No Regrets: A Novel of Love and Lies in World War II England (The Thornton Trilogy Book 1) (22 page)

“Sloan, have you lost your mind?” her brother demanded.

“Hello, Josef. At the moment I’m not sure. I think I may be losing it now. Why are you ringing me?”

“Why? I think you know why. I don’t want to discuss this on the phone. Meet me at the pub in a quarter of an hour. Don’t say you won’t, because if you aren’t there, I’ll show up at
Highcroft Hall
. I don’t think you’ll want everyone there to hear what I have to say.”

Sloan’s mouth formed a firm, straight line. “I’ll be there, Josef,” he answered and rang off.

***

A half hour later they were seated in a secluded booth at the local pub. Each had a glass of ale in front of him, but neither was there to drink. Josef started the conversation. He had no intention of letting Sloan say a word until he’d said what he’d come to say.

“I intend to get a few things straight with you, my friend,” he began. “First off, Elise is a good, decent, moral woman. Any information you have to the contrary is absolute rubbish.”

Sloan opened his mouth to speak, but Josef held his hand up in the air. “If you say one word before I’m finished, I’ll shut your mouth for you. Do you understand?”

“All right,” Sloan answered, sullenly.

“Good. Now, I’m going to start at the beginning and tell you exactly what a fool you are. When I’ve finished telling you the true story, you can say anything you like. If you aren’t appalled at your behavior, I’ll be amazed.”

Josef went on to tell Sloan the entire story. Sloan heard about how Elise had endured the rape of three disgusting, drunk Nazis; he learned about how she’d had the wherewithal to pull herself together after that hideous experience and devise a plan to escape France; he listened while Josef told him about how Elise had gone to her neighbour and was directed to a boarding house in Brighton, named
Maison de Violette
; he found out that she’d been fortunate enough to be picked up by a fishing trawler in the English Channel, and had gone to Brighton; he was made aware that she was so naïve and innocent, she hadn’t even known
Maison de Violette
was a brothel, even after she was inside of the house; he listened to Josef tell of the agony she’d gone through when she learned she was expecting a baby – of how she’d debated whether or not to have the child adopted, or whether to keep it; he heard Joseph tell of the pain, and of Elise’s strength and courage once she’d decided to have the baby and raise it alone; and he wept when he found out how Elise had decided to leave the place where she’d been treated kindly, to make certain Chloe had a decent, moral upbringing.

The rest was trivial. Of course she’d changed her name; of course she’d purchased a wedding ring. She had a little girl to consider, and she would have done anything to shield her from rumor, innuendo, gossip, and cruelty. Chloe was her life. She didn’t trust anyone else. Later, she learned to trust Giselle, and, in time, she added Anne to that list. Wasn’t that funny? Anne! Lastly, she’d made the mistake of trusting Sloan. And what had Sloan done? He’d stormed into her home, like the Nazis, and viciously robbed her of the last bit of self-esteem. He’d brutally punished her for something she hadn’t done - for a merciless act, perpetuated by a gang of madmen.

Josef sat back against the wall. He was finished talking. There was complete disgust in his voice. He took a long drink of the ale. Sloan sat in front of him, with his head hung low. His hands went up to his temples. Josef could see tears.

“My God! What have I done? What have I done? How can I ever undo it?” He looked up at Josef with red-rimmed eyes. “Tell me what to do. I don’t know what to do. I love her, Josef. I can’t believe I hurt her like this, when I love her so. Is there any chance she might ever forgive me? I said ghastly things to her. I deserve to be horsewhipped.”

“Yes, you do. I agree,” Josef answered. “As to whether she could ever forgive you, I can’t say. I’ve never seen her so crushed. Obviously, I wasn’t there when the Nazis came, but I can’t imagine that they hurt her soul as much as you did. They took away her dignity and violated her. But you wounded her to the core. She didn’t have any emotional ties to them. She loved you. I don’t think I could forgive you, but I’m not Elise. She’s an incredible lady. If anyone on this earth has the capacity to forgive such rotten behavior, it would be Elise. Frankly, if I were you, I’d begin by speaking to Lady Anne Whitfield, in the same tone that you used with Elise. Anne is certainly a princess, isn’t she?”

