Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (13 page)

Don’t tell him anything unflattering in any area of your life, like that you flunked physics or that your parents pulled strings to get you your job. Do not tell him you had a fight with your roommate and had to sleep somewhere else. We are not telling you to lie and say you went to Harvard if you didn’t, but you don’t have to volunteer bad stuff. It’s none of his business.

Do not share any childhood traumas or tell him that you are in therapy or that you see a life coach. In other words, do not get too deep too soon. Intensity will scare a guy away in the early months of dating.

Do not tell him all about your past relationships and what went wrong and what you are looking for now. Do not tell him when or how you lost your virginity or that your ex cheated on you or anything negative about your dating life. Some women think that dating is truth serum and text or message a guy on Facebook that they haven’t had a boyfriend or sex in three years. TMI! We said not to talk too much on dates—we didn’t say not to think! Once your personal life is out there, especially in writing, it can’t be taken back.

Also, don’t fill in lulls in the conversation. Trying to fill in the silences reeks of desperation and shows that you are trying too hard. Making jokes or trying to entertain him with funny stories and anecdotes shows too much interest. You
don’t want him to know how much you care about him or think that you are the funny girl instead of the intriguing girl. Remember, sometimes when there is silence, it’s because he’s thinking how pretty you are when your bangs fall into your eyes or even imagining what you look like naked.

In the beginning, a guy might give you the impression that he loves to talk and e-mail and text a lot, too. He might go along with three-hour Skype chats and marathon textfests and Facebook chats that go into the middle of the night, and you will convince yourself that this guy is different from other guys and actually likes to talk. But you will be wrong. One day he will dump you and block you on Facebook and you will have no idea why—but we do. You interacted or talked too much in the first few weeks!

Allie, a twenty-three-year-old graduate student in Middle Eastern studies, met Ori, a cute Israeli resident, on a work-study program. He spoke to her first, and in just a matter of weeks, their relationship became fast and furious. Many nights they talked until 2 a.m. about politics and science. They hung out in coffee shops for hours and had amazing sex. After two months of dating, he said, “Let’s keep in touch” and even suggested she visit him again during her winter break. Allie interpreted this sudden togetherness as true love. So when she flew back to Boston, she didn’t think twice about texting him and e-mailing him and chatting with him on Facebook.

Allie confidently thought, “This is great. I can talk to him whenever I want about whatever I want. Maybe I will move to Israel one day.” They Skyped for hours and exchanged long, loving e-mails. He asked her what her favorite flower was, they wrote each other poems, and she e-mailed him articles and endearing texts that started with “Happy Monday!” She
even Evited him to her birthday party and when he couldn’t make it, she said, “No worries, I will FaceTime you in.” She wrote on his wall, “You make me happy!”

Two weeks after Allie returned, Ori began answering fewer and fewer texts. Then one day Allie stopped hearing from him altogether. She got his voice mail every time she called. He wasn’t returning her e-mails. She couldn’t find him on Facebook and got worried. She thought maybe he had taken his account down, but then she called her BFF to check and found out his profile was still up—he had blocked her! Allie was in shock when she called us. She couldn’t believe that what was a soul connection for her was just a fling for him. We told her that had she not talked to him so much through so many different technologies, she would have found out sooner that he was not that interested. Or, had she followed
The Rules
and disappeared, he would have been more into her. When you act aloof in the beginning about a guy who initially likes you, he starts to pick up the pace: “Hey, are you okay? Are we okay? What are you up to? What are you doing for winter break? I have two weeks off and frequent flier miles.”

The lesson here? Whirlwind courtships almost never work out. We told Allie what we tell all our clients: when you meet your soul mate, get really busy in between dates and keep the conversation light and breezy. If a guy says, “What’s your favorite food?” you can say, “Sushi, what about you?” to be polite and find out more about him. But don’t ask anything serious, like “Why did you and your last girlfriend break up?” or “Where do you see yourself after grad school?” It is too clear that you like him and want to know about his past and future and where you might fit into it.

Less is always more with men! You can talk and text your
guts out to your girlfriends, your therapist, your life coach, even a coworker or stranger at the gym, but you can’t talk, text, tweet, e-mail, or otherwise interact with a guy too much without overwhelming him and possibly driving him away. If you want a guy to miss and pursue you, disappear in between dates!

T
HE SIMPLE ACT
of hanging out has become more popular in recent years, as it, too, is part of our increasingly casual culture. Perhaps a guy and girl will text back and forth for a while and then agree to meet at the same bar or party an hour or so later just to hang out. The next time they will hang out again or hang out and hook up. This may go on for weeks or months or years. They may never go out on a dinner date or become boyfriend and girlfriend. This kind of casual non-dating is especially common in college.

