No Turning Back (Full Circle) (2 page)

“I said get the
fuck
off me!” I scream while I dig my nails into his arm.

“That’s not going to help,” he says with a devilish smile.

In my heart I know I don’t stand a chance.  He’s strong and overpowering.  I cry and scream, but it is no use.  There is no one at home and there are acres upon acres separating my farm from another person.  He is in full control.  Once he finishes, he kisses me gently and leaves.  I want to throw up; instead, I curl into a ball as tears begin to fall.  I’m home alone, and a night I thought was going to be special has turned into the biggest nightmare of my life.  I decide that I have to be strong.  I force myself to stop crying. I really need a shower, and I still have to check on the damn goat. I try to move but can’t.  What am I going to do?  What the hell did he do to me at that party?  I notice my phone is on my nightstand.  If I can grab it, I can text Cash. 

Me: $ wiiill u ck on Jker? (Will you check on Joker?)

Cash: R u drunk?

Me: no, pplease (No, please)

Cash:  U sure ur ok?

Me: Yup

Cash: k

I try to force myself up, but I can’t. It’s like I’m dead weight.  My body feels dirty, violated, and I have to wash him off me.  As I’m trying to figure out how to move, I hear the front door close.  Oh God no. Please don’t let it be Dylan.  I start praying to God.

Lord, PLEASE protect me; keep me safe; forgive him.  Amen

“Charley!” Then there is a pause. “Char!”  I hear Cash calling. 
Oh shit, he’s going to have a come apart!  What am I going to do? 
I look around the room to grab my clothes, but it’s no use.

I can hear him coming up the stairs. He knocks on my door as he walks in. That is a habit for us, along with no secrets.

“Char, Joker’s fine. Whoa! What the fuck happened here?” His eyes roam the scene in front of him, taking in my ruffled bed spread and the position I’m lying in.

I swallow hard trying to get the words to come out, but it’s not working. Single tears begin to stream down my face.

“I want the whole truth, and if that asshole did this, I’m going to make him pay,” Cash growls. He is full of rage and concern at the same time.

He stands there with his eyes wide open, and I can tell he is ready to go ape shit on someone. Someone named Dylan.

“Cash, please.  I don’t know what happened.  I was fine one minute and the next I’m way past drunk.”

“Did he hurt you?”  He asks as he approaches my bed.

All I can do is shake my head yes as the tears begin to fall faster.  He sits on my bed and pulls me into his side.  I know that Cash is ready to leave me and kill Dylan.  I have to do something.

“
Please,
Cash, don’t do anything.  I’m begging you.  I told him no, but he didn’t care.  I just need you to help me, Cash!  I can’t move, and I have got to get what’s left of him off me.  You have to help
me
!”

I can see the struggle in Cash’s eyes.  “You know I want to walk down those stairs, out of the house, find him and rip his balls off?  You better be glad I love you so much.” 

Cash carries me to the bathroom and sits me on the toilet while he turns on the water and cleans me from head to toe.  You would think that I wouldn’t be able to have another guy touch me, but it’s different with Cash.  He knows me, and I have trusted him since I was four years old. 

When I’m clean, he helps me out of the tub and wraps me in a towel. He dresses me in my favorite pajamas, brushes my hair and carries me to my room.  As he places me on the vanity chair, tears begin to fall again.

“I can’t sleep here Cash, not after that. 
Please
, take me to the club.” 

The club was our place.  When we were five, our dads built us a clubhouse.  It was made of wood and tin.  It had a window overlooking the pond we fished.  We practically lived there.  As we got older, we made it more of a hangout with all the modern technologies, a futon, fridge, and electricity.  Now we use it to escape the cards we are dealt in life.

“You got it.” 

He scoops me into his perfectly chiseled arms built from working endless days on the farm and places me in the cab of his truck.  He drives to the back of the field.  Cash carries me up the ladder, turns on the lantern, lays me on the couch and wraps me in his arms.  I feel safe and loved as my world is falling down around me.

From that day forward I kept everyone but Cash at bay.  I put up a front like the Great Wall of China by continuing to hang out with my friends and acting normal, but I wasn’t. Inside I was crumbling into pieces.  I never spoke to Dylan again.  In fact, I distanced myself the only way possible.  I quit the team, buried my secret and held on to Cash like he was my lifeline.

****************

Christmas Break 2012

“Seriously Char!  I just don’t know what to do with you anymore.  Can’t you just get over that douche bag?”

“Cash, I’m sorry.  I’ve tried.  He hurt me, yes, but I just don’t know how to move on from everything that happened.”

