North Star Guide Me Home (20 page)

Isidro turned to Sierra, and they regarded each other in silence. Then, moving slowly and stiffly, Isidro returned to his seat on the wagon tongue.

She didn’t know what to say. He didn’t talk to her these days. Feeling lost, Sierra crouched down to warm her hands over the flames.

‘Sirri …’ he said. The sound of her name sent a shiver down her back. She’d longed to hear it from his lips …

She twisted around to meet his gaze.

‘Is that what it’s like for you?’ he said. ‘The blood. The noise. The heat and the flames and the screaming.’

She looked down at the mud-churned turf, and nodded. ‘You used to fight in battles. Weren’t they the same? I always thought —’

‘Not the same. You don’t get the power, the roar of it, like a storm inside of you. And I never fought in wars, like this. Skirmishes, not battlefields a thousand strong.’

‘You get used to it,’ Sierra said. ‘At least you’re thinking clearly now, and they won’t try that trick again.’

‘Hmm,’ he said.

Her legs ached too much to stay crouched on the soft mud. She moved to perch beside him. He inched away, and Sierra couldn’t tell if he was making room or edging away from her. Then he saw her studying the old blood crusted on his jacket and dropped his gaze with a flush.

‘You’d feel better if you got out of those rags,’ she said.

‘Maybe. But I wanted you to see what I’ve done.’

‘What you did? Isidro, you saved the camp. They lured us away, me and Cam, and we fell for it like a fox stalking a feigning plover. If you hadn’t been here, if you hadn’t turned to Rasten …’

‘I tried to reach you first,’ Isidro said. ‘I couldn’t find you. I understand why, now, I think. Could you … could you reach me?’

‘Not for a while now,’ Sierra said. ‘You … you made it clear you didn’t want me to.’

He raised a hand to his face, and winced as he found the mask of blood and dirt. ‘I … I wasn’t thinking clearly —’

‘I know,’ Sierra said, ‘but it’s fixed now.’

‘Mm,’ Isidro said, staring out across the forest of grey tents. ‘So … does this mean I’m a Blood-Mage now?’

Sierra shook her head. ‘No. Blood Magic is something you do, not what you are.’

‘Then what else could I be? Last night —’

‘How much of that was you, and how much Rasten? Could you have done it without him? And I know for a fact that he didn’t teach you how to do it. He’d sooner die than pass on Kell’s lore.’

Isidro scrubbed a hand through his hair with a sigh and leant forward, resting his elbows on his knees. It was the first time Sierra had seen him do such a thing with his truncated right arm.

He held his left hand before him, and as he clenched it into a fist Sierra felt a sharp tug at the column of energy wrapped around her spine. Power coalesced around his fist, a red glow, somewhere between the hue of fresh blood and bright flame. With the pull of it, the aching of weary muscles grew deeper.

‘He didn’t teach me,’ Isidro said. ‘But that doesn’t mean I didn’t learn a thing or two.’

Sierra felt her hands clench, and her heart started to beat harder. ‘If you want power, just ask for it,’ she said, trying to keep her voice even.

He turned dark, impassive eyes on her. He expected her to break the contact, Sierra realised — he didn’t know that the time she’d spent with Kell and Rasten had conditioned her not to resist. Even after they’d wrenched free of Kell’s grasp, she hadn’t broken that conditioning. ‘Issey, stop. Please.’

‘I …’ Sweat had broken out across his brow. ‘I can’t …’

She clenched her teeth. Gathering her power made her shirt feel instantly damp, her mouth as dry as a desert.
Don’t fall for it,
a small, fearful voice in the back of her head said.
It’s a trick, he’ll make you pay —

Shut up,
she growled at herself.
He’s dead and gone.
She clenched down on her power and snapped the tendril that had grown into her like a sucker-vine.

His power snarled in fury at being thwarted, rearing back to lash at her, but it was a small, weak thing, half-starved, despite the feast that had fuelled it last night. Her power was a different beast entirely. Once the sucker-vine was uprooted, that conditioning to passivity simply fell away, and her power turned with the fury of a tiger taunted by jays. With a roar it smacked that small, snarling beast down.

Isidro doubled over, snatching at the wagon-tongue for balance, his shoulders wracked with shudders.

Once she had her power firmly in hand, she reached for him. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘I don’t know how to do it gently. Kell taught me not to do it, ever, and it’s hard to go against the training.’

