Not QUITE the Classics (3 page)

He immediately came up with a hundred reasons why he shouldn't return the hair. The main one was that he didn't want to. The hair was his.

Ishmael took the box into his bedroom, where the lighting was best. When he looked in the mirror with his new do, he wanted the full impact. He gently removed the hair from the box and turned it this way and that. Doesn't look as impressive out of the store, he thought. He placed it on his head. It fit like a glove, like a head glove. But Ishmael was disappointed when he looked in the mirror. The Ishmael reflected back at him was just the same old Ishmael with a toupee on. Was he insane to hope that it might actually have transformed him? He sighed.

I'll give it back to Rachel, he thought. Maybe I'll get a reward. But just as he was about to put the toupee back in the box, he noticed a piece of parchment at the bottom. Pulling it out, he saw it was an adoption paper for the hairpiece. Ishmael remembered what Rachel had said: “You do not buy my babies, you must adopt them. They give so much more when they know they are loved.”

Ishmael looked over the papers. Seemed like your normal adoption contract, as if he would know the difference. He took a pen from his nightstand and signed on the dotted line. Why not? Couldn't hurt.

Ishmael put the toupee back on his head and right away felt a difference. It seemed to hug his skull and it felt warm and soothing up there. Looking in the mirror, he almost burst into tears. He was a handsome man with a full head of hair. A new Ishmael. No matter how closely he scrutinized his head, from every angle, he could not see where his hair ended and the rug began. It looked like his hair! His body surged with energy and confidence that he had not felt in years, and his eyes sparkled.

“Looking good, baby,” he said aloud, snapping his fingers at his reflection. “Looking gooood.” He was immediately embarrassed by his cheesiness but couldn't resist one more admiring glance.

The next three weeks of Ishmael's life were golden. He booked two commercials, three major guest spots on popular TV shows, and the lead in a movie to be shot in France in the summer. His love life perked up too. Women noticed him and were charmed by his humor. He brought home one girl who remarked, after, “You make love like an ugly man. You know, you're
grateful
. It's so refreshing.”

Thank God everybody was so shallow, thought Ishmael delightedly. Yes, things were going beautifully. Well, mostly beautifully.

He had to admit that a few odd things had happened recently. A couple of nights after he started wearing the rug, while Ishmael was preparing himself for bed, he placed the toupee on the Styrofoam head that was on the nightstand, admired it for a few minutes, and climbed beneath the covers. In a few minutes he was fast asleep.

The next morning he awoke to the sun streaming though his curtains. He stretched and made his way into the bathroom. As Ishmael passed the mirror, he did a double take. The toupee was on his head. He stopped and thought back to the night before. He was sure he had taken it off; in fact he was positive. Was he sleepwalking? It's second nature putting it on, he thought. I probably went to pee in the middle of the night and put it on then. He didn't quite manage to convince himself. He also didn't have a plausible explanation why the following day he found the toupee on the couch in front of the TV with a half-drunk can of beer beside it.

Ishmael didn't dwell on it, mainly because he was enjoying his life too much. When his commercials hit the airwaves, his career exploded. Jeff was calling every day with auditions and, best of all, straight offers. Things were looking up.

He started wearing the toupee all the time, not only for auditions and forays outside the apartment but 24/7. He immediately got new headshots, accentuating his luscious locks. He found that with his hair on, little perks came his way. Extra cinnamon in his Cinnamon Dolce Latte with soy milk. Complimentary starch in his dry-cleaned shirts. Memories of what it had been like to be bald fell away like his treacherous former hair. He was a new man.

Ishmael had an audition for a new series. Jeff said it was just a formality and that the part was his, but the producers just wanted to be sure. As he entered the casting room, he saw his old nemesis, Fleming, reading over the script. One of the most satisfying by-products of having hair was beating Fleming out on every audition.

“Hey, Jackie! How's things?”

Fleming looked up with barely disguised hate. “Good.”

“That's great, really great. Auditioning for the series, are you? Good luck with that.”

“Hey, Ishmael, I've been wondering. Where'd you get the wig?”

Suddenly, as though someone whispered in his ear, Ishmael heard the words “Kill him!”

