Nobody Likes Fairytale Pirates (49 page)

“Not helping.”  Ransom snapped at
him, wishing he’d take his own survival more seriously.

“Story of my life.”

“And then you insisted on trying to
rival my beauty!”  Her mother stamped her foot, ignoring Uriah completely.  “
After
I distinctly ordered you not to!
”

“You know, Mama Ransom, you are the
first person I’ve ever met who could legitimately go: ‘Mwa-ha-ha-ha!’ at any
moment.”  Uriah observed calmly.  “Whoa!”  He let out a whistle for some
reason, his voice now facing her mother.  “Holy shit!  Not to sound like the
shallow asshole here, but is that what you’re going to look like when you’re
older, Dove?”  He turned back towards her.  “Because
hot damn!
”  He
clapped his hands together in excitement.  “And technically, you’re starting
off at a base level that’s much
much
hotter, so you’ll be even better
looking in like…”  He paused to think it over.  “What are you, lady?  Like
forty years older than her?”  He didn’t wait for an answer.  “So, I don’t just
mean that you’re prettier now, Ransom, I mean
waaaaaay
hotter, like
she’s a distant, distant…”

“
I AM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL QUEEN
IN THE WORLD!
”  Her mother shrieked in utter murderous fury.

“Only ‘cause she ain’t a queen yet,
honey.”  Uriah retorted with a mocking laugh.

That was it.

Her mother was going to kill him.

And she’d make it bloody.

“Uriah?”  Ransom let out a long
breath to try to calm down.  “I love you.”

“Now!?!”  He cried in indignation. 
“You’re seriously telling me this now?  That doesn’t really inspire me with the
upmost confi…”

She whistled at the “kill the
fucker” tone and fired her last arrow before he could finish.  At the same moment,
Uriah ducked to the side at the prearranged signal.  Hopefully.

The arrow struck home, hitting
something.  There was a horrible gasping sound.  A groan mixed with a muffled
scream.

She lowered her bow, terrified that
she’d missed.  “’Rai?”  She called desperately.  “U-u-uriah?”

Silence for a beat, except for the
gasping.

“I’m fine.”  He got up, his hands
making little sounds as he dusted himself off.  “That was a…”  He made a
horrified noise.  “
Oh, fuck!
  That’s…” 

“What?”  She asked, her panic
growing.  “What is it?  What happened?”

“Well… you hit her, at least.”  He
cleared his throat, like he was trying to break harsh news to her.

Ransom frowned.  “
Where’d
I
hit her?”

“Umm…”  Uriah stammered for a
moment.  “Let’s just leave it at ‘you hit her,’ okay?”  He picked his sword up
from the ground, the blade making a sound as it trailed across the stone.  “I’m
just going to…”  He cleared his throat again, sounding like he was trying not
to be sick.  “Bullocks.  That’s just…”  He let out a low whistle of amazement
and horror.  “Yeah, oh God, that’s just…”

The sword blade swung down,
impacting the stone.

The gasping stopped.

“Do I wanna know about that?”  She
asked him softly.

“You probably would, yeah.”  He
admitted.  “But I don’t think you’d
like
the fact you’d want to know.”

“Probably not.”  She agreed. 
“I’m…”

Someone burst through the door
unexpectedly, running right at them

Uriah grabbed his other sword and
spun to face the intruder, while Ransom pulled an arrow from one of the dead
soldiers on the floor and leveled her bow at the source of the sound.

“Whoa!”  The swab skidded to a
stop.  “Hold on!  It’s just me!”

“I know!”  Uriah snapped
sarcastically.  “Let’s just kill him too, Dove.”  He suggested playfully. 
“We’ll make it look like he died in the fight.”

“Oh, come one!”  Ryle yelled at
them.  “At least put the bow down, for gods’ sake!”

“I’m afraid when my partner is in
one of these moods, all attempts to get her to see reason inescapably end in
butchery.”  Uriah explained.

