Not the Placeholder: A BBW New Adult Serial Romance (Not the Hot Chick series Book 4) (4 page)

Her heart constricted with jealousy, which was stupid. She didn't begrudge him his friendship with Paige.

But something else was going on. Something he was holding back.

"What aren't you telling me?" she asked, tired of the secrecy. "What's this hold she has on you?"

He flashed her a glare. "There's no hold. I told you, it's my fault she—"

"It's
not
your fault. You did everything you could to help her. But maybe there was more to it on your part." As she spoke the words, Layla knew why she'd been afraid. She just hadn't wanted to face it. "Maybe your feelings went deeper than just those of a big brother or a friend." When he didn't answer, Layla felt sick.

His silence confirmed her worst fear, one she hadn't even acknowledged to herself until this moment. That Cam was only hers on loan. That no matter how much fun they had together, in or out of bed, they couldn't last. That no matter what she did or how hard she tried, no matter how much she cared, she'd never be able to keep him. Because he was in love with someone else.

She was just a placeholder until that someone came back.

There was no more conversation. When Cam pulled the Suburban into the apartment lot and cut the ignition, he and Layla sat unmoving.

She broke the silence first. "How long have you been in love with Paige?"

"Years, I guess," he said at last, speaking to the windshield. "It was a gradual thing. Kind of snuck up on me." He let go a long breath and turned toward her. "When she found out she was pregnant from that douche, I asked her to marry me. And it wasn't because I felt guilty or like I owed her. I wanted to be her husband. Be her baby's father. And when she said okay, I was happy. Out of my mind happy."

His confession only twisted the knife in Layla's chest, and she could hardly breathe through the pain. He'd loved Paige that deeply, to want to marry her and raise another man's baby as his own.

"Did she know how you really felt?"

He shook his head. "She wasn't ready to hear it. She was still worried about her ex tracking her down, worried about the baby. I didn't want to put another burden on her."

She couldn't understand how Paige could feel that way about something for which Layla would give her soul. "Why would you loving her be a burden?"

"Because I knew she didn't feel the same way about me."

The humility and honesty in his answer broke her heart. "She really didn't know?"

"I guess she thought I felt sorry for her, 'cause after she lost the baby, she just took off. Left a note and that was it."

God, he must have been shattered. Paige must have been heartbroken over losing the pregnancy, but how could the girl have acted so callously toward Cam after all he'd done for her?

But maybe that was Paige's MO. She wasn't malicious. She hadn't mean to hurt Cam, probably didn't realize even now that she had. She was wrapped up in herself, clueless how her actions had impacted her best friend, the man who loved her. "You're not really going to stand up for her at the wedding, are you?"

"I don't know," he answered.

Layla felt like screaming in frustration. She wanted to smack Paige, and Cam too. Why wasn't he angry? "After the way she hurt you, how can you even consider it?"

"She's always needed me. I've never told her no."

In spite of the anger boiling inside her—at Paige, at Cam, at the whole sucky situation—she couldn't let go of her love for Cam. She must love him, otherwise she wouldn't hurt so much. But he was hurting, too.

"It must be exhausting," she murmured, "to always have to be the hero."

Then she made up her mind. "Give me your phone."

"What for?"

She made a
gimme
gesture. "Just, come on. Hand it over."

When he did, she scrolled through his contacts and deleted her number, just as she'd once entered it.

He frowned. "What are you—"

"Helping you get your shit together." She gave him back the phone. "You need to figure out what you want. In the meantime, don't call me." She opened the SUV's door and stepped down.

Cam tried to stop her. "Wait a minute, Layla—"

She turned to him. "It's okay. You never made me any promises." Her smile felt wobbly. "And I never asked. Guess I was scared what you might say." She sucked in a deep breath. "If you love Paige, tell her. Go after her. It's not too late, if she's who you really want. But I'm not hanging around while you make up your mind. Bye, Cam." Before she closed the door, she hesitated. "Be happy."

She quickly shut the door and hurried away so he wouldn't see her cry.

****

Kelsey barreled through the door not long after Layla arrived home. "What happened?" She groaned when she spotted Layla's reddened eyes and blotchy face. "Oh, sweetie…" She rushed over and gave Layla a hug.

