Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (17 page)

Sometimes clients will say that their
Rules
-y self-description is too short or too shallow, preferring to tell guys more about their passions and inner selves. They want their unique personalities to shine through many paragraphs about their thoughts, feelings, and opinions, their past and future; they want to share their experience, strength, and hope about life, love, and relationships. For example, some women write, “I don’t play games and I’m looking for someone to bond with—someone who completes me, but is not codependent.” Others will write that they are looking for someone “who is not threatened by a strong, financially independent woman,” or be up front that they are “not
bitter
for having gone through a bad divorce, but
better
!” They want to write a résumé or
spill all their thoughts as if their profile were an autobiography, fearing that five sentences about their favorite things will not do them justice. But as usual, less is more! Even if you’re filling in separate fields in your profile, guys basically look at photos and only skim the rest. We have found that women who write dissertations attract pen pals who want to delve even deeper online, but don’t ask them out.

Women who share less, especially those with good screen names and photos, attract guys who are intrigued and ask them out. The trick is just to pique their interest. So if you have done online dating before and had no luck, we suggest you try it again with pretty photos and just a few facts—see if you get better results!

The second mistake we referred to at the beginning of this chapter is initiating contact with a guy through the site. The cardinal
Rule
for online dating is that he writes to you first. You never message or send him a wink or chat him first, no matter how perfect or your type he is. To do so is just like talking to him first in person. It is pursuing his look/type, personality, photos, and interests, which makes you the aggressor—it’s against the entire concept of
The Rules
. We have found that most of the time online relationships in which the woman wrote first did not work out. The only time it has worked is when a guy was actually about to contact her but she beat him to the punch—she was very lucky. As with everything else, it’s best to wait for the guy to make the first move so you don’t have any doubts about how interested he really is.

You should also ignore winks, flirts, and other similar actions on dating websites. These are when a guy clicks on your profile but doesn’t write to you. It’s the equivalent of looking at you at a party but not approaching you or speaking to you—in other
words, a big nothing. We tell women to ignore winks because there’s no effort involved. It’s like poking you on Facebook instead of writing a message. If a man can’t even send an e-mail to introduce himself, then he will probably won’t ask you out either.

How to answer a guy’s message to your online profile is an art form for a
Rules
Girl. We keep it brief because we are not looking for a pen-pal relationship, but rather for dates. We want to go from online to offline as quickly as possible—within four exchanges, to be exact. If a guy does not ask you out within four messages he is either a time waster, not that interested in you, or in a relationship. Next! As with every medium of communication, you should wait at least four hours to write back to a new guy who answered your online profile, but if you are thirty and older, you can wait a whole day to write back. (You can refer to our Text-Back Times Chart on page 000.)

If a guy writes, “You are very pretty. We have a lot in common. Have you been on this site long? How do you like it? Look at my profile and let me know what you think,” do not discuss his profile with him and bond over all your common interests. Of course you can read it, but do not tell him you did—that shows too much interest. Instead, write a generic “Thanks. You seem interesting!” That will force him to say something like “I noticed you like Italian food. Any favorite places?” Then you can write back, “I like such-and-such place.” Then he can cut to the chase and write back, “Would you like to meet there one night this week?” If you go on and on about your interests and his interests and how long you have been online and what your experiences have been, you will be chatting online forever. If he has so many questions, he can take you out for drinks!

Remember, you never want to seem like you live for online dating! You are busy and have other things going on in your life. Hence, in addition to a response wait time, the weekend is a dead zone here, too. If a guy reaches out to you on Friday at 7 p.m., don’t answer four hours later; wait until Sunday night.

Here are some other important
Rules
:

• Safety comes first.
  Online guys are strangers, so never use your full name or the name of your company in your screen name. You are BlondeBanker, not [email protected] or [email protected]. Do not specify where you live or work. You can say you’re a realtor, but avoid saying you work at MiamiRiches Realtors in Florida. On the first date, meet somewhere public, like at a Starbucks or for drinks at a restaurant near you. Tell a friend where you are and to call or text you after an hour, just in case. Do not get into his car or let him get into yours, no matter how insane the chemistry is—and do not sleep with the guy right away. If you didn’t meet at work or through friends, then you don’t really know him, so be careful!
  
• Turn off the instant-messaging feature
  on the online dating website, if it has one, so you are not so accessible and he cannot see when you are using the site. Stay mysterious!
  
• If a guy you met online continues to contact you and ask you out via e-mail, even after the first date, do not suggest “bringing it to the phone.”
  A date is a date. If he’s not into the phone, you have to live with it or stop seeing
  him. Besides, you knew from the beginning that he was into the latest technology.
  
• If a guy sends you his number, but doesn’t ask for yours, you can reciprocate by responding, “OK, great, and my number is ___________.”
  The only way to know if a guy is in the mood to talk to you is when
  he
  calls you.
  
• Screen out buyer-beware guys.
  If he doesn’t post a photo, ask to see one when you respond to his message. Do not agree to meet a guy who hasn’t sent you a photo. You’re not being superficial—he’s just being suspicious. Also skip guys who talk about sex in their profiles or messages. Be wary of guys who send vague or form letters that make no mention of anything specific in your profile.
  