“I can see that.”  Ryle obviously
surveyed the carnage of the battle.  “Jeez, that’s a LOT of bodies.  But I
think…”  He trailed off.  “
Oh, gross!
”  He gasped suddenly, staggering
back from where Ransom’s mother had fallen.  “That’s…
that’s just the worst
thing I’ve ever seen!
”  His voice darkened.  “
You’re one sick fuck, Uriah! 
You know that!?!
”

“I didn’t do that!”  Uriah
defended.  “That was…”

Something very large suddenly
crashed through the right side of the building, knocking snow and masonry down
onto the ancient tiles.

The giant spider monster let out a
roar of fury and recognition, having finally escaped its cavern prison and
tracked them down.

“Did I forget to mention that?” 
Ryle stammered, backing up again.  “Because it’s really something I was hoping
to talk to you guys about.”

“I
hate
bugs.”  Uriah spat
out, obviously losing his patience with the events of the afternoon.

“I hate
magical
bugs.” 
Ransom added for him.  She put her fingers to her lips and whistled to call
Dinner from wherever their pet was hiding.

“We don’t have time for this!” 
Ryle insisted frantically.  “Come one!”  He raced towards the door.  “We have
to move!”

“Are we really following the Swab’s
orders now?”  Ransom asked calmly, grabbing Dinner and depositing him on
Uriah’s shoulder before the little guy became spider food.

“I think it’s one of those
situations like when a dog is insisting you follow it because unbeknownst to
you, one of your children has fallen down a well.”  Uriah quickly explained,
grabbing her hand.  “We should probably follow him.”

The monster started towards them.

“Umm…”  She stopped in her tracks. 
“I know that I don’t usually…”

Uriah guessed what she was about to
say and immediately scooped her up in his arms like she were weightless,
dashing from the room with the spider in pursuit

Generally, Ransom preferred to do
things herself, but in this case, they’d all be able to move a lot faster if
she didn’t have to think about every step she took and worry about avoiding
unseen obstacles.

Plus, she could think of worse
places to die than Uriah’s arms.

“This way!”  The Swab called back
to them, cutting off to the right before getting to the end of the ceremonial
road in front of the treasure building.

“What?”  Uriah sounded confused. 
“Why would we need to…”

“Just follow him.”  She
interrupted.  “We don’t have time to argue!”

Uriah did as he was told, vaulting
over the low wall and down onto the rocks beneath the overhang of the bridge. 
“I don’t see how…”  He trailed off.  “Oh, you have
got
to be kidding
me!”

“You have a better idea!?!”  The
boy snapped at him.  “Because if you do, I’m all ears!”

“Uriah?”  She asked, beginning to
panic.

“A boat.”  Her partner explained. 
“Our hostage apparently thinks we can somehow
row
down the mountain!”

“Not row!”  The boy insisted.  “I
think we can sled!”

“That’s the stupidest…”  Uriah
began.

The monster hit the bridge above
them, the sound of its huge legs reverberating overheard with deafening
concussions.  To her right, a plume of foul-smelling fire burst to life as the
spider spewed flames down at them.

“You cast off, I’ll push.”  Uriah
said to the boy matter-of-factly, depositing Ransom and Dinner into the boat. 

Ryle started hacking at the
underbrush to clear a path for the boat, while Uriah began to shove the boat
closer to the edge of what she assumed was a steep snowy slope.

“Oh, this is a really bad idea.” 
Her partner reiterated, giving the boat one final push so that it began to
teeter on the edge.  He jumped into the craft.

“Well, we’re pirates.”  She grabbed
hold of him.  “Seems kind of fitting that we’ll die in a boat.” 

Ryle all but fell into the small
craft as it dropped over the edge and plummeted down the mountain.

Above them, the spider monster let
out another roar of fury, followed by another noise.  A much much deeper sound,
which raced after them.

“Aaaaaand now it’s brought down the
entire mountain down on itself and the city.”  Uriah observed, holding her
tighter.  “And soon us.”

Ryle let out a yell as their boat
hit a rock and went airborne for several seconds.  The ancient wood smashed
back onto the mountainside, somehow managing to hold together.

The cold wind blew in Ransom’s face
as they picked up speed, the boat shuttering and bouncing as it skimmed across
the packed snow.

They hit a mogul, spraying her with
ice and debris. 

“I don’t think it’ll hold together
for much longer!”  She yelled at Uriah, doubting he could even hear her over
the rush of air and the sound of the avalanche behind them.  “How much
further!?!”