“
Hurt you
is an understatement!  He took total advantage of you, left you there alone and if you hadn’t sent me to check on that damn goat who knows what would have happened to you!”

We sit in complete silence for what feels like days.  Finally, I decide to speak as my eyes begin to fill with tears.

“Cash, you have been my best friend since we could walk.  You know everything about me.  I love you more than life itself, but I know that I can’t love you the way you need to be loved.  I have too much baggage.”

“Char, we have been friends.  Hell, we’ve been more than friends since all that shit went down. I’ve loved you my entire life and now, you want to tell me that you think he deserves you again?  That’s complete bullshit and you know it!”

“I’m not saying that he deserves me, I’m saying no one deserves me.  I’m damaged. Leftovers.  It’s not fair to you or anyone else.  Who wants what someone has already had and destroyed?” 
I am totally full of shit.  I have more love in my heart for Cash than I ever thought was possible, but I can’t keep pulling him down with me.  I have to let him go. It’s only fair.

Cash props his fishing rod against the wall and moves closer to me.  He places his hand on my shoulder and turns me to face him.  “Char, I do.  You make me whole.  From the first time I looked at you, I knew you were special.  You have the most giving and caring heart I have ever seen.  You take life by the horns and go with it.  You aren’t afraid to make a mistake, but yet this is something I can’t let you do.  You are what makes my heart beat.  I love you.  No matter what you say, I will always love you, and I will not let you go.  I will fight for you. Now, tomorrow,
and forever
.  Whether you like it or not.  You are my Char-coal and I’m your Cash Money.  We’re destined for each other; I just know it!”

I pull myself from Cash’s gaze and hands.

“Please, Cash. Don’t do this. I’m through.  I need to finish this school year on my own.  I’ve got to figure out who I am without a guy in my life.  Even if that means letting go of the one person that understands me completely.  I have to do this by myself.  Please tell me you understand.”

I wait for Cash to answer as the wind blows through the trees.  It reminds me of a thief in the night.  Just like Dylan stole the most precious gift I ever owned.  I’m pulled from my thoughts when Cash finally speaks.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t.”

Without wasting another second, I reel in my fishing rod from the window. (Yes, it’s December; we won’t catch any fish, but it’s what we do.)  I hang my rod in the corner, climb down the ladder and take off on my hot pink four-wheeler before he can respond.  He knows I like my distance. He knows not to push me, and he doesn’t.  He doesn’t speak or look at me.  The only time I see Cash is from a distance on their family farm or when my daddy needs his help with something.  Other than that, he acts like I’m invisible which is exactly what I want, but not what I need.

Chapter 1: Graduation Day- June 2013

I can't believe that high school is over.  Whoever thought time would go so quickly, and now I'm standing here acting like a little baby!  “Charley, you better pull yourself together,” I say as I look in the mirror.  It's time to do the damn thing and graduate!

I take one final look at myself in the mirror.  My hair is blonde and freshly rolled with hot rollers.  I have the kind of hair that girls dream of!  You know the kind that you put rollers in and it stays for days without a gallon of product.  I have on a Forever 21 black A-line sleeveless floral lace dress that shows just enough leg, the pearl earrings and necklace set my daddy gave me, and a pair of Nine West stiletto heels that I got at my favorite store of all time, The Jesus Store.  I paid fifteen dollars for them, and they are like brand spankin' new!
  They aren’t my typical Ariats, but I know they won’t fly today.

I grab my cap and gown and can hear all my family downstairs; they are so excited.  You know?  If you asked me a month ago how I felt about graduating from high school, I would have said, “I can't wait!”  It's not like Lenior Rhyne College isn't five miles from my house, so what's going to change?  I guess I better snap out of it and head to graduation. 

I walk downstairs in the old white farmhouse that I've grown up in my entire life.  What started off small has now turned into a pretty big place.  It was transformed from a two bedroom, one bath house to five bedrooms, three baths, sunroom, man cave and pool.  I guess it pays to have a Daddy who can do anything.  I go downstairs to see my sis, Tessa, is waiting on me. 

"Charley, why is it that you never have to work hard on your looks?"

"Whatever, you know you're the one that got all those in this family."  She gives me a hug and says she'll see me at school in a little while. 

As I walk down the hallway, I see my baby pictures.
I sure do hope I make my parents proud
.   I walk into the kitchen and tell Mom, Dad, and my cousin Joanna that I'll see them there, and out the screen door I go.  Joanna informs me she has too much cooking to do so she will just stay at home.