• Don’t have a “Romeo and Juliet” relationship with online guys you have never met.
  If a guy has not asked you out within four e-mails, it’s a fantasy cyberspace relationship, so move on. How can a woman fall in love and even break up with a guy without ever meeting him? Some women talk to bored or lonely men whom they never meet, but whom they swear they have a soul connection with. To have a connection, you have to meet. Dating is rarely like
  Sleepless in Seattle
  !
  
• Don’t take your profile down until you are in an exclusive relationship and he has removed his as well.
  If he tells you that he “just has not gotten around to it yet,” don’t believe him! Invariably, this type is still looking at other women’s profiles, despite professing monogamy with you. So keep dating!
  
• Last but not least, don’t take yourself off an online dating site until you find who you’re looking for.
  Women decide to “take a break” from
  Match.com
  or eHarmony or decide not to renew when their six-month subscription to
  JDate.com
  runs out. That’s crazy! What is there to take a break from—meeting your future boyfriend? Would you take a break from checking online job boards if you hadn’t found a job? We didn’t think so! Sure, you can take a break by not answering your e-mails for a few days here and there, but if you really want to meet a guy, keep your profile up for as long as necessary, in addition to going out once or twice a week. You have to be in it to win it—don’t drop out of the game!
  

W
OMEN WHO DO
too much or give too much in relationships are the subject of entire self-help books. We will save you the trouble of reading them by telling you that if you have to do more than agree to go on dates for a guy to like you, then you are doing too much!

It is desperate and not
The Rules
to meet him halfway for a date, pay for dinner, take him on vacation, or buy his love in any way. Buying him gifts and splitting the cost of trips are both “nice” ways women try to ingratiate themselves with men, but it just won’t make a guy love them! Women who overdo it are spoiling guys, but we know that guys really desire women who don’t try hard at all. Worse, though, it’s manipulative—you are trying to make it easy for him to be with you. A
Rules
Girl doesn’t have to give a guy a reason to be with her by “roping him in” with her frequent-flier miles or credit card. She
is
the reason!

When you give too much in the beginning of a relationship, a guy will sense it and lose interest. It is another way in which you become the pursuer and it becomes obvious that you like him. In addition, guys have pride and don’t want to be supported, even if they initially go along with a woman’s generosity. Brenda, a thirty-five-year-old CEO, was dating
her yoga instructor. She let him stay at her city apartment on nights that he worked late, hoping that would lead to exclusivity. After some time passed, she suggested he move in so he wouldn’t have to commute to the suburbs (and really so that they could be together more often). A few weeks after they started living together, Brenda found text messages to other women on his phone. When she confronted him, he claimed, “I never said we were exclusive. It was your idea that I live here, not mine.” He wasn’t even grateful for his rent-free accommodations! Brenda called us hysterically crying because she had thought he could be The One. We told her to have him pack his bags right away. More importantly, we told her not to try to lure or trap a guy with her money, possessions, or perks, especially not to keep a relationship going. It never works!

It’s no secret that some women today are out-earning the men they are dating. Some of these women think nothing of using their money and influence to keep a guy interested. We have clients in high-powered positions or ones in family businesses who try to get guys they just met jobs at their company or their father’s firm. Not a good idea! If you get him an interview or a job, you will never know if he is dating you because of your connections or because he really likes
you.
The only way to know is to give him
nothing.

Nothing means not paying for things or doing him favors like getting him the perks of your job, whatever those are. If a guy you are dating says he doesn’t have the money to take you out for nice dinners, say, “That’s okay!” He can take you somewhere inexpensive or come up with another creative idea. Do not respond by offering to pay. If he asks to borrow money so he can do nice things for you, just tell him you don’t have it.

Randi, a twenty-nine-year-old optometrist, was dating a
struggling novelist named Michael. She paid for their dinners and also lent him money to pay his rent. Michael broke up with her after a year of dating when he coincidentally landed a six-figure book deal, claiming he was not ready for a serious relationship. What?! She was out almost $5,000! Randi wanted to e-mail him about getting her money back, but we told her to forget it and move on—she could sell the necklace he gave her. We’ve even heard of women who lent money to guys and sued them for it after the relationship ended. It can be messy and unpleasant to say the least. Just don’t do it!

Maybe he has been spoiled by other women who split everything, but that’s not your problem! Or he might say that his ex-girlfriend was a gold digger and he doesn’t want to be used again and that’s why he’s so cautious about money. To that, just respond with your apologies, but still avoid paying for anything of great value. Guys are ingenious when they are looking for a free ride—don’t fall for it! You don’t have to break up with him if everything else is good, but you need to silently show him that you are not going to be his sugar mama. It’s not about the money, it’s about the fact that a guy has to pursue or he won’t appreciate you! If you start paying, you may feel the tables turning in the relationship.

Women have many ways of being generous. They buy him a watch or an iPad. They walk through his apartment and decide he needs a bigger TV. They turn into his free interior decorator and leave their imprints all over his place, so he remembers
their
wineglasses and napkin holders. Or they rummage through his closet and decide he needs a new suit or a good leather jacket. They buy him an expensive tie or monogrammed cufflinks for his annual review with his boss. If they have an upcoming business trip or extra frequent-flier miles, they pay for him to tag along. If they work in an
industry with lots of perks, they invite him to cocktail parties and fancy dinners and send a car service to pick him up. Of course he loves all her presents and perks, but that doesn’t mean he loves her! Take our advice and save your money and wife-y generosity for when you are married. After you are married, you can decorate your love nest, buy him presents, make him your plus one on business trips and at parties—but not when you’re dating.