As she spoke, she let some power flow into him, and felt his body grow warm under her hands. She’d scattered his power, and she didn’t want to leave him dry when it was helping him think clearly at last.

It took long moments for his shivering to subside. ‘Don’t apologise,’ he said at last. ‘I didn’t mean to do it, not like that, and then I couldn’t stop … by the Black Sun, Sirri, what is this? I don’t even know what I am anymore.’

‘Hush,’ she said. ‘It’ll be alright. You’re the same man you always were.’

‘No,’ he said, ‘I’m not.’

‘You are!’

He bowed his head, eyes squeezed closed, his voice hoarse. ‘Sirri … I don’t want to be a monster.’

‘You’re not! I know what happened to you, Issey, I felt it. It was just a dirty trick Kell pulled to get the upper hand. Do you think that one moment makes you like him, or like Rasten?’

‘But it’s in me now, Sirri. The taint is bone-deep. There’s no way to dig it out. I don’t know how to handle this! How do you bear it?’

She pressed her face against his arm; temple and cheek against the coarse, scratching wool. ‘I … I don’t know. It’s … it has always been this way. I know Delphine said Kell corrupted me, but I don’t remember a time I didn’t draw power from pain. I never wanted to hurt anyone, but by all the Gods, when they came after me I’d be cursed if I didn’t use everything I have to defend myself! Isidro, none of us can help the way we’re made. Having this power doesn’t make you a Blood-Mage. It’s what you do with it that counts.’

He unknotted his hand from the wagon-tongue, and rested his elbow on his knee, burying his face in his palm. ‘What about where it comes from?’ Isidro said. ‘Where does that factor into it? I’ve always been able to draw power from others, but it’s stronger now. I just wanted you to see, and I lost control. What if I did it to Delphine, or the baby? When I woke up in that cursed gorge I was lost in fog, but I knew that little mite was in her belly. If I harm a helpless babe, Sirri, I —’

‘You’ll master it. Isidro, I’m convinced there’s nothing you can’t do if you put your mind to it. I’ll help you as much as I can.’

He gazed down at her. ‘How?’ he demanded. ‘How can you teach me? Your power follows different rules, it always has —’

‘I … I know. I wish I could do more. I’m sorry, Issey.’

His eyes turned cold. For a brief moment, Sierra felt very small and very aware of her travel-stained clothes and her tangled hair. ‘You say that a lot,’ he said.

The words hit her like a slap to the face. She tried not to flinch and drew a ragged breath. ‘It’s the truth. Would it be better not to say it? I’m just … I’m doing the best I can, same as you.’

He looked her over, biting his lip. He seemed about to speak, but then he turned away.

‘What?’ Sierra said.

‘Nothing. Never mind. Look, I should get cleaned up. I stink like a cursed charnel-house.’

She knew a dismissal when she heard one. Sierra stood, wiping her sweaty hands on her trousers. In truth, the reek of old blood threatened to take her right back to Kell’s dungeons. ‘I’ll leave you to it, then,’ she said, and walked away. She made herself keep her back straight, her head up. Only when she was out of his sight did she let herself wipe away the spilling tears.

Isidro sat there for some time, wondering at how he felt so hollow, so empty. Part of him wanted to call Sierra back, to wrap his arms around her and lose himself in her as he had so many times before … but another part wanted to curse her with every name under the Twin Suns. He wouldn’t be here now if she hadn’t come into his life. Where he would be was impossible to say … but it would be anywhere but here, with the remains of last night’s slaughter still seething in the pit of his belly.

It’s not her fault
, Isidro told himself.
It’s no one’s fault. The avalanche falls, and you hope to be thrown clear … but if not, there’s nothing to do but dig yourself out, or else wait for the Black Sun to take you.

He forced himself to his feet, and hunted around until he found a bucket of water and a cake of soap that had been left out for laundry. Isidro stripped off, throwing his filthy and stinking clothes into the flames before setting to work with soap and water. It was only then that he remembered he had nothing to replace them with — and by then there was nothing to be done but shrug and get on with it.

The wide purple scars on his chest and belly stood stark against his pale skin, livid and angry. Once the blood and grime had been sluiced away, he tipped the bucket over his head in a final rinse, and as the water drained away he heard squelching footsteps heading towards him. Shaking the water from his eyes, he found Cam watching him, with a set of clean clothes thrown over his shoulder and bowl of steaming liquid in one hand. With a grimace, Cam moved away from the fire, wrinkling his nose at the reek of scorching wool, and hung the clean set of clothing over the wagon to keep them out of the mud and then set the bowl down.

