Nova 05 Ruin Me (13 page)

He remains quiet for a while, dragging his finger along the ring he wears. When he’d told me the story about where he got it, I wanted to cry. It’s the only present his mother ever gave him, and there was such sadness in his tone.

“What do you mean by it isn’t fair?” His voice is gentler than I expected it to be.

I shrug, letting my hands fall to my lap. “I don’t know. Most people our age don’t want that. I mean, I can’t go to parties all the time. I spend most of my nights either working the nightshift or making sure my mother doesn’t try to escape the house. My days are filled with laundry, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, and chasing roosters out of the house.”

“It sounds a lot like my sister’s life,” he says, his tone light. “Well, minus the rooster. Although, one time, Mason did bring home a hamster. We’re still not sure where he got it from.”

“Yeah, which kind of proves my point. I mean, I remember how excited you were when Avery got her new job and you were able to do more things. Being with me would take that away.”

“That’s not the same thing. Avery is my sister, and while I don’t mind helping her out, I kind of want my own life.”

“I know.” I finally dare to meet his gaze then instantly regret it. His eyes are so intense, so overwhelming, so compassionate. Not at all what I was expecting. “Being with me… you wouldn’t have that.” My eyes start to burn as I say similar words Mack uttered to me. “I’d ruin your life.”

“Why? Because you have to take care of your mom? You have to work? Be responsible? That’s called life, Clara.” He cups my face between his hands. “And yeah, yours is a little more complicated than others but so what. That doesn’t make me want to be with you any less.”

“But you said that’s why you left here… because you didn’t want a complicated life.”

“You misunderstood me.” He pauses, searching for the right words. “All my life, complications have been forced on me. I was born into a world where I had to grow up fast. When I finally escaped that life, I had to live with my sister. While I love Mason, I kind of felt obligated to help her because she helped take care of me. This thing between us… whatever you want it to be… I’m
choosing
it. Choosing to make my life complicated because I think it’s worth it.”

Tears drip from my eyes. “You want to choose it? After what I just told you?”

He swipes the pad of his thumb across my cheeks, erasing the tears. “Who on earth wouldn’t choose you?”

“A lot of guys.” I suck back the tears but more continue to cascade down my cheeks. “My boyfriend, the one I had when the accident happened, said he couldn’t handle it, that my life was too complicated for him. That I’d ruin his life if I stayed with him.”

“He said that to you?” Jax asks, and I nod. “What a fucking asshole.” He grinds his teeth. “I can’t believe he said that to you. I want to hit him.”

“He was just being honest. And it was better for him to bail out early than leave later on.” I dab my eyes with the bottom of my shirt.

He studies me closely then relaxes, as if suddenly something is making sense. “I want to be part of your complicated life, just as long as you want me to be.” He says it so simply, so matter-of-factly.

“Jax, you don’t get it. Things are really hard—”

He covers his hand over my mouth. “I understand you have a lot of stuff going on, but I hope you’ll make room for me. Because I don’t want this,” he removes his hand and gestures between us, “to end. I’m happy. You make me happy even when I’m back here, which may not seem like a whole lot, but it’s a really huge deal.”

“I don’t know what to say.” I expected him to flip out and now that he hasn’t, I don’t know what to do with myself.

“Don’t say anything right now. Just think about it for a while.” He slides back toward the headboard and stretches his legs out. “Go take a shower and I’ll go get the snacks. I think I’ll try to find a little more information on Marcus, but if we haven’t found any information by Saturday morning, we’re going to have to take off. We need to have time for you to go up to the Tetons on our way home.”

“We don’t have to do that if there’s not time.” I scoot to the edge of the bed and lower my feet onto the floor. “We should spend all the time we need looking for your mom. That’s what the trip is for.”

“Just stop. We’re going to scatter your father’s ashes and you’re going to get to say your goodbye. I’ll even hold your hand the entire time.”

“Wow, I feel so honored.” I manage to crack a small joke.

“There’s my girl,” he says with pride.

My heart leaps in my chest. After telling him what I just did, I’m surprised it can still beat at all. After Mack, it broke, but somehow, Jax has made it feel more whole.

Jax

We spend most of the next day asking about my mother and Marcus around town. The problem is most of the people who know them aren’t the most reliable sources.

“I feel like I’m on crackhead/prostitute overload.” A shiver courses through Clara’s body as we sit in the car, eating ice cream and taking a much needed break from our search.

“I completely agree.” I suck the vanilla ice cream off the spoon, noting from my peripheral vision that Clara is observing my every movement.

“Want to tell me what’s on your mind?” I ask, scooping up another spoonful of vanilla goodness.

She shrugs with her eyes still glued on me. “I was just thinking… about us.”

“How did you go from talking about crackheads and prostitutes to us?”

