Now or Never (15 page)

Chapter Twenty-five

Jay

Jay slid behind the wheel, slamming the door with a bit more force than necessary. He’d done it again. Snapped at Em when she was the last person in the world to deserve it. Pulling from the lot, he quietly fumed his congratulations to himself for being a grade-A asshole. He’d accomplished what he’d wanted, though. He’d pushed her away. Maybe for good this time. She hadn’t spoken to him—or even looked at him—since their argument, and then she’d left without so much as a wave. Congratu-fucking-lations, asshole.

But, then . . . what the hell was she doing sitting on his front porch?

Jay extricated himself from the truck slowly, terrified of how this was going to go. Part of him hoped and prayed that she was there to demand to be let inside and allowed to stay forever, but that was the selfish part of him. The other part was flat out horrified that this was it. She was here to collect the rest of her stuff and he’d never see her again. That part was selfish, too.

“What are you doing here?”

“We need to talk.” So, it was option two, then. Jay’s heart sank. He took a deep breath to prepare himself for what was about to come as he unlocked the door and let Em in.

He eased off his shoes and dropped his keys on the corner table. By the time he steeled himself to face her, she’d disappeared into t
he kitchen. Jay followed and found her rooting through the cabinets.

“What are you looking for?”

“The food, Jay. Where’s all of your food?”

“Em—”

“These are all empty.”

“Em—”

“What have you been eating?”

“Em—”

“And why is it so goddamn cold in here?” Her breath puffed in front of her face and she rubbed her arms.

“Em!” She froze and stared back at him. “There is no food. Okay? And it so cold because there’s no heat, either. No cable. No fucking electric. Nothing, dammit!”

“Why?” She didn’t sound frightened or upset by his outburst. On the contrary, she glared back at him with anger in her eyes. “Jay, you’ve been pulling double and triple shifts at work. Where’s all that money going?”

He didn’t answer.
Couldn’t
answer.

“Jay.” She eased toward him slowly until she was standing directly in front of him. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to look at her until two small hands framed his face, tilting it gently to hers. Their eyes collided and he couldn’t look away. “No lies, Jay. No secrets. Please.” Her fingers brushed some of his hair from his forehead. “Tell me what’s going on. Talk to me.”

Her beautifully sincere eyes burned into him and another selfish part of him won out. The stressed, exhausted, frightened part that wanted nothing more than to be in her arms. He collapsed into a chair, bringing Em along with him. She settled into the chair beside him, her eyes never leaving his.

“After you left, he came back.”

“Who?”

“My father.”

The slight hitch in her breath was Em’s only reaction as she patiently waited for him to continue.

“He wanted the money. He . . . Christ, Em, he started threatening you and I—I won’t let you get dragged into this shit. I
won’t
let him hurt you.”

“He’s the one that sent me that article, isn’t he?”

“I told him I’d get him the money. Pay him in installments as long as he stayed the hell away from you.”

“Jay . . .”

“No, Em.” He let his head drop to the curved back of the seat and stared up at the cracked and peeling paint on the ceiling. “I’ll handle this.”

“You don’t have to handle it alone.”

“Yes, I do.” He jerked upright again to look at her. “This is my mess, Em. I’ll clean it up.”

“You cleaned up my mess, Jay. When I was . . . When
he
. . .” She couldn’t even bring herself to say it. “You saved me. Over and over again, you saved me. If it weren’t for you . . .”

Em swallowed hard as tears pricked her eyes. She looked so sad, so helpless. What the hell was he thinking laying this shit on her?

“I can handle it, Em.”

“I’m sure you can. You’re so strong, Jay. You always have been. But I’m not as weak as I used to be. I’m n
ot that same scared little girl anymore. Please. Let me help you.”

“Baby.” Jay dropped to his knees beside her chair and took her face in his hands. “You were never weak. I never believed that about you for a single second. And I know you can handle this. You can handle anything life throws at you. You’ve already proven that. But, dammit, Em . . .
If anything were to happen to you . . .” he pulled her face forward until her forehead rested against his, “because of me . . . Baby, please understand. You are the only thing I’ve ever done right in my entire life. The only thing I haven’t failed at, but if something happens to you . . . If I can’t keep the one good thing in my life safe, then what good am I?”

“What about you? Who keeps you safe, Jay? What happened to this being a team effort?”
She looked at him as though he were breaking her heart, but she had no idea that she was cracking his wide open with every word she spoke.

“Not this time. I’m sorry, Em, but not when it comes to my father. I need to know I can protect yo
u. That I’m . . . good for you.” Jay took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. “That day, when you first told me about your uncle, what he did to you . . . You were sitting there in that rat infested alley, in pain on the inside and out, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. I had to sit there watching you hurt, watching you fall apart . . . I’ve never felt so powerless in all of my life and I don’t ever want to feel that way again. It’s not fair what I’m asking. I
know
how hard walking away will be for you, but I’m asking you to anyway. I love you so much, Em.
Please
. Please don’t take away my right to keep the one I love safe. Not now. Not when there’s something I
can
do.”

