Nobody Loves a Bigfoot Like a Bigfoot Babe (15 page)

HIROSHI, ONE OF THE 20-something Japanese tourists who had used several memory sticks of his camera at Abe's, awoke with a strong urge to relieve his bladder. He was not surprised, as he had drunk copious amounts of beer the previous night, and his head throbbed and his tongue felt like a Bigfoot had slept on it.

He shared the room with his older brother, Akira. They slept in single beds. He glanced over at his brother and could make out the shadowy shape tucked up in the neighboring bed.

Akira snored loudly indicating to his brother that he was asleep and equally as intoxicated on Abe's beer, for Akira only snored when he was drunk.

Hiroshi looked at the travel clock on his bedside table. It was two-thirty in the morning. The only light in the room came from the hall light that filtered through the gap under the door.

Hiroshi threw back the bedclothes. Wearing only boxer shorts with the rising sun emblazoned on the ass end, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and sprung to his feet with the agility of a cat. He moaned quietly as this action caused his head to ache even more. He quickly glanced over at his brother. He hadn't woken him.
Good
, thought Hiroshi, for it had taken several interminable hours of listening to Akira bleat on and on about the rumpus at the bar, and if he had awoken, he would continue all through the night.

Hiroshi picked up his black, silk kimono off a nearby chair. As he tied the kimono, Hiroshi quietly opened the door and peered into the hallway. He stepped out of his room and carefully closed the door without making a sound.

Unlike the FBI agents and several of his Japanese companions, Hiroshi and his brother were not fortunate enough to have a room with a private bathroom. They had to share a communal bathroom—of which there were two—on the second floor.

Hiroshi yawned and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Quietly, and with the light tread of someone trained in martial arts, he walked on bare feet down the hall towards the bathroom at the far end of the hallway. He had to pass the stairs to get to the bathroom. Something hit him like an express train of stink. He coughed.

And what he saw going down the stairs caused Hiroshi's sleepy eyes to widen with surprise. There before him was a stinky Bigfoot descending the stairs.

As if sensing someone was watching, the Bigfoot came to a sudden stop and looked over its shoulder. It stared at Hiroshi for a brief, wondrous moment.

Hiroshi blinked at the sight before his eyes. Was it a real Bigfoot or just someone dressed up as the creature? It looked real to Hiroshi, but since when did Bigfoot stay at hotels? His heart pounded with excitement, and with just a hint of fear, for supposing it was a real Bigfoot and was in a bad mood. It could attack. Hiroshi was a black belt in karate. He thought if the creature attacked he could defend himself, for this Bigfoot wasn't exactly as tall as everyone was made to believe.

"Bigfoot san . . . Hiroshi friend," he said pointing a finger at himself and bowing.

The Bigfoot looked away from Hiroshi with a growl and continued on its way down the stairs two steps at a time.

"Hey, Bigfoot, wait for me," Hiroshi called out excitedly in a raised voice. He pointed his finger at Bigfoot.

At that moment lights were turned on in virtually every room in the hotel. Frantic Japanese clambered with sleepy eyes for their cameras as the alert to the presence of a Bigfoot could be heard.

The Bigfoot became frantic also, and in its eagerness to flee, missed the lower step, tumbling onto the floor at the bottom of the stairs and rolling across the lobby.

Hiroshi charged down the stairs after the clumsy Bigfoot.

The Bigfoot got quickly to its feet, swaying slightly, as if it had had a little too much to drink.

Hiroshi reached the lower step and dived across the lobby. He grabbed a hold of the Bigfoot's furry ankle.

The furry creature wriggled itself free of Hiroshi's hold and gave the Japanese a hefty kick, causing him to roll backwards across the floor. The Bigfoot then made haste to leave and headed for the main door to the hotel.

A stunned Hiroshi could only watch as the Bigfoot ran across the hotel lobby. He noticed the stunned look on the female desk clerk as she watched the incredible sight.

THE BIGFOOT HIROSHI had seen that night was none other than MB. His plan was to create a stir. The plan apparently succeeded. Why he did such a thing and allowed himself to become one with the Phantom Bigfoot was quite simple-he'd had too many at Abe's that night. And once Duane had told him he was the Phantom Bigfoot, MB jumped in with both big feet. Old Indian legend tells us that man who drinks too much gets up to all kinds of mischief.

