No Regrets (Bomar Boys #1) (21 page)

“That was the day he asked me to help him protect you.” Colt winced as if he regretted admitting that immediately, “I came home that day and Cash was just sitting on the end of his bed, covered in blood, and he told me that he had to get you away from him before he hurt her.”

“Oh God…”

The sharp edges of her broken heart cut at her insides as Colt once again admitted something to her that Cash hadn’t. That was the day he’d decided to push her away for her own good. He’d lost it that day, lost control, and he hadn’t trusted himself to keep her safe, to keep from hurting her. Even if she had never questioned it, he had.

“Oh God…” She muttered again, her hand going to her mouth, “He’s going to do it again isn’t he?”

Push her away. Distance himself. Try to keep her safe by removing himself from her life.

He’d convinced himself a long time ago that she couldn’t handle that side of him and after what she’d been through, the abuse, he would be even more sure of it. He hadn’t said a word since she asked him for some time to think earlier because he would give her whatever she asked for. He would give her what he thought was best. Even if it hurt him in the process.

“He already is. He hasn’t said a word in five hours, Jemma. He’s shutting down.” Colt nodded, “My question is, are you going to let him get away with it this time?”

“No.” She answered instantly.

She looked up and met Colt’s familiar blue eyes. They really did look so much alike sometimes it was eerie. At that moment, the hope shining in those crystal wells matched the look she’d seen on Cash’s face so many times these past few weeks. And God, that hopeful look on both of their faces shot her straight back to her childhood self, when she’d been half in love with the both of them.

“No?”

“No, he’s not getting away with it this time. I’m not a kid anymore. Nobody else gets to decide what’s best for me, not even him. He’s going to have to talk to me this time because I’m not going anywhere.”

Colt looked at her for a long moment as the pump clicked off and then he nodded, “He won’t make it easy. We’re not easy men, Jem. We have… issues. I think you know that.”

“Nothing good ever came from easy right?”

He snorted but shook his head, “I don’t know. Easy ain’t in my wheelhouse, babe.”

She frowned at that, “Hey Colt, can I ask you something?”

He jerked the pump from the truck and shook his head, “If it’s about Skylar, the answer is no. I’ll tell you the same thing I told Cash. You two deal with your own shit and stay out of it.”

Jemma swallowed a smile and nodded. She hadn’t been going to ask about Skylar but she figured it was pretty telling that was where Colt’s head was at. She’d been prepared to ask about their parents and how the two of them dealt with Chrissy and Decker. Skylar had already told her to stay out of her friendship with Colt, that they’d work it out themselves or not. Instead of saying any of that, she let it go.

Colt was right. She and Cash had issues, big issues that needed to be resolved. She glanced up as he came back out of the convenience store holding several bottles of water and one can of her favorite green tea. That shredded organ formerly known as her heart leapt at the small, kind gesture and she accepted it as he silently crawled back into the truck.

They had a couple more hours before they would be home and the truck was no place for the conversation they needed to have. Not with Colt driving and eavesdropping. He had been a huge help, would be a huge support, but this was between her and Cash. Once they were home, they were going to work this out or die trying.

She wasn’t giving up on him, not now not ever.

By the time Colt pulled the truck into the parking lot of their apartment complex, it was after midnight. Cash groaned and stretched as he crawled to his feet. The longest day of his life was officially over. He was tired, depressed and all he wanted was to go to sleep so he could wake up and find out today had been nothing but a nightmare.

Jemma hadn’t uttered more than one single word to him the entire trip. When they’d stopped for gas, he’d bought her a drink and she’d thanked him for it. That was it. They’d been reduced to common courtesy, a polite nod and unbearable silence.

As darkness had set in, he’d tried to convince himself that it was better this way. Better that she saw this side of him now. He’d tried to hide it from her when they were kids and he’d failed. He’d tried to hide it from her now and he’d failed again. This shit was a part of him, a dirty, violent part that he tried to control but couldn’t and she shouldn’t be close to that, or him.

She’d come home to start fresh. She’d just gotten out of an abusive relationship. She’d been through something traumatic. The very last thing she needed was to tie herself down with someone right now, particularly not an ex-boyfriend that had purposefully broken her heart and hurt her once before. She didn’t need another man in her life with anger issues.

And as much as he hated admitting it, he was stuffed full of anger. Anger at his parents, at his brother, at his entire family. Anger for this town that was all about unity and friendliness, except when it came to his family. Anger at himself for not getting away when he had a chance and anger for even thinking about leaving his twin behind. He was angry at the world because it seemed no matter how hard he tried, no matter what he did, he hurt somebody and mostly he was angry that he wasn’t the man he wanted to be, not yet.