“I love you, too.” Tears streamed relentlessly down
her cheeks, drowning him in pain, and for one defenseless moment, he gave in.

Her soft skin tasted salty
as he pressed kiss after kiss—working his way down her cheeks—erasing her tears, banishing them, wishing nothing more than that he could wipe away the pain in her eyes as easily. He didn’t even hesitate when he reached her lips. Didn’t think. Didn’t analyze. He simply reacted, surrendered to the magnetism that drew them together simultaneously to meet somewhere in the middle. So sweet. She always tasted so sweet. Like frosting.

When her lips parted, he dove inside, knowing he’d regret it later, but refusing to ruin the moment as it unfolded. Her tongue stroked his with a hunger that equaled his own and his hands found their way into her silky hair. Christ, she felt so good. This felt so good. So damn right. But it wasn’t. It wrong.

He was being unfair to the point of cruelty, pushing her away and then pulling her close again like the rope in the tug-of-war battle between his heart and his mind. Shame engulfed him as his head screamed to let her go, get her as far away from him as possible. But his heart refused to regret his actions, wanting nothing more than to have her close. Every moment spent in her presence was the most bitter-sweet kind of torture. He wondered if she felt the same. He couldn’t keep putting her—putting both of them—through that.

With a physical effort that bordered on extreme, Jay pulled back. Pressing his forehead to hers, he
struggled to calm his raging need while he waited for Em to open her eyes and look at him. She took her time, lingering in the moment, and that was fine with Jay. He would have greedily lingered there, soaking her in, for as long as she allowed.

When her eyelids fluttered open, the beautiful blue orbs underneath were filled with a heavy sadness. She knew. She knew the kiss hadn’t meant he was giving in to her. They both knew it meant the exact opposite.

“I know, baby.” Jay’s lips whispered over her smooth skin. “I know you love me. That’s why you’ll do this for me. Just go. Go back to Ashlyn’s. Let me deal with this. When it’s over, if you still want to, we’ll talk, I promise. Just not right now. Not until I know you’re okay.”

She needed to be the one to walk away—to free herself from the bullshit—because he just wasn’t strong enough to do it, anymore.

Jay knew he’d won when Em buried her face in his shoulder and he held her close as her entire body shook with the force of her sobs, but at what cost?

Chapter Twenty-six

Em

She had no warning. One minute they were talking—tearing her world apart one word at a time—and the next, they were kissing. Jay’s mouth crashed over hers, moving with such ferocity that it stole her breath away and every thought in her head—all of her fears and arguments—just evaporated. How could she not give him what he needed? She couldn’t. She couldn’t deny him anything. Even at the expense of her heart.

Jay’s hand slid up her spine, tangling in her hair at the back of her head. With a gentle tug, he positioned her to take the kiss deeper. His
tongue actively explored her mouth as though he’d forgotten the lay of the land and was starving to reacquaint himself. Drinking her in. Devouring her. She gave it to him. Everything. All of her. Surrendering to him completely.

Doing even a fraction of that with Mason scared the ever living daylights out of her. But here she was with Jay, fearing nothing more than that it would end. That had to mean something. He had to see that that meant something. It meant
everything
.

But it didn’t matter. This wasn’t about her anymore. This was about Jay and his skeletons. The ones he was trying to beat back into the closet. And he didn’t want her to be a part of that battle.

At least she managed to convince him to take some of the cash she had on her before she left. It wasn’t much and, in the end, he’d only caved when she promised to stay away from the house for a while—away from him. Even then, she could only get him to take half, but she knew what to do with the rest of it.

Em had barely pulled out of the drive when she whipped out her fancy new cell phone. It took a little hunting, limited by the time she
spent stopped at red lights, but eventually she found the number to the heating company. And, by the time she parked at the curb next to Ashlyn’s house, she had a guarantee the heat would be back on no later than the next day.

“How did it go?” Ashlyn poked her head out of the kitchen as Em shut the door behind her.

Em tossed her the keys with a shake of her head.

“That good, huh?”

“Yeah. I’m gonna go lie down for a while.” She could feel Ash’s eyes burning holes in her back all the way down the hall, but she didn’t say anything more.

Collapsing on the bed, she curled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them in a protective ball.
Em wanted to be strong for Jay. Show him that she was strong enough to be what he needed. But what had she done? Run? Hidden? All that made her feel was weak. She wanted to do the right thing, but, not for the first time in her life, Em didn’t know what that was.

***

He stood before her. Jay. In all his shirtless glory. For a moment she wondered why he wasn’t wearing a shirt, if he was cold. But she didn’t feel cold. She didn’t feel much besides the heat pooling in her belly as her gaze traveled hungrily over his solid abs, sharp hips, wide shoulders. Up, up, up to his face. Strong jaw, soft, barely parted lips, slightly crooked nose. She drank in the sight of him, memorizing each feature as though it might be the last time she’d lay eyes on them. Everything was perfect . . . until she reached his eyes.

