Nobody Likes Fairytale Pirates (50 page)

They were both silent, the sounds
of the screaming behind them the only noise on the otherwise empty shoreline.

“Sooo…”  Allerleirauh drew out.  “This
is an ‘and then they both backed slowly away from one another’ kind of thing,
right?  Because if we’re going to fight or vow revenge against each other, I’m
going to think of something scarier to say to you right here instead of this.”

“I can live with that.”  Ransom
agreed, then thought of something.  “Oh, but we’re taking my partner’s ship
back.  It’s part of your pirate fleet. 
The Deceitful Whore
.”  She
pointed at Uriah.  “It’s his.  He’s mine.  I’ll
kill us all
before I let
you have it.”

“I can live with that.  It’s docked
in the cove.”  Allerleirauh decided, turning on her heel and starting back down
the beach.  “Goodbye… Ransom.”

Ransom nodded in acknowledgement.  “Allie.”

They were all silent as the
Adithians left the beach as quickly as they had arrived.

“You have an… uhh…” Uriah struggled
to find the right word, “
interesting
family.”

“Don’t I though?”  She began to
make her way across the sand towards the cove where their long-lost ship was
docked.  “Now let’s spend the rest of our lives avoiding them and pretending
like they don’t even exist.”

“It never ceases to amaze me how
attuned our minds our, Dove.  That’s just what
I
was thinking.”  He put
his arm around her.  “We’ll add my family to the list as well, yes?”  He
cleared his throat as a new idea occurred to him.  “So, should we…”  He began.

“Let them have the gold.”  She
decided.  “It’s not worth getting involved.”

“It’s a
lot
of gold, Dove.” 
He argued.

“Trust me.”  She said simply. 
“It’s not worth our time.  And the Swab deserves it for helping us out so much.”

The argument between the old lady
and the ogre reached new levels of volume and fury.

“I can’t believe they’re
still
screaming
at each other!”  Ryle ran after them on the beach, like a puppy following them
home.  “Are you sure I can’t come with you?  Please?”

“I know I keep saying this, but I
just can’t help it.”  He complained, stepping onto the deck of his ship.  “I’m
sorry, but that was
a lot
of money.”

“No amount of money is worth dying
for.”  She reminded him, strolling up behind him.  “We don’t need it.”

“I
always
need chests filled
with gold.”  He retorted, busying himself with straightening up the deck of his
long-lost vessel.  “It’s the…”  He trailed off, suddenly processing where he
was standing.  “We did it.”  He said softly.  “We actually did it.”

“Hurray.”  She hopped up onto the
railing beside him and rested her elbow on his shoulder.  “I don’t really have
the best memories of this ship, Uriah.”  She arched a brow.  “So I think you’re
going to have to work pretty hard to get me to love it as much as you do.”

“I love this ship.”  He agreed,
holding out his arm so that Dinner could fly off to perch in the rigging. 
“It’s… freedom.  It means I can go anywhere I want to go.”

“We’ve had other ships.”  She
sounded completely unmoved by the return of Uriah’s prized possession.  “You
never gave two shits or a damn about any of them.”

“Because they weren’t mine!  They
weren’t named after my mother.  And they’re not… they’re not where I first met
you
.” 
He pointed to a large discolored spot in the wood beneath the mast.  “My blood
is literally staining the decks!”

“Again, I’m really going to
question why that’s a good thing.”  She hoped down from the railing.  “Because
as it is, this is just the ship where we both almost died.”  She started off
towards the Captain’s quarters.  "And this whole place has to be
thoroughly cleaned, because your ex-crew was disgusting.  It smells
terrible
.”

“It’ll clean right up!”  He called
to her defensively, feeling insulted that she’d criticize his baby.  “She’s
just had a few rough years, that’s all.  You can’t judge her by a few dings and
a little dirt.”  He grabbed the nearby mop.  “Give it a few days and you won’t
even recognize her!”  He shoved the mop into Ryle’s hands.  “Here, make
yourself useful.” 

The boy gasped in indignation.  “I
shouldn’t have to clean!”  He shook the mop at him.  “I’m the first mate!  You
said!”

Uriah shrugged, as if helpless to
change the way of the world.  “You’re the low man on the totem pole, I’m
afraid.”  He clapped his hand on the boy’s back to show his support.  “Start
with the captain’s quarters, then work your way up to the forecastle.”  He
started off to begin readying the vessel for the trip back to civilization,
where he could find additional crewmen.  “There’s a good lad.”

“This sucks, Uriah!”  Ryle snapped
at him, slamming the mop down onto the deck.  “I think you’re deliberately
sticking me with all the shit you don’t want to do!”

Uriah turned around to face him and
gave a theatrical bow.  “It’s called being the
captain
.” 

Ransom stopped at the door to the
cabin, then paused.  She turned around to face them.  “Thanks, Ryle.”  She said
sincerely.  “Sorry we dragged you along in this… but I’m glad we did.  You
really helped us.  And you’re a good man.  Don’t ever let us change that,
okay?”