Just hanging out might be okay for girls who don’t really care about dates or serious relationships, but it is not okay for
Rules
Girls.
Rules
Girls get asked out several days in advance. Hanging out requires little or no effort on the guy’s part and is therefore a big nothing—so don’t be flattered by it. If he always texts you at 6 p.m., “Do you want to hang out later?” you need to start responding, “Sorry, but I already have plans,” even if you don’t have plans and even if you really like him—especially if you really like him! You must hold out for a real date, or at least
some
advanced plan!

You might be thinking that this
Rule
is disingenuous and game-playing, but it is really about having a life, being busy,
and setting the bar high so a guy respects you. If you agree to hang out on just a few hours’ notice, then you will become the last-minute girl—not the girl he makes restaurant reservations for. Remember, a guy will try to get away with the least possible effort whenever he can. He may try to see you only when he is bored or his original plans fell through. Don’t be his plan B. You must silently show a guy that he has to work to get you by saying no to spur-of-the-moment hanging out.

Jackie, a college freshman, told us that amid everyone hanging out and hooking up around Frat Row, there was one sophomore girl in her dorm who always turned down last-minute or casual offers. Now she is the only girl in her pledge class with a boyfriend! “There was just something about her that made him want to take her out on dates,” Jackie wrote to us. Exactly.
The Rules!

Another way to give a guy the wrong idea is to see him too much, especially in the first few crucial months. Most guys come on strong in the beginning. If they like you, they want to see you every day if you let them, because the more they see you, the faster they get to know you—and the faster you’ll have sex perhaps. But if you agree to see them every day, they
will
eventually get bored and start asking for space. They will say things like “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” or “Work is really busy” and cancel on you, even though it was
their
idea to see you all the time! They may start asking other women out because you have ceased being a challenge. We have seen this scenario many times. Familiarity breeds contempt, while absence makes the heart grow fonder. Don’t be seduced by guys who try to see you all the time or who get angry if you say no. If a guy really wants to see you seven days a week, he’ll have to propose to you!

Here’s the tricky thing, though. Even though he’s the one asking you out, you can’t expect a guy to pace the relationship—you have to be the one to do it. This means saying no to whirlwind courtships. These relationships start out fast and furious and ultimately end the same way, like a train wreck. Just look at Hollywood: how many couples have we seen “connect” on a movie set or at a party and become inseparable, only to break up a few months later? Seeing a guy every day in the first three months is sheer lunacy, whether you are a movie star or a waitress. A
Rules
-y star would be too busy with other auditions and starlet friends to accept dates 24/7, so the guy experiences longing, as opposed to familiarity followed by boredom. Remember, less is more with men! Besides, there is no way to know what a guy is
really
like in so short a time.

Pacing a relationship means seeing him once or twice a week for the first month and no more than three or four times a week when you are in a committed, exclusive relationship, which he will hopefully take to the next level with a ring! We realize such self-restraint can be difficult, because when you are dating a guy you really like you want to see him as much as possible. You want to know everything about him and get close physically and emotionally. You may want to cancel plans with friends, stop going to the gym, skip studying, or take a mental health day from work just to be with him. The last thing you want to do is to tell him you can’t go out with him, especially if you haven’t met anyone you really like in a while.
But you must!
Give him the impression that your life is full, that it existed before him and still exists now. You should never make a guy that important; he is a part of your life, not your whole life. You should continue to be
a friend, a student, a worker, a daughter, a sister, or whatever you were before you met him. Besides, you’re not just hanging out anyway! How many dates can you really plan in a week? Limiting how much you see him, even if you have nothing else going on, is not only good for the relationship, but for you, too. It will force you to find things to do, like join a book club or take up bowling, golf, or tennis.

Rachel, twenty-six, was getting her MBA when she met her future boyfriend at a party. She thought he was really cute and almost fainted when he asked her out. But she was in a two-week training program and couldn’t see him right away. In the past, Rachel had made guys more important than her school work and regretted it. Although she was afraid it might make him move on to another girl, she told him she was busy for the next two weeks. He said, “You must have a lot of dates. Don’t forget me!” She just laughed, neither confirming nor denying. He called her two weeks later to the day—and he still teases Rachel now about how she made him wait so long!

Rachel’s story proves that when you turn guys down, they don’t think that you are rude or lying or playing a game—they think you are popular and busy with other guys! Volunteering information (“I’m working on my MBA and can’t see you right now”) too soon is neither necessary nor flattering. When a guy likes you and you are a challenge, his imagination is always more interesting than whatever you may really be doing!

Now, let’s say you and the guy you are dating go to the same college or live in the same apartment building or work at the same company. How do you maintain mystery and separate yourself when you can conceivably run into each other
all
the time? We suggest trying to avoid him occasionally! Take a different route to class or go to another coffee shop.
If you always run into each other in the pantry at 11:30, start going at 10:45 instead. Have a girls’ night out or stay in to study. Create as much courtship and structure for the relationship as possible. College is an intrinsically casual environment, so you might even pretend you go to different schools so you have your own life.