“Uh … what?”

“The toup. I have a friend who could use one, and I thought you could recommend the place you got yours. I thought maybe you got it at Rachel's, but then I remembered you showed up with it
after
it got robbed of all its merchandise. So it couldn't be from there…could it?”

“Kill him,” insisted the voice.

“No… No, not Rachel's. It was a place I found on the internet. I'll get you the link.”

“Yeah…weird, though, right? Place gets robbed and the next day, you have a head of hair.”

“KILL HIM!” yelled the voice.

Ishmael clenched his fists. It took every bit of effort he had not to put his hands around Fleming's throat and squeeze the life out of him. Just picturing it filled him with joy. Watching his eyes bulge out, Fleming's hands clutching at Ishmael's, trying to loosen his grip. Watching Fleming's fat life slip away. Ishmael shook off the fantasy, and then he realized he wasn't imagining it, he was doing it. He felt himself forcibly pulled off Fleming by a couple of actors. He watched helplessly as Fleming, red-faced, fell to the floor spluttering.

“What? What the fu…”

Ishmael stared in horror at his hands, and turned and ran out of the room.

What was that?

What
the hell
was that?

When he got home, he pulled the toupee off his head. It was a struggle, as though the rug didn't want to go. Ishmael was scared, more terrified than he had ever been in his life. He was hearing voices—correction—
one voice
, telling him to kill Fleming, and he was almost certain that the voice belonged to the rug. It's evil, he realized, and thought of Rachel's flickering eyes. He almost giggled at the absurdity of it. He put the toupee back in the box and shoved it in his closet. He locked the door.

He went to his liquor cabinet and poured a glass of bourbon, downed it in one gulp. The phone rang and he jumped. He picked it up and in the steadiest voice he could muster he said, “Hello?”

“How's my lovely baby treating you?” Ishmael could almost hear her eyes darting. “Rachel?” he whispered.

“I've found all the others. Yours is the last.”

“Mine? I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're talking about. Surely you're not accusing me of stealing a wig!”

“You
are
a good actor, aren't you? A nice mixture of indignation, hurt, and anger. Yes. I knew you were a good actor when I saw your commercial. You've changed a bit since I saw you last.”

Ishmael winced. He hadn't even thought that Rachel might see his work.

“I don't have your hair. The one I have is …” He trailed off. “So what did you see me in? The Robitussin bit? Or—”

“You can't fool a mother. Never fool a mother. See you soon.”

Ishmael hung up and ran to the closet. He had to get rid of that rug before that crazy woman showed up. As he bent down to open the box, he faltered. What if I keep it? he thought. So what if it fills me with homicidal thoughts now and again? I mean, the work I've been getting! Ishmael caught himself and took a deep breath. No, I can't start killing people just so I can look good on camera. He opened the box.

It was empty. Ishmael's bowels clenched. Immediately he was covered in sweat. Not light perspiration. Heavy, heavy sweat.

From the top shelf of the closet, the toupee jumped onto Ishmael's head like a flying squirrel. Ishmael could feel the rug tighten its unholy grip on his scalp when he tried to rip it off. The harder he pulled, the harder it clung to his skull. With a strength born from desperation, Ishmael managed to tear it off his head and throw it to the floor. He screamed in horror when he saw little pieces of his scalp attached to it. He ran to the mirror and examined his head. Blood ran down his face from the small divots in his scalp.

“Son of a bitch! I have an on-camera audition tomorrow!”

He ran back to the bloody toupee and stomped on it as though it were a bug.

“Wear me! Wear me!” The words rang through his head in time with the stomping.

“Shut up! Shut up!” Ishmael stomped until the toupee was in tatters. Clumps of hair lay lifeless on the broadloom. Looking at it, Ishmael was overcome with remorse. It still looks good, he sobbed to himself. Maybe it can be trained to be non-homicidal. Maybe… Ishmael shook himself from his crazed reverie. “Get out of my head!” he screamed. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the stove, and a half-remembered made-for-TV horror movie came to mind. Something with Karen Black and a murderous doll. He ran to the stove and turned the oven on to broil. He ran back to the spot where he had unleashed his rage. The toupee was gone.

