Nothing Changes Until You Do: A Guide to Self-Compassion and Getting Out of Your Own Way (8 page)

As Emily Saliers from the Indigo Girls said, “You have to laugh at yourself, because you’d cry your eyes out if you didn’t.”

Laughter is actually important on many levels. Clearly, it helps shift our perspective and alter our mood, but research shows that it also has quite a positive impact on our physiology—relaxing our muscles, boosting our immune systems, releasing endorphins and decreasing stress hormones, and increasing blood flow to the heart.

I’m not advocating that we laugh ourselves into denial or avoid dealing with the serious aspects of our lives—as we all know, sometimes laughter can be used as a way of deflecting, or in other unhealthy and harmful ways. However, being able to bring lightness, levity, and laughter into our lives and relationships in an authentic and healthy way is one of the best things we can do to take care of ourselves and keep things in perspective. Teeth will fall out, kids will throw fits, and all kinds of frustrating things (both big and small) will occur in your life—find the humor in the situation and your outlook will change.

CHAPTER 11

Remember How Strong You Are

In early March of 2011, I was sitting in my car in the parking lot of the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Half Moon Bay, California, where I was scheduled to speak later that morning. Although it was a pretty big event, I wasn’t feeling all that nervous about it—I had other things on my mind. I called one of my best friends, Theo, to reach out for his support. Theo and I have been friends for more than a decade—we’ve helped each other through a lot of big life stuff, even though we live on opposites sides of the country and due to our busy schedules don’t actually get to see each other in person all that much. I love, trust, and admire Theo a great deal—not only is he one of the smartest people I know, he’s also one of those people you can call at 3
A.M.
and know he’ll be there for you.

That particular morning the conversation focused completely on me and our house situation. We’d been trying to work with our lender to figure out how to get out from under the enormous negative equity position we were in. Things were really up in the air with the bank, doing a short sale wasn’t looking all that good, and the reality that we might simply need to walk away and have them foreclose on us was a real possibility. I felt paralyzed by my fear, shame, and embarrassment, and I was completely overwhelmed by the circumstances.

I said, “I don’t know if I can handle this. I can’t believe we put ourselves in this situation. How could I have allowed this to happen? I feel like an idiot!”

Theo listened with empathy and understanding. Then he said, “First of all, Mike, stop being so hard on yourself. Yes, you’ve made some mistakes, but you’re learning from them and you’re clearly not an idiot. Second of all, even with the mistakes you’ve made, a lot of people are in your same situation. It’s not your fault that the economy crashed and the housing market imploded. And, finally, it’s important to remember that
you have more than this requires
.”

As I allowed what he said to resonate with me, I was touched by a few specific things. First of all, I was reminded once again why Theo has been a constant in my life. He’s always able to acknowledge the reality of a situation and then put it in perspective. Second of all, his words made me stop and take inventory of some of the adversity I’ve overcome in my life. In so doing, I was reminded that I am actually quite resilient. I got to thinking more and more about my own internal strength (and the strength we each possess as human beings) over the hours and days that followed our conversation.

In just about every situation and circumstance in life, we really do have more than is required to not only deal with what’s happening, but to thrive in the face of it. As the saying goes,
whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
. While I don’t believe that we have to necessarily suffer and struggle in order to grow and evolve in life, one of the best things we can do when dealing with a major challenge is to look for the gifts and to find the gold in the situation as much as possible.

Each of us has overcome a lot in our lives—both big and small. If you spend enough time walking around the planet, chances are you’ll experience some significant adversity. Dealing with and overcoming it not only teaches us a lot about ourselves, others, and life, but also gives us the opportunity to be reminded of our own power and strength. It’s not that we won’t feel scared, overwhelmed, angry, sad, embarrassed, confused, worried, or more—these feelings and many others are often a part of going through adverse times. However, remembering that “this, too, shall pass” will help us persevere in the midst of challenges, while reminding us that we can actually expand ourselves in the process.