“Anne? What she’s done is deplorable. I see it all so clearly now. What a fool I was to ever believe she’d accepted my love of Elise. But it doesn’t matter. I’m the one who believed her. Oh yes, I’ll speak to her all right. But that isn’t going to help. Elise will eventually know that I’m terribly sorry - she’ll probably hear that I had a go-round with Anne. But obviously what Elise is broken-hearted about is that I didn’t love her enough to trust her. Nor to let her explain everything to me. I acted like a lout. I probably reminded her of those Nazi swine.”

“Yes. I think you probably did. I suspect all of the rage she’s held inside about the rape came pouring out. Twice someone has invaded her home and placed her in an untenable situation. She must have felt powerless toward you. She kept saying to me that you wouldn’t let her talk – wouldn’t listen to her. My God, Sloan, I would never have thought you could be so cruel.”

“Josef, I’ve never acted like that in my life. The thought of those filthy Nazis and Elise made me daft. Unfortunately, I believed Anne. I thought Elise had played me for a fool. I should have known better. There isn’t a mean, conniving bone in her body. But Anne was so convincing. She must have practiced for a long time. She had so many facts – so many details –she even provided the names of two women who worked with Elise in the brothel.”

“Damn you, Sloan. Elise
did not
work in the brothel. Can’t you get that through your head? She stayed there, under the care of that kind woman - Violette. She had nothing to do with the business.”

“I know, I know. I was just repeating what Anne said. Anyway, she said if I didn’t believe her, I should go to Brighton and talk with Lana or Adele. That they would tell me the truth.”

“I suppose now you’re considering a trip to Brighton. In other words, you
still
don’t believe what I’ve told you. My God, Sloan. You don’t deserve to win her back if, after all I’ve said, you still have doubts.”

“No, of course I’m not going to Brighton, and yes, of course I believe you. I was simply telling you what Anne said, and why I was convinced.”

“Anne is a liar and a treacherous woman. To have known what Elise had been though in her life and then, to use that information - twist it around and tell half-truths - in order to give the impression that Elise is some sort of loose woman who preys upon men – well, Anne is utterly despicable – and this is what a well-bred, refined daughter of a Duke is like? God help her if I ever meet her.”

“Josef, I’m so shocked at her behavior, I can’t begin to tell you. I’ve known her all of my life. We were childhood friends. You can ask anyone in the village. People here adore her. I didn’t have the faintest notion that Anne had this side to her. I suppose that’s why I trusted her and believed she was telling the truth. Do you suppose it would do any good if I forced Anne to go to Elise and admit what she did?”

“I sincerely doubt it. She doesn’t have to admit what she did. Elise knows what she did. Elise had Anne figured out two minutes after you left the cottage. I go back to my main point. Elise isn’t nearly as upset about Anne’s betrayal of her confidence, and telling sickening lies about her, as she is about you believing those lies. She feels strongly you can’t have loved her, and believed such filth.”

“She’s right. What can I say? She’s absolutely right. After all of my talk about soulmates – my God – for over five years, I refused to let go of her memory. I was so certain we were meant for each other. I still am. But, then, one false word and I lost all trust for the lady whom I firmly believe God put here for me? I can’t believe I was taken in so easily. I should have known there was another explanation. Unfortunately, when I asked if Chloe’s father was a Nazi, she said ‘yes’, which lent credence to Anne’s lie. So, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that Anne was telling the truth. If I’d just calmly approached her and said there had to be some mistake -given her the chance to explain, everything would still be fine. I love her all the more for her courage and strength. We’d still be making wedding plans.” Sloan put his head back into his hands and began to sob. “Oh God, I’ve ruined my life. I’ve dreamed of her since I was a boy. There will never be another like her. I’ll never marry. I can’t imagine feeling like this about someone else. What a total fool I’ve been.”

Josef felt stirrings of pity for the man he’d thought would be the perfect husband for his sister. He was still disgusted at Sloan’s behaviour, but it was certainly clear that Sloan’s heart was shattered. Josef could see how it had all come about. Sloan’s behaviour was abominable, but it wasn’t difficult to understand how Anne’s story could have sent him over-the-top. Josef was certain that, in spite of his sister’s broken heart and apparent disgust with Sloan, she still loved him. He’d already told her that he doubted she’d stopped loving him in the blink of an eye. After listening to Sloan’s obvious pain, he decided he’d do anything possible to help the two lovers get through the terrible muddle. However, he wasn’t at all certain what that would be.

