Notes from the Life of a Total Genius (22 page)

June 14th

Dear RJ,

My fencing competition is tomorrow. I’m really nervous! I’ve been practising so much, and I even sometimes do footwork at the bus stop. (But not when other people are around, and really subtly. I don’t want people to think I’m a total weirdo!) But still, I don’t know what to expect. What if everyone is as good as Joie? What if my foil stops working in the middle of the bout, and so I get points, but they don’t register on the lightbox? What if I get hit so hard that I have to go to the hospital?

Dad is going to come and watch, but I didn’t invite anyone else. I almost told the Leg Breakers about it, because they wanted to meet to rehearse on Sunday, but then I don’t want them to come, in case I lose. What was I thinking, signing up for a competition? I’m not an athlete. Maybe I won’t go. I should probably not go.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

Personal Reflections: What Is Junior High?

You’ve almost made it! You’ve lived through three years of junior high and are soon off to the new challenges of high school.

Before you embark on the next step of your life adventure, take this assignment as an opportunity to reflect on the last three years. What middle-school experiences have affected you? How has your thinking changed over the last three years? What kind of advice would you pass on to a grade seven student starting junior high in September?

Due: June 25

From: Von Ipo ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: June 17, 17:24

Hey, Arthur!

So a bunch of the Leg Breakers are going to meet at my house before grad on Friday and go together. You’re coming with us, right? Wouldn’t be the same without you! We’re basically going to show up like it’s the red carpet. Ben said that we should all wear shades and walk in really slowly, like we’re in a movie. Won’t that be awesome?

Ben and Millie are going together, but they’re still going to meet us here, so there’ll be like eight of us. My mom can drive us, and Latha said that her dad might be able to drive the rest of us if we don’t all fit in the car. I wanted to rent a limo, but my dad said no. Which is so weird, because he basically lets me do whatever I want all the time.

Anyway, we’re meeting at 5:00. Hope you can come!

Von

June 17th

Dear RJ,

Millie is going to grad with Ben? When did that happen? Are they together? She never said anything like that at fencing. I thought she liked Vincent. And what about Joie? Millie had said that she was taking Joie as her date to our grad. Does that mean that Joie’s going alone? I know she’s still coming; yesterday she was talking about the dress she was going to wear. I wonder if she’s coming to Von’s house as well. Maybe I should call and ask her if she wants a ride. Will she think that I like her? I’ve never hung out with just Joie. What if it’s weird to not have Millie there? It’s just a ride to a dumb dance. I should just call her, right, RJ? I’m being dumb. This is so stupid. We’re just friends, and I’m just offering her a ride to Von’s house because her place is on the way. I’m just being environmentally conscious. Right?

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

June 17th

Dear RJ,

OK, I’m back. So I called Joie and asked her if she needed a ride to Von’s house and she said yes. And then we talked for an hour on the phone, just about all kinds of other stuff. We talked about Millie and Ben, and they ARE together, and have been for two weeks, and they are already planning to go with Ben’s parents to their family cabin for a week in July, so Joie said it sounds pretty serious. We talked about fencing, and we talked about how funny Bill Murray is (she’s a huge fan) and she said that I should watch some Wes Anderson movies because they are really funny, and that they remind her of me. So now I have to know what these movies are like. She’s really funny, RJ. I think she might be funnier than Millie. Together they are pretty hilarious, but she’s actually funny by herself too.

Anyway, I’m going to pick her up to go to Von’s together. Well, not together together, but just together.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

By Arthur Bean

The band is playing, the crowd is pumped: the senior boys basketball final is about to start, and it looks like we’re going to win this year — after all, we’re playing Diefenbaker, and their star player has a groin injury. The energy is high, and then … in comes Terry.

Terry’s looking worse for wear. The fox costume that has been recycled for over fifteen years is ready for retirement. It’s been here longer than Mr. Kim, and I’m pretty sure he was teaching here before the Mounties created Fort Calgary. Terry the Fox is matted everywhere. His red coat of fur has turned puke brown-orange with age, and the papier mâché structure is showing under the armpits. He’s been painted red to try and mask the damage done to Terry over the years, but I think it looks worse than seeing the bare spots. Not only that, but Terry the Fox stinks. Fifteen years of teenage boys running up and down the bleachers while inside the massive costume have taken their toll on all our olfactory senses. You can literally smell the fox before he even enters the gym. How is that supposed to inspire our athletes? The only thing I can think of is that they want to win quicker to get away from the steaming furry mess jumping on the sidelines of the big game.

So let’s get rid of the pest, and while we’re at it, why not update the mascot? Sure, it’s easy to be the Terry Foxes, but couldn’t we use a little imagination and be something more creative? I’m just thinking out loud here, but some of my suggestions are: the Gophers (they are consistently digging up our fields), the Leg Breakers (so dramatic, and so powerful!) or perhaps, and I’m just brainstorming here, the Beans? Or the Arthurs? I know there’s a sassy little aardvark on TV who shares my name and would probably love to be a mascot for a junior high!

So, even though I and my grade nine class wouldn’t get the thrill of seeing a new little Arthur cheering everyone on, it would warm my heart to think of him.

It’s time to change the mascot. But hey, that’s …

Just One Guy’s Opinion.

Hey, Artie!

Nice work on your final article. It’s not what I was expecting, but I chuckled at the idea of you being our mascot. That’s never BEAN done before!

Thanks again for all your hard work on the newspaper these past three years. I’ve been constantly amazed by your ability to spin stories in a unique direction. It’s like you work in a fabric store, you have so much material!

Good luck next year, Artie. I wish you every success!

Cheers!
Mr. E.