Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (22 page)

If you really want to stop going on booty calls and stop meaningless hookups, stop lying to yourself. Every one of these hookups starts with some kind of lie that “this time will be different” or “this time I won’t care if he doesn’t ask me out” or “this is how I will get my ex back” or “this will make him see how good I am in bed and like me and ask me out.”

Missy, twenty-five, had a much worse experience than Lauren. She traveled a lot for work and often felt lonely in the downtime between her meeting-filled days. On one such business trip, she hooked up with a guy she met at the hotel bar and fell asleep in his room that night. He decided to take a naked photo of her and post it online; everyone saw it. She tried to remove it, but as you can imagine, once it is out there, it’s not so easy to take down. Missy was hysterical and is still working on getting over feeling violated. But this experience scared her into stopping her drunk and careless behavior. Unfortunately, sometimes something awful or
embarrassing has to happen to wake a girl up and make her realize that what she is doing is not only unproductive, but also downright destructive. Missy never went on a booty call again. With our help, she is now dating nice guys who respect her and ask her out on dinner dates. We told her to move on like it never happened and not to let the incident haunt her, because any man who loves her will not care. Looking back, Missy could not believe she ever accepted such crumbs from men. She now realizes that any man who tries to see you last minute in the middle of the night will treat you barely better than a hooker. A man will treat you the way you let him!

When a guy doesn’t care about you, he will do anything for a laugh or a thrill, even at your expense. Not hearing from a guy again is bad enough, but being taunted by a booty call is a whole new level of scary. Your reputation and even education or career can be severely damaged in a nanosecond, so think twice about hooking up with someone who isn’t crazy about you or someone you don’t trust.

Many girls who engaged in casual hookups in college find themselves repeating the same behavior in their mid to late twenties. But why would it just stop? Bad habits are hard to break. Going back to casual sex is like going back to cigarettes—you crave something to help you stop feeling low or lonely, whether it’s a substance or a sex partner. The more you do it, the harder it is to stop. If you’re sleeping around at any time in your life,
just stop
. It’s stupid and it’s only going to stay with you. Instead of working on a stable, constructive
Rules
relationship, you’ll be answering booty-call texts in the middle of the night. Sure, it is bad enough to accept a booty call at eighteen, but at twenty-eight, it’s self-destructive because the stakes are so much higher. You have a job, rent to pay, and many other responsibilities. There is less room
for error, and it’s just not smart to be in relationships that are totally physical and with no future. Why? Because at twenty-eight and older, most women are looking for meaningful relationships with men they can love and trust.

Furthermore, it doesn’t matter who the guy is—booty calls are
never
good for you. Alexa, twenty-six, was casually hooking up with her ex-boyfriend, reasoning that it was okay because she knows him. She goes out to bars and parties almost every night, meets no one, and then ends up getting in touch with her ex and going to his place because, after all, he’s not a stranger. Maybe it would even lead to their getting back together. This arrangement went on for a year after he had broken up with her before she realized that the relationship was going nowhere. It
never
works when you have sex with a guy you want a relationship with who doesn’t feel the same way. In fact, ex-boyfriends are sometimes the worst offenders because they often lead you to believe that they want to get back together (“It’s just that right now is a bad time”) when all they really want is sex. Girls end up wasting time and living in the past or having a fantasy relationship instead of moving on and meeting new guys.

It’s not that bad things always happen on booty calls, but that sometimes
nothing
happens, which
is
what’s bad. You don’t go the extra mile to meet someone new; it doesn’t lead to a long-term relationship—it’s just instant gratification and then pain. Waste of time!
The Rules
are all about long-term gratification, not a quick night of fun followed by pain and regret. When you’re a
Rules
Girl, you know what a date is and you know how you deserve to be treated. It’s not just about ignoring late-night invitations, but also about holding out for a healthy
Rules
relationship.

How do guys feel about girls who go on booty calls? We
polled hundreds of guys in college and beyond. Here’s what some had to say:

“In college, everybody talks. And with cell phones, word travels fast.”

“No guy will respect her. They’ll think, ‘She’s too easy… I don’t have to work that hard to see her’ and move on to someone else. Or if they do text or call again, it’s just to do it again.”

“They are easy—not girlfriend material. No one wants to date someone who has been with all their friends. I hope these girls are gone when I wake up. I would never touch her sober.”

“It’s bad. A lot of times it’s the girl texting guys at 2 a.m. and it’s never to talk, only to hook up. She will write, “hey what are you up to” or “where are you” and my friends and I will laugh because we know she means, “I want to have sex.”

“One girl sent me and my friend the same exact text saying her roommate was out so she had the room to herself, but we were sitting next to each other when we got it. Neither of us went obviously.”

“Advice? No guy wants to date a 2 a.m. booty-call girl. They want to date the girl who won’t come over.”

“I think it’s a perfect situation for a guy who’s not looking for a relationship. You have a sex buddy who’s more than willing to sleep with you and more than likely thinks you are serious about her, if not now, then one day.”

W
E LIVE IN
a sex-crazed society, where songs about one-night stands and S&M play all day long, and TV shows portray young women dressed up like hookers carrying condoms in their Chanel bags. Teen pregnancy is always on the news in some capacity, and nineteen-year-olds have sex tapes!

It’s a sex culture, all right. But the fact that other women are buying into it now more than ever before doesn’t mean you should! You are a
Rules
Girl: you have self-esteem, standards, and boundaries. So when is it sensible for a
Rules
Girl to have sex?

Your first time is a big deal, so you shouldn’t rush to get it over with or be with the wrong guy. Ideally, you should be in some sort of a relationship with a guy who is into you, who cares about you, who is kind to you, and who wants to cuddle afterward—not someone who treats you like a notch on his belt and can’t get away fast enough. You don’t want your first time to be unpleasant or something you long to forget. We think you should be at least eighteen, and wait as long as you can—ideally a year into the relationship. If you are older, you should still wait at least three months (or twelve consecutive dates—a lot of time spent together). In any case, make sure you trust him and feel comfortable with him.