Anne lay on the bed in her fancy boudoir. She wasn’t weeping, but she didn’t feel well. Surprisingly, she didn’t feel like she’d thought she would after accomplishing her goal. She thought she’d be joyous, knowing she’d succeeded in tearing Elise and Sloan apart. Unfortunately, when she’d seen the look on his face, as she told her lies, it became clear that she’d broken his heart. For some reason, Anne had never really concentrated upon how Sloan would feel. It might even have been different if what she’d told him was true. Even then, however, if she were honest with herself, she’d have to admit it was none of her business. Didn’t a person have the right to start their life anew – to turn over a new leaf? Anne had always considered herself a Christian, and the entire basis of that religion’s teaching was forgiveness. Poor Elise didn’t even have a reason to start anew. She wasn’t at fault for what had happened to her. Everything that followed had been a result of the terrible assault she’d endured. It was clear she’d made decisions based upon love and concern for her little girl. Of course she had to pretend she’d been married and, naturally, she had to wear a wedding ring. The bottom line was, she’d done nothing wrong. The more Anne tossed and turned on her elegant, white, bed, the more she realized what an evil thing she’d done. What had she hoped to accomplish? Certainly, there was no way Sloan would suddenly decide he loved Anne and wanted to make her his wife. That would be daft. He’d hate Anne forever, even if he did lose Elise. Sooner or later, the word would probably spread throughout the village about what she’d done. Perhaps not word for word, or even the vague details, but people would begin to understand that Anne was responsible for the end of what had been a glorious love story. Anne would be hated.

All of those thoughts overwhelmed her, but the primary one was that she had done something evil and wicked. It wasn’t in character for her. She’d always been a nice person. If someone she knew had done such a thing, she would never have spoken to them again. The idea of her parents finding out was frightening. Yet, she didn’t have any idea how to make things right. She couldn’t gaily waltz into Elise’s cottage, saying she was sorry. What she’d done went far beyond a simple “I’m sorry.”

***

Sloan was back in his own rooms at
Highcroft Hall,
at the same time Anne was at
The Meadowlands,
ruminating about her actions. It was beginning to seem like half of Thornton-on-Sea
had taken to their beds. Sloan was berating himself unmercifully for his actions. He hadn’t known he had such cruelty in him. Now he knew what searing pain could do to a person. Words he’d never thought himself capable of, had come easily from his mouth. Finally, he decided he had to let the anger out. He rang Anne. At least he could make her understand the devastating harm she’d caused.

Anne sounded miserable on the telephone. He told her he would either come to
Meadowlands,
so they could speak, or meet her wherever she suggested. At first she tried to beg off, saying she had a headache. He told her he wasn’t interested in any excuses, and that either she would tell him where and when to meet him, or he would be at the door of
Meadowlands
in half an hour. She didn’t want him to come to her home. Her parents were both there, and they would ask questions.

“Can we meet at the park in the village? By the gazebo?” she asked.

“That’s fine. I’ll see you then. Don’t be late. We have a lot to talk about.”

“I won’t be,” she replied.

There was a click. He didn’t even say goodbye.

Anne washed her face and tried to make herself presentable, but there wasn’t much point. She knew he wasn’t meeting her because he couldn’t wait to see her lovely face. She changed clothing, putting on a simple frock. She paid scant attention to her hair. After all, this wasn’t a social get-together. Half an hour later, the two were seated in the gazebo. Anne started by admitting at once that she knew she’d done a terrible thing.

