Of Stars & Lies (4 page)

Loveren's arm rubs against his back before he snakes his hand through the gap and pulls Cade's hands apart. When his fingers lock with his and the warmth travels into him, hope slips inside his heart.

“
Come with me.” Love's voice is husky, but not filled with the hatred Cade expected from his confession. The voice is the same one he can hear singing that
stupid
pop song he can't stop listening to because it reminds him of the times they cuddled as teenagers—a time before life came between them. It's the voice that melts his mind into a fumbling mess and makes him smile like a
lunatic
.

“
Where are we going?”

As Love gets to his feet and pulls him up to join him, Cade stumbles as his feet connect with his and he falls forward.

“Sorry,” he mumbles as his mate's strong grip grasps his arms to keep them both from tumbling over.

A warm breath graces his lips, so close he could claim them if he had the guts. He almost does until Love pulls away with a hollow chuckle. 

“Let's get back to mine. I dunno about you, but I'm freezing my balls off out here.”

***

Silence sits between them on the way home, but unlike before, it doesn't feel awkward as both keep drifting into their own reflection. He's chuffed Love remains a step in front while he swings their arms because he cannot stop himself from grinning. His palm sticks to Love's and, every few minutes, he will give it a light squeeze to make his grin widen even further.

Over the span of his lifetime, he has got shit-faced in clubs and picked up random guys. He would take them home and hope he could forget about Love in time. They would fall into his apartment with their hands and mouths all over one another, but the truth was, he forgot each encounter straight after. He wanted to feel alive, but knew only one person could help him achieve that—a guy that can't enjoy living to its fullest. Honestly, not once did he enjoy any tryst half as much as he enjoys sitting on the sofa talking rubbish with Love. So, when they step through the front door, he expects nothing more than that. He is content with that.

When Love disappears into the bedroom, he scoops up his beer from the coffee table and empties the frothy remnants in the sink.

“
Yeah, you're so rock and roll,” Love calls.

Cade chuckles as he throws the can in the trash. “Didn't you hear rock and roll is sensible now?”

Once he turns the lights off, he steps into the bedroom to find Love propped on the pillow. A forest green t-shirt with a yellow emblem on the front clings to his firm body. The sleeves hug his biceps as they relax with his hands against his stomach. Wisps of dark hair poke out from the collar, calling Cade's attention to the place he has longed to run his tongue over for years. Something about chest hair drives him wild with lust, but none more than Love's.

His lean, muscular legs poke out from his loose boxers as he stretches them across the inviting sheets. Cade traces his mate's body upwards from his perfectly shaped toes to the hint of what lies beneath the material. He sees Loveren this way all the time, but now something is different. He cannot tell if he's imagining it, but the change is impossible to ignore.

The lamp casts a subtle orange warmth over the room where it would otherwise carry a chill. The bed calls him to venture further inside, so he complies with a renewed confidence. His feet are still sore from last night, but the heartache the nightmare brought on is nowhere to be found now. This time, when he creeps up to the bed, the action doesn't fill him with guilt, but an excitement he can barely contain.

Cade slips his t-shirt off, aware the emerald eyes opposite are following his every move. When he lets the top fall to the floor, he raises his eyebrows as he waits to hear a grunt to signal Love's usual disproval, but only a smile finds him. So he unzips his jeans and lets them fall around his ankles to join it. He fights his socks and the cuffs over his feet while hopping on the carpet to cause the cuts around his toes to sting.

When he is free of the clothes, he stalks the bed with his thoughts running feral. He would like nothing more than to have skin to skin contact, but when Love's eyes stare up at him, his body trembles.

Being in his presence is good enough.

“
What're you doing?”

Cade says nothing as he crawls onto the bed, and with a light nudge, he pushes Love's hands from his stomach and settles his head there instead.

Loveren holds his hands in the air for a moment, confused where to place them. He isn't the cuddling type, neither has he ever been, but soon, he is wrapping one arm around Cade's neck and caressing his back.