BOTH FBI AGENTS, like the majority of those present in the hotel that summer's night, had been awoken by Hiroshi's cry of Bigfoot. And like the majority of those present in the hotel that night, they opened their bedroom doors and stepped into the hallway to see what the commotion was all about.

Guests spilled out into the hallway. Excited Japanese with cameras and camcorders at the ready were eager to finally catch a glimpse of Bigfoot. Who would have thought it would be at the hotel?

MERLOT, DRESSED IN HER skimpy baby-doll, looked at a tousled-haired and sleepy-eyed Willis, dressed in his regulation white boxer shorts, as he stepped out into the hallway.

"Someone called out Bigfoot," Merlot commented with a yawn. She glanced down the hallway at the Japanese en masse making their way towards the stairs.

"Yeah, I heard," Willis replied with an irritated edge to his voice. "I was sound asleep."

Merlot glanced back at her partner and could see he wasn't in the best of moods by the scowl on his face. She knew her partner was always in a better frame of mind if he'd had a good night's sleep. If he didn't he could be real touchy, not that anyone could tell the difference these days.

"Go back to bed. I'll see what's going on," Merlot offered.

"What's the point . . . I'm awake now. Huh, won't get back off to sleep now, anyway. Better get dressed and see what's going on."

Merlot nodded her head in agreement as she attempted to go back into her room, but was swept away by the throng of guests heading for the stairs.

Willis was also swept away by the tide of fervent, camera-happy guests, most of which were Japanese.

MERLOT AND WILLIS LISTENED TO an excited Hiroshi pointing at the hotel exit and exclaiming in a confused mixture of Japanese and English what he had seen. Neither agent could speak Japanese, but Merlot quickly deduced that Hiroshi had seen someone dressed up in a Bigfoot costume leaving the hotel through the lobby door. Probably that piece of driftwood, Duane!

Merlot was all smiles, for unlike her cranky partner, she didn't mind being woken up, especially for something as stupid as this. "Must have been someone dressed up in a Bigfoot costume . . ." She chuckled, ". . . Unless Bigfoot likes room service. Wouldn't surprise me in this town."

A petite Japanese woman, dressed in a red kimono, ran down the stairs holding something in her hand and waving it excitedly in the air.

"Bigfoot photo. Bigfoot photo," she gasped in a voice breathless with excitement.

The FBI agents gave her questioning looks as she made her way over to them.

The woman bowed. "Please, I found photo slid under door of bedroom."

She handed the photograph to Merlot.

Merlot and Willis looked with total surprise at the photograph of a Bigfoot seated upon a toilet eating a doughnut. Both agents grimaced with disgust at the image totally lacking in couth.

"Yuck!" Willis said.

"Double yuck. How can anyone eat on the toilet?" Merlot exclaimed.

"Exactly," Willis agreed with a shudder.

Several Japanese who were standing nearby spied the photograph with excited gasps.

Akira exclaimed, "It's the sewial bather." He stared at Merlot's body.

Willis turned from the lurid photograph. He glanced at his partner and saw the grin on her face. "This keeps getting worse."

IT TOOK SHERIFF LOU forty minutes to show up at the hotel and by then Dwight had already taken Hiroshi's and the Japanese woman's statements. She was in a very low mood, having to scramble into her cop's outfit and sober up with a couple of cups of strong black coffee.

All of the sheriff's deputies were on the scene and asking questions when Lou walked in through the lobby door, a little wobbly on her feet. She saw Willis resplendent in his boxer shorts talking to a Japanese woman and Dwight. She saw the elderly hotel owner, Grace, handing out cups of tea and coffee with biscuits to her excited guests.

Merlot looked in Lou's direction and attracted her over with a wave of her hand.

Lou approached the agent slowly, careful not to make it obvious that she was a little unsteady on her feet. She knew if any of her deputies asked her to walk in a straight line, she would fail. Thankfully, it was impossible to do that in the crowded room. Her weaving this way and that to dodge excited guests helped hide her drunken state.

"Agent Merlot," she said in a matter-of-fact tone of voice. On noticing Merlot's see-through attire, Lou removed her jacket and handed it to her. She saw the disappointed looks on the men and heard their sighs.

