
the job. Not to mention being a victim herself. Jessica knew a monster just by
looking into his eyes and studying his rap sheet.

Carson
suddenly began grinning from ear-to-ear, a stark comparison from how he’d behaved
since the back alley struggle. And why would he be happy about the fact that
his life could be in danger?

 “Gotta be
honest with you Jessica, nothing about this sounds legal.”

No,
everything about this is completely
illegal,
Jessica thought to herself. Briefly, she shut her eyes before continuing.

“Buddy, if
you help me, maybe I’ll make your next bid go a little smoother. You and I know
there’s a good chance you’ll go back again. I can see it in your eyes.”

Carson’s face
twisted in mock humiliation. “I’m hurt Jessica, but why not? An old friend he
did time with says he spends a lot of his free time sitting at home.”

Jessica
frowned. “You talking about the place where he and Irene lived? Nah, he doesn’t
live there anymore, we already checked.”

Carson’s smile
vanished. “That’s all I know, I swear!”

There was a
part of Jessica that wanted to believe him. But there was always a chance that
he knew more than what he had revealed. “Patrick was in addictions recovery.
Where else would he go?”

“Uh, no
family, no friends, I’ve got no clue where he’d go. Look, you’re the detective,
why can’t you figure it out yourself?”

His voice was
increasing in volume and Jessica knew she had to release him. This had already
gotten far enough out of hand. She cursed under her breath and took a right
turn down the next ramp. She kept the steering wheel to the right as she made a
long, winding hairpin turn. For a moment she wished she could enjoy the
opportunity to drive a pickup truck for the first time. To this day, she still
had fond memories of riding along in her grandfather’s truck to his doctor’s
visits.

The memory
inspired her.

“What about a
doctor?” she asked Carson as she pulled the truck to the curb. “Any chance he
was seeing a doctor? For any reason at all?”

Carson’s eyes
lit up once again. “Yeah, yeah, there was a time when they thought he was, I
don’t know, mentally ill or something. So he saw this doctor to get some
pills.”

Jessica
nodded slowly. Andrew finally spoke up from the passenger’s seat. “That mean
something to you, baby?”

“Oh, yeah,”
she said quietly. Then she frowned. “Andrew, I need you to get out so Carson
can. It was hard enough stuffing him back there.”

Jessica could
only wonder how many people had seen the video of her doing that. Somewhere in
the distance, the sound of rapidly approaching sirens split the air. She was
beginning to get a bad feeling about this.

Andrew
finished helping Carson out of the backseat and onto the sidewalk. The
distressed ex-con’s eyes frantically searched his surroundings and for the
first time Jessica realized she’d dropped him off in a drug-infested
neighborhood. It was a horrible decision that would only contribute to his
addiction. Another strike against her when she returned to the
precinct—voluntarily, or against her will.

“One last
question,” she said, raising her hand from the front seat to drown out Carson’s
groans. “How often did he see this doctor? How long, Carson?”

Carson looked
down at his feet. Jessica’s heart panged with guilt as she realized what she
was doing to him. “I don’t know anything about that,” he said. Then before she
had the chance to apologize, he took off running down the street.  As he
disappeared around a corner, Jessica heard a few young women giggling, then
saying Carson’s name.

“Guess he
found another fix,” she mumbled as she shifted the truck back into drive.

“What’s
gotten into you?” Andrew asked.

Jessica’s
heart skipped a beat as she heard the tension in his voice. And then the stress
from the last few days could no longer stay contained within her. She let it
all out.

“You know
what, I don’t need you judging me right now Andrew. I’m risking my life, my
career, my
freedom
to help someone
you
cared so much about. All
because you have some stupid idea that we can actually be together.”

Andrew’s eyes
flared. “Stupid idea? Really? The woman I love so much was honest and
forthcoming. If you thought this was a stupid idea I would have stayed back at
that disgusting shack the feds threw me in.”

“Maybe, you
should just go back there,” Jessica said quietly. “I tried to tell you it was
better for both of us.”

Andrew glared
at her from the passenger’s seat. Then his eyes softened, but not because he
had returned to his pleasant, loveable self. Jessica noticed the pain in his
eyes, the same betrayal she’d felt so often throughout her life. She had hurt
him, and albeit, emotional, it was enough to get Andrew to make the decision
that she hoped he’d never make.

“Let me out
up in that parking lot,” he said pointing to a convenience store roughly fifty
yards in front of them. The sirens she’d heard before had stopped. Units had
responded to the church incident. An investigation would be initiated. She’d be
arrested. Maybe Andrew too. They needed to stick together.

