Nobody Likes Fairytale Pirates (33 page)

“Your virtue will remain intact,
you big baby.”  She swatted at him in annoyance, then cuddled up next to him
and rested her head on his chest.  “Thank you.  I know it’s got to be hard
laying here and…”

“You have no fucking idea.”  He
instantly said, recognizing what she was about to say and agreeing that it was
torture for him to be in bed with her and not make love.

But he did it anyway.  Because she
had asked him and he knew she was afraid of the nightmares.

She quietly listened to the still
rapid beat of his heart, finding it so very comforting.

“What are we going to do, Uriah?” 
She asked him seriously, uncertain about what this meant for their relationship.

“Well, I’m going to go to sleep
with the woman I love in my arms.  Naked.”  He shrugged.  “I’ve got this all
figured out, Dove.  I’ve pretty much already won the whole ‘boyfriend’ thing.” 
He kissed the top of her head.  “You’re the one making this difficult.  Three
little words from you and we could be making love right now.”

“I’m being perfectly rational,” she
yawned, suddenly very tired, “you’re the one who’s being unreasonable.  We
could have had sex and not worried about what it meant long-term.  But no. 
Instead, I’m going to lay here all night without being able to sl…”

She was asleep before she even
finished the sentence, drifting off into a peaceful slumber of utterly happy
dreams. 

3 Days Later

“Ah, betrayal and the sea.  My two
oldest friends.”  Uriah sighed in resigned amusement, like he was recognizing
the pattern his life always took but was unable to do anything about it.  “I
daresay you and I can consistently lay claim to employing the most treasonous
crew to sail the waves, Dove.”  He put his arm around her.  “If we ever hired a
sailor who didn’t immediately try to kill us, I might just keel over from the
shock of it.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” 
She reminded him for the twentieth time that morning.  “Let’s just forget it.”

“Personally, I’m finding it
difficult to ignore, Dove.”  He sat down in the sand and watched the burning
wreckage of their vessel roll in the waves.  “One of my boots is still aboard.”

The powder store on the ship
finally ignited in a tremendous explosion, the heat of which she could feel on
her skin even from this distance away.

“Not anymore.”  She deadpanned.

Uriah ignored the charred wood and
debris as it began to fall around him on the beach, sounding like a mixture of
rain and hail. 

“You know, I’m not going to
sugarcoat this,” he got back to his feet and brushed off his hands, “we’ve been
in better situations.”

“You think?”

Late last night, some of the crew
had decided that they’d rather work for the Adithians, no doubt due to that
idiot Din’s constant jabbering about how desperate the kingdom was to catch up
with them, and had thus taken the launch and set fire to the ship. 

Uriah and Ransom had spent the
better part of the night fighting the fire and then desperately trying to get
to shore, while their clients did little more than shriek and run around in panicked
circles.

All in all, it had not been fun.

Their morning hadn’t been going any
better, since it involved Uriah sitting around and watching their only means of
transport burn, knowing that they were now stranded in the middle of nowhere.

“See anything else we can
salvage?”  She asked, hoping the situation looked better than it sounded.

“Not even our dignity, Dove.”  He
said sadly.  “It’s a total loss.”

“Perfect.”

“My mother always said: ‘Never bet
your boots if you’re walking home.’”  He sulked.  “And now I’ve lost mine.”

“Maybe if you look around, you can
find another corpse to rob.”  She teased.  “That’s usually how you shop,
right?”

“Oh, ha-ha.”  He put his arm around
her again.  “We’ve reached the last point, my friend.”  His hand slipped lower
on her back.  “We’ve run out of good options, I’m afraid, and must choose to
embrace one of several looming horrors.”

“Where are we?”  She asked, unsure
of how far they had traveled.  “I’m…”

She trailed off as his hand reached
down to casually caress her rear, as if invited.

Her entire body stiffened, her
heart in her throat.

Uriah’s hand was on her ass.

She still wasn’t entirely used to
their new… closeness.  It wasn’t that she didn’t like his hand there, quite the
opposite actually, she loved it when he touched her.  It was just that it still
felt… strange sometimes.  And new.  And almost forbidden, somehow.  They’d
spent so many years as being strictly friends, fighting against their mutual
attraction and denying what they both wanted, and now the idea of him just
touching her in desire simply because he wanted to, was taking was getting used
to.

It was fun and exciting and sexy,
certainly, but it still took her aback sometimes.

“I overstepped.”  He said softly,
apparently recognizing her surprise over the action.  He removed his hand
immediately.  “I’m so sorry.  That was inappropriate and unprofessional.”

“No, it’s not…”  She began, but was
cut off as Ryle came trudging up the beach in front of them, his muttering
audible even over the wind. 

