Of Stars & Lies (5 page)

Eight

   
 
Loveren pulls his medication free from the side table. He slips the foil sleeve of pills out the box and pops a round pill into his palm.

The doctors advised him to stay on the course he is on and continue with the therapy sessions. With his suicide attempt in the past, Dr Mills was reluctant to change something that is, in his words, “working like magic”.

The physical side of his new relationship with Cade will have to go on hold for the foreseeable future.

He places the tablet on his tongue and reaches for the glass of water before he draws back. He plucks the pill from his mouth and holds it before his face.

“You're the problem,” he tells the pill. At the moment, he cannot name one good reason he has for taking them in.

“If I take you out the equation, then life will be great,” he smirks.

With hesitation, he replaces the pill into the open packet and closes the box. In the front room, he stuffs the box into the back of the desk drawer, and covers it with folders and random paper.

I shouldn't be doing this.

He almost reaches back inside to retrieve the pills when he spots a photograph stuck to the side of the drawer. When he pulls it free, a grin spreads across his face. He must have missed it while he was sorting the photographs into albums to pass the time, but he is glad to find this one separate from the others.

He remembers where he and Cade were—on a pebbled beach in a caravan park in Devon. They sat on the large rocks talking about everything and anything into the night. And when the stars came out and the tide came in, they climbed the barrier to huddle on the grass. There, they gazed into the endless colours that decorated the sky and brought the darkness to life with effortless beauty.

In the photo, he has his arm around Cade, who has the biggest grin as he faces the camera. Love is staring at Cade with such desire that he had to steal the photograph when they had the camera developed before he could see it and realise the truth.

Instead of hiding it back in the drawer, Loveren leaves it on the desk. When Cade finishes work, he will show him. As for the rest of his day off, Love will spend it thinking about when the medication will wear off no doubt. And how soon he will be able to preform.

After an hour of driving himself crazy with those thoughts, he picks up his jacket and heads out to meet Cade. He hopes his spontaneous idea will be a nice surprise and in no way give the impression he is up to no good. Cade can read him like a book, so he will have to play this smart if he wants to make the only guy he'll ever love believe him.

Nine

 
 
The days pass with effortless devotion. They are inseparable in any spare time they share, and when they eventually have to leave one another's grasp for a while, their minds only contain each other. The time he spends wrapped within Cade's arms is pure bliss, especially when the side effects of the medication begin to wear off.

He hates the lies he keeps telling Cade about the medication, but he has no other choice. If Cade finds out, he will make sure he goes back on them, even if he has to guilt trip him into it.

Loveren told him the doctor prescribed new tablets and, in a few days, they can test the effects. Cade has many questions he keeps asking about the tablets, so he has been making up
mumble jumble
ever since. He manages to fob him off every time Cade asks about them, but it makes him feel like crap.

The entire lie has one fantastic advantage though: he is now experiencing erections. Until yesterday morning, he was positive he would never have sex again. He'd convinced himself the pills had done permanent damage when his emotions started returning, but his body still wasn't reacting. Then, to his delight, he woke up to a stiff and throbbing member brushing up against Cade's ass. It took every inch of him to not act on it then. Instead, he rolled out the bed and dressed before his partner could stir.

Cade wants their first time to be special and not a quick fumble with morning breath. Although, after so long, Loveren knows it will be a miracle if he lasts more than two minutes, especially with Cade touching him.

If he acts rash, he knows, he might blow the whole web of lies he's been telling wide open. Then he will risk never getting to taste and bury himself inside Cade's sweet body.

He'll never forgive me if he finds out.

He takes a sip of his steaming coffee and grimaces.

“
So you will come, right?”

I sure hope so.

“
Yeah, definitely. It will be good to see you guys again.”

“
We all miss you, man. It hasn't been the same.” The guy polishes off his Fanta and belches. “It'll be great playing back here again. Did Greg tell you about moving back?”

“
I haven't spoken to him in awhile,” he admits as he settles back against the sofa and watches Matt place his glass down to explain.