A little trail of loose hairs led under the sofa. Ishmael went to the couch and knelt down.

“Come on, baby. Come to Daddy.”

He started feeling around underneath the couch. He patted the carpet, grasping for strands of Manila Ice Chocolate brown. Then he felt a sharp pain in his hand and he cried out. He yanked his hand back and gasped at a deep bite mark on his index finger.

It bit him! The little bastard bit him!

Ishmael ran to the kitchen and got his biggest carving knife. Kneeling carefully in front of the couch, he wildly stabbed the dark underneath. He waited. Nothing. Slowly, slowly he looked under the couch, but could see nothing. Then, Ishmael raised his head to the height of the sofa cushion and out of the corner of his eye, saw the toupee sitting, hairs crossed, in the armchair. Before he could react, the rug pounced.

“Not the face! Not the face!”

The toupee clung like a starfish, suffocating him. Struggling to breathe, Ishmael got out a muffled, “I'm your father!” but to no avail. He gulped for air that never came. He heard the door of his apartment opening, softly. His last thought was: I hope they don't give my part to Fleming.

Then he was still.

The person who had entered Ishmael's apartment walked over to his body, gently removed the toupee from his face, and put it in a fur-lined pouch. Her eyes flickered as she gazed about the room.

It was the devious-cruising Rachel, that in her retracing search after her missing children, only found another orphan.

INSPIRED BY ERNEST THAYER'S

“CASEY AT THE BAT”

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Mudville nine that day:

The score stood four to two, with but one inning more to play…

The side struck out, all hopes were dashed—so close and yet so far…

Then someone turned the TV off at Sam McCluskey's bar.

With Happy Hour just starting and the room devoid of cheer,

Disappointed patrons drowned their sorrows in their beer.

Mudville is a baseball town, through their team they live and die.

It doesn't matter much to me, for I'm a hockey guy.

Been a fan since '64, when there only were six teams.

Drank champagne from the Stanley Cup (though only in my dreams).

The league now numbers thirty, and not that I'm berating—

But two are now in Florida, a state not known for skating.

Having seen so many games in the fifty years that passed,

And versed in hockey trivia—can't be stumped by what I'm asked.

I know the players' faces, from Dick Duff to Bobby Orr.

So imagine my surprise, seeing Casey at the door.

He strode into McCluskey's, as the jukebox played Adele.

He hadn't really changed much, since he left the NHL.

The greatest goalie of his time—he could have been, hands down…

Instead all went astray, and they ran Casey out of town.

He was a goalie phenom rated highly by the scouts;

He was superstar material, of that there were no doubts.

Toronto celebrated. He was drafted by the Leafs!

“We'll win the Stanley Cup now!” was the popular belief.

Fans all hoped that this was true: it was time to dry their tears;

They hadn't tasted victory in over forty years.

Could this Casey spur the team? At that thought, the fans did foam…

Could this finally be the year that the Stanley Cup came home?

The promise started early with a ten-game winning streak.

The way the team was playing, not one person could critique.

The forwards, they were scoring. All believed the hype:

This team could not be beaten, not with Casey 'tween the pipes.

Nailed the Eastern Conference, due to Casey's acrobatics.

Playoff fever swept through town; it really was dramatic.

Casey took the league by storm; he was the King of Hockey.

And then, oh-oh, it all went south, for Casey became cocky.

He was growing quite conceited, which much concerned the Leafs.

Case in point: website photos of Casey in his briefs.

Without expressing sorrow as other people would;

He arrogantly smiled and said, “Man, I'm looking good.”

The team got through the first round, then the second and the third.

It almost felt too easy, these playoffs were absurd.

They made it to the finals, every hockey team's one wish.

Casey said, “We'll win in four! All comers we will squish.”

This spurred the opposition, as the Leafs fans feared it would—

The Penguins won the first game. (Casey wasn't very good.)

The Leafs bounced back the next match, they won the third one too,

The Penguins ruled the next one, scoring five on you know who.

The fifth went to the Penguins, but the next was theirs to lose.

A seventh game was needed. Who would win? Too hard to choose.

Leafs fans, ever hopeful that the Cup would come their way,

Longed with such intensity that even atheists prayed.