Once I get into my 2009 Red Honda Accord, I put on my ten dollar shades and turn up the radio.  Thanking the good man upstairs that a little Florida Georgia Line “Cruise” is on!  YES! I crank it up with the windows down and sunroof open.

Today is a perfect day to graduate.  The sky is the perfect color, Carolina blue. There's not one cloud in sight, and I'm about to start a new journey.  The next thing I know, I'm pulling into Dixon High School.  I see my girls already starting to arrive and hanging by the tree on the front lawn.  I don't know how I would have made it through the past year and a half without them.  They know all my secrets and were there when I needed them most. 

I park the car, get out, and head toward the tree. 
Deep breaths. In, out, in, out; you can do this!

"Hey, Piper, you ready to get this over with?"  Truthfully, I'm scared to death and could cry at any moment.  I scan the crowd to see if Dylan is anywhere around, and he’s not. Thank goodness.

"Yeah, I guess. I'm just ready to get on that flight to Cancun!" she says.

"Yeah, me too!  I don't know about you, but I'm just ready to get out of this hole in the wall town before I go crazy!"

Next thing I know, all of our families have arrived and my mom is taking pictures like a mad woman.  I just keep thinking to myself. 
Are you SURE you don't want to go to school somewhere else?
When I look to my right, I can see Mrs. Clark motioning us to move that way.  It's time to get this party started!  Piper, Annie, Carrie, Morgan, and I make our way to line up by homeroom.  Guess I know who I'll be with. The same people I have since ninth grade. One more time, and this is over!

While we wait, I stand watching my friends laugh and look like they are just fine and dandy.  I wonder if any of them are falling apart inside like I am.  I know I've made bad decisions in the past, but I'm praying that my college choice is right. That staying close to home is a good thing.  I have my parents, my sister, and my friend Cash here in town too, even though I’m not sure if he will even talk to me at this point. When I think about it, I am just a country girl who never wants to leave her little hick town.

As I'm deep in thought, I notice the line starting to move. 
Here goes nothing
, I think to myself and smile over to my left at Piper.  She's been my best friend since sixth grade.  I've covered for her ass a lot, and she's always done the same for me.  I really don't know what I'm going to do with her going to school five freakin' hours away! 

Walking into the auditorium, I hear “Pomp and Circumstance.”It's now or never!  Time to put on my big girl panties and act like the Southern Belle I was brought up to be. 

Heading down the aisle, I can see my mom, dad, sister, and grandparents.  They are all so happy.  I smile at them and say a prayer that I don't break down crying.  I make my way up the steps.
One, two, three, four.
Whew, I didn't fall.  I make my way to my seat and pray that this is over quickly.

My school is extremely strict when it comes to gradation, no hooting and hollering or the 5-0 will escort you out. No throwing your cap and always show your manners because this is an honored ceremony.  Well, let’s see if all of that happens today. 

Speeches are made, songs are sung, and diplomas are handed out.  So far all the rules are being followed.  That is until our graduating class begins to holler at the top of our lungs for a fellow classmate that we swore would NEVER graduate.  I think he might turn “Dirty Thirty” this year!  Just kidding!  What are they going to do?  Escort the entire class out?  I don't think so! 

Everyone’s name has been called, and it's time to turn that tassel.  I hear the Student Body President say, "I now present to you the Class of 2013."  Tassels are turned and caps are flying!  Yup, that's how we roll.  Just enough not to be in too much trouble but make our statement!

When the processional begins to play, we start to march out.  There are those damn steps again.
One, two, three, four.
I'm down and out the door I go.  I'm cheesing from ear to ear.  I made it!

Outside, I meet my friends by the tree again.  We are all so happy, but the next thing I know Piper and I are squalling!  When I finally pull myself together, I see my mom.  Here come the water works again.  She gives me a hug, and I say something I never thought I would.  "Mom, I don't want to grow up!"  She says, "I know Charley, but we all have to some time."

With that off my chest, I feel a little relieved.  I know that things will work out and I've made the right choice.  I get myself together, talk with my friends, and make a few more photographs for memories sake.  I head back to the Honda, crank up the radio and head to my house for the "Woohoo Charley's Graduated Party." 