“
Greg wants to settle down. He's becoming a daddy in three months. So, this is our last gig. We knew it was our last tour, but it's still emotional, you know?”

“
Couldn't you replace him?”

“
Well, like I said to the guys, there's no point. We aren't getting any younger, and if a label were going to sign us, they would have by now.”

“
You're giving up?”

“
No. There comes a time when you have to draw a line under your dreams. I'll still do it as a hobby, but I wouldn't mind settling down and doing nine to five after all the crazy years.”

Love laughs—an honest laugh. “I can't see you doing that.”

“
Me either. I'm moving back here though, so you'll be seeing more of me.”

“
Right. So, the real reason you're coming back is because you're worried about me.”

Matt, Greg, James and himself were solid at school. When they left, they started a band called 'Sorrows and Dreams'. Loveren was the obvious choice for vocalist, and sure, he practised with them often, but they were serious about chasing music careers. Love may have shared the dream too if it wasn't for the fear of leaving Cade behind. So, he broke their hearts and found his own passion in writing. He even wrote a lot of their lyrics in the early days so he could still contribute.

“
I would be lying if I said I wasn't, but it's more than that. We were never going to get anywhere without you.”

They travelled around the country preforming in bars and clubs. Matt turned down offers early on with the belief something better would come along. Five years later, nothing did.

“
You never needed me.”

“
Of course we did—you were the talent.”

Matt joins him in laughing this time, yet his eyes are wide and carry concern.

“
This is because of what I said, isn't it?”

“
No, the dream is dead and we're stuck with the sorrow. Greg's adamant about being a proper father and James wants to move sticks to Solihull and settle down with Cassey.”

“
And you?”

“
Like I said, nine to five.”

“
You're back to babysit me, I know it. I told you I'm fine, okay? I've never felt better now I'm hooked up and off the pills. Trust me.”

Matt rests his elbows on his knees and rakes a hand through his gold locks. “I trust you, man. I'm still moving back though. There's only so many chicks you can hook up with before you hear your mum talking in your head. 'It's not right, Matty, you should have a family of your own by now' and all that bullshit.”

The words sound like Matt. Yet, Love doesn't miss the undertone lingering below the surface. It could be the medication that's no longer in his system that's causing a slither of paranoia, but he doubts it.

“
It will be great to see you and hang out like we used to. I miss that.”

Loveren nods and drums his fingers against his leg. He will let it go for now because there's no point in arguing after not seeing him for five months. It will be good having him back; Cade sure will be happy when he finds out. Plus, where's a better place to end their run than in their hometown?

“
So you'll be there?”

“
I'll be in the front row.”

Matt grins and gets to his feet. “I'll see you tomorrow then.”

At the door, Love calls out as he watches the lean shape head down the corridor. “Can I bring my date?”

Matt's infectious chuckle echoes against the walls and back to him.
“
Sure. Are you going to tell me who the unlucky guy is yet?”

“
It's a surprise!”

With that said, Matt spins back around and continues on his way, chuckling to himself as he goes. Love hears something hollow and untrustworthy in that laugh and, once he closes the door, the sound only intensifies.

I'm imagining it. Yeah, just imagining it.

Ten

     “
Where are we going?”

“
On our first official date.”

“
If you take me to a restaurant, it'll be the last one too.”

Cade finds eating in front others awkward. It all started when James was celebrating his fifth birthday with a bouncy castle party. Cade was eating lime jelly on a paper plate when a wasp flew into his mouth and he choked. With a crimson face and tears in his eyes, he glared around to find all eyes on him. No one rushed to help as his throat started to swell after the insect stung him, except himself and James's mother. Although so many years behind them, the experience still scars him to this day.

Love laughs and informs him of his plans. What he doesn't tell him though is what he hopes will happen after.

“
I can't believe they're leaving the music behind. Don't you ever wish you'd gone with them?”

Most of Cade's possessions are here now, cluttering Loveren's tiny apartment, but he couldn't be happier.