“Andrew baby,
I’m sorry okay. Can we just—

“As much as I
love you, the stunts you’re pulling are gonna end up getting me killed around
here. Besides, you said it was a stupid idea for us to be together and I kind
of agree.”

“Andrew.”

“Let me out,”
he repeated, reaching into his pocket for his cell phone. “Or I’ll call the
police on you myself.”

Now it was
Jessica’s turn to feel hurt. But she knew she had brought the pain on herself.
“Would you really do that Andrew? Now, after everything we’ve been through?”

He opened the
side door and stepped out into the street. A gust of cold wind slammed into her
face through the open door. The tears she’d managed to keep inside her eyelids
spilled onto her cheeks.

She repeated
the question, but with less force.

“Do you
really want me to answer your question, Jessica? Now, after everything we’ve
been through?”

She didn’t
answer, which apparently gave Andrew the answer he was looking for. He shut the
door and began walking away. He didn’t look back as he usually did to wink and
blow her kisses. He kept walking. Ten feet. Thirty. Fifty. Then he was gone.

“Now what?”
Jessica said aloud.

She wiped
tears from her eyes and began driving again. Fear had never felt so real in her
life. She could go to prison. Patrick could hunt her down and kill her. Andrew
could get hurt, or worse, if word leaked that he’d escaped witness protection
and was now back on the streets of Baltimore.

Jessica tried
to drown out the worries as she searched for a place to abandon the truck. She
recalled the night she’d fallen deeply in love with Andrew, all the way on the
other side of town in that cheap, hotel they’d booked to avoid detection. The
night they’d discussed what it meant to take the initiative, before succumbing
to an hour’s worth of pillow talk.  

She pulled
into an alley where she knew there were no security cameras. Then she locked
the door and walked away, tucking the keys into her back pocket. For now, the
keys would be the only memory she needed of Andrew.

If Patrick
Brenner had visited a doctor for help, then she knew an old face who might be
willing to help.

Jessica
reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone. Then she dialed Doctor
Chapman’s number.

Later that
evening, Jessica sat quietly in a white rental car and reflected on the events
of the last few days. She longed for the days when life made sense, when
choices were easier to make, and every move she made didn’t feel like it would
lead to a disaster. One by one, the protective walls she’d built around her
life had come crashing down, leaving her with no choice but to run and hide, or
stay and fight.

Running
wouldn’t work. Hiding would only work for so long. And she couldn’t have the
best of both worlds—capturing Irene’s killer and saving her career. If her days
among Baltimore City’s elite were coming to an end, she wanted to at least
leave on a good note, which meant finding Patrick Brenner by any means
necessary, legal or otherwise. At the very least, an arrest would reduce the
chances of the police, the federal government, or for all she knew the CIA,
would be inclined to hunt her down as if she were some traitor.

Yet every
hour Jessica drifted further towards being a full-blown vigilante, she felt
just like a traitor, a trained and respected homicide detective who betrayed
the badge and oath she swore to protect for what—a sexy, hot flame who’d just
walked out on her hours earlier?

Maybe the
harder it becomes to make the best choices, the easier it will be for me to
make those choices,
Jessica
thought to herself as she sat in the vehicle. She shivered in the cold car and
zipped her coat up until it pinched her chin. She longed for summer heat and
beautiful sunshine, anything to take away the dull, cold heartache that gnawed
away at her insides since the day she’d been reassigned to Homicide Division,
after leaving the recently formed Domestic Violence Task Force. That was the
day that Andrew had vanished with barely a good-bye.

Jessica
clenched the steering wheel and gritted her teeth. Over thinking, or whatever
the therapists called it, would bring her to her demise. There was no better
way of talking her way out of taking action than thinking of hundreds of
reasons why taking any form of action would do more harm than good. So she took
a deep breath, shut her eyes and counted to three, then exited the vehicle.

“So glad I
didn’t call you first,” Jessica muttered as she hurried to the doctor’s office.
It was true. Had she called, she would have learned that no matter how hard she
tried, doctors wouldn’t give out confidential information about patients, not
without a court order. More so, as Jessica herself had been declared sort of
“unfit for duty” and referred to the doctor for a psychological evaluation from
which she had run away. Thus, with no evidence linking Brenner to his wife’s murder,
and her own credibility lost, a court order would never come anyway.

Desperate
times.

Jessica tried
to remain in the shadows as she considered the best way to break into the
doctor’s office and steal information without getting caught. All she needed
was an address and maybe some personal information that would give her a better
idea of who she and Andrew were dealing with. She tried not to think about what
she would do if she began finding more than she bargained, a real possibility
considering Brenner was a narcissist and probably got his rocks off venting to
female doctors.