“It’s gaining on us!”  Ryle shouted
at the same moment.  “I don’t think…”  His complaint stopped dead.  “OH, SHIT!”

Uriah scrambled back to grab the
tiller of the small craft.  “Hold on!”

“Cliff!  There’s a cliff! 
We’ll
never survive that drop!
”  Ryle cried, sounding hysterical.  “We’re not…”

“Oh, shut up!”  Ransom cut him
off.  “Leave the sailing to the pirates!”

Uriah slammed his weight against
the tiller of the small boat, causing the rudder to cut into the snow under
them.  The wood instantly shattered from the force, but not before managing to
send them down the mountain at a slightly different angle.

Ryle began to curse in a steady
stream, like it was some kind of prayer.

Uriah grabbed her closer,
apparently believing that he could somehow shield her from both the avalanche
and the thousand foot drop which they were facing.

Given the things he’d managed to do
today, Ransom was beginning to think he probably could.

Thankfully, he didn’t have to prove
it.

The boat’s new angle caused it to
arrive at the ancient bridge they had crossed on the way to the city, which
sounded just barely wide enough for the boat to rocket across, each support
whizzing by her face as they sped passed it.  The fraying ropes strained under
the weight, but somehow managed to hold just long enough.

The boat hit solid ground on the
opposite side of the gorge and shattered into a thousand pieces, tossing them
onto the snow.

They were up again in an instant,
their panic making them ignore their bruises.  Uriah grabbed her right arm to
guide her, while Ryle grabbed her left, and all three of them prepared to try
to outrun a million tons of ice and stone as it collapsed on top of them.

The noise grew louder and louder,
like thunder which didn’t stop.

They weren’t going to make it.

She could tell.

The roar became defending now, so
loud that Ransom couldn’t even hear her own scream…

And then there was silence.

At first, she thought she was dead.

But then she heard Ryle’s laughter
and she couldn’t imagine any personal afterlife where the Swab would have a
role.

“Ha!”  Ryle screamed again, jumping
in excitement.  “I knew that would work!”

Uriah made a dubious sound.  “We’ve
avoided a snowy grave, Dove.”  He said, updating her on the situation.  “The
avalanche went over the cliff behind us, while we took the bridge.”  He started
to brush the snow and ice from her clothes.  “No thanks to the Swab.”

“Hey, I just saved us!”  The boy
protested indignantly.

“Dove?”  Uriah asked for a ruling.

“To be fair, I think
gravity
saved
us.”  Ransom teased.  “All the Swab did was scream like a little girl.”

“Oh, fuck you both.”  Ryle
grumped.  “Next time, I’m going to let the spider eat you and the avalanche
bury you.”

“You didn’t do anything!”  Uriah
insisted.  “I deserve the credit here!”

“You!?!”  Ryle gasped in horror.

“It w
as
his idea to take you
hostage.”  Ransom thought aloud, teasingly.

“That’s very true, Dove.”  Uriah
agreed.  “And I…”  He trailed off.  “What the hell is that?”

Ransom let out a groan, sick to
death of hearing those words today.

“Nothing.”  The boy said
immediately, obviously trying to sound innocent.  “Nothing at all.  Why?”

“It doesn’t look like ‘nothing.’” 
Uriah continued.  “That, dear boy, looks like
treasure.
”

“He’s been holding out on us!?!” 
Ransom cried in shock.  “Planning on screwing over his partners!?!”  She was
silent for a beat, then nodded in admiration.  “I’m
really
proud of how
well we’ve taught him, ‘Rai.”  She beamed.  “I think you’re a hell of a role
model.”

They spent the rest of the very
long trip down the mountain arguing about the chest of treasure which Ryle had
loaded into the boat before the Adithians had arrived.

Ryle argued that they were only
alive because of his quick thinking and since
he’d
been the one to put
the gold into the craft, it should be
his.

Ransom argued that Ryle had only
started loading the gold because
they
had told him to do it and
distracted the Adithians.

Uriah argued that he’d simply kill
the boy and take the gold if he made an issue of it.

All in all, each of them had valid
reasoning.

