October Breezes (25 page)

“It’s not her fault,” I said again. The tears burned my eyes and blurred my vision. “It’s mine.”

Warren set his hand on my shoulder and forced me to face him. “What’s your fault, Skye? What did you do that was so bad you wanted to die?”

I looked at my flat stomach. My fingers absently ran across it. “I kiled a baby.”

Warren brushed my cheek. “You’re sixteen, Skye. You made a bad choice and went to a party. Tyler Rutherford spiked your drink and raped you. Then you realized you were alone and pregnant. You tried to fix it because you were scared . You thought your mom would send you to live with your dad. The only bad choice you made was going to the party. How is the rest your fault?”

I chewed my lip, stil staring at my stomach. “How did you know?”

“After you almost kiled yourself, two witnesses told the police the truth you were too ashamed to tel.”

I drew the blanket higher. "Who were the witnesses?"

"Kelin and Jimmy Sorenson." He squeezed my hand.

"Kelin came forward?" I asked, swalowing hard.

"Yeah. He saw the bruises, and he said you'd told him the truth." He stood, heading to the door. "I'l be right back."

My heart franticaly pounded, and I felt afraid to be alone.

The last time I’d been alone, the pain had been so bad I thought not breathing was a great idea. “Please don’t leave.”

Warren stopped and slowly turned back. “I’m not leaving, Skye. I know you think this is your fault. You believe I’m walking out because of what you did, and you think I won’t be back. You want to believe you're unloveable because that would make what your father did logical. That would help you make sense of what Tyler did to you. But I'm proof that's not the case because I love you like the daughter I never had but I always wanted.” He leaned over and kissed my forehead. “I’m going to get your mom so we can talk as a family about how to help you get past this.” He headed to the door again, and before he walked out, he pointed at me.

“And you’d better not go anywhere.”

The world seemed so quiet once he’d gone and I tried not to think about the last day at school. I looked at my hands, half-expecting them to stil be bloody, but they were clean. The clock ticked away the minutes.

The door slowly opened, admitting Devin, a worried frown on his face. “Warren said you finaly woke up.”

My whole body stiffened, and I saw myself through his eyes--he loathed me. “Yeah,” I said.

He stepped toward the bed. “Skye—“

“Please don’t look at me, Devin.” I clenched the blankets, wishing the bed would swalow me. “Don’t look at me.” I started rocking slightly, feeling pressure build in my chest. "Please God, don't look at me!"

“Skye?” He stepped back. As he backed up, he stumbled over the roling table, knocking an empty plastic pitcher to the floor.

“What is it?”

“Just go. Please go.” I kept rocking back and forth as Devin picked up the pitcher and slipped out. For a few seconds, he watched me from the door. One hand raked through his hair. Then he left. Stil I rocked, darkness building in my stomach where a baby had once been.

A few moments later, Mom ran into the room and enveloped me in her arms. Grief exploded inside me, and I clung to her. Her fingers brushed through my hair, stroking me.

“It’s going to be al right, Skye.”

“No,” I cried. “It’s never going to okay again. Never.”

Mom held me tightly, and we both cried, and when the tears had finaly spent themselves, she slowly released me and I lay against the bed.

“You scared me, Skye,” she finaly managed, wiping a tissue across her face. “I guess what I don’t understand is why? I know about what happened at the party and the abortion, but why didn’t you come to me? Why?”

I toyed with the blanket, wrapping it around one of my fingers. “I was scared you would send me to Dad’s.”

“That was an empty threat.” She rested her hand on my knee and shook her head. “I couldn’t send you away, honey.” Her voice trembled, and she kept dabbing her face. “I’m not sure how I’m going to make it when you leave for colege.”

I shook my head. “I don’t even know that I’m going to colege.”

“I think you wil. You don’t know it yet, but you’ve got a wonderful life ahead, Skye, filed with people who love you. Devin’s been trying—“

I raised my hand. “I don’t want to see Devin, Mom. I can’t face him. Not after this.”

She squeezed my knee. “Give it time, Skye.” She looked at the window and shook her head. “I wanted to tel you that I’m sorry.”

I frowned, taken back. “For what, Mom? I screwed up.”

“We both did.” She brushed the hair from my face. “I know there for a while I was so worried about dating, and I didn’t listen to you, even when I knew you were right about some of the guys I went out with.”

