No More Mr. Nice Guy! (11 page)

Chapter

Reclaim Your

Personal Power

One Saturday morning a few years back, my wife Elizabeth and I engaged in a heated discussion over something I had done. Like many of our arguments, Elizabeth felt helpless to get me to see my denial.

At the same time, I felt unjustly persecuted. Finally, when the argument reached an emotional crescendo, Elizabeth shouted in frustration,

"You're nothing but a wimp!"

Elizabeth left the room and I retreated to the bathroom to dry my eyes.

After a few minutes of reflection, Elizabeth knocked on the bathroom door. I assumed she was coming back to take another stab at her wounded prey. Instead she apologized.

"I'm sorry for calling you a wimp. That wasn't fair."

"Actually," I responded, wiping a tear away, "It was the most accurate thing you said all morning."

Nice Guys are wimps. This may not sound like a nice thing to say, but it's true. Nice Guys tend to be wimpy victims because their life paradigm and childhood survival mechanisms require them to sacrifice their personal power.

As stated in previous chapters, a common denominator for Nice Guys is that they did not get their needs met in a timely, healthy fashion in childhood. These little boys were helpless to prevent people from abandoning them, neglecting them, abusing them, using them, or smothering them. They
were
victims to the people who failed to love them, pay attention to them, meet their needs, and protect them.

As a result of these childhood experiences, feeling like a victim feels familiar for most Nice Guys. These men tend to see others as causing the problems they are experiencing in life. As a consequence, they often feel frustrated, helpless, resentful, and rageful. You can see it in their body language. You can hear it in their voices.

"It's not fair."

"How come she gets to make the rules?"

"I always give more than I get."

"If she would just. . . ."

A Paradigm Of Powerlessness

In an attempt to cope with their childhood abandonment experiences, all Nice Guys developed the same paradigm: "If I am good, then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life."

Unfortunately, this paradigm not only produces the opposite of what is desired, it guarantees nothing but feelings of perpetual powerlessness.

Even though Nice Guys are obsessed with trying to create a smooth, problem-free life, two major factors prevent them from attaining this goal. The first is that they are attempting the impossible. Life is
not
smooth. Human existence is by nature chaotic. Life is filled with experiences that are unpredictable and beyond anyone's control. Therefore, trying to create a predictable life in which everything always goes as planned is an exercise in futility.

In spite of the fact that we live in a chaotic, unpredictable world, Nice Guys are not only convinced that life can be smooth, they believe it
should
be. This belief is the direct result of their childhood abandonment experiences. The unpredictability of not having their needs met in a timely, judicious fashion was not only frightening, it was potentially life-threatening.

In attempt to cope with the uncertainty of their chaotic childhood, Nice Guys developed a belief
system that if they could just do everything right, then everything would go right in their lives.

Sometimes these men also developed belief systems that their childhood was ideal and problem-free (the opposite of reality) in order to cope with their abandonment experiences. These were all distorted beliefs, but these illusions helped these helpless little boys deal with the turmoil that was out of their control.

A second reason Nice Guys never accomplish their goal of having a smooth life is that they do the opposite of what works. By approaching adult situations with survival mechanisms that were formed when they were naive and powerless, they are insured of having very little success in creating anything that resembles stability in their lives.

The dependence on these ineffective survival mechanisms keeps Nice Guys trapped in the memory of their fearful childhood experiences and perpetuates a vicious cycle. The more frightened they are, the more they use their childhood survival mechanisms. The more they use these ineffective mechanisms, the less successful they are at negotiating the complexities, challenges and ambiguities of life. The less successful they are, the more fearful they become . . . you get the picture.

Breaking Free Activity #17

Look over the following list of ways Nice Guys try to create a smooth, problem-free life. Write
down an example of how you used each coping mechanism in childhood. Then, next to each, give
an example of how you use this strategy to try to control your world in adulthood. Note how each
of these behaviors keeps you feeling like a powerless victim. Share this information with a safe
person.

●
Doing it right.

●
Playing it safe.

●
Anticipating and fixing.

●
Trying not to rock the boat.

●
Being charming and helpful.

●
Never being a moment's problem.

●
Using covert contracts.

●
Controlling and manipulating.

●
Caretaking and pleasing.

●
Withholding information.

●
Repressing feelings.

●
Making sure other people don't have feelings.

●
Avoiding problems and difficult situations.

Overcoming The Wimp Factor — Reclaiming Personal Power

I define
personal power
as a state of mind in which a person is confident he can handle whatever may come. This kind of power not only successfully deals with problems, challenges and adversity, it actually welcomes them, meets them head on, and is thankful for them. Personal power isn't the absence of fear. Even the most powerful people have fear. Personal power is the result of feeling fear, but not giving in to the fear.

There is a solution to the helplessness and vulnerability Nice Guys feel. Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome allows Nice Guys to embrace the personal power that is their birthright. Reclaiming personal power includes:

● Surrendering.

● Dwelling in reality.

● Expressing feelings.

● Facing fears.

● Developing integrity.

● Setting boundaries.