Instead of taking the trail east
towards the Great Nothing again, they followed it down towards the western
coast, where the Adithians had landed.  It was a much shorter route and
wouldn’t involve endless miles of salt.

“All I’m saying is that I think the
gold would be better served using it to rebuild my shattered kingdom.”  The boy
tried again.  “There are so many people in Cormoran who need help.”

“Oh, that’s bullshit and you know
it!”  Uriah snorted in dismissal.  “You don’t care about those people any more
than we do!  You don’t give a shit about
anyone
in that kingdom but your
sister and her baby!”

“That’s not true!”  Ryle cried,
overselling his indignation in an obvious lie.  “Why, I also care about…”

Something exploded in front of them
as they finally reached the western base of the mountain and arrived at the
shore.  A wave of intense heat washed over Ransom and she immediately put her arm
up to block it.  It was like standing in front of an inferno.

“…Dom?”  Ryle said softly,
finishing his sentence.  And also greeting someone.

“Oh, crap.”  Uriah made an annoyed
sound.  “This is
just
what we need right now.”

“
URIAH!
”  Dominion, the
furious ogre king’s voice echoed across the beach.  The flames covering his
body growing hotter still, until they made the sea itself sizzle.  “
Did you
really think you could touch my mate’s family and I wouldn’t find you!?!” 

“Dom!”  Ryle cried, overjoyed to
see his hulking brother-in-law.  “Wow, am I glad to see you!”

“I really hate that ogre.”  Ransom
said to her partner softly.  “Told you we should have killed him.”

Uriah ignored that.  “Now, now,” he
stepped in front of her and started walking towards the giant, “no harm came to
the lad!  He’s fine!”

“They almost killed me like a dozen
times!  And almost
got
me
killed a dozen more!”  Ryle reported,
like a small child to a parent.  “They’re horrible, Dom!”

Ransom ignored Uriah’s attempts to
shield her from the danger and strolled up behind him, slowly pulling the
jackknife from her belt and flicking it open behind her back.  There wasn’t
really much such a small blade could do against someone of the ogre’s size, but
on the other hand, if you jabbed it straight through the big man’s eye, the
fight would probably be over pretty quick.

As always, Uriah assumed he could
talk his way out of it.  Or maybe he was just trying to give her time to grab
the knife.  She wasn’t sure.  “Circumstances spun out of control, but rest
assured, all responsible parties have been summarily punished and peace once
more reigns.”  He sounded completely friendly and casual, like they were
discussing plans for an afternoon tea.  “So, if you’ll excuse me, my partner
and I will be going.”  He calmly grabbed the treasure chest and started to
carry it off.  “Lovely to see you again, my old friend.  Married life is
really…”

“That treasure’s mine!”  Ryle
cried, cutting him off.  “You can’t take it!”

“Personal property and material
wealth are really the
last
things we should be thinking about after
narrowly avoiding death like that, Swab.”  Uriah chastised.  “Wouldn’t you
agree, Dove?”

“What are ‘things’ compared to
people’s lives?”  She deadpanned.

“Exactly.”  Uriah started to stroll
from the scene with the chest again.  “So, my partner and I will just give you
and your brother-in-law a chance to enjoy this blessed reprieve death has given
us, and…”

“I
warned you
what would
happen, pirate.”  Dom growled, his temper snapping.  “You kidnapped my mate. 
You kidnapped The Brother.  You lied to us! 
You sold us out to our enemies!
” 
He prowled towards them, his footsteps sounding like tree trunks hitting the
sand.  The furious flames which were now coating his body were growing hotter
as he grew in size.  “And then you kidnapped my mate’s brother AGAIN!”

“My good man, I think you
exaggerate.”  Uriah stopped in his tracks and put the box down.  He turned to
face her as she came up behind him.  “Get ready.”  He said quietly.  “I’ll draw
him in, we’ll go on my signal.”

She tapped the blade of her knife
beneath her eye, indicating that was probably his only weakness.

