Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (20 page)

Without
The Rules
, women will rationalize giving buyer-beware guys a second chance and spend the rest of the relationship being angry, hurt, or confused. We believe in nipping it in the bud. If a guy is difficult in the first few months when
he is supposed to be charming and chivalrous, don’t kid yourself. Buyer beware… be careful or move on! Of course, one woman’s buyer beware is another woman’s Mr. Right. You can’t always help who you fall in love with, but
Rules
Girls don’t put up with bad behavior!

A
S WE WROTE
in our first book, dating a married man is not only dishonest and wrong, but a sign of low self-esteem and desperation—and nothing a
Rules
Girl would ever do. It’s also a complete waste of time as married men rarely leave their wives for the other woman. And even if they do leave, there is no guarantee that they will marry you, the home wrecker. And even if they do marry you, they will probably cheat on you too, so run the other way!

It used to be that the only way a guy could cheat was to go to a bar or come on to his secretary or coworker. Today’s world has opened up new avenues, and cheating has never been easier.

Furthermore, social networking sites, online dating communities, text messaging, and e-mail have made inappropriate or fantasy relationships with unavailable men accessible at the stroke of a keyboard. Some women reconnect with high school or college sweethearts on Facebook, only to find out after a month of chatting that he is married and conveniently omitted his relationship status on his profile. Other women friend guys they meet at work or school on Facebook and end up in equally inappropriate or fantasy relationships with unavailable guys.

Natalie, a twenty-one-year-old college student, had a crush on her college professor, so she friended him on Facebook. He immediately accepted and was unprofessionally friendly; the relationship escalated quickly. They texted and messaged each other morning, noon, and night. Within weeks they were hooking up in hotel rooms near campus—they were having a torrid affair. He told her he was unhappily married and planning to leave his wife, who was not on Facebook and had no idea what was going on. He constantly complained about his wife when they were out on dates, giving Natalie false hope that he was gettable. In the beginning, he took her to fancy restaurants, but within a month they were eating Happy Meals in bed. By the second month, it was just sex, no dinner. This lack of courtship is typical when you sleep with a married man! He starts to treat you kind of like a hooker.

Natalie began complaining that she didn’t see him enough—certainly never on weekends or important occasions. She asked him at least to take her out to dinner for her birthday. He said he would see what he could do, and then bailed on her at the last minute because his wife’s sister was in town and he was “stuck.” He said he would make it up to her and sent her cheap flowers. The following week Natalie was texting him almost nonstop, but getting no response. She messaged him on Facebook, “Where are you? What is going on?” He wrote back, “My wife is pregnant. I realized that I do love her and want to work things out. Sorry, but I can’t see you anymore.” He then blocked her on Facebook.

Natalie was devastated and didn’t go to class for a week. She could barely get out of bed, much less study. She lost not only her self-respect, but also six months of her life to a cheater and a liar. And because she had isolated herself from her friends so as not to divulge her secret, she had no one
to talk to when the relationship was over. Natalie was too embarrassed to tell anyone what happened, lest they judge her for having an affair.

This is a cautionary tale. Don’t be Natalie! No matter how exciting such a relationship may seem at first, it never has a happy ending; the heartache always outweighs the clandestine dates and forbidden sex. When a woman tells us she is dating or in love with a married man and wants to know what the best way is to get him, we examine her dating history and other relationships to find out why she may be obsessed with unavailable men. Invariably, we find out that one or both of her parents were emotionally distant and that is all she knows. So no matter how unfulfilling her tryst with a married man may be, it’s also comfortable and familiar. We tell women like this to break the self-destructive cycle by saying, “Next!” and putting themselves out there to meet men who are truly available.

You might argue, “But he is so my look and type and I never meet anyone I like” or “Dating a married guy is better than being alone” or “He promised to leave his wife.” If you find yourself making such excuses, tell the married guy to call you when he is separated and no longer living with his wife, and then don’t give him the time of day—
no
communication—and get busy dating other people! You can easily waste years having sex in cheap hotels, believing in empty promises, and spending holidays alone while he’s on vacation in Aruba with his family!

It’s important to note that married men are not the only men who are unavailable. Sometimes a woman will reach out, asking us how to get the guy in her office who stares at her or the guy at the gym who always uses the treadmill next to her. “It’s been three months, he looks at me, he flirts with me, but he never asks for my number… What do I do?”

Unfortunately,
nothing
! Sometimes guys like to flirt and are super friendly, but if they are not asking you out for coffee or drinks or a date, they might have a girlfriend. If a guy stares at you or even talks to you and flirts with you, but doesn’t ask you out, it’s a fantasy relationship. Don’t try to move things along by sitting next to him or innocently suggest discussing your workout regiment over coffee. You will either get rejected immediately or create a relationship that was never supposed to happen and get rejected
later
. Nothing good will come of it, so just don’t go there!

Sometimes a fantasy relationship begins with a guy friend who suspects you’ve always had a little crush on him. You’ve been hanging out a lot and then one day he asks if you want to try being more than friends. He might say he’s always been attracted to you, but felt you were out of his league (first red flag!), or that he is shy and most women usually come on to him anyway (yeah, right!). He throws it all out there and wants to know if you are game. You say, “Sure, let’s try it.” You hook up, and then, just when you expected him to follow through, the relationship becomes completely confusing. He doesn’t ask you out on dates, he just texts you last minute to hang out like he always did, or he invites you on a ski trip and you sleep together, but then he skips Valentine’s Day. The relationship is fraught with mixed messages. He dips in and out of your life. You even joke with your girlfriends that he might be in the Witness Protection Program because you can never find him, especially on your birthday or New Year’s Eve.