One of the most painful yet growth-inducing experiences of my life was when I got my heart broken in my mid-20s. Sara and I met in college and started dating in our senior year. We were together for three and a half years, and had gotten pretty serious. Going through college graduation, the end of my baseball career, moving in together, the sudden death of her father, the start of our first jobs, a breakup and reconciliation two years into our relationship, and more had bonded us significantly.

In the fall of 1999, Sara decided she didn’t want to be with me anymore, and we split up abruptly. I was crushed. I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. I’d never experienced emotions like this before in my life. It was hard to eat, sleep, and even get out of bed in the morning. I felt lost and worried I would never find my way again. At one point when I was deep in the throes of my despair, I remember having a vision that I was a running back in a football game. This was an odd vision for me, since I’d never played football. However, I saw myself running with the ball toward the end zone. There were a bunch of guys trying to tackle me, but I was holding on to the ball with both hands, driving my legs as hard as I could, and doing everything possible not to let them bring me down. This vision felt like a sign to me—that the pain, confusion, and loneliness were there for a reason. Although it was difficult, I was strong enough to withstand it, and if I continued to persevere, I would be okay.

While it did take some time, a lot of forgiveness, support, and inner work, I moved through that painful experience and gained a great deal in the process. I learned how strong I was, gained a deeper awareness and empathy for the experience of loss and heartbreak, and came away with a greater understanding of what’s important to me in relationships and in life. Going through that heartache made me a better person and also helped get me ready to meet Michelle, which I’m eternally grateful for.

When we remember how strong we are, not only can it help us as we face challenges or adversity in the moment, it can give us much needed confidence and faith that we actually have what it takes to navigate this crazy and beautiful thing called life. As Glennon Melton, author of
Carry On, Warrior
and creator of one of my favorite blogs,
Momastery
, likes to say, “Life can be hard sometimes, but that’s okay, because we can do hard things.”

CHAPTER 12

Just Show Up

I gave my first paid motivational speech in March of 2001. The way it came about was somewhat serendipitous. The month before it happened, I attended my very first weekend workshop at the Coaches Training Institute (CTI) where I received my training as a professional coach. Prior to that first course, I got some new business cards printed up that said “Mike Robbins, Motivational Speaker.” While technically this wasn’t a lie since I had given motivational talks at a couple of high schools and Rotary Clubs, I hadn’t been paid to give a speech. I wasn’t what would be considered a “professional.” These business cards were designed to be an “act as if it’s already happening” type of thing for me. Since I didn’t think I would know anyone at this workshop, I decided to pass out my cards and introduce myself as a motivational speaker—just to see how it felt.

The workshop went well, I learned a lot, and I met a number of great people including a woman named Christine, who worked for Sutter Health, a pretty big health care company with dozens of hospitals and medical centers throughout Northern California. Her job was in training and development, and part of what she did was bring in outside speakers and trainers to work with their employees. Christine and I hit it off and we exchanged business cards. She seemed like she’d be a good contact to have; I decided I’d reach out to her once I got my speaking business off the ground. The day after the workshop, I sent her a quick note to say how nice it was to meet her. I figured I’d circle back around with her in six months or a year.

Less than two weeks later, I got a frantic phone call from Christine. “Hey, Mike, it’s Christine,” she said, in a rushed manner. “Oh good, I’m so glad I caught you live on the phone,” she continued. “I just got a call from the CEO at one of our large hospitals, Sutter Medical Center in Sacramento. He’s all freaked out because he has a day-long management meeting next Wednesday, and his speaker just canceled. I told him, don’t worry, I’ve got a great guy!” Christine then said, “So here’s the deal: I gave him your number and he’s going to call you in like twenty minutes, okay? Now, do me a favor and don’t tell him that I’ve never seen you speak, because I told him you were
awesome
.”