“Yep.”  Uriah agreed, stalking past
her on the beach.  “He’ll rush me.  Don’t miss.”  He raised his voice. 
“Listen,
ogre
,” Uriah stormed back towards Dom, “I don’t know where you
got the impression that I was a man who threatens easily, but I think you must
be mistaking me for one of your dead fucking kinsmen.  This week alone, I’ve
faced down an army of Adithians, a crew of pirates, my traitorous
ex-quartermaster, a band of barbarians, a client who declared himself a god, an
endless sea of salt, an unkillable madman, a demonic sorceress, an avalanche,
and a
giant fucking spider!
”  He pulled his swords, then stopped
walking.  “You poor sad bastard.  I’m about to make your whole fucking species
extinct!”

Dom let out a bellow of rage,
preparing to charge Uriah, exactly as he’d planned.

Ransom’s hand tightened on her
weapon.

“Whoa!”  Ryle yelled at them. 
“Everybody cool it!  There’s no need for that!”

“Stay out of this!”  Uriah, Ransom,
and Dom all snapped at the boy in unison.

“I don’t want them dead, I just
didn’t want them to take my treasure!”  Ryle explained to the ogre.  “Or at
least not all of it!  There’s no need to…”

“The treasure is mine!”  Someone
new announced, stepping onto the beach.

“Oh, shit.”  Ransom made a face of
pure disappointment.  “I thought she was dead.”

“Who the fuck are you!?!”  Dom
demanded, focusing on the newcomer.  “Another pirate?  Aren’t you a little old
for that?”

“I am the rightful owner of that
gold, creature!”  Ester screamed, utterly unintimidated by the furious ogre
towering over her.  “It’s my birthright!”

The ogre, the old woman and the
Swab all began to yell at each other.

Uriah and Ransom stood there
silently, apparently forgotten in the confusion.

“Wanna just go?”  Ransom asked him calmly,
flicking her knife closed.  “Or do we have to wait?”

“I sure don’t want to be around
that woman.”  Uriah decided.  “I can’t stand her.”

“I think that…”  She trailed off,
as she heard something new.  “Why is this day so shitty?”  She asked
rhetorically.  “I just don’t understand it.”

“Yeeeeah…”  Uriah turned to face
the new noise.  “Looks like some of your countrymen are here, Dove.  That’s the
problem with a kingdom which only has one port on its entire western shore,
you’re almost
certain
to run into people you’d just as soon avoid.”  He
stepped in front of her.  “They’re lead by a mean looking woman.”

“Are her hands silver?”

“Oh yeah.”

She swore under her breath. 
“Super.”  She stepped in front of her Uriah.  “Well, this will be fun.”  She
nodded at her sister as the woman arrived in front of them.  “Allerleirauh.”

“Jinshu.”  The woman’s voice was
calm, but serious.

Ransom shook her head.  “I don’t
want to go by that anymore.”

“I want my hands back.  We’ve all
got shit we gotta deal with.”  She was silent for a beat.  “Wait… is that… an
ogre?  Why is there a fucking
ogre
here?”

“He’s a family friend.”  Uriah
explained.  “Like a pet.”

Allerleirauh considered something
silently for a moment.  “This your fella?”  She asked Ransom, silently
appraising Uriah.

“I’ll kill you if you touch him.” 
Ransom warned calmly.  “Our mother could tell you that it’s
not
a good
idea to try to take what’s mine.”

Behind them, Ester started
screaming racist obscenities at Dom.

They all ignored that.

“Interesting.”  Allerleirauh
finally said, fascinated by something.  “I had heard you had hooked up with a
pirate, but you never really stuck me as the type.  You had too much…”  She
paused.  “What’s the word?”

“Pride?”  Uriah helpfully supplied,
calmly insulting himself without a second thought.

“Yeah, that’s it.”  Allerleirauh
decided.  “You were always more the ‘snotty murderess’ type.  I mean, this
coming from the woman who once gave a speech to the kingdom entitled: ‘Peasants
are meaningless.’”

“Well, to be fair, they kind of
are
.” 
Uriah added seriously, believing that made perfect sense.  “If they weren’t,
they…”

“Baby, I got this.”  Ransom patted
his chest.  “Thanks though.”  She focused on her sister again.  “So… are you
going to try to stop us from leaving this place?”