And of course
there was still the risk of finding nothing at all. After all, there was no
guarantee that Brenner had visited Chapman, or any other doctor who worked in
that office. But he had lived nearby for so long and the neighbor she and
Andrew had interviewed had already mentioned that Brenner frequented the area.

With all
other doors closed, this was the little opening she had to fall back upon.
There was a risk. It was going to add up to the list of charges that could come
up against her. But there was no time to think. Any moment the police would
track her down and put an end to all her efforts to accomplish what was there
in her mind.
She must act. Now!
She told herself.

Here we
go.
Jessica took one
final deep breath, then reached down and scooped up a large rock buried under
the snow. She took a quick look around and only after seeing busy city streets
lined with drivers not paying her any attention, she lunged forward, throwing
the rock at the nearest window as hard as she could. The glass shattered into
thousands of little pieces. Instinctively, she lurched backwards to protect
herself from injury. Then she waited quietly for a few moments for the sound of
an alarm.

Nothing. That
meant a silent alarm. She couldn’t imagine that the office would keep the
building so unsecured in a city plagued with recent crime waves. Quickly, she
took a few steps back, ran forward, and jumped upwards. Her gloved fingers
barely caught hold of the bottom edge of the windowsill. She used her strength
to slowly lift herself up towards the window, silently thanking the
self-defense instructor who had prepared her to never allow another man to do
her harm.

It took about
twenty seconds, but Jessica managed to lift herself up over the window sill and
down into the office. Her feet landed on the floor with a thud. She’d
successfully managed to break into the office building. That meant she could
add another felony to the list of crimes and human rights violations she’d
committed in the last seventy-two hours.

Remaining
crouched, Jessica reached towards her police belt and removed her flashlight.
She’d only brought the essentials, leaving her gun and badge behind in case she
was caught. As if that would make her actions look any less disturbing.

Jessica
scanned the room with the flashlight and suddenly realized she’d made a serious
miscalculation. There was no telling how long it would take to search the
office for the information she sought. And already she could hear the
approaching sirens, or was that paranoia?

Jessica
remained motionless, straining her ears for any sound of danger. She could have
sworn she’d heard something from
inside
the building. But there was no
reason to think anyone was still working this late. Certainly, she had to be
the only intruder.

Jessica moved
through the room quickly without turning on the light switch. Cardboard boxes
lined rows of shelves. The room seemed far colder than it should be. Storage
room. She moved out into the hallway, shining the flashlight at the walls to
guide her through the building. The place was structured like a maze and it
took another ten minutes of searching frantically through the dark before she
finally managed to find Doctor Chapman’s office.

The door was
locked. And she didn’t have a key. She did, however, have a lock pick set and a
great deal of determination. Another few minutes passed before she gained
entry. Finally, she walked inside the doctor’s office for the second time of
the week.

Once inside,
Jessica shut the door and switched on the lights. The light was brighter than
she’d expected and she squinted until her eyes adjusted. Time was running out.
Shouldn’t the cops have shown up by now? She’d never considered herself to be
very lucky.

Jessica
hurried around to Chapman’s desk and began flinging open unlocked drawers and
cabinets. Frantically, desperately, she searched through what seemed like
dozens of pages of paperwork but found nothing pertinent to her investigation.
She scanned as many files and papers as she could, knowing the moment she
attempted to switch on the computer, the situation would go from bad to worse.

Jessica wiped
sweat from her forehead and took yet another deep breath. The illegal search
had proven futile. And it was too risky to stay any longer. A burst of energy
combined with anger exploded through her veins and she picked a cushioned chair
off the floor and brought it high over her head. The thought of diminishing the
entire office was both delightful and terrifying.

Abruptly,
Jessica stopped and replaced the chair in its position. She hadn’t considered
looking through her own records for anything that could point her in the right
direction. Overwhelmed with new inspiration, she resumed her search, searching
again through drawers and cabinets for written notes on the patients under
Chapman’s care. Finally, she found a red binder with her name taped to the side
of the notebook. She flipped the notebook binder open and scanned its contents.

It didn’t
take long before she found what she was looking for. A half-written
psychological evaluation, roughly fifteen pages in length. Patrick Brenner’s
name seemed to jump right off the pages as she scanned the document.

Jessica
flinched, sensing movement behind her. She turned, instinctively reaching for
her sidearm though she knew it wasn’t there, and probably never would be again.

“Cops’ll be
here soon. Did you lose your sense of time?” Doctor Sarah Chapman asked.

Jessica
swallowed hard. A long time had passed since she’d been caught red-handed.
There was a word that perfectly described the wave of emotions rocking her
body.

Reality.