He managed to contain it most days but it was always there, sitting just beneath the surface, waiting for an opportunity to explode. In those first few months after she left, he’d let it out easily and often. He’d started brawls and taken beatings just to feel something other than the lonely emptiness of his hurt. Once he’d sobered up, smartened up, he’d made better choices, decided to be a better man, but it still came out too often.

The scraps with Decker, those were small tastes of the true violence he had inside of him. He hadn’t let it overtake him like he had today in a long time. Not since the last time he’d seen a man try to take advantage of the woman he loved. He’d done what he had to do then, after he’d come to and realized the destruction he’d wreaked with his fists. He’d pushed her away to protect her and he would do it again. He’d do anything to protect her, even walk away.

That was what he told himself. That was what he’d been telling himself for weeks. But convincing himself to walk away from her the first time hadn’t been easy and doing it a second just might kill him. He needed to sleep, needed to rest. He had to give her time to think. And after that, after they’d both had some time and some distance, if she didn’t want him to be part of her life anymore, he would step back and figure out a way to live without her… again.

“I’ll get this stuff inside for Jemma.” Colt clapped him on the shoulder as he came around the front of the truck.

“I’ll help.”

His brother shook his head, “I got it. Go on in.”

Cash scowled when he met his brother’s eyes and saw the concern there. He glanced over his shoulder but Jemma wasn’t paying them any attention. She’d started pulling her things from the truck and he knew what Colt was really saying. If he tried to stick around and help unload, Jemma would tell them both to leave her alone. If Cash walked away, she’d at least let Colt help her with the heavier stuff so he nodded and resigned himself to the fact that he had to leave her, now, when he was nowhere near ready.

He took the keys from his brother, “Take care of her for me okay?”

“Always.”

That was all he could ask for in this situation. The last time he’d had to step out of her life, he’d left her alone. She’d left him behind, left Old Settlers and her entire life behind, and she hadn’t had anyone out there she could trust. And the man she’d chosen had hurt her, irreparably.

This time, she would be right here, just out of reach, but he would know she was taken care of. Skylar would take care of her. And Colt. His brother could watch out for her as an extension of himself since he couldn’t be with her and that would have to be enough. It wouldn’t even come close but it was better than nothing.

He shot her one last glance even though he knew it wouldn’t be the last time he saw her. He would see her again, just as often as he’d been seeing her for the past month. Most likely every day, he would be able to catch glimpses of her, glimpses that would rip his heart to shreds, glimpses that he would look forward to as if they were his air.

Her red hair was down for once, falling over her shoulders in messy curls. She wouldn’t look up at him but he could feel the tension vibrating off of her. She held her shoulders back but her chin dipped, hiding her face from him. She was hurting too and all he wanted was to wipe it away. He wanted to pull her into his arms and comfort her, tell her that it would all be okay, that they would work it out, but he couldn’t. She’d said she wanted time to think and he needed distance to keep her safe.

He sighed and forced his feet to carry him to his apartment and away from her. He tossed the keys on the table and stared around the dark room for a long minute. It had never looked quite as empty to him as it did in that moment. Knowing that he would never see Jemma curled up on his couch again, never have her up on the counter in his kitchen again, never watch her come out of his bathroom in a cloud of steam and he couldn’t even imagine sleeping in his bed without her. Empty, the apartment was empty because his life was empty without her.

She’d only been back a few weeks but that didn’t matter. His entire world had been upended the moment he saw her on the side of the road. The second he’d realized that she was back and that maybe, just maybe, he might be able to have her in his life again, everything had changed for him. His days had been brighter this last month and not even dealing with his parents had been able to bring him down. Not when he knew he would get to see Jemma at the end of the day.

Now, without her, again, his life would go back to the dark, endless cycle he’d known in her absence. Working. Eating. Sleeping. Fighting. Trying to hold himself and his family together the only way he knew how. It sounded awful.

Cash stripped down to his boxers and tossed his blood stained clothes in the hamper. As exhausted as he was, he knew that sleep wouldn’t come to him right now and he needed to clean up anyway. His knuckles were bruised and stiff, the skin peeling back from several as well. He’d cleaned most of the blood off but he still needed a hot shower to wash away the worst parts of this day.

He grabbed a towel and shut himself in the bathroom, flipping the heat to full blast and then stepping beneath the scalding water. It burned but in a good way. He needed to wash off every spec of that bastard’s blood and find some way to put it behind him.

It wouldn’t be easy but he’d done it before. He’d figured out a way to move on from her once and he could do it again. The Jemma sized hole in his chest was huge and would hurt forever but he’d survived it once and he could do it again if he had to.

If that was what she wanted then…

Cash turned when he felt a chill run down his spine. He’d shut the door hadn’t he? The bathroom had been hot, steam rising, but it was clearing. He frowned as he jerked the curtain back, fully prepared to tell his brother he was fine and to leave him the hell alone but shock hit him when he saw that it wasn’t Colt.