Cade can hear Loveren's heartbeat speed into a fevered pace as it throbs against his ear and, for the first time in his life, he feels like he is home.

Six

  
 
Loveren lies there staring at the clock. The time is twenty past two, and he is yet to find sleep. His mind struggles in and out of thoughts he cannot bare to part with. The main thought encompassing his brain is Cade's soft voice confessing his love. Those words weave themselves into his chest until he feels ready to explode.

He was falling asleep on the sofa earlier. And, although cold and irritated, the lazy wave of sleep circled him in the park. Yet, his mind snapped into life once he closed his eyes and snuggled close to Cade. Now, he cannot find what he seeks.

The usual course of action would be to get up and watch television. The bland faces and ordinary conversations will soon have him snoring through boredom, but he cannot drag himself away from the body in his bed. Cade is closer than he has ever been, so to trade his heat for the chill outside the blanket would be stupid.

He turns onto his side and snuggles his face into Cade's neck. Without the material between Cade's stomach and his wandering hand, Love dances his fingertips over the smoothness. His skin is clammy to the touch, and every few minutes, he moans in the throes of sleep. Yet, the moans are not filled with pleasure.

Loveren has heard him this way many times over the years—enough to know he is having that
damn
nightmare again. In a minute, his soft moans will become harsh. Words will become screams and he will thrash about the sheets trying to fight off the intruder.

Loveren could wake him, but doesn't. He knows from experience it doesn't stop the dream from finding him. The only way to rid him of the terror is to go through it. So, he watches him, waiting for the inevitable to occur. The least he can do is be here to cuddle when he wakes.

On queue, Cade's body releases tiny trembles at first. Moments later, his limbs jolt and his breathing increases. When his moans become pleas, Love's heart aches for not intervening.

Loveren runs his fingers down Cade's bicep and whispers words of encouragement. He tells him everything will be okay because he's here and, for a while at least, those words sooth his demons.

If I could take the bad away, I would. If only you knew that.

The time is quarter past three when Cade's mumbles begin again, stirring Love from the shallow edges of sleep. When he glances at him, the moonlight highlights the rise of his cheek and his eyelids as the scrunch together. Those beautiful lashes flicker and his lips part to replay his earlier messages.

Loveren watches his shoulders rise and fall with panicked breathing before his hand reaches for him. His fingers land on Loveren's loose underwear before he clenches the material within his fist, and exhales sharply through his nostrils.

With his fingers warm from hiding beneath the covers, Loveren strokes his cheek and places a damp kiss between his eyes. The action freezes Cade in place with a stoic expression.

“
I'm here,” he reminds him.

Cade's lips curl up at the corners before they drop into a frown again.

If Cade's father wasn't in prison, serving a lifetime sentence for murder, no words would help. His mate is lucky he only ended up with a scar from the fateful night he is reliving in his sleep. If the knife was another inch to the left, it would have pierced his liver, and he'd have bled out before Loveren got to him.

Love thanks old jealously for something at least. Had he not been following him home, events would have turned out differently. At least Cade picked no one up from the club that night, which most likely spared a life.

Cade's father cannot handle his only son being gay, but that is just the first step up a tall tower of problems his father has. Cade grew up with his father's insecurities from living under his mental illnesses and strange belief system for far too long.

Guess that's why he wants me to get better so bad. He wants me back because he couldn't get his dad back once the problems took hold.

He knows there's more to it than that, but that's apart of the reason.

Am I part of the problem? Will I be enough for him? Good enough?

Now he is back awake, those
damn
thoughts and questions run rampant through his mind until they're all he can think about. He has never felt good enough for Cade, but now he knows how his mate feels, his worry switches to whether he will be another disappointment. Will he just be someone else who winds up hurting him like his father did?

No, I won't let that happen.

“
I couldn't hurt you,” he whispers between the sheets. “Never.”

“Hmm,
Love?”

“
I'm here,” Love reminds him with a squeeze.

The moon outlines Cade's smile before he urges his body forward to lean his face against Loveren's chest. Love wraps his strong hand around him for protection and drops gentle kisses in his hair.

