Nothing Changes Until You Do: A Guide to Self-Compassion and Getting Out of Your Own Way (16 page)

In her book
The Top Five Regrets of the Dying
, Bronnie Ware, who worked for a number of years directly with people who were dying, says one of the main regrets people have at the end of their lives is, “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”

A few weeks ago, as I was writing this book, I saw a Facebook post from a friend of mine about a friend of his from high school who had died suddenly in an accident. He was just about my age, and as I looked at the posts on his Facebook page, although I didn’t know him, I could feel the sadness, love, shock, and gratitude being expressed about him, his life, and his death. As I scrolled through the many photos, posts, and expressions of condolences, I was struck by what a vibrant spirit this man had and moved by all of the photos of parties, gatherings, adventures, and good times. After spending quite a bit of time looking at all of this, I was struck by the fact that I couldn’t tell what he did for a living and no one even mentioned it in any of the posts. Maybe his career wasn’t all that important to him or he hadn’t had much professional “success” in his life. Regardless of the circumstances, reading these heartfelt posts and thinking about the sudden death of someone so close to my own age made me stop and think more deeply about who I am and what matters.

In many ways, when it’s all said and done, what we do is way less important than who we are. And, when we can remember that, it gives us a healthy and important perspective about how to live life, engage in our work, and focus on what’s most important.

CHAPTER 28

Roll with Life

In March of 2013, I got an offer from Hay House, whom I’d been hoping to work with for some time, to publish the book that you’re reading right now. I was elated, humbled, and grateful. For the first time in a number of years, I actually felt ready and excited to write a new book.

For the past few years, when people would ask me what my next book was going to be about, I would often say, “I have a few different ideas, but am not one hundred percent sure yet. I do know one thing, for sure, about my next book—it’s going to be an enjoyable experience to write.” Putting together each of my first two books was quite stressful for me, for different reasons.

When I wrote
Focus on the Good Stuff
, I had a lot of insecurity and fear of the unknown, since it was my first time. In addition, we had a new baby at home, so trying to figure out how to write a book, run my business, and be there for Michelle and Samantha all at the same time posed lots of challenges.

With
Be Yourself, Everyone Else Is Already Taken
, although I had written a book before, I had more demands and expectations on my time, and we also had a two-year-old at home and another baby on the way. A busy daddy, pregnant mommy, and passionate toddler don’t often combine to make the most peaceful home environment. On top of this, the manuscript and the new baby were both due right around the same time, so the pressure was on.

For this third book, I decided I was going to create a stress-free, drama-free writing experience. My plan was to get started a little bit in the spring—gather notes and ideas, and start putting the outline of the book together. But, given the nature of my speaking and travel schedule, I planned to focus most of my attention on writing during the summer. Specifically, I planned to take the month of July off and not schedule any speaking engagements, meetings, or anything else—so that I could fully focus on the book. One of the things I’ve learned about myself in the past is that if I immerse myself in the process, I can actually write quite a bit in a relatively short amount of time. On the flip side, it’s very difficult for me to write just a little bit every day in the midst of my daily life.

Because of the nature of my business, although I try to take time off when I can, I usually don’t take a full month off from speaking engagements, events, and marketing activities in the middle of the year. The only other time I’ve done this in the past has been in December, when things are often pretty quiet business-wise during the holiday season. Taking the whole month of July off felt a little scary, but mostly exciting, given that I was looking forward to having some dedicated time to just focus on the book. I hadn’t gotten as much done leading up to July as I had planned, but I was hopeful that the month off would be productive.

However, on June 26th, we got an e-mail from the owner of the house we’d been renting for the previous two years letting us know that he was putting it on the market and he wanted us to move out. We had spoken to him about the lease the month before, and the plan had been for us to re-sign for another year at the end of July, so this was a big change in plans. All of a sudden, we had to find a new house. And, the month of July that I was planning to use primarily for writing was now going to involve finding a new house, packing, and moving—yikes!

Needless to say, this threw Michelle and me for a bit of a loop. After a couple days of panic, we picked ourselves up off the floor and began to look for a new house. Amazingly, within about a week, we found a great new house on an incredible street (at the end of a cul-de-sac with lots of kids the girls’ same age). We got the house and were elated, although now there was the issue of packing up our entire house and my office, and moving everything in a relatively short amount of time in the midst of trying to get some work done on the book so that I could actually attempt to finish it on time. The manuscript was due on August 31st—so much for the drama-free, stress-free writing experience I was planning.

While there were definitely some interesting twists, turns, and bumps in the road, and I wouldn’t categorize it as “smooth sailing” by any stretch, amazingly everything got done on time, without too much trouble. What allowed for this to happen were a few specific things. First of all, we got some great support from a number of people around us. Second of all, amazing and heroic work was done by Michelle in taking care of so many aspects of the house, the girls, and our lives. And third, and probably most important, was
surrendering
to the experience as it was happening. There were times in the midst of the move and the writing process when I found myself resisting what was going on. In those moments, things were very difficult, and I suffered. However, when I began allowing things to be exactly as they were—accepting and appreciating the reality of what was going on—all there really was to do was the next thing, which was whatever was right in front of me (packing or unloading a box, writing a chapter, and so on). And while it did take a lot of support, quite a bit of focus, and a few miracles along the way, it was a great reminder of the importance of rolling with life as it shows up.

All too often, we get overwhelmed by the enormity of a task or thinking that we have to do it all at once—instead of step by step, which is how everything gets done in life. Whether it’s cleaning out our garage, organizing our desk, catching up on our e-mail, or working on a big project at work or at home, when we surrender to what’s actually happening (and stop fighting against it), reach out for some support, and attempt to accomplish what’s right in front of us, little by little, most things we have to deal with, even really big stuff, can be handled with a relative amount of ease. It’s really up to us and how we relate to what’s going on.