“Wow, Christine, thanks!” I said, not knowing exactly how to respond. I felt simultaneous joy and terror, not really sure which one came first—they were both there with lots of intensity. I wanted to say,
Thank you, but I’m totally not ready for this and am worried I’ll screw it up
, but I didn’t. I also wanted to come clean with her about my lack of experience, but I didn’t want to blow the opportunity. In the midst of my conflicting thoughts and feelings, I simply said nothing. Christine said, “I have to get back into the meeting I just stepped out of to call you. Let me know how it goes with the call—he’s a great guy, you’ll love him and he’ll love you.”

We got off the phone, and the feelings of joy and terror continued, but the terror seemed to be taking over as the joy faded quickly. My biggest concern was that the CEO would ask a fairly basic and appropriate question like “Who else have you spoken for?” I didn’t think my response of “Skyline High and the Mill Valley Rotary Club” was going to impress him very much. I figured once he found out I had almost no experience, there’s no way he’d hire me, and not only would I miss out on this opportunity, I might damage my credibility and relationship with Christine. As I waited for the phone to ring, I made a commitment to myself that I was not going to lie to this man. But, if he didn’t ask, I wasn’t going to say anything.

He called less than 20 minutes later, and he never asked about where I’d spoken. As it turned out, he was a big baseball fan, so he was quite impressed with my sports background. We talked about baseball and teamwork—and some of the connections between sports and leadership. At the end of the conversation, he invited me to come up to Sacramento to deliver a 90-minute speech on “the keys to creating a championship team” for the 200 people attending his day-long management meeting. And, he actually offered to pay me real money to do this. I was stunned but found the courage to say, “Yes, I look forward to meeting you and speaking to your group.” I got off the phone, let out an excited yell in my apartment, and then the feelings of terror hit me again, because, as you can imagine, I didn’t have a 90-minute speech on “the keys to creating a championship team” prepared. But, over the next six days, I came up with one.

I made the two-hour drive from San Francisco the following week for the event. I was scheduled to speak at the end of the day, from 3:30 to 5:00
P.M.
—probably not the most ideal time since people would likely be tired of sitting all day and ready to go home by then. I had turned 27 the month before, and when I walked into the room and looked around, I realized I was probably the youngest person there, which added to my already significant level of anxiety. By the time I got introduced to come up to speak, I was so nervous I could hardly even catch my breath. Have you ever felt so nervous that you were sure the people around you could actually hear your heart beating? That’s how I felt.

I don’t even remember what I said for the first ten minutes. It was like an out-of-body experience, and not the good kind. But soon enough, I started to calm down and have fun, and then things actually started to go pretty well. Toward the end of my presentation, I remember thinking,
I wonder if these people have any idea I’ve never done this before?
I was amazed that even in the midst of my fear and doubt, I actually felt pretty comfortable, confident, and natural up there. And, from the sounds of the applause and the positive comments afterward, it seemed like people resonated with me and my message, which felt great. It was definitely a peak experience for me, and I was proud of myself and grateful it had gone well.

As I was driving home still buzzing from the excitement of my speech, I asked myself a really simple but important question:
What did I just do that allowed that to work out so well, especially for my first time?
I came up with three answers to that question. First, I tried to just be myself, even as nervous as I was. Second, I tried to talk about things I know about and not pretend to know things I didn’t. And finally, I tried to connect with the audience in a personal way. That was it.

Thirteen years later with now close to 2,000 presentations under my belt, those three things still ring true.

Too often in life, we unnecessarily overcomplicate things. As Woody Allen famously said, “Eighty percent of life is just showing up.” I think he’s right and that’s true whether we’re giving a speech, going out on a first date, having an important meeting at work, playing with our kids, trying something new, working on a creative project, or doing just about anything in life—big or small.

We erroneously think that we have to be prepared or organized in order to do certain things that matter to us. And while there is value in preparation and organization, for sure, often our obsession with these things is based on our fears or simply our inability to see that we’re already prepared, even when we don’t think we are. The most important thing we can do is show up and be ourselves.