“Well, it’s official,” the Swab
announced, “we’re all dead.”

“Oh, how lovely.”  Uriah’s voice took
on a tone of mock joy.  “I should so like to look up a few people here in the
afterlife.”

She smiled at him.  “I don’t think
it’s possible to kill them again, ‘Rai.”

“Shit.”  He bit out in exaggerated
sorrow.

“I was only able to pull two of
those crates to shore, we lost another one on the trip over.”  Ryle informed
them bleakly.  “Which means supplies are going to be very very minimal.  And by
‘minimal,’ I mean ‘nonexistent’.”

“Honestly, I’ve always thought food
was overrated anyway.”  Uriah started towards the tree line.  “Don’t you,
Dove?”

“I’ve kind of gotten used to eating
though.”  She stumbled up the beach after them.  “It’s a habit I’m not quite
ready to quit yet.”  She held out her arm and whistled for Dinner.  Their pet
swooped in and landed on her outstretched forearm, then perched on her
shoulder.  She didn’t like the idea of the little guy wandering off in some
strange place.

“You know what?”  Uriah decided
after a moment, as though having a realization.  “Life is a journey, not a
destination.” 

“Yeah, but…”  Ryle began.

“
Don’t fuck with my partner’s
journey
.”  She snapped at the boy.

Uriah chuckled, obviously liking
that.  “I’m going to choose to view this setback as an opportunity for another
exciting adventure with my little family.”

“I’m not your family, you
asshole.”  Ryle bit out.  “I can’t stand you.”

Uriah laughed pleasantly.  “Which
gives you more in common with my biological family than you realize, Swab.”

Ryle made an unconvinced sound. 
“Well, if they hate you, they can’t be all bad.”

“Oh, I think the legal authorities
of at least a dozen kingdoms would disagree with you on that.”  Uriah noted,
then stopped, listening to their clients.

Even from this distance, she could
hear the rest of their party screaming at each other.

“This is your fault, you
ignoramus!”  Ester was shrieking at someone, although Ransom couldn’t be sure
whom.  The description applied to so many people in this group. 

“MY FAULT!?!”  Din roared.  “How is
it MY FAULT that you decided to be the cheapskate you are and got us stranded
because the crew had a better offer!?!”

“I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault
but the crew’s.”  Dory began.  “I don’t know why…”

“Shut up, you little idiot!”  Ester
yelled at her daughter.  “Can’t you see that this isn’t the time for your foolishness!?!”

Uriah whistled loudly to get their
attention.  “Family meeting!  Family meeting!”  He announced, his tone implying
that he didn’t have a care in the world.  “Now, as I’m sure you’ve all noticed,
our little vacation has taken an unexpected detour.”

“No shit.”  Ester spat out.  “And I
blame you.”

“But I assure you, there is nothing
to worry about.”  Uriah still sounded completely confident.  “Because
Ransom
knows right where we are and will see to it that our journey gets back on
track.”

Silence, presumably because they
were all staring at her.

“I have no idea where we are.”  She
deadpanned.

Silence again.

“Okaaaaay…”  Her partner stalled,
“well, no matter.  Because I know right where we are.”  She could hear his forced
comforting smile.  “I just need to go over one last detail with my
quartermaster before we get back underway, yes?”  He turned around and leaned
down to whisper in her ear frantically, panic evident.  “
How can you not
know where we are?
”

“Because I don’t.”  She shrugged. 
“We drifted while we were trying to put out the fire.”

He let out a long breath.  “Fine. 
Well, we’ll figure it out.”  He knelt down at her feet and started to draw in
the sand with a stick.  “I got this.  Don’t worry.”

She sat down next to him,
cross-legged.  “You have no idea what you’re doing, do you?”  It wasn’t a
question.

“Dove, the only true method of
knowledge is
experimentation
.”

She made an unconvinced sound.  “In
other words, you have no idea what you’re doing.”

“But my way of phrasing it sounds
less horrifying.”

“What’s ‘horrifying’?”  Ryle asked,
coming over to look at Uriah’s drawing.

“Nothing.”  They chorused in
unison, pretending everything were fine.

Uriah tossed the stick aside and
took her hand, using her fingertip to trace the outline of the landmasses from
the map.  “So, here’s the Wasteland…”

“Uh-huh.”

“Now, I think what’s happened is
that instead of sailing westward around the Wasteland Cape, we’ve somehow
drifted north and have arrived on its eastern shores.”

“Makes sense.”  She agreed, directing
her finger to the area to the south.  “The current runs that way in this
region.  If the ship was on course,” she drew in the line of their projected
travel, “but then went adrift in this area, we’d end up…” she poked her finger
into a spot on the east side of the wide Wasteland peninsula.  “Here.”