One of my absolute favorite quotes is from Byron Katie. She says, “When you argue with reality you lose, but only one hundred percent of the time.”

CHAPTER 29

Speak Your Truth (Even if Your Voice Shakes)

Before Michelle and I got married, each of us wanted to put together a gathering with the respective important men and women in our lives to celebrate the end of our singlehood. These weren’t bachelor or bachelorette parties in the standard sense; rather, we were looking to prepare for our wedding in a sacred way. We wanted to honor our single lives by authentically acknowledging all they had provided to us.

We each set up a time to go away on the same weekend with our respective groups of close friends about a month before our wedding ceremony. I gathered with a group of a dozen male friends at the home of one of the men who had a great place right on the water. We were excited to spend the weekend there, and looked forward to hanging out, going waterskiing, and catching up.

In addition to having fun and playing around on my friend’s boat, I wanted to spend a few hours sitting in a circle with these men who were important in my life and talking through some of my thoughts and feelings related to getting married. One of the things that I’d brought with me was a folder of photos of the five other women in my life who I’d been in love with prior to meeting Michelle. I wanted to talk about each of them, as a way to honor them and acknowledge what I’d learned from them about life, love, and myself. Each of these women and my relationships with them had taught me a great deal and helped put me in the position I was in, feeling ready and excited to get married (albeit nervous as well). All five of these women had been important to me, and still were, even though our relationships had changed. I wanted to somehow include them in the experience, while at the same time release them as parts of my past.

Although I wanted to do this, I felt pretty weird about the possibility of actually talking to these men about my past loves. Even though I trusted the men in that circle very much, it felt potentially awkward and disrespectful for me to have a conversation about other women, especially right as I was preparing to marry Michelle. In addition, Michelle’s brother Steve, my soon-to-be brother-in-law, was one of the men who would be sitting in that circle. I didn’t know how that would feel for him or for me.

I brought the photos, put them in my bag, and thought that if it felt right and I had the courage to do so, I’d bring them out and talk about them. If not, they could just stay in my bag and no one would know. As we gathered and began to talk about various things, I was able to share vulnerably about some of my deepest thoughts and feelings related to getting married—my hopes, fears, dreams, worries, visions, and more. It was beautiful. I felt seen, honored, and blessed by my friends.

Given how safe I felt, I decided to reach into my bag and take out the photos. I said, “Michelle and I went to a wedding a few years ago—the friends of ours getting married had both been married previously. During the ceremony, they each acknowledged their ex-spouses and thanked them for all they had learned from them. I found it both odd and inspiring at the same time. In that vein, I brought with me photos of five different women, each of whom I was in love with at some point in my life before I met Michelle. These women were, and still are, important to me. I want to pass around each of the photos and tell you a little about them and what I learned from them.”

I could tell by the looks on the faces around the circle that most of the men were both intrigued and a little caught off guard by this conversation. And while it did feel a bit weird, especially at first, and I could feel my heart racing and my voice shaking, as I got into it, it actually felt really good and empowering. The conversation didn’t go on for all that long as I passed the photos around and talked about each of the women. However, once I finished, something amazing happened. One of my friends said, “Wow, Mike, thanks for having the courage to share these photos and your feelings about these women. I think about some of the women I’ve been in love with in the past from time to time, but I never talk about them out loud.”

We proceeded as a group to have a remarkable conversation that lasted for a few hours, in which most of the men in that circle talked about some of their past relationships, particularly the ones that had been the most heartbreaking. It was one of the most intimate and beautiful conversations I’ve ever had with a group of men in my life. There were tears, there was laughter, and there was a profound sense of freedom and liberation from the openness and truth of that conversation.

I’m so glad I was willing to have that conversation with those men that day. Not only did it serve and support me as I was preparing to get married, it turned out to have a positive impact on everyone in that circle, which was beyond my wildest expectations.

This is often what happens when we speak our truth—it enlivens us and has the possibility to inspire others. However, it’s important to remember that speaking our truth involves courage, awareness, and nonattachment.

Courage is about speaking up, even if we’re scared. Sometimes our voice will shake, our knees will knock, and our heart will pound, but if we’re willing to speak from our heart, our truth can both set us free and connect us with others in an authentic way.

Awareness is essential because we often confuse our
truth
with our
opinion
, and they are not the same thing. If you’re anything like me, you probably have lots of opinions. There’s nothing wrong with having and expressing opinions. However, many of our opinions are filled with righteous judgment and an arrogant sense that we’re right and those who don’t agree with us are wrong. Our truth runs much deeper than any of our opinions. Truth is about how we feel and what’s real for us. Truth is not about being right; it’s about expressing what we think and feel in a vulnerable way.

For example, let’s say I have a conflict with someone in my life because they sent me an e-mail that I thought was rude and disrespectful. If I were to talk to them (or even worse, e-mail them back) and say, “Your e-mail was rude and disrespectful,” while that may be my honest opinion, it wouldn’t be my deepest truth and most likely wouldn’t lead to a resolution of the conflict. If I were to say to them, “Your e-mail upset me and hurt my feelings,” that would express more of my truth. Our truth is about our emotional experience. Our opinion is about our mental assessment.

And, if we can remember to let go of our attachment, speaking our truth becomes much easier. We often get attached to how people will perceive us. The reality is that we can’t control other people’s reactions to us or to anything we do or say. If we speak our truth with love, awareness, and authenticity, it will often be received well, even if those who hear it don’t agree with what we’re saying or feel the same way. However, sometimes it will upset, confuse, offend, or hurt others—even if that wasn’t our intention. While we want to be as mindful and empathetic toward others as we can, speaking our truth is about being true to who we are and how we feel. And, as a popular saying goes, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”