Jemma was standing just inside the bathroom door. Jemma was in his apartment, in his bathroom, and she was in the process of pulling her shirt over her head. Jemma was taking her clothes off and looking at him with longing and desire and determination in her beautiful hazel eyes.

She hadn’t looked at him outside. Hadn’t looked at him since they walked out of that apartment in Houston. But she was looking at him now like he was hers, and he couldn’t look away from her.

He couldn’t think of anything to say. Couldn’t even think to figure out what it was she was planning. All he could do was watch as more and more of her perfect porcelain skin was revealed until she was standing naked in front of him and with her eyes on him, his body couldn’t help but respond.

His heart thumped too hard in his chest. And he was hard, instantaneously. All of the blood left his brain. That was why he couldn’t think to say a word, or do a thing, when Jemma walked toward him, stepped over the lip of the tub and pulled the curtain back shut behind her. She joined him in the shower, enclosing them in completely naked with the hot water raining down on them, steam rising, and all he could do was stare.

What was happening?

Had he fallen asleep in the shower? Were they even home yet? Was it all a dream? If he woke up and they were still in the truck, driving those endless hours home in that dreadful silence, he might open the door and throw himself out into traffic. It was the best and the worst dream he’d ever had if that was the case because he’d only ever imagined seeing Jemma like this again and waking to find out he never would was going to kill him for sure.

“Jem?” He felt like he was moving in slow motion, afraid she was a ghost and nearly jerking in surprise when his fingers slid through her hair and down to the smooth plane of her shoulder.

“Shhh, I’m here.” She smiled softly, as if she’d read his mind and knew he didn’t believe her. “I’m here, Cash.”

“But…”

“No. No talking. You’re going to listen okay?”

She slid her small palms over his chest and he shuddered under her hands. Need rocked him to the core. Since he was still having a hard time accepting that this was really happening, that she was here, he simply nodded.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered softly, “I’m so sorry, baby.”

He found his voice, grasping her wrists to stop the distracting path they were carving over his chest, “No. No apologies. You don’t apologize.”

“Shhh, I told you to listen.” She met his gaze, serious and intense, “I do apologize Cash, because that’s a relationship. We have to be equals or this is never going to work.”

He stared down at her. Relationship? Did she still want a relationship with him? Was that even possible? He’d already convinced himself he had to let her walk out of his life but here she was, storming back into it, refusing to be left behind. What was going on?

“It’s not all your fault and I’m done letting you blame yourself for every misstep and hurtful moment between us.”

“Jem…”

She slid into his arms and he fought a groan. Her body against his and he was already hard. His brain was barely functioning. Her breasts were against his chest and he knew she could feel his erection against her belly. She didn’t react, only wrapped her arms around him and pressed her cheek to his chest.

“I’m done letting you push me away, Cash. Do you hear me? I’m not going anywhere so you better get used to me being around.” She kissed his chest, water dripping down both of them in rivers and he tightened his grip on her. “I’m staying so cut the shit, stow the attitude and deal with it. Please.”

His words. He’d said that to her way back in high school when they were assigned to that English assignment together and she’d immediately flinched at the pairing. She’d been an honors student, and he hadn’t been. It was one of the first things he ever said directly to her and she remembered. She’d added the please though.

“I’m trying to protect you, Jem.”

“I don’t need or want to be protected from you. Not from you.” She planted kisses across his chest, “You don’t scare me.”

“I should.”

He didn’t believe that she wasn’t scared of him. He couldn’t. Not after what she’d witnessed today. He’d completely lost control. He’d blacked out. He barely remembered moving let alone swinging his fists and anything that violent and wild couldn’t be trusted. She should be scared of it. He was.

“Well you don’t scare me, so get over it. Yes, you are big and yes, you are strong but I know you would never use that strength against me.” She pulled back to look up at him, “You scared me today because I knew you were hurting, that you were in pain and I’m so, so sorry that I put you in that position.”

It wasn’t her fault. How could she think it was her fault? He could have controlled himself. He
should
have. But he’d never been able to control himself with Jemma. She made him feel everything too much, too deep, and it was overwhelming.

Like now, he knew he needed to be thinking with the head on top of his shoulders. They needed to talk this through more. There were so many more things he needed to say. But she was pressing her naked body against his and he was losing the thread of the conversation.

Why wasn’t he kissing her? Touching her? Making love to her? Why hadn’t he done that yet?

He was having a tough time remembering why it was he’d stopped them time and time again for the past few weeks. Every time they’d been together since that night she waited up for him and slept over, they’d ended up kissing and groping and grinding against each other. They were both desperate for it. They both wanted it so badly. Why had he stopped them?