“I don’t know why I said the things I did, Sloan. You know I’m really not that sort of person. I’ve been hell-bent on winning you back, ever since you wrote to me while you were still in North Africa. When I read that letter, my heart broke into a million pieces. I couldn’t believe you’d throw away everything we shared, for the mere memory of a girl you’d only seen once in a farmhouse in France. It sounded obtuse. I thought it was a passing fancy - that you would recover from it, and we’d go on as before. But instead, your feelings seemed to grow. I couldn’t believe it when I learned Elise was living in Thornton-on-Sea
.
It seemed impossible. All I could think about was keeping you from her, but I knew if she was right here, the chances of that were impossible. I truly thought about the whole dilemma for a long time. Finally, I reached the conclusion that the best thing I could do would be to ingratiate myself with Elise – to become her friend. That way I’d be able to have an effect upon her thinking, and most importantly, I’d learn all I could about her. Hopefully, there would be something to make you think twice about whether she was truly your soulmate. Well, there was.”

“That’s where you’re dead wrong, Anne. There wasn’t. If you’d told the truth about Elise, it would only have made me love her more. Do you honestly believe I would have said that I wanted no more to do with her when I learned about the appalling attack she’d endured? What sort of man do you think I am?”

“No, I didn’t think that. Which is why I twisted the facts. If you thought she’d willingly been intimate with Nazis, it would put a different light on the matter. Obviously it did. It probably would to anyone. I knew you well enough to be certain you wouldn’t want anything more to do with her. Unfortunately, my lies had the desired effect.”

“Yes. Only because I was fool enough to believe them, without giving Elise the benefit of the doubt. I should have known her well enough to know she would have died before willingly involving herself in something as sordid as a fling with a Nazi, let alone more than one. “

“I don’t know what I was thinking, Sloan. I guess the old adage ‘Hell hath no fury like a women scorned’ is true. At least that’s the way I felt. I wanted you to pay for the pain you’d caused me.”

“And Elise? Why should she have paid?”

“I don’t know. Just because she was the ‘other woman,’ I suppose. I don’t think I thought of her one way or the other. She was in the way, and I wanted her out of your life. Oh God, Sloan – I’d do anything to take it all away. But, I know I can’t. This is the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life.”

“If you were a man, I’d beat you to a pulp. Since you’re not, all I can do is make certain you understand what you’ve done to a kind, trusting, and decent woman. You’ve put me into a position where I accused her of the vilest behavior imaginable. I know Elise has a lot of trouble with trust – particularly with men. It isn’t hard to figure out why. Well, you’ve increased that fear. I can’t imagine she’ll ever trust a man again. Damn you, Anne. Damn you.”

“I don’t know what to say. I’m ashamed of myself. It was horrid of me. I’m embarrassed and humiliated. Worse, I don’t know what I can do to set it right. Do you love her so very much, Sloan?”

He raised his voice an octave.” I told you from the beginning that she’s my soulmate. I acted like a fool. I still believe that about her. But, she never believed in that concept as strongly as I do. Now, of course, she thinks it’s all rubbish. If a person is your soulmate, he doesn’t go off on a rant, calling you every filthy name in the book – disparaging and demeaning you. Do I love her so? Yes, Anne. I love her so. You’ve known that for a long time. You’ve known me long enough to know that I don’t casually use that word. I never used it about you. Never. In a weak moment I proposed to you. Whether I’d found Elise or not, I knew I’d never marry you. I didn’t love you the way a man should love a woman he wants to marry. I told you that. What a daft question to ask me. Do I really love her so? Like flowers love the sun; like birds love the trees. I don’t just love her. I
need
her to feel completely alive. You don’t know how that feels. You thought you were so in love with me. You haven’t any idea what
love
really means. I was just someone who’d been in your life forever. You wanted me as your husband. You’ve always managed to get what you wanted. This was nothing but a competition for you.”

“What can I say? How can I make amends? I truly am sorry. From the depths of my soul. I was wicked and hate myself. Would it help if I spoke to Elise?”

“I don’t think there’s a thing you could say to Elise that would make a whit of difference. Why would she care what you have to say? I’m sure she’s figured you out by now. Knowing Elise, she’d probably forgive you. God bless her. She’s that sort of lady. So if your aim in speaking to her would be to salve your own guilty conscience, you’d probably succeed. But, if it’s because you honestly believe what you did was abominable, and feel immeasurable regret at having ruined two lives, it becomes a bit more sticky, doesn’t it? You can’t simply wave a magic wand, and undo the damage. This is one time in your life when you can’t have things the way you want them. Frankly, Anne, I don’t trust you at all. I never should have. I’m not at all certain your motives now are so pure. I suspect you’re wanting to prove to me that you’re filled with sorrow for what you did, and that you’re willing to try to convince Elise of your shame at having done such a thing. You know full well she isn’t likely to believe much of what you have to say. I’m not either. How do I know that this great show of regret is nothing more than another scheme to say you tried everything to make it right, hoping in the long run you might manipulate me into returning to your arms?”