Layla accepted it gratefully, then hiccupped and wiped her nose with a tissue. "What did you do with Paige?"

Kelsey waved away the question as though Paige weren't even worth discussing. "Ugh, who cares? She had her own ride. What happened with Cam?"

"He loves her. I told him to go for it."

"What?" Her roommate's arms fell to her sides. She sank onto the sofa, her mouth agape. "You just handed him over? Didn't even put up a fight?"

"I don't want to fight for him. If Paige is who he wants, then he should be with her."

Kelsey shook her head. "You're too good, Layl. Doing that for him. I'd want to kick him in the balls."

"I didn't do it for him. I did it for me. I'm not going to be a placeholder for him. For anyone. I want to be first or nothing." Brave words, but they didn't make it any easier to lose Cam.

She was kidding herself. He was never hers in the first place.

Funny thing was, she'd have never had the guts to stand up for herself if it hadn't been for him. His regard, in and out of bed, had boosted her confidence, helped her see herself in a different light. Before him, she'd seen herself the way she might be depicted in popular film: the chubby chick, funny and smart, the heroine's BFF and hanger-on. The sidekick, never the star.

He'd helped her realize her sexual potential. More than that, he'd helped give her the courage to cast herself in the starring role of her own life. The woman deserving of all the romance and hot sex one man could give.

And she'd find that man. She wouldn't waste everything she'd learned.

She blew her nose one last time into her crumpled tissue, a good hard blow that trumpeted rudely. She and Kelsey eyed each other and snickered.

"It's your day," Kelsey told her. "We can hunker down with a bunch of movies and stuff ourselves with ice cream or go out and get ourselves some mani-pedis. My treat. Whatever you want."

"Don't you have a date you have to get ready for?" Kelsey's nights were nearly always booked up, especially on the weekend.

"Nothing I can't cancel. I told you, I've got your back. So what are you up for?"

A good friend would have insisted Kelsey not change her plans, but Layla felt like being selfish. She really didn't want to be alone. "Ben & Jerry's sounds tempting, but we'll only hate ourselves in the morning."

"Too true."

"Let's do the mani-pedi." It would be good to get out, distract herself from thoughts of Cam.

"Awesome. But you're a mess." Kelsey's lips pursed in disapproval. "Go wash your face, do something with your hair, and put on some makeup. Then change into something cute. After we get our nails done, we're going for a little retail therapy, baby."

****

"Please?" Kelsey grimaced and hopped on the sidewalk. "Just for a minute, I promise."

"No," Layla said. "I'm not going in."

They stood outside the Shamrock's front door. Kelsey did another little jig. "But I gotta pee.
Bad
."

"Let's find someplace else. Every place on the street has a bathroom."

This little jaunt down Elmwood Ave. had been Kelsey's idea. She'd insisted that Layla had been working too hard these past few weeks and needed a girls' night out. They'd already stepped into a few bars, had a couple of drinks, and danced. Layla, used to being the designated whatever, had limited herself to ginger ale. Kelsey had also been remarkably disciplined, indulging in only a couple of beers.

"I can't
wait
, though." Kelsey whimpered like a puppy that had to piddle.

"Why didn't you go before?" Layla felt as though she were talking to a first grader, because Kelsey was doing a great impression of one. The whining, the dancing, the big, sad eyes—she had the act down pat.

"I didn't have to then. Come on."

Layla sighed. "All right, go ahead. I'll wait here."

"No." Suddenly Kelsey was no longer hopping around. "Come with me."

Layla raised her eyebrows. "You can't go tinkle without Mommy trailing along?"

Kels flipped her off. "Bite me. You're just afraid you'll run into Cam."

Why even try to deny it? "So?"

She hadn't heard from him in almost three weeks. In that time, she'd submerged herself in work, trying not to think about him.

You told him not to call, remember?
That's what you wanted.

True. Still, it hurt, knowing she'd been deleted from his life as easily as her number had been deleted from his phone.

It wasn't as easy for her to forget him. She couldn't stop wondering how he was. Had he told Paige how he really felt? Were they together now?

If she knew the answer, it might help her put Cam, and the past, behind her. But she was a coward. She was afraid to know. And she didn't want to risk running into him tonight or any night.

