No Holding Back (4 page)

“
Whatever, man,” she pulled off with a roll of her eyes. “I just wanna play.”

Joe ju
mped up and down in his seat a few times as if someone had invited him to a girls’ sleep over. Chris thought that if she had to act more like a guy than him, then it shouldn’t be too hard. 

Wade nodded.
“Good. Joe!”

“Sup!”
his band member answered back enthusiastically.

“
It’s up to you now, man. Make a man outta her.”

But Jo
e’s head jerked absent-mindedly at the magnitude of such a task.

“
Whoa-whoa-whoa-what!? The hell do I know about teachin’ chicks to be dudes?!” he shrieked. “W-What am I supposed to do if like…chicks-start-hitting-on-her?!”

Despite Joe
’s spirited anxiety, Wade remained absolutely calm. “Grab a camera.”

“
The fuck for?!"

"Because that would be so hot!”

Wade could hardly contain himself and burst into laughter along with Joe. Os merely sighed and shook his head.

Meanwhile, a disgusted Chris
grabbed an empty plastic cup, the only thing within arm’s reach, and flung it at Wade. Wade raised his arms in defense and it bounced off harmlessly and onto the floor.

“You even throw like a girl,”
Wade teased.

“
You guys make it sound like I didn’t have you fooled from the word ‘go’!” Chris stated, trying anything to defend herself from the harassing onslaught.

“
Maybe you did. Maybe you didn’t,” Wade remarked, leaving Chris confused at such a statement. Regardless, Wade propped his legs back up on the couch. “You can hide under your hat all you want, but in the end, we’re just three people. You’ll need to fool
thousands
.”

But as Wade was ready to put his earpiece ba
ck in, Joe interjected with, “But dude!”

“
But ‘what’?!” Wade asked, annoyed.

“
I’ve never had to teach a chick to be a guy before! What the hell am I supposed to do?!”

Despite Joe
’s obvious fear, Wade only smiled at him and then looked directly at Chris. Already, she could feel her skin burn under his death stare.

“
Improvise
.”

Finally, Wade stuck in both
of his earpieces, focusing completely on his music and on the notepad in front of him.  Chris watched as his head bobbed up and down a few times while he jotted down some words, shutting out everything else in the process.

“
What’s he doing?” Chris asked Joe as quietly as she could.  After all, she wasn’t completely sold that he couldn’t hear them despite the blaring music that came from his earpiece.

She wrinkled
her nose when she saw him shove his free hand into his pocket and jingle something that sounded like a coin.

“
He…is prolonging…our continued…success!" Joe said, pointing at make-believe objects in the air.

Chris raised an eyebrow and lo
oked at him confusion.

“Huh?”

“He’s writing songs,” Joe explained, somewhat upset that Chris wasn’t quick to catch onto his oddball humor. “Alright!” Joe said, clapping his hands and rubbing them together. “Let’s
do
this!”

For the next six and a half hours, Chris watched and listened with mind-numbing despair at the goofy kid in front of her that was Joe Bedden. She did her best to pay attention to him but mostly, she stared at him in angst wondering how the hell he ever got into Heretic in the first place. Of course every die-hard fan knew Heretic got their start in Wade’s basement - that was a given. 

Joe was a few years older than Chris and on more than one occasion, she had to stop from laughing as he went on
tangents several times. She did her best to ignore the bouncing blonde dreads that banged into his face and remain serious about the situation, but it wasn’t easy. Sure, she had been to some of their concerts, listened to their music, but one-on-one was something else entirely. Now she knew why Wade was the only one that did interviews for Heretic. She had to stop herself from asking him if he was on drugs.

But despite her first impression
, Joe taught Chris everything there was to know about being a guy - things she practically already knew; crotch rubbings, belching and other forms of noxious gases, reading dirty magazines, watching porn, how to stand, how to pee, how to eat, how to sit, how to sleep. But after a while, Chris was sure Joe was making up some of it and inwardly remarked that his absurdity knew no bounds. She tried insisting that she knew what to do but Joe was on a roll.

In
stead, he went on to tell her how to look at other girls from now on - especially at concerts, but Chris became disgusted and flat out refused. Shortly after, she begged for a reprieve but only after she had ran out of things to throw at him.