The boy was silent for a moment,
then nodded, appearing strangely moved by the praise.

“She can’t see you nod, Swab.” 
Uriah rolled his eyes.  “Idiot.”

“You know what,” Ryle rounded on
him, “I like her sooooo much more than I like
you
.”

“That makes two of us.  I’m an
asshole.”  Uriah started up the stairs, whistling a jaunty tune.  “Now
get
to work
.  If you know any songs, it really makes the mopping go faster.”

****

“You know, I think that boy is
going to work out nicely.”  Uriah remarked, closing the door to the captain’s
quarters, later that evening.  “All day on our crew and he hasn’t mutinied even
once.  Yes, he’s threatened it, but thus far, he hasn’t put in a genuine effort
to kill us yet.”

Ransom’s eyebrows soared.  “This
could be a record.” 

“I know!”  He agreed.  “I daresay,
I don’t even know how to deal with it.”

“He’s a good kid,” she chastised,
“don’t be too rough on him.”

“Oh, he’s fine.”  Uriah waved off
her concern.  “I’m just teasing the lad.  It’s how men bond.”

“Uh-huh.”  She didn’t sound
convinced.

“I gave him a job, didn’t I?”  He
took off his hat and hung it on the familiar coat hook.  “Welcomed him into my
family?”

“You kidnapped him, actually.  And
now you’re using him as slave labor.”  She reminded him.  “I think he’s just
sticking with us for the ride back to Cormoran because he doesn’t want to
listen to his brother-in-law and that old lady argue anymore.”  She made a
face.  “Not that I blame him.”

He rolled his eyes and made an
aggravated sound.  “Oh, don’t remind me!”  He hung up his coat.  “That’s
my
gold
they’re fighting over!”  He grasped at the air in irritation.  “I had it in my
hands, Dove.  It was right here and then we just gave it away.”

“We don’t need it.”  She repeated. 
“We have everything we need.”

He heaved a resigned sigh, tossing
his weapons onto one of the padded chairs.  “I suppose.”

“I have something for you.”  She
said calmly, sitting on the edge of his bed.  “I think you’ll like it.”

“I don’t see…”  He began, then
trailed off, suddenly hoping it was what he thought it was.  “Oh.”  He
swallowed in anticipation.  “Okay.”  He started towards her.  “I’d prefer… you
know…
that
to gold anyway.”

He made it across the room in two
large strides, intending to take her in his arms.  He’d put Ryle in charge of
cleaning the room and changing all the bedding, and the boy had done quite a
lot of complaining about it, but now Uriah was glad he’d been willing to endure
the lad’s drama.  This was going to…

“Wait, wait…”  Ransom pulled away
from him and held up her hands.  “Don’t.”  She shook her head.  “Not yet.  Just
stay there.”  She shooed him away.  “Back where you were.” 

“Do I have to?”  He reluctantly
returned to his original spot.  “Why?”

She smiled.  “Now… take your
clothes off.”

His mouth fell open.  “You can’t
see me anyway.”

“But I’ll know it all the same.” 
She rearranged herself on the bed, excited.  “Do it.”

He rolled his eyes.  “Okay, they’re
off.”  He said a second later, unwilling to waste the time it would require
because he simply wanted to touch her.  Now.

“Oh, they are not!”  She snapped,
crossing her arms over her chest.  “You’re such a liar!”

“But I don’t…”

She snapped her fingers and pointed
at him.

He continued to grumble, but shed
his clothing.  As soon as he did, he began to feel terribly awkward for some
reason and he shifted on his feet.

“Is it off?”

“Yep.”

“Are you lying?”

“Sadly, no.”

She rearranged herself on the bed
again, bringing her legs up.  “Oh, I
like
this.”  She said to herself,
smiling.  “This is fun.”

“I really don’t see what you could
possibly get out of this.”

“I get to think about you naked. 
And the fun of realizing that you’ll take off your clothes if I tell you to.” 
She nodded again.  “And I like that.”

“Uh-huh.”

“How hard are you right now?”  She
inquired innocently. 

“Such talk!”  He gasped
theatrically.  “You’re making me blush, Dove.”

“Uh-huh.”  She arched an eyebrow,
unwilling to let the question drop.

“Um…
very
.”  He shifted
again, feeling oddly embarrassed.  He was a confident man, but he wasn’t used
to being quite so… exposed.  “I am very, very ready for you.”

“Good.”  She straightened on the
bed.  “Take off my clothes.”

Those had been the words he’d been
waiting for and he practically ran for the bed, his hands on her body
immediately, all but tearing her poncho off.

Her hand deliberately brushed
against his naked thigh and she smiled at him softly.  “My… you weren’t
kidding, were you?”

He gritted his teeth against the
surge of lust, trying to ignore the feeling of her hand on him, too focused on
his goal of getting her naked to worry about anything else.

She casually wrapped her legs
around him, so that the fabric of her pants brushed against his body.  She was
obviously getting off on the fact that he was naked and she was fully dressed. 