The hockey game was started, back and forth the teams did skate.

Both played their very best, every player pulled his weight.

It came to pass the score was tied, one minute left to play.

Surely there'd be overtime. Oh no!—a breakaway!

An errant pass was picked up by a player from Pittsburgh,

He headed for the net, but Casey didn't seem perturbed.

He calmly touched the goalposts with his custom-made Sher-Wood,

Then gliding to his crease's edge, there mighty Casey stood.

The Penguins lad raced closer—the fans were on their feet.

Thousands screamed their lungs out, “Casey, don't get beat!”

Casey spun upon his skates, then bowing to the crowd,

Slipped and lost his balance, falling hard and big and loud.

The Penguin shot, he scored the goal, then jumped in celebration.

Boos rang out, they said it all: crushed hopes of a Leafs Nation.

“Casey, Casey, what a bum!” The crowd was all agreeing.

Don Cherry ranted from the booth: “He must be European!”

The newspapers were vicious; the fans called for his blood.

From hero down to scapegoat, Casey's name had become mud.

He was run right out of town, speeding in his fancy car.

That was the last I saw him till he walked into this bar.

Turning to the barkeep: “What's the story with that guy?”

I gestured then to Casey, who was giving girls the eye.

The barkeep looked and smiled, “Mr. Casey is his name.

He comes here every night, leaving with a different dame.

“The women they all love him, and the men, they all turn green.

For Casey, mighty Casey, is the best they've ever seen.

He might not be most handsome, and not the very smartest,

But that there Mr. Casey is a mighty pickup artist.”

I watched as Casey sauntered by the tables where girls sat,

His eyes searched out the talent, like a horny alley cat.

He circled very slowly round the barroom, no mistake.

His movements showed to everyone: Casey's on the make.

So easy was his manner as he walked around the place,

He took his time just looking, knowing love was not a race.

And from his average visage, confidence did ooze

From the curls upon his head to his fake Italian shoes.

Two hundred eyes were on him as he walked up to a blonde,

Two hundred ears were straining to hear how she'd respond.

He wavered for a moment as he saw her in the light.

“She's way too drunk,” he muttered. “Wouldn't be too fair a fight.”

He quickly passed her table; his eyes flicked round the room.

He paused for just a second, then his hunt he did resume,

A brunette in the corner looked like she might be the one

That Casey, mighty Casey, would pick up to have some fun.

She sat there in the shadows, then lit up a cigarette.

The flame was like a spotlight; Casey broke into a sweat.

He quickly changed direction, as though it was meant to be.

What in the dark seemed thirty, in the light looked sixty-three.

I thought he'd call it quits, but no, Casey was determined—

His eyes blazed like a zealot's in the middle of a sermon.

And then he saw her standing there—the Beatles song come true.

Casey now had found his prey—I had the perfect view.

Her eyes shone like two diamonds, and her cheeks were rosy fair,

Her lips were quite inviting; blonde and curly was her hair.

With more curves than mountain roads, her lush body was divine.

Though I couldn't read his mind, I'm sure Casey thought, “She's mine!”

He smoothed his hair and gave a nod, then checked out his reflection.

Satisfied with how he looked, he moved in her direction.

Uncoiling like a cobra, he appeared right at her side.

Oh, he was in his element, and wouldn't be denied.

He started off by asking, “Tell me, is this seat here free?”

Before there was an answer, he plunked down rapidly.

He sat there for a moment, then he ordered up a drink,

Then Casey, mighty Casey, glanced at me and gave a wink.

He leaned upon his elbow, not quite looking at his prey,

Joking with the barkeep, overtipping all the way.

His eyes then locked upon her, and he gave a little start

As though he had just noticed her, whose beauty stole his heart.

He started with some small talk, in his soothing sexy voice.

She looked like she might weaken. Did she really have a choice?

Then slowly she leaned forward, whispered to this ladies' man:

“Ain't never gonna happen, guy, 'cause I'm a huge Leafs fan.”

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the bars now have last call;

Guys and girls have hooked up, with each other are enthralled,

And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;

But there is no joy in Mudville—mighty Casey has struck out.