Thankful that the ordeal was over for now, Chris leaned her head back onto the couch and exhaled for ages. After their lengthy lesson, she was certain that if any other
girl would have been in her shoes, they would have up and left hours ago regardless of who she was with. But despite her angst at what they wanted her to do, she would have done it, no questions asked. 

Because Chris had only one thi
ng in her heart and on her mind. And she squeezed them so tightly in her hands, they nearly hurt. 

Her drumsticks. 

Hell, she would have shaved her head if they asked her to, but she was secretly hoping they wouldn’t. But what they asked of her hardly came as a surprise. She was more than willing to do it, or anything else for that matter, just to do something that came naturally to her.

She couldn
’t help but reminisce her first night in the band bus. The whole ordeal gave her goose bumps and she still couldn’t shake the butterflies from her stomach. She remembered listening to the three of them snore in their rooms as Pete drove the bus like a veteran truck driver. 

She studied the plush living area in which they all sat, and couldn
’t get over the luxury of it all. At least it was luxury to her; the microfiber couches and chairs, the self-sustaining bathroom complete with a full shower, a vanity, and a sink with more buttons than any TV remote she had ever seen. The kitchen was smaller to accommodate their home on wheels, but it boasted a fridge full of food and cabinets packed with every road snack imaginable. When Chris was sure everyone was asleep, she swiped a stick of beef jerky like a thief in the night and practically inhaled it.

The 30 inch flat screen
TV that loomed above them constantly aired Metal Madness, MTV, or some other show that played music videos, interviews, concerts, etc. But Chris was quick to pick up on something right away; whenever news about Heretic came on, no one said anything - not even Wade. She thought for sure they would delight in any news that expressed how popular they were, but no one stirred. Instead, Chris found it odd that Wade only stared at the television when news about Dark Water came on - Heretic’s long-time nemesis.

Unlike Hess
’ crime, the band’s arch rivalry was no secret.  Every rock enthusiast knew the silent war over which band boasted the most fans and with wars comes choosing sides. It became a common occurrence for followers to start fights at concerts, signings, and other special events. But there wasn’t a doubt in her mind that Chris made the right decision about what she was doing.

It had been a while since her last
‘meal’ and Chris was getting lightheaded and a little hungry again, but pushed aside the escalating pangs for now. She was much too scared to go and get any more food.

She sighed and fell back onto the couch. And as her eyes closed in a daze, she couldn
’t stop herself from smiling like an idiot.

Soon, she thought, she
’d be up on stage with Heretic while she pounded away on her drums. Well, Hess’ drums, but who gives a damn? The thought alone of being able to just
touch
the drums of the guy she once idolized made her shake with excitement. She kept asking herself what it would feel like. 

Soon, very soon.

Her sticks moved in her hands; they itched, they ached.  She tapped lightly at first and then she began to go harder, faster, and she banged on the toms until she heard them ringing in her ears. She heard the overwhelming shatter and crash of the toms and cymbals as she went up and down the line.

“Chris…”

Louder and louder they became. She felt the beat, the drums, and the rhythm.

“Chris!”

She kept going, letting nothing stop her. She felt the song and every note as it came alive in her hands. They stung like mad, but she ignored it. She only cared about the music as it carried her like a marionette on strings.

“CHRIS!”

Chris woke abruptly from her daydream and she felt her heart pounding like thunder from within her chest. But more importantly, she felt a little pissed that someone jerked her from her zone.

“What?!”
she asked rudely, but regretted her attitude when she looked at Wade.

“
I called your name like a dozen times. You do that shit all the time?” he asked.

Meanwhile,
Joe and Os stared at her so intensely, her face started to burn, but she knew they had the same nagging question and so she did her best to fish for an answer.

“
I-It’s nothing. I just got a little carried away.”

Wade shook his head in disbelief.

“
Alright, whatever. Get your stuff and come with me.”

Chris
wondered what was going on, but when she looked to Joe for answers, her only gave her an absurd grin. Knowing she would get nothing more, she turned and followed Wade obediently.