“You sure?”  He asked her.

“Not at all.”  She got to her
feet.  “But it’s the best guess I have.”

“Good enough for me.”  Uriah dusted
his hands together like the matter was now settled.  “Swab?”

“Umm…”  The boy sounded unsure.

“Excellent.”  Uriah seemed to treat
that as an enthusiastic confirmation of his plan.  “As my mother so often said:
‘Root, hog, or die.’”

She frowned slightly, trying to
understand that one, then shook her head.  “I don’t even know what that means,
Uriah.”

“It’s what you say to the hog when
you turn it loose.  It’s got to fend for itself or starve.  Everything in this
world does.”  He took her arm to guide her back to their clients.  “The
Grizzwood is all about self-reliance.  It’s essentially saying: ‘prove it; put
up or shut up,’ or ‘you want something?  Go get it.  Because no one is going to
help you.’”

She nodded.  “Ah, the folksy
homespun nihilism of Maggie.”

“If you have to explain it, it’s
not very inspirational.”  Ryle informed them seriously.

“It inspires the people who
matter
,
Swab.”  Uriah snapped, obviously sick of the boy, then raised his voice.  “The
crisis is over, family!”  He called to their battling clients.  “Our pilgrimage
can continue now.”

“You can’t honestly expect to go on
with this.”  Ryle gasped.  “We have no supplies!  No ship!  We need to focus on
just staying alive!”

“I hired you good-for-nothings to
protect me from your fellow ill-bred wastrels, and that’s what you’re going to
do!”  Ester demanded.  “I don’t care if you have to sacrifice your lives to do
it, but you’re
getting
me to my treasure!”

Ransom put her arm around Uriah. 
“Personally, I’m really looking forward to my new career as the hag’s meat
shield.”

Her partner gasped in mock horror
and pulled away.  “Show Mother Ester some respect!”

They both started to laugh
hysterically.

The old lady failed to see the
humor.  “There are horrible men lurking in these jungles…”  She continued,
ignoring them.  “They’re all rapists and thieves!”

Uriah opened his mouth, sounding
like he was going to object to that classification of his people, then
stopped.  “That’s fair.”  He decided, admitting the point.

Ransom chuckled again, leaning
against him and resting her head on his chest, casually using him to support
her.

“We need to get my treasure and get
back to civilized society.”  Ester made an unhappy groan, probably looking at
the remaining crewmen who hadn’t left with their traitorous companions.  “I’ve
never liked the looks of
certain
people.”

“And… are these real people?  Or
hypothetical people again?”  Uriah asked.

“I mean you and your horrible
ilk!”  The old woman bellowed. 

“’Ilk’?”  Ransom repeated, arching
an eyebrow.

“I find a woman with an obscure
vocabulary to be such a turn on, Dove.”  He admitted.  “I don’t know… Mother
Ester could just be a new contender for my love.”

Ransom snorted in amusement.

“Look at them, for fuck’s sake!”  Ester
insisted, ignoring Uriah.  “I know it’s getting unpopular to say, but you really
can
tell the worth of someone just by looking at them!”  The old woman
announced.  “Like those scabby sailors.  And Din!  There are certain kinds of
people who are predisposed to brutality and stupidity.  But good breeding can
help to bring civilization to the savage.  The gods bless the righteous with
beauty and splendor, while punishing the lowly dullards with squalor, ugliness,
and degradation.”

Everyone was silent for a moment as
they considered how deeply stupid that statement was.

“If it comes to it, I vote we eat
her first.”  Ransom told no one in particular.

“No one is eating Mother Ester.” 
Uriah dismissed.  “She’s far too boney.  Her meat would have no marbling, and
I’m sorry, but I just don’t have time to sit here for an hour chewing her.”  He
cleared his throat, speaking up to address the old woman.  “You’ll have to excuse
my partner, mutiny always makes her cranky.”

“Can we please refocus on how not
to die?”  Ryle asked the group.  “Because I’d really like not to die today, if
at all possible.”

“It’s a simple matter of getting
from ‘Point A’ to ‘Point Treasure’, Swab.”  Uriah informed him, sounding
confident again.  “And just think about how quickly we’ll be able to move now
that we’re no longer overburdened with supplies.”

“I think we should just wait
here.”  Ryle grumped.  “This is a busy shipping lane.  Someone will happen by.”

“Just where do you think those
mutinous gentlemen rowed off to, lad?”  Uriah asked him seriously.  “Because I
doubt they planned to row all the way back to Adithia.  Which means that the
Adithian navy is either very close behind us or that they’re already here.  And
in either case, I don’t really want to run into them.”