No More Mr. Nice Guy! (13 page)

In time, they also learn that boundary setting isn't about getting other people to be different, but about getting themselves to be different. If someone is crossing their boundary, it isn't the other person's problem, it is theirs.

Because of memory fear, Nice Guys often unconsciously reinforce the very behaviors they find intolerable.
Due to their childhood conditioning, they teach the people around them that they will
accept having their boundaries violated.
As recovering Nice Guys begin to take responsibility for how they let people treat them, their own behavior begins to change. As they stop reinforcing things they aren't willing to tolerate, the people around them are given the opportunity to behave differently. This gives relationships a chance to survive and grow.

Jake, an enlisted man in his mid-twenties, is a good example of how tolerating intolerable behavior can kill a relationship, and how setting boundaries can give a relationship a chance to survive.

Just prior to his marriage to his wife Kisha, Kisha had an affair with an old boyfriend. Because Jake didn't want to lose her, he forgave her and promised to never bring up her infidelity. This established a pattern of Kisha pretty much doing whatever she wanted while Jake withheld his feelings and walked on eggshells. He would always measure his words in order to avoid saying anything "wrong" that might upset her.

On one occasion, while they were out drinking with some friends, Kisha got drunk. Whenever she had too much to drink she would become belligerent and promiscuous. On this occasion she made several demeaning remarks to Jake and spent most of the evening slow dancing with other men in the bar.

After holding his tongue as long as he could, Jake finally told Kisha that she was drunk and that it was time to go home. She swore at him and kept on doing what she was doing. Jake retaliated by calling her a "bitch" and drove home.

One of her friends brought Kisha home the next morning. For the rest of the day she gave Jake the silent treatment. He tried to hold out, but after a few hours of misery, he apologized for calling her a bitch.

Later that week, he somewhat reluctantly talked about the episode in his No More Mr. Nice Guy! group.

The group members lovingly confronted him. They pointed out how his willingness to tolerate his wife's intolerable behavior gave her a license to act in any way she pleased. They told Jake that the problem was not Kisha, it was him. Until Jake changed, his wife would have no incentive to change. By not setting boundaries he was robbing his marriage of the opportunity to become what it could be.

The next day, Jake confronted his wife. He acknowledged his role in their situation. He told her that he was no longer going to tolerate intolerable behavior. He told her his boundaries. He would no longer tolerate Kisha dancing or flirting with other men. He would not tolerate her demeaning him in front of their friends. He told her that if she wanted to stay married to him, she had to go to treatment for her drinking problem.

Kisha responded by telling Jake that no one was going to tell her what to do. She packed a bag and moved out that night to a friend's house. Even though Jake was miserable the next few days, he resisted the temptation to call her and beg her to come back. Instead, he called some guys in the group.

Three nights later, Kisha called and said she wanted to talk. She came over and told Jake that even though she initially wanted to tell him to go to hell, she knew he was right. For the first time in their marriage, she said she felt respect for him. She said she wanted to save their marriage and was willing to do whatever it took to make it work. The following week Kisha entered treatment.

Breaking Free Activity #23

Before you can start setting boundaries, you have to become aware of how much you back up
from your line to avoid conflict or to keep the peace. For the next week, observe yourself. Do you
say "yes" when you would rather say "no"? Do you agree to do something to avoid conflict? Do
you avoid doing something because someone might get upset at you? Do you tolerate an
intolerable situation, hoping that it will just go away? Write these observations down and share
them with a safe person.

Take A Walk On The Wild Side

There is no "key" to a smooth life. Being "good" or doing it "right" doesn't insulate Nice Guys from the chaotic, ever-changing realities of life. All the Nice Guy paradigm does is create wimpy men who allow bullies to kick sand in their face or shame them for loading the dishwasher "wrong."

As recovering Nice Guys begin to surrender, dwell in reality, express their feelings, face their fears, develop integrity, and set boundaries, they access a power that allows them to welcome and embrace the challenges and "gifts" of life. Life isn't a merry-go-round, it's a roller coaster. As they reclaim personal power, recovering Nice Guys can experience the world in all of its serendipitous beauty. Life won't always be smooth, it may not always be pretty, but it will be an adventure — one not to be missed.

Chapter

Reclaim Your

Masculinity

Contrary to the prevailing sentiments of the last few decades, it is OK to be a guy.

Men born after World War II had the misfortune of growing up during the only era of recent western history in which it was not always a good thing to be male. This was primarily the result of two significant family and social changes in the post war era: 1) boys were disconnected from their fathers and other healthy male role models, and 2) boys were forced to seek approval from women and accept a female definition of what it meant to be male.

As a result of these two dynamics, many boys and men came to believe that they had to hide or eliminate any negative male traits (like those of their fathers or other "bad" men) and become what they believed women wanted them to be. For many men, this life strategy seemed essential if they wanted to be loved, get their needs met, and have a smooth life.

Due to the continuing social change of the last half of the 20th century, this belief system is no longer limited to just men of the baby boom generation. I frequently observe men in their thirties, twenties, and teens, with strong Nice Guy traits. It seems that each successive generation of men are becoming more and more passive.

This social conditioning effects Nice Guys in many ways:

● Nice Guys tend to be disconnected from other men.