Merlot gave Lou the photograph to look at, suppressing a fit of the giggles while putting on Lou's jacket. "Thank you, Lou."

"Don't mention it." Lou grimaced as she studied the image of the Bigfoot eating the doughnut. She shook her head and frowned.
Hold on—the MO was different
. The Phantom Bigfoot entered people's homes and bathed or whatever he did-he never left a photo of said crime. She looked up from the photograph and noticed Willis staring at her. She made eye contact with him but was distracted by the sound of Merlot's giggles.

Lou gave Merlot a cool look then looked back at the photograph, for something didn't gel.

"The toilet doesn't match any of the toilets in the hotel," she commented. "They're all white low flush jobs to save our precious water." Lou paused and looked thoughtful, "Though I'm not that much of an expert on Big Beaver's facilities . . . but I know this beige toilet from somewhere. Guess we'd have to do a house to house search." She paused again and gave another thoughtful look. "Well, this is certainly something new."

Dwight said, "Hey, Lou, we could put up posters around town and pictures on milk cartons? You know-has anyone seen this toilet?"

Merlot erupted into laughter at such a stupid suggestion.

Dwight looked upset at the effect his brilliant idea was having.

"Give your brain a rest, Dwight," Lou insisted with eyebrows raised.

"Could be a copycat . . . or it could be the perp has changed his MO by taking photographs of the . . ." Merlot faltered and bit down on her lower lip in an attempt to hold back a fit of the giggles.

Lou gave Merlot another cool look. She could see that the agent was about to break into a fresh bout of giggles.

"The crime scene," Lou said, finishing off Merlot's sentence.

Lou directed her attention towards Willis and couldn't believe how much of a complete fool she had been last night-no, make that
this
night. What an idiot she'd been to think they could get back together. It was over. Her chin began to wobble.

He'd changed so much. Just look at him. Look at that block of ice. To think she ever had a chance to thaw that iceberg? How could she still want him? Problem was-she did still want him-more than ever. Damn him!

"This sounds like Duane's doing," Dwight remarked, trying to restore what little dignity he ever had.

"Yeah, well duh . . . it goes without saying." Lou frowned. "Guess we'd better go ask him." As she spoke she and Willis tried to avoid eye contact and failed.

Willis had a pensive look on his face. He didn't say a word. He appeared deep in thought.

Lou's trusty gut told her that Willis had something other than the Phantom Bigfoot on his mind. She took a guess and thought he was thinking about what had happened between them earlier that night. She didn't know if that was a good thing or not.

Deputy Heidi overheard their conversation and pulled Sheriff Lou aside.

She whispered into Lou's ear, "Uh, it couldn't have been Duane."

"It couldn't?" Lou asked with a questioning frown on her face.

Heidi continued to whisper, "No way sheriff! He's been with me and Annie. We've sort of had him cuffed to the bed all night . . . well . . . almost all night. He stunk up the place so bad we gave him a sponge bath, and well, you know . . . one thing led to another."

It was no secret that Duane was doing the Bumsen Sisters. They sure had a thing for him, thought Lou. She'd heard talk that Duane was quite a vigorous lover when he put his mind to it. And he'd have to be damned vigorous to satisfy the Bumsen Sisters.

"You don't say," Lou said.

The FBI agents and Deputy Dwight watched and listened as Lou and Deputy Heidi talked about Duane's love life.

Lou knew she should be annoyed with Deputy Heidi for using sheriff's department issue handcuffs to facilitate a sexual act. She smiled. She could only imagine what the two sisters were capable of doing with Duane cuffed to the bed. She suppressed her desire to chuckle and remained serious-faced. This she had to see.

"Come on, Heidi."

* * *

LESS THAN TEN MINUTES later—the time it took for both agents to get dressed—Sheriff Lou, Willis, Merlot and Deputy Heidi stood in the alley outside a door marked private. Familiar muted music could be heard.

Lou and the agents followed Deputy Heidi through an alleyway entrance and up a flight of narrow stairs to the apartment above Annie's Diner. Lou recognized James Brown's timeless classic "
Sex Machine
" blasting through the building.

They reached the upper hallway and stood on the landing listening to the words—"
Get on up like a sex machine
."

"This way," Deputy Heidi said as she led the way down the hallway.