“I don’t know. I think I’ve been thinking about us the entire day. My head’s only really been half into finding your mom.”

“I wish mine was.” I set down the cup of ice cream and lay my arm on the back of her seat. “So, what exactly are you thinking about?”

She shrugs, stuffing her mouth with a bite of chocolate ice cream. “I was just wondering how things were going to go when we got back home.”

I tangle my fingers through her hair and try not to smile when she doesn’t pull away. After she opened up to me last night, she seems to be a bit more affectionate. “That’s really up to you. I’ve always been pretty clear on what I want.”

“But you still want that?” She seems so positive I’ve somehow changed my mind about wanting her, just because she told me about her family.

I still can’t believe she was so worried over telling me about her mother. That she thought I’d leave her like her ex-boyfriend did. Seriously, what a fucking asshole. Clearly, he’s never experienced the pain of life before.

“Of course I do.” I resist an eye roll at her silliness. “I should probably tell you something, though. Something you might freak out over.”

She stirs her ice cream with the spoon, growing anxious. “Okay.”

I cross my fingers she doesn’t freak out, but I feel like I need to tell her.

“I’m going to be living really close to you soon,” I divulge then hold my breath and wait for her response.

“How close?”

“Right next door close.”

Her brows dip. “You mean…”

“I mean, I rented a place in your apartment complex. The place right next door to yours, actually.”

Her lips part but no sound comes out. She shovels up a spoonful of ice cream and stuffs it into her mouth.

“Are you okay?” I slip my fingers from her hair to the back of her neck and trace circles on her skin.

“I’m fine. I just… you’ve looked at the place, right? I mean, they’re not nice apartments.”

“You’ve seen where I grew up, right?” I remind her. “And yes, I have looked at the places. They look fine to me. Cheap but livable. And affordable, which is the best part.”

“And right next to where I live.” She doesn’t sound as upset as I expected her to be.

“Another added bonus.”

She absentmindedly stirs her ice cream. “When do you move in?”

“A few weeks after we get back.” I move my hand away from her neck to pick up my ice cream cup. “Are you going to be okay with that?”

She shrugs, licking a drop of ice cream off the spoon. “What would you do if I said I wasn’t?” She locks gazes with me. “Would you not move there?”

I feel like I’m walking into a trap. “I don’t know… probably not. There’s no place else I can afford, and I’m really ready to move out of Avery’s.”

She considers what I’ve said. “Well, if you need to live there then you need to live there.”

“So, you’re okay with me being so close?”

“I’m sure having you so close will have some perks.”

“Are you being dirty right now?” I question.

“Maybe,” she replies vaguely.

I smile and relax, feeling a weight lift off my chest. But the pressure builds right back up when I spot one of my mother’s old friends, Melinda, ducking behind the ice cream shop.

“Wait here. I see someone my mom knows,” I tell Clara then scramble out of the car and chase after Melinda.

I hurry around the back of the building and find her leaning against the back door, smoking a joint right out in the open.

“Hey, baby.” She grins when she sees me then adjusts her boobs in her neon pink top. “You looking for a good time?”

“Melinda, it’s me, Jax.” When she doesn’t seem to recognize me I add, “Jax Hensley.”

“Jax.” She smiles genuinely this time as she stands up straight. “Holy shit. How the hell have you been?”

“Good.” I hold my breath as she moves in for a hug and only breathe again when she steps away.

“What have you been up to?” She pinches the joint between her fingers. “I heard you moved to North Carolina or some shit.”

“Yeah, I’m going to school. So’s Avery.”

“Good. It’s so good you two got out.” She glances at the street at a group of people I’m fairly certain are dealing drugs. “Not a lot of people do.”

“Yeah, I know.” I scratch at the back of my neck. “Look, have you by chance seen my mom around? I’ve been meaning to talk to her.”

She suddenly grows twitchy, scratching her scabbed arms and biting on her dry lips. “Oh honey, I don’t think so… Is that why you’re here? Are you looking for her?” I nod, and she shakes her head. “Do yourself a favor and go home.”

“I can’t until I find her. The last I heard, she was working for this Marcus guy.”

“Go home, Jax.” She backs toward the group on the corner of the street. “You’ll regret it if you don’t.”

I’m not sure if it’s a threat or not, but I’m annoyed because I’m pretty certain she probably knows where my mother is and isn’t telling me.

By the time I climb back in the car, I’m stewing in irritation. Another dead end. Another person who doesn’t want to tell me anything.

“I’m guessing that didn’t go very well,” Clara says when she catches a glimpse of my face.

I shake my head and rev up the engine. “Nope. This place is driving me crazy.”

“You look like maybe you could use a nap.” Clara collects a napkin from the glove box and cleans the sticky ice cream off her fingers. “You even have dark circles under your eyes.” She balls the napkin up and stuffs it in the cup holder.