Surrendering Helps Nice Guys

Reclaim Their Personal Power

Ironically, the most important aspect of reclaiming personal power and getting what one wants in love and life is
surrender.
Surrender doesn't mean giving up, it means letting go of what one can't change and changing what one can.

Letting go doesn't mean not caring or not trying. Letting go means letting be. It is like opening up a tightly clenched fist and releasing the tension stored inside. At first the fingers will want to return to their former clenched position. The hand almost has to be retrained to open up and relax. So it is with learning how to surrender and let go.

Surrender allows recovering Nice Guys to let go and respond to life's complex beauty, rather than trying to control it. Surrender allows these men to see life as a laboratory for learning, growth, and creativity.

Surrender allows recovering Nice Guys to see each life experience as a "gift" from the universe to
stimulate growth, healing and learning.
Instead of asking, "Why is this happening to me?" the recovering Nice Guy can respond to life's challenges by pondering, "What do I need to learn from this situation?"

Gil exemplifies the process of letting go. Gil had reached a crisis point in his relationship with his girlfriend Barb. Gil had originally begun couples counseling with Barb to "fix" her problem. He claimed that she was depressed, angry all the time, and had no interest in sex. He reported that he constantly walked on eggshells, trying to make sure he never did anything to upset her.

Gil and Barb were both in their early fifties and had been living together for eight years. They had discussed marriage, but both felt apprehension due to the unsettled nature of their relationship. After a couple months of couples counseling, Gil began to entertain the idea that all the problems in the relationship might not be about Barb. He began looking at his own caretaking and controlling behavior.

He also became aware that he had few outside interests and no male friends. After a couple more months, he joined a No More Mr. Nice Guy! men's group.

Even as Gil began to look at his own problems and ineffective life patterns, he kept seeking the "key" for making Barb better. It was a slow process, but Gil began to see that he could not do anything to change Barb and that he was going to have to focus on himself. As he began to let go and detach from Barb he felt tremendous anxiety. He had a deep fear that he was going to "get in trouble." He also believed that Barb couldn't handle her problems without his help.

With the support of the group, Gil surrendered. He came to realize that he would be OK regardless of whether he and Barb made it as a couple. Much to his surprise, their relationship began to improve. As he let go of trying to solve her problems and detached from her moods, Gil found that he had fewer frustrations and resentments. He even began to see Barb as a "gift" to help him work through his issues with his angry father.

A year later he announced to his men's group that he and Barb had set a date to get married. He reported that they were getting along better than he would have ever imagined. He shared that the turning point seemed to be when he made the decision that he didn't care whether they made it together or not. That decision represented a conscious letting go of trying to control something that was clearly not in his control. Ironically, he shared that the process of letting go allowed him to receive what he really wanted.

Breaking Free Activity #18

Think about one "gift" from the universe which you initially resisted but can now be seen as a
positive stimulus for growth or discovery.

Are there any similar gifts in your life right now to which you need to surrender?

Share this information with a safe person.

Dwelling In Reality Helps Nice Guys Reclaim Their Personal Power
Nice Guys try to control their world by creating belief systems about people and situations that are not based in reality. They then act as if these beliefs are accurate. This is why their behavior often seems illogical to outside observers.

Les, an unassuming man in his late thirties, had a brief affair with a co-worker. During his initial therapy session I asked Les why he thought he had an affair. "I don't know," he replied, "I guess I just wanted some attention."

I continued by asking him how he expressed his anger toward his wife. With a puzzled look, he responded, "I never get angry at Sarah."

"You mean you two have been married for 10 years and she's never done anything to piss you off?" I asked in mock surprise.

To listen to Les talk about his wife, it was evident he had her on a pedestal. It was as equally clear that he was not dwelling in reality when it came to his marriage. When I asked specific questions about his wife, Les revealed how Sarah had gained 60 pounds since they married, refused to cook, was depressed, no longer wanted to have sex with him, treated him with contempt, and would rage at him without provocation. In spite of all these things, Les maintained that his wife was the woman of his dreams and that he loved her dearly.

Throughout the next few months of therapy, I consistently held up a mirror of reality to Les in regard to his wife and his relationship with her. This was a slow and difficult process. Les needed to see Sarah in a certain way because of his fear of being alone. To dwell in reality might mean he would have to do something frightening or difficult.

As Les began to face his fears of abandonment he also began to see his wife more accurately. This change allowed him to start asking for what he wanted, set boundaries, and express his feelings of resentment and anger. It soon became apparent that Sarah had no desire to look at her role in the relationship or make any kind of changes. Though it was painful and frightening, accepting things as they really were allowed Les to make the decision to move out and file for divorce.

Dwelling in reality allowed Les to look at why he had created the kind of system he had with Sarah. It put him in a position to make difficult but realistic decisions. It allowed him to access the inner power he needed to make significant changes in his life. It also opened the door for him to find someone who was available to help him create the kind of relationship he wanted.

Breaking Free Activity #19

Pick one area in your life in which you routinely feel frustrated or out of control. Step back from
the situation. Is the difficulty you are having with the situation the result of you trying to project
the reality you want to believe onto it? If you had to accept the reality of this situation, how might
you change your response to it?