We call such men “mixed-messages” guys. They try to make you think that you are in a relationship and occasionally even talk about it, but their actions don’t match up. When you call him out on his less than boyfriend-like behavior, he defends it
by saying, “My last breakup was really bad, so I don’t know if I can do this” or “I’m a mess right now” or he swears that the florist screwed up the flowers he ordered but that never came for your birthday. He has a long list of excuses, which a lot of women buy into. Then, just when you think you’re through with him for good, he’ll text, “How come we don’t see each other more?” to rope you back in. Arggh! Mixed messages!

Naturally you are baffled and want to know what is going on. Don’t be.
Nothing
is going on. Why does he bother at all? What’s in it for him? We’ve had many consultations about mixed-messages guys and we’ve come to the conclusion that he might be getting back at an ex-girlfriend or all women in general; he had a love-hate relationship with his mother; or he’s just bored and being with you here and there is fun for him like a sport or video game—whatever it is, he’s not in love with you!

Sometimes these women argue that the guy is doing
The Rules
on them, but guys don’t do
The Rules
on women—they just don’t like them enough. We hate to break it to you, but there are no mixed messages when a guy likes you! Once a guy crosses over and suggests being more than friends but then doesn’t follow through like a real boyfriend would, it’s over. Next! The last thing you need is a confused guy texting and messaging you sporadically, giving you false hope. For all you know, he has four other women just like you waiting for him to finish whatever work project or emotional issue he’s working on. He’s not even married, but he’s just as unavailable.

Remember, today’s new technology has brought fantasy relationships to a whole new level of bad. A guy can text a girl sporadically, making her think he likes her or that they’re in a
relationship. He asks her out only when he wants to hook up, but she can’t really complain that she never hears from him because he stays in touch electronically. He will send frivolous “what’s up?” or “how was your weekend?” texts and Gchats pretending to care about her, but it’s really because he’s bored and just keeping the relationship going so she is available when his dream girl is not or when he has nothing better to do. Many women fall for these guys under false pretenses. They waste years in on-again, off-again relationships, but we tell them there is no such thing. A relationship is either on with weekly dates or completely off! One of the reasons we wrote this book is to weed out these guys right away and prevent them from breaking your heart and wasting your time.

W
E SPENT
RULE
#22 discussing red flags in men’s behavior and avoiding Mr. Wrong. But a guy who cancels a date more than once, unless it’s a bona fide emergency, is such a buyer beware that we felt this behavior warranted its own chapter.

Women ask us all the time if it’s okay to see a guy who canceled yet again and wants to reschedule. They tell us, “He just texted me that he got a flat tire and needs to take a rain check” or “He e-mailed to say that he can’t meet me tonight because his friend invited him to a football game. What should I do?”

We are not trying to sound overly dramatic here, but canceling is the kiss of death! Of course we know that the world has become a more casual place and no one thinks twice about flip-flopping lunch appointments in an e-mail, rescheduling drinks in a group text, or canceling a training session with the touch of an iPhone!

But in
The Rules
world, canceling a date—unless there’s a real emergency—is not to be taken lightly. A guy should be able to make a date with you and keep it, regardless of work, the weather, or whatever else is going on in his life. A date
with you should be sacred. It should be written in ink, not in pencil.

A guy will come up with any excuse when he wants to break a date. He’s sick, his parents are visiting, a former coworker just called to have drinks, or he suddenly has a deadline. Women will argue with us that his excuse is plausible and beg to be allowed to give him a second chance. But the truth is that men don’t cancel because their stomach is upset or because work is crazy (on Saturday night?), or because they got last-minute tickets to a football game. What’s more likely is that a guy will cancel because he’s just not that into you or because the girl he
really
likes suddenly became available.

Unfortunately, a woman with a crush or in love will believe a guy’s reasons for canceling because she wants so badly to make the relationship work. She lies to herself or looks the other way. But over time and through more cancellations and disappointments, she becomes a nervous wreck filled with insecurity and trust issues. In a healthy
Rules
relationship, a guy calls or texts every week for Saturday night dates; he does not cancel or skip a week, so the woman enjoys a feeling of stability and security. She can relax and go about her business.

Hannah, twenty-eight, met her boyfriend at a sports bar. Andrew, thirty, spoke to her first and they went out a week later for drinks. After that he asked her out for the following Saturday night by Wednesday. So far, so good. But then he texted her Friday morning that he had to cancel because a friend from out of town decided to visit him last minute, and then he canceled
again
two weeks later because he was coming down with a cold. We said, “Oh no, this is not good, it sounds suspicious.” Hannah believed him, but we didn’t. We
said, “On a Saturday night? Can’t he see his friend
any
other time during the weekend? A cold? Really? We just don’t trust this guy; his excuses seemed a little lame. Doesn’t he want to gaze into your blue eyes over dinner and possibly make out with you?”

Hannah respected what we had to say, but was so head over heels in love with Andrew that she continued to date him, hoping against hope that we were wrong. We didn’t hear from her again until two years later when she e-mailed that she needed another consultation about Andrew. Hannah confessed that Andrew had broken up with her a couple of times because she was pressuring him to propose; he told her he couldn’t even think about it until he got a promotion. Two months later he got his promotion and proposed with a ring and a wedding date. She was happy and relieved.

A month before the wedding, he told her he was having a “major panic attack about work” and went to a therapist who agreed with him that getting married was too stressful at that time and advised him not to go through with the wedding. Hannah was in shock. “WHAT??? Cancel our wedding? Break my heart? I have to call all the bridesmaids and guests and tell them the wedding’s off? Lose ten thousand dollars in deposits?” Sadly, we weren’t that surprised. Any guy who can cancel more than one date can cancel a wedding. But over time, Hannah had grown so accustomed to accepting Andrew’s excuses that she didn’t even comprehend the enormity of what had just happened. She wanted to know if the relationship was still salvageable! We told her to sell the ring and move on.