o bff12aa477590112 (7 page)

So I quickly say, “No, wait. I’ll come over Wednesday. You can coach me on the math.”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Maggie replies.

“It’s OK. I want to.”

“Uh-huh. See you then.”

* * *

Tuesday, 6/8

Homeroom

Leavitt’s in a bad mood. We’re supposed to be studying. Don’t want him to catch me. Will make this fast.

Bad dreams last night. Again. Woke up at 3 A.M. and couldn’t go back to sleep. The scene outside the theater again — only the girls have changed. They’re Maggie and Sunny and Dawn and Cece and marina [sic].

I try to run away, but I’m pushed back from the other side — by my dear sister, Isabel. She’s telling me I shouldn’t dare run away. I should face up to them.

I’m up shaking until breakfast.

When I finally stagger downstairs for breakfast, Isabel

English

Sorry about that.

Leavitt trouble.

I’m innocently writing and Mr. Leavitt turns around and says, “Writing fan mail to Short Hills?”

He calls Brendan “Short Hills” because that’s his hometown (and because that’s the kind of guy Mr. Leavitt is).

Ignore him. Back to Isabel. This morning.

Number 1. She knows I have insomnia.

Number 2. She knows I’ve been having nightmares.

Number 3. She can tell by my face that it’s been a hard night.

So what does she do? (a) Offer to make me breakfast and give me a shoulder rub? (b) Sit me down and say with a smile, “Do you want to talk about it?” or (c) Shake her head and say, “Just remember, they’re laughing right now. They’re waking up all fresh and happy, and they’re saying, ‘What other Latina can we spit on today?’ You can still call the police, you know. It’ll make you feel better.”

(c), of course.

I cannot even answer.

I turn, go back to my room, get dressed, and leave for school. I don’t even say good morning to Mami and Papi.

I’m still furious.

And I’m starving.

Study hall

Where am I, Nbook?

Did I take a wrong turn and end up in some parallel dimension where everyone looks exactly like the people I know but with defective personalities?

I mean, Isabel the Witch Sister is bad enough. But now it’s the un-Brendan.

Four days ago he’s fun and comfortable and funny. Just about perfect.

Ever since Friday night — when I needed him the most — he’s a pod person. This is his range of reactions to me:

I say hi and he gives me this funny look. I walk to classes with him and he hardly says a word.

I think he’s still my friend. He doesn’t run away or yell at me. He doesn’t seem mad. But what is he thinking? Is he still feeling bad about Friday night? Does he hate me?

What did I do?

After school

Waiting for Isabel …

Am I nuts? Why do I obsess about him? I’M the one I should be obsessing about.

Besides, what’s the point of getting involved with someone who’s about to leave for the whole summer?

A Word from Your Sponsor

Planning a surprise party? Want the world to know about it? Call 1-800-

DUCKYISANIDIOT!!!!

Yours foolishly,

Ducky McCrae

Sorry about that, Nbook. Don’t worry, we’re alone again. Isabel’s late.

First, an explanation for above:

Roll the time back, to sixth period today. Ducky’s late for gym (as usual, gossiping with Dawn and Sunny too long). He races through the hallway, but some Cro Mag knocks him down accidentally-on-purpose. His books spill all over the place.

Sunny and Dawn rush over to help.

Anyway, they both corner me right after science and tell me what happened. I tell them they should go ahead and have the cruise anyway.

I tell them no, not yet. We say good-bye.

But here’s the weird thing, Nbook. Here’s the thing that makes me think I am seriously disturbed.

As I’m leaving, I’m starting to cry.

I’m feeling jealous.

Maybe it’s just my weird frame of mind. Maybe it’s because my relationships are falling apart all around me. Maybe it’s because those two make such a cute couple.

I mean, they’re perfect together.

SUNNY

DUCKY

tough

good-natured

insecure

level-headed

nice underneath it all

nice above all

fun to be with

fun to be with

dealing with mom’s death

dealing with Alex’s suicide attempt

OK, so what? Why feel jealous?

Because they have what it takes, Nbook. Not Brendan and me.

Because I’m thinking, maybe he finally woke up and saw how different we are.

If you know what I mean …

Oh, god. Listen to me.

WHERE IS ISABEL?

In the car now. Going home. How was shopping?

Can.

Barely.

Hold.

My.

Pen.

Wednesday, 6/9

Lunch

Foul mood.

Nothing good to say.

Nothing to say at all.

6:11 P.M.

MAGGIE BLUME IS HISTORY.

I give her the benefit of the doubt. I help her. I take her seriously through all her problems.

What does she do for me? Who does she think I am?

Chill, Amalia. Slow down.

OK, Nbook, you want to know what happened? Here’s what happened.

We’re in Maggie’s room, studying. The Great and Powerful Hayden Blume is actually home.

Well, sort of. His ear is grafted to a cell phone, so he’s running around the house, giving orders to people who aren’t there.

Next thing you know, he’s knocking on Maggie’s door.

He peeks in. Just wants to say hi. And then …

Those are just about the last words we say to each other, Nbook. And as far as I’m con 9:31 P.M.

Oh, Nbook.

My head is reeling.

I think I am losing it.

Maybe I did lose it already.

First of all, about the last entry — it was Isabel who rudely interrupted us …

What she went through?

She never went through anything, I’m thinking.

At least she never told me.

So I ask her what’s the matter.

“Remember my birthday party last year in San Diego?” she says.

How can I forget? She and her friends went out to a dance — and when she came home she wouldn’t talk to us. She went right to her room and slammed the door.

I thought she was just being snotty. Or she was upset about leaving her boyfriend, Greg, to move here.

It’s more than that.