Chris fisted her drumsticks and grabbed her backpack and stopped short of Wade near the back of the bus. 

“This is where you can bed down.”

As soon as Wade slid the plastic partition
aside, Chris stared in awe at the part of the bus that was all hers.

“
This…was Hess’ room,” he began with some difficulty. "But as you probably already know, no one’s slept here for months. Sheets and bed are clean and they’re all yours.”

Chris
held her breath as she crossed the threshold into Hess’ room. It was a lot to take for her to take in and she couldn’t help but stare at the bed as though it was a priceless artifact in a museum.

Chris thought for sure she would die
happy now.  As she looked about her small living quarters, she was on cloud nine.  Despite the charges against Hess, she didn’t feel any less fortunate standing in the same room where Josh Hennison lived and breathed.

“
Let me know if you need anything,” Wade said, almost startling from her daydreaming. “Enjoy,” was the last thing he said before he gave her a fake smile and disappeared behind the partition.

Now that she was alone, Chris
spun in a complete circle while she stood in the middle of the room, trying to take in the fact that this was all hers; a small room, a small bed with a few pieces of trash on the carpeted floor - nothing she couldn’t handle. Then, she walked over to what looked like a closet and slid one of the metal doors to the side. Inside, there was nothing but a few empty hangers, beer cans, and cigarette butts. After she added her backpack to the mess, she closed it again.

When she looked at the wall on the other side of the room, she saw a
large cork board hanging at eye level. She inspected it as she walked closer and found that it was nearly filled to the brim with pictures, ticket stubs, phone numbers, and other paraphernalia about the bands’ success. Upon closer inspection, she noticed that nearly all of them were of Os and Hess with just a few others of partially nude groupies. It struck her as odd when she saw more pictures of the two of them than anyone else, but didn’t give it any further thought. Now, she only wanted to sleep in a real bed. And so she plopped down on the mattress, pulled the blinds on the only window in her room, and fell into a welcomed mess of pillows and blankets.

“Chris!”

Pounding came from just outside her door. That, or she shared her room with a thunderstorm.

“Yo! Chris!”

She got to her feet but was disoriented in the darkness. She
fumbled around trying to find the small latch on the partition, but if it hadn’t been for Wade’s voice, she would have completely forgotten where she was.

Finally, she found
the latch and slid the partition open a crack.

“Yeah?” she croaked out.

“Whoa, sorry. Did I wake you?”

Chris rubbed the blurry vision of Wade f
rom her eyes and shook her head a few times.

“Where are we? What time is it?”
she asked. She looked behind her at the window, but the shades were drawn. Still, she knew it was pitch black outside.

“We
’re about an hour from Vegas. It’s almost midnight a-.”

“We
’re not moving?” she noticed.

“Correct
. We stopped just across the street to get some food. You game?”

“You…
want me to go in with you guys?”

At first,
Wade was caught a little off guard by her question.

“Why wouldn
’t we? Besides, we won’t need you disguised until we get to California. So just come in and hang out with us.”

Wade tried to sound optimistic and upbeat but Chris wasn
’t buying.

“It
’s probably better if I just stay here. Could you bring something back for me?”

Wade felt a pang of guilt for what he was asking Chris to do while with Heretic, but he did hi
s best to put it aside for now - for the love of music.

He nodd
ed and licked his lips. “Okay, you got it. What do you want?”

“Dude! Wade! C
’mon, man! I’m hungry!” Os groaned from the front.

“In a
minute
!” he shot back. “Look: are you sure you don’t wanna come? I can ju-.”

“Yeah.
I’m sure. Just get me somethin’ with fries!” she said a little too excitedly.

“Fuck you, man! I
’m goin’!” came Os’ angry voice again.

Even though Chris couldn
’t see him, she glared in Os’ direction and thought it wouldn’t hurt him to miss a meal.

“They
’re not gonna run outta food, fat ass!” Wade retorted. Chris smiled when Wade voiced her thoughts for her, but when he looked back at her, she tried hiding her delight behind her sleeve. “Look, we’ll be back in about an hour, alright?”

She nodded, “Okay,
” but Wade had already left.