Anne began to cry. “Do you truly think so poorly of me, Sloan? Isn’t there a shred of the old faith we once had in one another?”

“You must be daft! You destroyed that when you destroyed Elise. Can’t you get it through your head that I’m destroyed, too?”

“Yes. I can. I’m only searching for a way to rectify the harm I’ve caused.”

“Quit searching, Anne. When you begin to concoct ideas, this is what comes of it. Leave me alone, and leave Elise alone. I haven’t any idea how I’m going to make amends. I don’t know if it’s possible. I only know I have to try. This isn’t just a simple little tiff that all lovers experience. I’m not optimistic about the outcome. God help me if she leaves Thornton-on-Sea
.
That’s what I told her to do in my rage. I told her to ‘get out of this village’ – that I never wanted to set eyes on her again. Now I’m terrified she’ll do it. If she leaves here, I‘ll have no way at all to ever win her back. I’ll have lost her for good.”

Anne sighed and wiped away tears.

“I won’t interfere, Sloan. I would probably only make it worse. But I do promise that I’m being honest when I say I’m disgusted with myself for what I did. I’ll pray for you, and for Elise. I’m going to pay a visit to the Vicar and confess everything I did. Elise goes to the same church. Perhaps he can speak with her. I don’t know. I can only do my part in trying to understand why I acted as I did, and pray to God he’ll not allow my behavior to destroy the lives of two people who don’t deserve such heartache. I’m going to leave now, Sloan, unless you have anything more to say to me. If I can do anything to help – anything at all – please do ring me. I’m sorry, from the bottom of my heart,” she exclaimed, as she collected her handbag and gloves, and walked slowly, with her head down, away from the pretty gazebo in the park at Thornton-on-Sea.

***

Elise didn’t sleep a wink the night after her heartbreaking scene with Sloan. Josef returned after his conversation with her former fiancé and told everything. While she had to admit it made her feel a mite better to know Sloan was suffering too, and to learn that he knew everything he’d been told was a lie, she still was shattered to the depths of her soul. That the man she loved could, for one second, have believed she was a loose woman – a whore - was inconceivable.

Did she still love him? Yes, of course. Josef was right. One didn’t stop loving someone they’d planned on spending their life with. Not overnight. Somewhere, deep inside, she knew that Sloan hadn’t meant all of the cruel things he’d said. She was wise enough to understand that rage turned a person into quite another. Thankfully, she’d been born with a calm, consistent manner, not given to bursts of anger and unjustified emotions. She’d never even thrown tantrums as a child. Elise may have led a sheltered life, but she knew enough about human emotion to understand that anger could be a trigger for a lot of untoward behavior. She also understood that a lot of ire was the result of heart-wrenching hurt. Instead of being able to voice pain, many people lashed out at the person or event that was causing the pain. She knew that was what had happened to Sloan. But, how could they possibly find their way back from this? Was there the slightest possibility she could trust him again? How could she know he didn’t harbour a smidgeon of doubt? What if she forgave him, and they married? At the first sign of a disagreement, was suspicion likely to rear its ugly head?

After a long and painful night, Elise reached a conclusion. She was going to take Sloan’s advice. She would leave Thornton-on-Sea. She tried to think about where she could go. Naturally, her first thought was Giselle. They were such dear friends. She knew she’d be welcomed warmly. But Giselle was just settling into a new marriage, in a foreign country. It seemed highly selfish and inappropriate for Elise to show up, aching with pain and sorrow. She would also have Chloe in tow. That was asking a bit much of their friendship. So, where could she go? London was out of the question. She didn’t know anyone. It was an expensive place to live, and she had no means of earning a living. She might be able to find a position as a French teacher, but who would watch Chloe? It was the same dilemma she’d faced when back in Brighton.