The sheriff and the FBI agents followed.

Outside a closed door to one of the rooms, Deputy Heidi halted. The sheriff and the FBI agents did the same.

They listened to the loud music coming from within the room.

Just as Lou put her hand on the doorknob, Annie came down the hall carrying a tray with food. She was wearing a sexy, female Native-American outfit and Bigfoot slippers.

Annie froze in surprise at the sight of the unexpected visitors. She gave her sister a questioning look.

"Oh . . . hi, Annie, we need to speak to Duane," her sister explained.

"Sure thing," Annie replied, a little unsure of the situation.

"Someone dressed in a Bigfoot outfit caused quite a ruckus at the hotel just over an hour ago," Lou explained.

Annie shrugged her shoulders. "Ooh, you don't say."

"Can you confirm that Duane has been with you for the past two hours?" Willis asked in his regulation voice.

Annie's eyes rounded and she gave a naughty grin. "Oh yeah, I can confirm Duane's been with me for the past few hours."

As Annie spoke, Lou turned the doorknob and opened the door. She looked inside the candlelit room with its mirrored ceiling.

And there, cuffed by his ankles and wrists to a big four-poster bed with police issue restraints, was Duane. He was almost naked, apart from a leather loincloth that barely covered his goods.

James Brown went silent. A muted pause filled the air.

Lou gave a wry smile. She knew she should look away from the sight of Duane spread-eagled on the bed, but couldn't. She was thankful he didn't have a hard on, that would have been too much.

The FBI agents and Deputy Heidi looked into the room and saw Duane, apparently asleep. The music started up with Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Love."

Robert Palmer sang, "
The lights are on, but no one's home.
"

Lou looked at Duane and smirked. That line sure summed him up.

Willis grimaced with disgust.

Merlot sniggered then giggled, "What's gonna happen next?" She had to shout above the music. She immortalized Duane on her cell phone, blurting out, "Nicely hung for a piece of driftwood."

Willis gave a sharp look to Merlot.

Merlot shrugged it off with a poke of her tongue.

Duane opened his eyes and looked at his audience with a wide sloppy grin on his face.

"Hi, guys."

Lou had to bite down on her lower lip to stop herself from laughing. It wouldn't do to have a fit of the giggles in front of Willis and Merlot. She needed to be professional about all of this and laughing like a schoolgirl was not the way to go about the place if she wanted to maintain appearances. She was the sheriff, not like Merlot, a giggling twinkie. She gave Merlot a quick look to stop giggling.

Merlot couldn't stop.

"Duane, I don't know what to say," Lou smirked, walking a few paces into the room.

The FBI agents followed the sheriff into the room, followed by Annie with the tray in her hands.

Showing no sign of embarrassment at being caught with his pants off, Duane continued to smile. "Real nice to see you all," he said, waving rather limply. "Come on in and take a load off."

Merlot suddenly burst out into paroxysms of laughter. "This is too much."

Willis gave his partner a scathing look, but didn't say anything. He had to bite his lip from joining Merlot in laughter.

Merlot's infectious laughter was all Lou needed to hear. She began to laugh, though it was no more than a titter and chuckle.

"Duane! You sure look a sight to behold."

"Why, thank you, Lou," he agreed with a boyish grin.

Willis' disgusted look began to falter and the corners of his lips turned upwards into a smile. And if anyone looked close enough they would have seen the humor in his eyes.

"Duane, you horny, dumbass bastard," Willis said with a smirk.

Both sisters joined in on the merriment and started laughing.

Duane nodded his head in agreement, "That I am, Willis. That I am."

"How long have you been . . . uh . . . here like this, Duane?" Lou asked, thoroughly amused.

Duane tried to look at his wristwatch, only to see he wasn't wearing one, "Can't honestly say, Lou." He looked to Annie for an answer.

Annie, still holding the tray, filled in the timeslot, "It's gotta be at least . . . four times ago . . . oh, I'd say three hours. That's about right, Heidi?"

Deputy Heidi nodded in agreement with absolutely no hint of embarrassment.

Lou looked impressed with Duane's sexual endurance. She was about to leave when something dawned on her. "Oh by the way, where's your Bigfoot costume?"

"It's being aired," Annie chipped in.

Lou seemed satisfied with Annie's reply and left.