Chris
waited by her doorway a few moments longer until she felt a shift of weight leaving the bus. Soon, all was silent again. She went over to the window by the bed and saw that even Pete accompanied them into the diner. When she knew she had the bus to herself, she sprawled back out on the bed and yawned, feeling her eyes close on her again.

Wade was thankful that Pete spotted the run-down diner before they hit the big city. If they had stopped in Vegas, there
’d be no way in hell they could enjoy a hot meal before being discovered by music fans. From the start, Heretic learned right away to avoid popular restaurants altogether.

Mike had spilled the beans earlier that he was being hounded from all sides asking about Heretic
’s new drummer, but his agent hadn’t spilled a single word - just the way Wade liked it. Wade resolved to put up with the ruthless onslaught of the media for the rest of his life if he had to, just so they could go on playing. But at that moment, all he wanted was a little peace and quiet.

They all sat in relative silence at the table; Pete with his monstrous bowl of chili, Joe with his BBQ beef, Os had a Rueben and fries
, and Wade had already devoured all of his poor boy with au jus. He gripped the white Styrofoam container that held Chris’ meal and got up from his seat preparing to walk back to the bus.

“Hey, Os. Get the
tip, will ya? I’m headin’ back.”

Wade wiped his mouth with his napkin and grab
bed the ticket off the table while his brother belched in response.

He walked up to
the counter, handed the cashier a few twenties and tucked the container under his arm.

With
stomachs full and moods considerably lifted, they all left the dimly lit diner and headed back to their traveling home.

Pete unlocked the bus and went in first
. He took his seat behind the wheel and sat there waiting for his usual go-ahead to take off down the road.

“Chris! Chow time!”
Wade called out but there was no answer. "Yo! CHRIS!" he called out again, but he was met with same silence.

He placed her food on the table while Joe took a seat at the booth.
Wade then shuffled back to Chris’ room just as the bus roared to life.

“
Chris, we brought you…” As Wade cracked open the door, he found the room empty. “…food.”

Puzzled, Wade closed the door wondering where the hell she could be.
Just then, a fleeting thought grabbed hold of Wade and he feared that somehow Chris had changed her mind about being a guy in Heretic, and ran away.

“
Man, that sandwich is hell on my gut,” Wade heard Os moan. But his brother’s indigestion was the least of his worries. In a panic, he began to search the rest of the bus while Os continued complaining. “I gotta take a sh-.” 

As Os opened the door to the bathroom, he
expected to see the toilet, but was blood-curdling scream instead. Os had unknowingly opened the door revealing Chris just as she had quickly finished putting on a towel.

“SHHIIIIT!”
he howled.

Os slammed the door shut in disgust and
closed his eyes as if trying anything to get the image of his naked mom out of his mind.  But when he opened them again, he saw something that was equally repulsive.

“
What the hell is going on?” Wade asked as he rushed to the front.

But Wade appeared just in tim
e to see Chris emerge from the bathroom. However, her towel now more tightly wrapped around her and better adjusted. He flushed slightly and tried to look away, but in the end, he was relieved that she didn’t run off after all.

“
What the hell do you think you’re doing, dumbshit!? Did you forget how to fucking knock?!”

Chris fumed
Os’ direction but he ignored her tirade, choosing instead to focus on something else entirely.

“
What the fuck is this
shit
!?” 

Os reached for a pink box
, holding it by the lid by two fingers, as if the mere act of touching it was painful to him.  Chris was mortified as Os openly displayed her tampons in front of Heretic.

Incensed at Os for embarrassing her, she snatched it
easily from his lumbering hand. “What the hell do you
think
they are, moron!? Cigarettes!?  Tell you what, why don’t you take your fat ass outside and smoke one?!”

“THAT
’S ENOUGH!” 

After Wade had exploded, they both became dead silent and
just in time. Despite Chris’ obvious height and weight disadvantage, she fearlessly came face to face with Os ready for a brawl. Wade admired her courage, but this wasn’t the peace and quiet he was hoping for. When he looked at Joe, his friend appeared too scared to blink, as if one wrong move would start another chain reaction.

“
Os? Sit. Down,” Wade commanded, but Os did no such thing.