Dampness mingles with the hair on Loveren's chest, which can mean only one thing: he must have been crying in his sleep. The knowledge makes Love pledge to make this recurring nightmare disappear. He doesn't know how he'll do it, but he won't rest until that smile is on Cade's face the entire night.

Seven

     Since that night, Loveren has woken to the same sight each morning—shimmering hazel eyes and smiling lips. The most beautiful sight he believes exists.

It has been a week since his mate's confession and Love guesses they are much more than mates now. Only, without the physical side, which is becoming a huge problem. Not to Cade. He would never say a word about it if it were up to him. But to Love it is becoming a weight upon his mind he cannot take any longer.

If I can't please him, how long can I hold onto him?

It is the sole thought that comes each morning after seeing those perfect eyes. That perfect smile.

So, he has come up with a plan: he must stop taking the pills. With any luck, he can convince Dr Mills to change his medication at his appointment later. Even a smaller dose of
Citropram
might spring life into his non-responsive genitals.

Cade pushes one leg out the quilt as he stretches. Once the cold catches him, he reels the golden limb back inside with a shiver.

How is his complexion sun-kissed all the time?

A sun bed isn't something Cade has, or would consider; he can't even stand sunbathing.

“
It'll go well, you'll see.”

The headboard whines as he fidgets as though he is under scrutiny. When he turns to him, Cade is wearing a grin that only furthers his unease.

“
The doctors will give you what you want.”

How does he know what I'm thinking all the time? I'm going to have to defend my thoughts better.

“
You can't, you're an open book.”

Love closes his mouth and tries to rid the violation in his expression.

“What I want? And there was me thinking you only wanted me for my body.”

Cade sniggers loud to make his point. “Oh, I want your body, trust me. What I mean is: you're worrying about making me happy. Well, congratulations, you've done that. You do every second I'm with you. Even when I'm not, I'm smiling and that is all because of you.”

A moist kiss lands on his stubbled cheek.

“
You know, we don't have to wait,” Love purrs.

He slips his body over the hottest guy to ever lie underneath him. While urgent fingers run over his body, he pushes Cade's thighs apart with his knee. Cade's warm legs wraps around him in an embrace that joins them together. As his firm thighs tighten around his back and pull him closer, a seductive smile finds Love, summoning him closer to claim those plump lips.

They lose themselves in one another, and it isn't long before Cade's arousal drives into his groin. As soon as Love feels his length, he pulls back to stare down into his eyes. The clouds may have taken the sky, but they cannot steal his sunshine.

“
We can do something else.” With a grin, Love is dipping inside his lover's boxers when a hand stops him.

“
Not yet.”

“
I want to make you feel good. It will take the edge off until—”

“
No.” Cade eases out from beneath the weight after he releases his grip from Loveren's lower back. The scratch of Cade's curly hair from his legs slips away, leaving Loveren feeling lost despite them still touching.

Love pushes up enough to allow Cade some leeway to pull himself onto his elbows. When it becomes uncomfortable, he straddles his legs.

“
Look, I haven't bottomed for years. You know it's not my thing, but I'm willing to try—”

“
Shut up, will you,” Cade interrupts. “I forgot how worked up you get when you start panicking.”

“
I'm not panicking.”

“
Sure,” he replies with sarcasm claiming his voice. “I don't want us doing anything yet. You can see how much I want this.” He gestures to the bulge straining against his underwear with a chuckle. “I've been waiting for this since I can remember and, when we do, I want us both to feel it.”

“Are y
ou sure?” Love leans his lips to Cade's ear and nips the lobe. “I can always use my mouth.”

Cade pulls Love's jaw toward him and drops a quick peck on his chin.

“Get ready for the doctors before I lose my resolve,” he laughs as he pushes the strong thighs off him.

Deflated, Loveren sighs. If the doctor refuses to drop his dose, he doesn't know what he will do. But if it means keeping Cade, he knows he will do whatever it takes.