“Is that your not so subtle way of telling me I look like shit?” I twist around in the seat to look out the rear window while I back out of the parking space.

“No, that was my unsubtle way of saying maybe we should go back to the motel and get some rest. It’s been a long day.” She checks her messages on her phone, something I’ve noticed she does a lot. Maybe because she worries about her mother.

I tap on the brakes and shift into first gear. “It’s only five o’clock, though. We still have a lot of daylight left.”

“How about this.” She tugs an elastic band out of her hair and runs her finger through the braid. “We go back for like an hour and take a nap? Then we can come back out. The sun will still be up.” She peers up at the crystal blue sky. “The sun stays up freakishly late here.”

“Only in the summer.” The tires skid as I pull out onto the street. “In the winter, it seems dark twenty-four-seven—” My foot slams down on the brakes as a man skitters out into the road. “Holy fucking shit.” I breathe with wide eyes as we miss hitting him by an inch.

The man is dressed in rags, his shoes have holes in the soles, and his overly long beard and hair are matted with dirt and God knows what else.

Instead of hurrying out of the street, he rounds to the driver side of the Jeep and raps on the window. “Hey, can you spare some change? I’m in a real bad place, man, and I’d greatly appreciate it.”

A beat skips by as I slowly realize who the man hidden underneath the beard and baggy clothes is.

“Lester?” My hands stiffen on the wheel at the sight of the man who was one of the main causes for me moving to North Carolina. He was my mother’s husband at the time. He’d tried to beat my mother one night for no reason other than he was trippin’ balls. When I’d stepped in, he’d come at me swinging, and I’d swung back.

“Who’s Lester?” Clara hisses under her breath. “That name sounds familiar.”

“The man I got into the fight with… the one I told you about.”

Her lips form an
O
. “Maybe we should just go.”

We probably should, but Lester did a lot of messed up shit to me when I was younger and I couldn’t defend myself. Seeing him now, at such a low point in his life, I want to witness his suffering for a little longer. That might make me a really shitty person, but I can’t help how I feel. The man caused me a lot of pain, broken bones, bruises. He had this thing with beating me with a belt too, which not only hurt but was humiliating since I was fifteen years old. He also mentally fucked me up, always telling me what a useless piece of shit I was.

Lester tilts his head to the side as he studies me through the glass. "Jax Hensley?” He lets out a nervous laugh, itching at the backs of his hands. “I thought you moved or some shit.”

“I did,” I reply tightly. “I’m just looking for my mother. Have you seen her?" I hate asking him—hate him—but he might know where she is.

His eyelids lower as he stares at me. “That all depends.”

I resist an eye roll. “How much do you want?”

He leans up to the window and fogs up the glass with his breathing. “How much you got?”

“Not a lot.”

“How about fifty bucks.”

I shake my head. “Twenty.”

“Twenty-five.” He makes a grabby hand. “Yeah, twenty-five will get me a lot.”

I remove my wallet from my pocket and grab twenty-five dollars.

“Are you sure you want to do that?” Clara whispers so Lester won’t hear her. “He doesn’t look very reliable.”

“Yeah, but the two of them hang out with the same crowd so he could know where she is.” I roll the window down, and the stench of garbage mixed with smoke and booze whisks inside the cab. I’m fairly positive he is the culprit of the stench.

“Thanks, Jax.” He steals the money from my hands, his bloodshot eyes lighting up like a kid opening presents on Christmas morning.

“Tell me what you know, or I’ll take it back,” I warn, pulling the emergency brake.

He stuffs the cash into the pocket of his oversized coat then glances up and down the road before shuffling closer. “The last I heard, she was with that Marcus guy everyone’s been talking about.”

“Yeah, so I’ve heard.”

He lowers his voice. “He’s not someone you want to piss off, you know.”

“And my mother pissed him off.”

His shifty gaze darts to a car driving by in the lane next to us. “You know how your mother gets. She’s always thinking about herself. That kind of attitude is what gets people into trouble with big shots like Marcus.” He rests his arms on the windowsill and leans in. “He even has his own bodyguards and everything.”

I trap my breath in my lungs as the stench of him stings my nostrils. “Do you know where I can find this Marcus?”

“If I did, I wouldn’t tell you,” he says. “You don’t want to mess around with him.”

“Let’s not stand here and pretend you actually give as shit about me.” I flex my fingers as my jaw ticks. “How much more do you want?”

His eyes drift to the sky as he considers it. “Fifteen.”

“Ten.”

“Twelve.”

Shaking my head, I snatch a ten and two ones from my wallet, and chuck the money at him. “Now where can I find this Marcus?” I ask Lester as he scrambles to collect the money as it gets blown away by the wind.