“
And missed going on the best holiday of my life? No way.”

Cade's fingers dance along the photo he spotted as soon as they bound through the door. He lifts the photo and smiles as he recalls the sweet memories Loveren did earlier.

“Yeah, but you could have been huge. If they've had you, they'd have been a hit, I know it. You could have gone to white, sandy beaches instead of rocky, cold ones. You'd have had your pick of anyone too.”

“
I wouldn't have had you,” Love responds as though it answers everything. To him, it does. “Plus, I've not said this, but there's a charming quality to pebbled beaches and stormy seas.”

“
Why didn't you tell me?”

Loveren shrugs and offers him an honest answer. “I didn't think I was good enough for you. Besides, life is too short to be chasing someone else's dream.”

“
You said you wanted to get away from this place, so I was sure you were going to leave with them.”

“
Any place without you is no place I want to be. No place will ever be.”

Cade pushes the photo along the desk and wraps his arms around Love as he leans into him. “And you were always good enough.”

***

People crowd the club, and it becomes clear straight away the front row is out the question. Most partygoers are on foot, so they nab a circular table beside the dance floor as close to the stage as they can get.

Love orders a beer and an orange juice. Nothing would take the edge off like a cool beer, but unless he explains the reason he can consume alcohol now, he decides it's wise to avoid it.

The ten minutes they wait for the band to come on stage fills with music from a local DJ. Dance music isn't a favourite of his, in fact, he hates the volume just as much as the fevered beat each tune carries. But he grits his teeth and endures it for the sake of his old friends and the most amazing guy in the world who is finally his.

The clatter of glasses and people in large groups detracts from the words between them. Each time either needs to speak, they have to shout in one another's ear. And, while he appreciates the closeness, it soon becomes tedious, so they wind up lip reading.

The idea to come here might not have been the best. People keep staring over and winking, or making their feelings towards their relationship known. With the pills he could handle that, now it isn't so easy. Cade, as ever, doesn't let it bother him though as he continues to grin his way, so he is happy enough. That is all Loveren cares about.

After twenty minutes of awful music, the DJ
finally
announces the band on the stage, so Love asks if he wants another beer before they begin. He doesn't.

He must be expecting something memorable tonight. Either that, or he doesn't want to be rude with me not drinking.

When Sorrows and Dreams come out, Cade whispers how much they've all changed. From time to time, Love speaks to each member on
Skype
and texts and calls, so it doesn't make much difference to him.

Greg is getting a gut and James has inherited his father's receding hairline, which he tries to hide behind a wavy fringe. Matt looks the same as always, just with dark bags under his eyes and more stubble than he had days ago.

Matt spots him and nods. He's the one who said he should come clean with his feelings for Cade, so he must be pleased to see him turn up as his date.

If only I hadn't been so stubborn and told him sooner.

***

The music is great and raises the atmosphere. Couples embrace on the dance floor and on the tables. Groups cheer and raise their glasses to say a fond farewell to the band. Yet, Love finds himself at the foot of the stage, ready to wreck the night's happiness.

Why the hell am I even doing this?

To ask for a reunion is one thing, but this is something else.

This is ridiculous. I'm ridiculous.

Romantic notions have eluded him in life this far. The idea might pay off, but without his medication, his mind is soaring. Sure, this may be a terrible idea, but it could also be the most rewarding. He won't know until he tries.

“
Hey, man. I'm glad you came.”

Love bumps Matt's fist and compliments the set. He knows a handful of the old songs like he knows his own books because he wrote them himself. Although, he has to admit, it still sounds strange to hear his words sang back to him.

“Shame it's the last time you'll get to play in front of a huge crowd.”

“
We went out on a high though. Sure beats having glasses thrown at us,” Matt comments with a chuckle.

“
Did that ever happen?”

“
Sure, a few times actually.”

Love laughs with him and glances back over to Cade, whose smile beams. And, in that instant, he knows his plan will work.

“
Listen, can I ask a favour?”

“
Sure, anything for my best bud.”