"So you're going to avoid the Shamrock for the rest of your life, huh?" Kelsey curled her mouth into a smirk. "Why stop there? Maybe all of Elmwood should be off limits. Who knows when you might run into Cam or one of his bros?"

"Who knows?" Layla fought to keep her cool. Kelsey was purposely trying to get her goat and doing a damn good job of it.

"And no more skating at the Water's Edge, either. Don't want to chance seeing him there." Kelsey tapped her chin, pretending to ponder. "I know. Why don't you just hole up in the apartment for the rest of your life? That way, you're sure to never see him again."

"Ha-ha," Layla deadpanned.

Kelsey dropped the act. "Come on in with me. Just for a minute. If he's there, you can sail on by like you don't even see him. If you feel generous, you can give him a smile and a wave. That's the best revenge, never letting them see how much they've hurt you."

Kels was right. Layla kept telling herself how much she'd grown and changed over the past few months, but here she was, like a turtle wanting to hide inside its shell.

She let go a long breath, then straightened her spine. "Okay. Let's go."

Kelsey led the way and Layla followed. They wove their way through the clustered tables and the partyers drinking and laughing. As they passed the bar, she quickly glanced over to see who was serving. Her shoulders sagged in relief. Cam wasn't there.

They reached the hall leading to the bathrooms. Halfway down, Kelsey stopped and gave her a grin. "You still with me?"

"Right behind you. I didn't see Cam out there."

"No. You wouldn't have."

Before Layla could ask what she meant, Kelsey had thrust her through an open door into a small room. "Don't be mad," were the last words she heard before the door closed and she was submerged in darkness.

What the hell? Layla grabbed the knob to yank it open. Was this some kind of crazy practical joke?

Someone spoke behind her. "You're not a prisoner."

Chills ran through her as she recognized Cam's voice. Her hand flexed on the doorknob.

"It's not locked," he said. "You can leave anytime you want. But I hope you'll stay long enough to hear me out."

She turned. "What's going on?"

They were in the storage room where she'd once dragged Cam, intent on seducing him. It looked different now. The boxes had all been moved along the walls, and a little table and two chairs sat in the center of the cleared space. On the tablecloth sat a long-necked bottle and two glasses. Several votive candles flickered in their holders, casting a soft glow.

She felt dizzy with confusion and apprehension. "What's happening? Was Kelsey in on this?"

"Don't blame her. I had to do a lot of serious crawling to get her to help me—believe me, all she wanted to do was kick my ass." He took her hand in his. It felt so warm and strong. "Will you come sit?"

Her heart hammering, she allowed him to lead her to a chair. She was afraid to hope.

He picked up the bottle of wine. "Something to drink?"

She nodded, though she wasn't sure she'd be able to swallow a drop.

He poured a glass for her and one for himself, then removed a cloth from a plate, revealing a selection of cheese and grapes. "I thought of ordering a blooming onion or stuffed potato skins, but that didn't seem too romantic."

Romantic?
A pulse throbbed in the base of her throat. "No. This is nice. Really nice." Her hand trembled as she lifted the glass, and she took a sip, moistening her dry lips. Glancing down at the table, she noticed the flickering "candles" were actually LED tea lights. "Cute touch."

He hitched his mouth into a half smile. "Real ones would be a fire hazard. I'm trying to romance you, not burn the place down." The tense muscles of his face and his tight hold on the bottle told her that he was just as nervous as she.

She questioned him for the third time. "What does this mean?"

He set the bottle down and took the seat across from her. "Paige got married tonight. Right about now they're having the reception."

Layla stiffened when he mentioned Paige, then relaxed when she understood his meaning. "And you're not there."

"No. I'm not making a toast or watching her dance with her new husband or faking a smile, pretending I'm glad to be there."

They weren't out of the woods yet. "Because it would hurt too much?"

"No. Because I'd rather be here with you."

She let go a breath, releasing all the tension bottled in her chest.

"You said something to me last time." His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed hard. "About how exhausting it was to always play the hero. I'd never thought of it like that before, but you're right. That's why I wasn't happy to see her again. It wasn't because I was jealous or wanted her back. It was because I knew she'd want something from me. And I was tired."