Shaking my head, I took her hand. “I was just mad at the world, Mom. It wouldn’t have mattered who you were dating. I mean, look at Warren. He’s a great guy, and I almost drove him away.”

“You’re right,” she admitted, looking out into the halway at Warren, who stood, looking at a buletin board hanging on the wal.

“Warren is an amazing man. But there were others before him who weren’t so wonderful, and I should have listened to you. I should have paid more attention to how you felt.”

I, too, looked at Warren. “So how is he doing with al of this? He seems so calm, and I feel like I’ve done so many things to make him want to leave, but he’s stil here.”

Smiling, Mom touched my face and forced me to look her in the eye. “Yeah, you scared the hel out of him. But he’s not leaving, Skye. He loves you as if you were his own daughter.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “I don’t deserve that.”

Leaning over, Mom kissed me. “Love isn’t about what we deserve, Skye. It’s a gift. It’s the best thing we can give each other.”

On the way home from the hospital, I leaned back in the seat as Warren drove. His hand drifted atop my mom’s, squeezing reassuringly. As I stared out the window, I realized my life had changed so much—I had changed so much. The therapist who had done the evaluation had suggested transferring schools, so I knew I wouldn’t be going back to West Martin. Many times I’d thought about my locker and what Becca and her friends had done. I could have abandoned al the stuff had it not been for the locket. Knowing that our friendship was over, I wanted that locket.

“I want to get stuff from my locker,” I said, knowing by the time we arrived at the school most students would already be gone.

Mom quickly sat up. She looked at me through the rear-view mirror, gauging my expression. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Skye. I’l get your stuff for you tomorrow.”

I could’ve let her, but I worried about not finding the necklace. “No, this is something I want to do.” I ran my fingers across the seatbelt fabric, taking comfort in the texture.

“Skye, the way you described the locker…I don’t think you need to go back there,” Mom said. “We can take care of it.”

“Please listen. I want to do this. I left something that means a lot. Please let me get it. It’s important.” I swalowed hard and folded my arms across my chest. “I’m sure the janitors have cleaned it up.”

Mom and Warren exchanged looks, and finaly mom said,

“Okay, honey. We’l go there now.”

“Thank you.” I stared out the window, watching the landscape blur until we puled into the school parking lot. Most rows where students parked were empty; only the rows teachers used were almost ful. As Warren parked and cut the ignition, he looked at me via the rear-view mirror. “You sure you want to do this?”

“Yeah.” Mom started to get out, but I said, “You don’t have to go."

Warren patted her hand. "I'l go with her."

“No, I want to do this by myself.” I couldn’t believe I was saying this. I was terrified to go inside that school alone, but something inside told me I needed to. Al my life I’d had my mom or Devin to protect me. Now Warren was trying. The fact was that they couldn’t. I couldn’t even realy protect myself. The best I could do was learn how to face the bad things on my own two feet and accept the consequences of my mistakes.

Mom frowned. “I don’t think that’s wise, Skye.”

Warren set his hand on hers. “It’s okay, Helen. Let her go.” The two of them exchanged glances, and I expected my mother to argue, but she finaly nodded.

“Don’t take too long, okay?”

“Okay.” I opened the door and stiffly walked to the entrance. As I touched the door handle, I took a deep breath and forced myself to go inside. As the school was mostly deserted, it was easy to walk down the halway. Stil, some students had stayed, probably for band practice or sports, and whenever I sensed someone else coming, I averted my gaze and walked faster. As I approached my locker door, images of the last time I'd been there flashed into my head. Although my locker door was clean I stil remembered the red words scrawled across it. Forcing myself to keep walking, I stepped up to it, my hand trembling too badly to open it.

"They cleaned up the mess."

I jumped. Turning, I spotted Jimmy Sorensen standing beside me, a thoughtful frown on his face. "How are you?"

Cringing, I shook my head. "I…don't know." I looked at the locker again, tasting bile.

"Bethany Fields saw Becca paint your locker, and her mom has to pay for the damages. She's been suspended for the rest of the year." He waited for me to say something, but I couldn't. He puled his hands out of his jacket pockets and leaned against the next locker, his silver watch band glittering. "I know you asked me to keep my mouth shut about the party, but when I saw you open this locker, and al that…stuff,,, fel onto you, I couldn't stand back and watch anymore." Again, he waited for me to respond, his lips forming a determined frown. "Skye, say something. Anything."