I roll up to the house, and my cousin Joanna is there slaving in the kitchen.  I can't wait for the chocolate cake.  In fact, anyone who touches it might lose a hand is exactly what I'm thinking.  I open the screen door, walk inside and upstairs to where the afternoon started.  I put on something more comfortable.  It's going to be a long night, gotta look cute and be comfortable.  I take a look in my closet and decide on a pair of cut-off jean shorts and a yellow halter top.  Again, I'm one of those blondes who can wear yellow. I guess that's another reason to hate me.  I take off the pearls my daddy gave me and exchange them for silver hoops the size of Texas, add my favorite necklace, cigar band ring monogrammed with the letter "C," and silver bangle bracelets.  I grab my black flip flops with silver sparkles on top and head back downstairs. 

When I get downstairs, my family is back at the house, and everyone is giving me too much attention.  I take it though because I know it makes everyone happy.

Piper, Annie, Carrie, and Morgan all show up.  We eat, laugh, and talk about all the great times we've had.  Joanna has out done herself; this food is off the heeze!  The chocolate cake is to die for, and I'm glad she loved me enough to make two- one for me and one for the actual party. 

After about an hour, Carrie and Morgan decide to head home.  Piper and I look at each other knowing it's about that time.  It’s time to have one more night of fun before we all go our separate ways.

"Piper, have you heard of anything going on tonight?"

"Yeah, there's a party at the triplets’ house tonight."

"Well, I guess we can't miss that!"  The triplets, Justin, Jordan, and Jack, were well- known for their parties.  All the triplets were great guys, loved to have a good time, and were originally from New York.  They had seen the big city, something we knew nothing about. I am okay with that; Piper, on the other hand, dreams of the big city.

Piper and I talk about who's driving and where we’re meeting.  My parents were sticklers for curfew.  So it’s a given we are staying at Piper's for the night.  I also knew I was driving because even though I love to have a good time, I do not drink.   One thing I just can't tolerate is a drunk. On the other hand, take me to a party and I’ll dance my ass off!

Piper takes one piece of cake for the road and heads to her house across town.  Piper and I were both transplants at our high school.  We lived in the country, but our parents felt that we had a better opportunity for a better education at the "city" school.  I told her I'd see her in thirty and she better be ready.  I really didn't want to climb in and out of her window tonight.  Well, maybe just “in” the window tonight.

I go upstairs, pack my bag with pj's, toothbrush, and a few other essentials, and out I go.  I stop downstairs to tell Joanna thanks and give her, Mom, Dad, and Tessa hugs on the way out.

As I head out the door, Tessa and Blue, the bloodhound, follow me.  "Call me if you need me, no matter what, okay?"

"I will I promise, but you know you have nothing to worry about.  Love ya and I'll see ya in the morning.”

I get into the Honda, open the sunroof, plug in my iPod for a little JT “Suit & Tie,” and head to Piper's.  I have to drive all the way through town to get there.  This is always a hard ride for me.  There are so many good and bad memories here.  Do I really want to stay in this town?  Maybe this isn't the right choice?

Before I know it, I make a left turn onto Broadway Road and make my way up the long driveway.  Piper's ready and heads out the door waving bye to her mom, Tina.  I can see her little sister, Summer, in her bedroom window.  She knows the deal.  When we knock, unlock the window.

We head back down the drive, turn up JT, and head to Dixon Country Club.  It's not somewhere we go a lot.  We've never really fit into that crowd, but everyone's welcome at the triplet's house.

We arrive and we can already tell that the party has started. 

“So Piper, what you scheming tonight?”

“Oh, ya know, the usual.  Drink a little drink and kiss a lotta boys!”  She says laughingly.

Piper is the girl who always gets the guys.  I might have the perfect hair, good skin, and nice legs, but she always got the guy.  Maybe that will change in college. That is if I made the right choice.

The night goes on as planned.  We listen to loud music, watch people get plastered, high, and act like fools.  Piper started talking to Justin (the hot one of the triplets) and I knew where this was going.  He's had the hots for her forever, and Piper just loves to play the game.  Now that she's got him, she doesn't want him.  She just pulls him on a string at her beck and call.

Damn, why didn't I have that luck?  I, on the other hand, never get the guy that I truly like. I always get the one that I know my daddy isn't going to like. The guy who lives on the wrong side of the tracks, Tarheels fan, tattooed out, and doesn’t have a plan for life. That's the kind of guy I choose or rather that chooses me.

Around 2:30 a.m., people start to head out. I look at Piper, and she knows it's time to bounce.  She tells Justin bye, gives him a quick kiss, and out the door she goes.  I wish I had one ounce of her confidence.

Driving down the road, we decide to pull into the Pantry and grab a Choice Cherry Gold and Fun Dip, our two favorite things.  We laugh when we notice two guys staring at us when we get ready to leave.  We get in the Honda and head to her house.