● Nice Guys tend to be disconnected from their own masculinity.

● Nice Guys tend to be monogamous to their mothers.

● Nice Guys tend to be dependent on the approval of women.

Nice Guys Tend To Be Disconnected From Other Men.

I frequently hear Nice Guys make comments such as:

● "I'm just not comfortable with other men. I don't know what to talk about."

● "Most men are jerks."

● "I used to have male friends, but my wife made it such a hassle to do things with them that I just gave up."

● "I tend to be a loner."

Many Nice Guys have difficulty connecting with men because of the limited positive male contact they experienced in childhood. Because these men did not have a positive bond with their father, they never learned the basic skills necessary to build meaningful relationships with men.

Another common trait among Nice Guys is the belief that they are different from other men. This distorted thinking usually began in childhood when they tried to be different from their "bad" or unavailable father. In adulthood, Nice Guys often create a similar dynamic with men in general. Nice Guys may convince themselves they are different from (better than) other men because they believe:

● They aren't controlling.

● They aren't angry and rageful.

● They aren't violent.

● They are attentive to a woman's needs.

● They are good lovers.

● They are good fathers.

As long as Nice Guys are disconnected from men or believe they are different from other men, they cut themselves off from the many positive benefits of male companionship and the power of a masculine community.

Breaking Free Activity #24

Look over the list above. Note the ways you have consciously or unconsciously tried to be different
from your father and/or other men. How does the belief that you are different keep you
disconnected from other men?

Nice Guys Tend To Be Disconnected From Their Masculinity

I define masculinity as that part of a man that equips him to survive as an individual, clan, and
species
. Without this masculine energy we would have all become extinct eons ago. Masculinity empowers a man to create and produce. It also empowers him provide for and protect those who are important to him. These aspects of masculinity include strength, discipline, courage, passion, persistence, and integrity.

Masculine energy also represents the potential for aggressiveness, destructiveness, and brutality. These characteristics frighten Nice Guys — and most women — therefore Nice Guys work especially hard to repress these traits.

Most Nice Guys believe that by repressing the darker side of their masculine energy they will win the approval of women. This seems logical considering the anti-male climate that has permeated our culture since the 1960s. Ironically, these same men frequently complain that women seemed to be attracted to

"jerks" rather than Nice Guys like them. Many women have shared with me that due to the absence of any discernible life energy in Nice Guys, there is little to be attracted to. They also reveal that their tendency to be attracted to "jerks" is because these men have more of a masculine edge to them.

As Nice Guys try to avoid the dark side of their masculinity, they also repress many other aspects of this male energy force. As a result, they often lose their sexual assertiveness, competitiveness, creativity, ego, thirst for experience, boisterousness, exhibitionism, and power. Go watch little boys on the playground and you will see these qualities. I am convinced that these are good things worth keeping.

One of the most visible consequences of the repression of masculine energy in Nice Guys is their lack of leadership in their families. Out of fear of upsetting their partner or appearing too much like their controlling, authoritarian, or abusive fathers, Nice Guys frequently fail to be the leader their family needs. Consequently, the job of leading the family often falls on their wives. Most of the women I talk to don't want this job, but end up taking it by default.

Nice Guys Tend To Be Monogamous To Their Mothers

Becoming and remaining monogamous to their mothers is a common pattern for Nice Guys. This unconscious bond is the result of a normal childhood developmental phenomenon gone amuck. Let me explain.

All little boys naturally fall in love with their mother and desire to have her all to themselves. Healthy mothers and fathers help their sons successfully move through this normal developmental stage. As they do, the young boy individuates from his mother, bonds with men, and becomes available for an intimate relationship with another woman in adulthood.

Each parent plays a significant role in facilitating this healthy transition. First, the mother must know how to give enough to meet the child's needs without creating dependency. She must also know how to get her own needs met so she is not tempted to use her son to fill the void. Second, the father must be present and have a healthy bond with his son. This connection helps the little boy move from the cozy lap of his mother to the challenging world of men.

As stated above, most Nice Guys do not report having had close a relationship with their father in childhood. As a result, many Nice Guys were forced into an unhealthy bond with their mother. This bond might have formed if they had to please an angry, critical, or controlling mother. More often than not, the bond was the result of being forced to take care of a needy, dependent, or smothering mother.

Without a supportive father, these boys had to negotiate an impossible situation on their own.

Both childhood situations — trying to please an angry or controlling mother, or becoming mother's little partner — created a dynamic in which Nice Guys unconsciously became monogamous to their mothers and did not
individuate
in a healthy way.

When a Nice Guy has been conditioned to be monogamous to his mother in childhood, his adult partner will know at some level that he is not really available. The partner may not consciously connect this to his bond with his mother, but she knows something is missing.

Anita, a woman in her late fifties, was married to a man who was monogamous to his mother. I met Anita when she called and made an appointment for individual counseling. She believed her husband was having an affair and she wanted some advice. As we began our session she sat down on the couch and smiled nervously.

"I feel so foolish coming here, but I just don't know who to talk to. I feel crazy, because I think my husband is having an affair with his secretary. He denies it but I know something is going on, there's just too much evidence."