After stripping the excess water from his skin as best he could, Isidro dressed, the damp wool warmer than the winter air.

‘Better,’ Cam said with a nod. ‘You look like a man again, not a demon from the Fires Below. Now sit down and let me clean up your face.’

He kept forgetting about the wound there, even though it stung when he spoke. He sat on the wagon-tongue again as Cam laid a wet cloth across Isidro’s face to soak away the dried blood. Then he took a step back, hooking his thumbs into his belt. ‘Looks like the Akharians are still running. You scared the daylights out of them, Issey. I’m cursed glad you chose to come back to us when you did.’

‘It … wasn’t exactly a choice,’ Isidro said.

Cam shrugged. ‘Figure of speech. But alright, then. Tell me what happened.’

‘Sirri didn’t explain it?’

‘She told me what she knew … but it was all passed on through Rasten, until she was finally able to reach you after it was all over. Are you back to normal now? Or will you go back to the way you’ve been for these last few months?’

Normal?
Isidro thought.
There is no normal anymore.
‘I think … I think I’m running off power. I don’t truly understand … it’s like a flame — wood, oil or candlewax all burn. Different source, same result. You follow?’

‘I suppose so,’ Cam said. ‘Sirri said it was blood loss making you weak. Do you mean to say that the power has … what, taken up the slack?’

‘Something like that.’

‘But why now?’

The cuts to his face were starting to sting. He didn’t want to talk about it. He was so weary — he only wanted to lie down somewhere and forget all of this.

Cam was waiting patiently. He owed him an explanation, Isidro conceded. He owed him the truth. Cam was responsible for keeping these folk safe, he deserved to know what they faced. ‘You know what Kell did?’

‘That trap he sprang on you? Delphi said it was an initiation?’

‘He set me on the Blood Path. When the Akharians drew near, I sensed them. Somehow.’

‘I didn’t think mages like you could do that,’ Cam said.

‘Mages like me? You don’t understand. Kell was a mage like me. Rasten, too.’

‘Bullshit. I know you, Issey. You’re no Blood-Mage, any more than Sirri is. I don’t pretend to understand all this, but you’re not a beast like them.’

Isidro pressed the cloth harder to his cheek, feeling the burn as the astringent seeped into the cuts. ‘You haven’t seen what I did last night.’

‘Is it any different to what Sirri does in the heat of battle? She can’t help what she is, and neither can you.’

‘Easy for you to say,’ Isidro snapped. ‘A sword stays in its sheath until you draw it. This is like a wild beast, always searching for something weaker to attack.’

‘I understand,’ Cam said. ‘I watched Sirri struggle to control hers, remember? I’m not making light of the challenge, Issey. I just have faith that you’ll master it. Alright, that should have soaked enough, let me see those cuts.’

Isidro gritted his teeth as Cam began to wipe away the blood and dirt. After a few moments he closed his eyes and let him work. It took him back to when they were just a pair of fugitives trying to survive. He’d lost count of the number of times they’d tended each other’s wounds like this.

‘By the Black Sun, Issey,’ Cam said, his voice soft. ‘I didn’t ride through the night to argue with you. It’s just … it’s so cursed good to have you back. I need you, Issey. I’m the cursed commander … I don’t even know how that happened, but they’re all looking to me, even Sirri … I know she went through a lot, and she still has healing to do, but sometimes I fear she’s half mad from all that Kell and Rasten did to her. And now as we head east — the Akharians will face famine if we take their stores, and we’ll all starve if we don’t … and we still have to find a way to take these souls home. Isidro, I feel like I’m running blind here … I need my right-hand man. I know you can do this.’

‘How?’ Isidro demanded. ‘How do you know? I don’t even know what I am anymore.’

Cam looked away, biting his lip. When he did speak, he didn’t return Isidro’s steady gaze. ‘You turned to Rasten. Faced with seeing our people slaughtered, you turned to the man you have the most reason to hate. I can’t imagine what it cost you, and I can only hope that in your shoes I’d have done the same. If you can do that, Issey, then you can master this cursed power.’ He looked back, then, but he still didn’t meet Isidro’s eyes. Instead, he rinsed and wrung out the cloth again before giving Isidro’s cheek and temple one final wipe down. ‘There. Better. It’s not that bad, no need for stitches.’ He tossed the rag back into the bowl and pulled a jar of ointment from his sash.