“Depends.”  Allerleirauh crossed
her hands over her chest, the sound of her metal hands scraping against her
armor.  “If I
do
, you going to kill me like you did Karen?  Because I
don’t really want to wear the Devil’s Red Shoes, Jinshu.  I’m a terrible dancer
even when my feet
aren’t
being burned in scalding hot iron boots.”

Uriah snorted in laughter, still
amused over the torture, then tried to cover it in a cough.

Ransom shook her head.  “I have no
intention of fitting you for a pair, Allie.”  He voice darkened again.  “Not
unless you make me.”

“Dammit, changed my mind, take me
with you!”  Ryle called to them as he came up behind them.  “That old lady is
worse than ever!  I should have known she was too mean to die!”

“And this is…”  Allerleirauh asked
expectantly.

“Hostage.”  Ransom explained. 

“Ignore him.”  Uriah finished for
her.

Allerleirauh made a small “Mmm”
sound of apathetic understanding.  “Nice to meet you, Hostage.”

Ryle started to correct her, then
paused.  “You know what?  I’m just going to go with it.”  He stepped forward. 
“Hi, I’m Hostage.  Good to meet you.  Gotta say, I do enjoy getting kidnapped
by the Adithians more than the Cormoranians, the Baselanders, the pirates, the
Grizzwood-Wasteland folk, or the giant monster spiders.  I’ve experimented with
abductions by just about everyone now, and you Adithians are probably my
favorite.  You’re committed to it, you know?  Not to mention that you’re
gorgeous
and you just have a certain confidence in your evil which I always like to see
in my captors.”

“Aw, what a charming man.”  Allerleirauh
decided.  “I can see why you felt compelled to use force in order to keep him
around, Jinshu.”  She was quiet for a moment.  “The Southern Isles are
mine
.” 
She said flatly, returning to their main topic.

“Take’em.”  Ransom shrugged in
indifference.  “I’m not a politician or a diplomat.  I have absolutely no
interest in becoming queen or empress or anything else.  I’m a pirate.  Life
and death under the black flag.”  She crossed her arms over her chest.  “You
stay in your corner of the world and we’ll stay in ours.”

Dom and the old lady continued to
scream at each other over the gold.  If they even noticed the Adithians, they
gave no indication.

“Alright.”  Allerleirauh took a
step back, evidently willing to accept that.  “For what it’s worth… you’re a
lot nicer now.  To be honest, I never really liked you, Jinshu.  You’ve always
been a cruel and manipulative bitch.  But I don’t hate you to
quite
so
much an extreme and all-consuming level this way.  You ever need anything or
just feel like having lunch together or something, you come see me.”  She
paused meaningfully, deliberately referencing Ransom’s blindness.  “Or… you
know.”

“Yeah, maybe I’ll drop in one day,”
Ransom retorted, “you know, if I ever need you to
give me a hand
.”

They were both quiet for a moment,
each trying to decide how angry they were over the other’s insult.

“You bitch.”  Allerleirauh spat
out.

“Freak.”

“At least I can look at myself in a
mirror.”  Allerleirauh’s voice went up an octave in anger.

“Yeah, and what are you gonna
hold
it with?” 
Ransom took a step forward.
  “Your fucking feet?
”

Allerleirauh drew her sword.  “Maybe
I
will
just kill you and your friends right here!”

“Go ahead and try!”  Ransom grabbed
her knife and flicked it open.  “It’ll just prove that dad really did always have
terrible taste in women!
”

“Ouch.”  Ryle gasped in
astonishment.  “Seriously?  I think that’s over the line.  Holy fuck, that’s
cruel.”

“Uh… Dove?”  Uriah took her by the
shoulders and gently tried to guide her from the confrontation.  “Should I…?”

“I got this,” she waved him off, “don’t
worry.”

He cleared his throat.  “I just
think that maybe antagonizing her isn’t…”

“I said I got this!”  She insisted. 
“You understand the Wastelanders, I understand my psychotic bitch of a sister,
okay?”  She patted him on his chest.  “Trust me here.”

“I can’t believe I really spent so
many years trying to find you again.”  Allerleirauh thought aloud, sounding
disgusted with herself.

“You were looking for me so that
you could
kill me
.”  Ransom reminded her.

“Oh yeah.”  That seemed to cheer
the girl up.  “Well, that makes perfect sense then.”