Again I tried to muster the courage to open my locker.

Again my trembling fingers refused to grasp the lever. "I…can't."

Nausea assaulted me, and my breath dwindled to shalow gasps.

Nodding, Jimmy nudged my hand out of the way and gently tugged the door open. In my mind, a tumult of images assailed me, and I lifted both hands to block the bloody dols avalanching toward me, crying out.

"Skye?" Jimmy said, laying his hands on my shoulders, holding me steady. "There's nothing there," he said gently. "The locker is empty."

Chewing my bottom lip, I looked at the locker, empty, save for the mirror hanging on the door. I glanced at it and saw my reflection, but a red paint smear at eye level distorted the reflection.

The girl looking back at me was different. Her eyes were haunted, and her pursed lips appeared seamed together as though she would never be able to speak again. I reached onto the top shelf. Empty?

Oh, God! It has to be there!

"The office has your stuff, most was ruined by the red dye."

I kept searching, despair hitting so hard. I'd lost my best friend. I couldn't lose that locket. At last, however, my fingers happened across the fine chain link I carefuly tugged down.

The locket.

My shoulders slumped as I finaly relaxed, holding it in my closed fist. As I closed the locker, I turned to Jimmy. "Thank you for al you’ve done."

Jimmy frowned and shook his head as he shoved his hands deep into his pockets. "You don't have to thank me, Skye. I saw somebody treat you badly and tried to fix it. That's what friends do.

Besides, while there are people like Tyler and Becca in this world, there are also people like me and Devin."

I brushed the hair from my eyes. "Why did you help? You and I have never been close. So why?"

He shrugged. "I have a sister. She's two years younger than you are, and if anyone had treated her the way Tyler treated you, I'd kil him." He nodded down the hal. “I've got practice, so I need to go. But if you ever need something, you know where to find me, okay?"

"Yeah." I waited until Jimmy had gone to slowly uncurl my fingers and look at the necklace. Although I'd feared Becca's vandalism might have damaged it, I noticed the gold sparkled just as it had before. Although the clasp and a few chain links were gone, it could be repaired. I closed my fist around it, lamenting that our friendship could not.

"Skye?"

Shoving my hands in my pockets, I turned to find Kelin there. Without thinking, I braced my shoulders and back up against the locker.

"What are you doing here?" he asked softly, dangling car keys and letter jacket from his hand. "I thought you were stil in the…hospital."

"I just got out."

Nodding, he said, "I tried to visit you, but your mom felt it would just upset you."

I slipped the locket in my pocket and puled my hand out. "I didn't want to see anyone, Kelin." I nodded toward my locker.

"I'm just trying to gather my stuff." I thought about the locket, trying to envision it instead of Kelin. "Don't you have practice?" Since Jimmy had just departed, I knew that was one way of getting rid of Kelin.

Shaking his head, he said, "I quit the team yesterday and turned in my jersey today." He looked at the locker.

"Why? You had scholarships." A chil ran through me , and I shuddered.

"I don't think I want them now." He shrugged and put on his jacket. "In fact, I'd just as soon forget this whole year, but I don't think that's going to happen." His blue eyes sought me out. "More than anything I wanted to apologize because I didn't believe you at first. Since that last fight we had, I haven't been able to forget those bruises. I was stupid about Tyler and Becca—and maybe it's partly my fault that you…" His voice died away and he looked at his keys, his trembling fingers tracing the rough edge. "I told my parents not to press charges against Devin. At least he tried to protect you…."

He closed his fingers around the keys. Sensing my discomfort with the topic, he stepped back. Hard worry lines creased his forehead, and I realized I wasn't the only one changed. His shoulders slumped slightly, and he licked his lips, moistening them. "I just wanted to tel you I'm sorry. I realy am." His gaze lingered before he turned and walked the opposite way Jimmy had gone.

I leaned against the locker and closed my eyes, wishing I could forget al the stuff that had happened, but I knew I couldn't. I had no control over the past, but I stil had the future. I numbly walked back to the car, and as I passed by the front, I felt both Mom and Warren watching me, looking for signs that I was crumbling again. I got in behind Mom and closed the door.