“
You think you’re good little girl? Well let’s just get one thing straight:
No
one can replace Hess. You got that?”

“
That’s enough, Os,” Wade said in growing irritation. 

But despite the fact that he was on thin ice, Os continued to hone in on Chris even more.

“Not even some homeless runaway with a cute little ‘cup trick’!”

“
Did you hear me!? I said that’s
enough
!"”

Wade screamed at Os
even louder and while he seemed to get the message that time, the damage had already been done. Wade watched as Chris’ lip quivered with such anger, he thought she would strike Os. And he was sure she would lose it completely when Os rudely brushed past her but she managed to hold it in, her small frame just barely able to contain her hulk-like rage. When Os did as he was told, he went to the front and fell down into his chair.

And now as Wade stood next to Chris, he
took a single meditative breath thinking that this something he definitely didn’t need.

Despite it all, Wade
desperately tried to ignore the steady drops of water that clung to her skin. Just an hour ago, she was a guy. Now, he stole over her chest as several streams of water glided down the middle of her breasts.

He fought to get a hold of himself and
cleared his throat a few times while Chris stared off into the empty space in front of her.

Finally, he nodded t
owards her room and whispered, “Why don’t you uhm…” he began, swallowing the growing knot. “Go get some clothes on?”

Wade forced himself to stare
through Chris rather than at her, but she silently obeyed and walked back to her room with her hair still dripping wet.

Just before she disappeared
down the hallway, Wade looked at her again just long enough to spot an unusual tattoo on her back. He almost didn’t see it since it very nearly hidden by her long hair. But there was no mistaking the bleeding heart surrounded by more barbed wire on her right shoulder blade. He recalled the barbed wire tattoos he saw on her wrists earlier and wondered if they were all connected somehow.

But
for the time being, he shook his head of it and of the fact that only a towel separated him from her nudity. Remembering why he was angry to begin with, he stormed over to Os.

“OS!”
Wade bellowed, intent on breaking the sound barrier. “What the fuck, man? What the hell was
that
about?”

“Oh c
’mon, man! I
told
you that this bullshit would come-!”

But Wade had already heard enough.

“The only
bullshit
I see here is the drama you’re starting!” Wade came forward and got directly into Os’ face. “You know? Sometimes I wonder who the
girl
is on this bus.”

Os sneered back up at his younger brother but he
knew it wouldn’t do any good to retort. After all, Os had used all of them before and to no avail. But that didn’t stop Wade from reminding his brother who was in charge and so he honed in on him even more, clenching the fabric of his brothers’ arm rests until his knuckles turned white.

“You
’d better get this through your thick skull, Os: Hess is gone.”

“But it
’s ju-!”

“
Gone
! And as far as I’m concerned, he can
rot
in prison for the rest of his life! Come California? You’re going to forget that Chris is a girl and start acting like she’s a part of this group!  And if I hear so much as a whisper that you’ve gave away who Chris really is - I’ll toss you from Heretic faster than Hess!”

After driving home the point,
Wade unleashed a balled fist.  For a moment, Os braced himself thinking he was going to get hit again, but instead, it connected with Pete’s plastic cubicle two times making Os jump in surprise.

Pete, knowing his queue, started the engine and pulled the lumbering bus forward back out onto the road.
Defeated, all Os could do was hang his head stare at the floor.

Wade
maintained eye contact with his brother until he snatched Chris’ meal and made off towards her room. But even after Wade had left, Os did nothing but pout as Pete lead them all back onto the interstate.

A rapt came at Chris
’ door again – but so soft this time that she almost didn’t hear it. After all, her eardrums were still ringing from Wade’s tantrum. It didn’t feel right to her that she had heard every word and wished at once she hadn’t. She only wanted to play her drums, not start a war. While she was thankful that Wade came to her defense, she became an emotional wreck within moments and wiped her eyes with her sleeve before answering.

“I
’m decent,” she acknowledged with a roll of her eyes. “If you’re wondering.”

Wade tore open the partition and entered Chris
’ room. While he tried to appear less threatening, he noticed that Chris still pulled her legs into her in a defensive manner, trying to put as much space between them as possible.