They were dark, darker than she could ever remember seeing them. And cold. Dead cold. Gazing off into the distance
, he looked lost. Not inside his own thoughts. Just lost. Gone.

“Jay?” He didn’t respond. Not a single muscle twitched as she ran her hands up his hard chest
, over his pale skin. That too was cold. “Baby?”

Without a word, he turned and strode away from her.

“Jay!” Desperate to follow him, Em became aware for the first time that she was unable to move, trapped behind an invisible wall that separated them. Kept her from him. “Jay, wait!”

Harsh, rugged scars shone nearly iridescent
on his skin in the fading light. Pounding against the glass wall, Em watched helplessly as one by one they split open, spilling crimson red blood down his retreating back.

“Jay! Please, Jay! Come back!”

The darkness that lay ahead of him seemed to open its gaping jaws and swallow Jay whole as she watched. Snuffing him from her vision. Her life.

“No!” Slamming her stinging palms against the barrier, Em sank to her knees. “Jay! Jay! Jay.”

Em woke soaked in sweat, gasping for air with his name still on her lips. Rolling away from the damp, suffocating pillowcase, she blinked the room into focus. The sun pouring through the sheer curtains was bright. Too bright for having to be at Bart’s for the opening shift. She twisted her head toward the clock on the nightstand and her eyes nearly popped out of the sockets. Ten-forty? Holy crap, her shift was more than half over.

Grabbing the first pair of pants and shirt she laid her hands on, Em flew across the hall
and burst into the bathroom without bothering to knock. Ashlyn was on her knees, curled over the toilet bowl, but Em’s sudden appearance landed her flat on her ass.

“Whoa.”

“Sorry. So sorry, Ash. Are you okay?”

“Fine.” Ashlyn got to her feet, flushing the toilet in the process and turned on the sink. “Where’s the fire?”

“I’m so late for work. I have to—”

“No
, you’re not.” Ash snapped off the faucet and snagged the towel off the wall.

“What? I was supposed to be there—”

“I know. I heard your alarm go off.”

“Really? I didn’t.” Em hugged the clothes to her chest and shifted toward the shower, hoping Ash would take the hint. She didn’t.

“
I shut it off for you.”

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

After rehanging the hand towel, Ashlyn folded her arms and adopted her I-mean-business-face. “Em. You’re exhausted. Emotionally and physically. You need a break.”

“I need to work.
I need the money.” Even if Jay refused to take another cent, she had her own expenses to cover, and she’d just spent her entire paycheck.

“Don’t worry about it. My parents pay the rent on this place
, and I make more than enough to keep us both drowning in ice cream and chick flicks for as long as it takes. I called Bart this morning, told him you were taking a few mental health days.”

It was a fact, kindness could break a heart just as effectively as pain.

“Ash . . .”

“Don’t start. And you are not getting in that
shower before me.
I
do have to work because if I lose this job my dad will totally kill me. I still owe him for the repairs on Harrison.”

Em eyed the toilet
, cautiously. “Are you sure you should be working today?”

“It’s just
a mild case of food poisoning. I have a sensitive stomach. Not contagious and I’m already starting to feel better, so no worries.” Ashlyn shooed Em from the bathroom and shut the door.

Heading back into her room, she dumped the haphazard outfit she’d collected on top of the dresser and crawled back into bed.
It was nearly lunch time and she still felt completely drained. Maybe a mental health day was just what she needed. Or two. Or
twenty
.

Despite how exhausted she felt,
though, dread kept her from falling back to sleep. Images of Jay—vacant and bleeding—were permanently seared into her brain. Fear eclipsed every other emotion vying for the spotlight. She couldn’t lose him. Not like that. But what could she do? Give him a little money for food? Pay the heating bill? She’d done everything she could. That just left everything she couldn’t.

She
couldn’t
make his father go away. She
couldn’t
make him see what she saw in him. Make him understand how much she needed him. How he was nothing like that monster at all. That the only time she ever felt safe was with him
.
She
couldn’t
make him feel safe, though.
Couldn’t
protect him the way he protected her. She
couldn’t
even be there for him when he needed her.

Em’s eyes roamed the
ceiling above her, searching for flaws. Cracks in the smooth white surface like the ones that ran through her. She didn’t find any. That little voice found her, though. It was always with her. Haunting her thoughts. Dancing around her mind, taunting her, berating her, condemning her. Making sure she knew exactly where each and every one of her cracks laid.

You’re useless.

A coward.

Why would anyone ever want you?

You’re no good to anyone.

You can’t even take care of yourself, how do you expect to take care of someone else?

More trouble than your worth.

Pathetic.

Worthless.

Damaged.

Broken.