Uriah had other things on his mind
though.

She’d better enjoy the feeling for
as long as she could, because he aimed to have her naked and screaming in
pleasure within seconds.

He shoved her pants down and yanked
her shirt over her head, frantic to see her breasts.  Feel her skin pressed
against him.  He tore the garment off and tossed it aside in one motion, his
hand moving to caress her flesh… 

Then stopped.

“Oh, did I forget to mention
that?”  Ransom asked calmly.  She straightened and trailed her fingertip along
one of the glittering chains which hung from her neck.  “I’m a
pirate
. 
You really think I’m going to walk through a treasure room and not pocket as
much as I possibly can?”

“When did you have time for that?” 
He breathed in amazement.

“Well, you were killing my brother
at the time.”  She moved so that the chains made a musical sound as her perfect
flesh bounced.  Uriah’s body got harder, loving the sight of her soft skin and
the hard glittering metals.  “You were right, by the way, sometimes knowing a
color can be
very
useful.  In this case, you said one of the chests in
the room was white.  And my people only store
one kind
of thing in white
chests.”  She held up one of the chains.  “They’re Adithian silver.  Like your
sword.  Ancient and exceptionally valuable.”

He tried to look at the silver, but
most of his attention was focused on his partner’s nipple, which was peeking
out from between the links of one of the chains.  “How exceptionally
‘exceptionally’ are we talking?”

“
Exceptionally
exceptionally.  Ostentatiously valuable to the point of being an affront to the
gods and making them irrelevant.  You and I could buy all of Cormoran with
these, with plenty left over to expand our personal empire.  To say nothing of
the value of the gems… or the sword.”  She let the chain drop back into place. 
“The gold Ryle, the ogre, and the old lady are arguing about is worthless in
comparison.”  She smiled icily.  “I told you we didn’t need it.  Because we are
now some of the richest people in existence.”

He processed that for a moment,
finding himself still more interested in her being so close to topless than he
was about his newfound status as tycoons.  “I’ve been rich since the day I met
you.”

She made a face.  “But I mean a
ctual
riches and not your bullshit poetic but
nauseatingly
romantic ‘riches.’” 
She slapped at him in good-natured annoyance.  “Use your head, dope.”  She
straightened and used her palms to gently push him back a step.  “So, this is
what I’m giving you.”  She swallowed and gestured to herself.  “You have
all
of me.”  She trailed her hand along the necklaces and pendants which dangled
between her breasts.  “Everything you see is
yours
, Uriah.”  She slowly
slid off her panties, held them up and then let them drop from her fingers
seductively.  “
Everything.
”

He drank in the acres of naked
flesh, adorned with priceless silver, and all he could get out was a hoarse
groan of pure lust.  Every muscle in his body tensed, fighting for control
against the impulse to grab her.  Just grab her and
take
what was his.

“Oh, you like that do you?”  She
smiled, trying to act calm despite the fact her breathing had audibly quickened. 
“Did I tell you one other interesting fact about my old life?”  She smiled
evilly.  “I’m
really
good at desserts.”

His eyebrows rose in surprise, not
sure he heard that right.  “You were an evil warlord who…
baked?
”

“I was a complicated woman.”

“Sounds like.”

“There’s nothing that says you
can’t be both ‘torture-y’ and ‘domestic’ though.”  She defended, sounding almost
insulted.

“No… I suppose not.”

She sniffed in indignation.  “Adithia
has the best bakers in the world.”

“According to them.”

“Desserts, puddings, sweet rolls. 
You name it.  It’s one of our main arts.”  She shifted on the bed.  “In my case
though, I think it was just because the fire turned me on.  Sometimes I
wouldn’t even eat what I made, in fact.  Just watch it burn, while I…”  She
cleared her throat.  “I… I wasn’t a good person.” 

“I think that’s the most incredible
thing I can possibly imagine.  Like, Dove, you weren’t a ‘good’ person, you
sound like you were the ‘
best’
person!  I told you that you were judging
your old self too harshly.”

“I thought you’d like it.”

“I’m
quite
taken with the
idea of you sitting around after a hard day of being evil, watching your cake
bake in a fiery oven and…”

“It wasn’t… it wasn’t just because
I liked to…”  She cleared her throat.  “I mean, sometimes I actually ate the…”

“Don’t ruin it for me now.”  He
trailed the back of his hand down her shoulder.

She sucked in a breath.  “Wow…”

He touched her face.  “The
blindfold too.”

“I… I don’t know…”  She shook her
head.  “It… it might be creepy for you.  I don’t know what they look like now.”

“Then we’ll find out together,
won’t we?  Because I love you.  I want to see all of you.  And for the record,
nothing about you could ever be creepy.”

She hesitantly reached for the
fabric which covered her eyes, then paused, having second thoughts.  She took a
deep breath.  “If… if you laugh or feel sorry for me, Uriah, I’m going to kick
your ass, do you understand me?”