Rules
Girls make guys wait to help them fall in love with you, your soul, and your essence—not just your body. The
longer you wait to have sex, the more he can court you, plan romantic things together, and dream about you. Guys will treat you better and respect you more if you don’t give sex away too soon. As we keep saying over and over again, guys love a challenge and don’t appreciate anything that comes too easily, especially sex! Women who take off their clothes on date one or even date two or three are not acting hard to get; they are the opposite of Creatures Unlike Any Other. These girls run the risk of getting dumped or becoming the late-night booty-call girl because it’s obvious how easily they’ll give it up.

It used to be that HIV, sexually transmitted diseases, and getting pregnant were the only risks for sexually active women. These are still dangers you’ll face, but now, there are a whole host of other pitfalls waiting for women who succumb too soon. A guy can humiliate you by planting cameras in the room and posting your dalliance online or e-mailing it to everyone. He can tell everyone about your night together and watch how quickly the rumor mill turns with text messages and Twitter. Sleeping with a guy you just met is a really bad idea. If he doesn’t know you well, he probably doesn’t care about you and won’t think twice about hurting you. Conversely, the more he gets to know you, the safer he will make you feel.

When you do decide you want to sleep with a guy, first ask yourself if you truly believe he will call or text you afterward. It’s a terrible idea to hook up with someone you don’t think you’ll hear from again. Even if you think you “don’t care,” that’s not necessarily how you’ll feel the next morning or next week. Women tell us all the time that they “don’t care” if the guy just wanted sex and nothing more. They say things like “We locked eyes and we knew it was going to happen; we just
had to do it.” They convince themselves that they are capable of feeling like a man when it comes to sex, but the next morning they are compulsively checking their phones and are completely heartbroken when they don’t hear from the guy. Even
Sex and the City
’s Samantha Jones fell for a guy or two!

It’s always better to wait until you have an emotional connection before a physical one so you don’t get hurt. Women want to bond with a guy, snuggle, and hear words such as “like” and “love” and “exclusive.” They want security and a sense of togetherness. For guys, sex can be more mechanical. When it’s over, they often get up, get dressed, and go to work, no problem. No matter what you anticipate you’ll feel, it’s always the same. Most women are hardwired to desire emotional intimacy and invariably end up hurt when they act under any other pretense.

Also crucial: ensure that you have the right motives. Don’t use sex to trap a guy into a relationship. Don’t act lovey-dovey as he is putting on his socks and say, “So when am I going to hear from you?” or text him later, “Where is this relationship going now that we have slept together?” Sex is not an excuse to have a relationship talk or all-night instant-messaging chat. He doesn’t owe you anything emotionally just because you’ve had sex. Going into the act with this mind-set is manipulative and will usually backfire. Sometimes a woman’s obvious expectations or demands that sex bring more closeness and familiarity can send a guy running.

Now, some women say they would never sleep with a guy on the first date, but are open to everything else: they let guys put handcuffs on them and have oral sex and think that doesn’t count. But it does. When we say make a guy wait, we mean no more than casual kissing on the first date. On the second date, you can French kiss if he wants to. On the third
or fourth date you can make out a little more. By the time he wants to sleep with you, if you feel it’s not the right time yet, you can absolutely say, “I’d like to, but I’m not ready.” If he gets angry or threatens to stop seeing you, then he’s not the guy for you. Don’t let any man pressure you into sleeping with him too soon!

Other women carry this “make him wait for sex”
Rule
to the extreme. We don’t suggest you necessarily make a man wait until you are married. Of course, if you are religious or have other beliefs that support abstinence, we respect that. It is important not to be a tease: if you are not planning to sleep with him for six months or a year for whatever reason, it’s only fair to tell him so he can decide whether he wants to wait. Sometimes making a guy wait
too
long can attract guys who are not really into sex at all. He may be relieved because he has a low sex drive or prefers porn to intimacy or is just not that into you. How will you know if you are sexually compatible if you wait until you are married? Sex is an important part of any relationship—we just believe it should be approached with caution.

But here’s the tricky part of this
Rule
: Let’s say you’re more into sex than the guy is. You feel he is going too slowly (only kissing you on the fifth date) and you want to speed things up. Should you make a move? Absolutely not! If you initiate anything physical, you are creating a situation in which you are the aggressor, which might make you feel self-conscious in other parts of the relationship. It’s hard to feel desired and secure when you are doing most of or all the work. Sex should be treated like any other part of your relationship—he should make the first move and make you feel wanted. If he is not sexually aggressive enough for you, then maybe he is not the right guy for you.

Conversely, withholding sex to punish a guy is not good either. When something in the relationship is not going their way, some women’s impulse is to get even by denying a guy sex. We are totally against that tactic. Once you’ve had sex with a guy there is no going back—the tone has been set. The best way to deal with a bump in the relationship is to see him less, pull back, and be suddenly busy.
The Rules
are more emotional than physical. He needs to feel that you are slipping away and that he may lose you. So see him less and don’t always answer his messages, but if you
do
see him, you should continue to sleep with him if you have already. Otherwise, he will think you are spiteful.

No matter when you decide you’re ready to have sex with a guy, be smart and practice it safely. Don’t let a guy convince you in the heat of the moment that it’s okay not to use a condom “just this once.” If you are on birth control and in a committed, exclusive relationship, ask him to get tested for STDs. You can even ask to see the doctor’s report, as some guys will lie about getting tested. If you have any doubts whatsoever, use a condom.
Rules
Girls play it safe and take care of themselves!