***

Matt isn't sure it's a good idea, and tells him so, but agrees. If Loveren is willing to make a complete tool of himself, then who is he to stop him?

Now, sitting on the stool with an old friend in his hands, Loveren wishes he had listened. With the pills shoved in the back of the drawer, the eyes in the crowd burn into his demeanor and force his nerves into overdrive. The pair piercing through him the most are Cade's golden orbs. When the lights go back down, they shine like the stars. His expression is a mixture of surprise and expectation, so Love knows this has to be good.

He fidgets to get comfortable, but no matter how he sits, he remains awkward. With the mic level and his fingers trembling, he reads the lyrics in his mind. It has been a good while since he preformed, least of all in front of the man he wants to impress. He has practised the tune for days in the hope to sing it while sitting around the fire, or in bed, but not in front of anyone else.

Yet, he homes in on those eyes and draws him in to make it as intimate as possible. Why should they not share their love with the rest of the world, anyway? He wants to show them all how much this beautiful guy means to him, even if that involves public humiliation. After the numbness, a little humiliation might be good.

When Matt introduces him to the growing crowd, a round of applause greets him. The response does nothing to calm his nerves, but feeds his confidence a little and reminds him to take a breath.

Once Matt leaves the stage, Love's feet tremble against the stool and he shuffles to find steady ground. Then, before he realises it, his fingers are strumming against the strings, causing the crowd to fall silent. He can tell every one of those faces is listening to pin-point the song. They know it, they just can't place it.

He spares a glance toward Cade to verify his approval before he starts singing. The beautiful smile Loveren finds urges him on, so he fills the room with his husky voice. He hears a handful of sniggers when people realise the song as he gets into it, but he pushes them away. When he eases into the chorus, he finds his rhythm and his nerves fall away
just like old times
.

It may be a cheesy pop song to most, but it means a lot to Cade. And, now he allows himself to drift back into memories of childhood, he can find meaning in the words too. The amount of nights he lay in bed wishing Cade was there with him is countless. In this life, he knows Cade is the only one for him.

He always has been.

With a fresh dose of confidence, Love glances through the grinning faces again to find the only one in this whole place that means anything to him. His lips are tight together and his eyes gleam with a light sheen within the ceiling lights. The sight brings a gush of warmth to his own, and the sudden realisation of how intense his emotions are for Cade takes over. His words falter as he chokes back the tears, but like a true professional, he continues until the end.

***

“
I knew I was right to pick that song,” Cade whispers into the nape of his neck as he embraces him.

“You mean t
he one I didn't sing and wreck, right?”

As Cade pulls back, he smacks his arm with a chuckle. “It was perfect like I knew it would be.”

A guy with a chequered shirt and goatee claps Love on the back. “That was great, man.”

The room burst into cheers once he finished. He didn't realise he could miss something he didn't even want, but he cannot lie and say the appreciation isn't nice. After months of being numb, he might be able to clear his desk and get back to gaining appreciation that way.

“
So you liked it?”

“
I loved it like I love you, Love.”

Love traces the corner of Cade's arched lips and along his jaw line. “I love you too.”

Once those words are out, Cade's mouth drops further down his face as panic bolts through his eyes. “You don't have to say that.”

“
I know I haven't said it before, but I have loved you for years. I didn't want to say it without feeling it, but now I can.”

“
You mean?” Cade's eyes gesture south with hope.

“Do you w
ant to go back to the apartment and test it?”

Cade reads his lips over the return of the DJ's terrible music, then nods with enthusiasm. He tells him he is going to the toilet first and heads through the crowd with haste.

This is finally it.

Once they get into the privacy of the bedroom, Loveren will get what he has fantasised about since he can remember. His fantasies of Cade led him to discover he was gay before he even knew what that word meant.

The thought of getting into bed with him tonight though fills him with excitement and a heavier dose of anxiety. But he has no time to consider the hours—or minutes—ahead as a firm hand seizes his shoulder.

“That rocked!”

“
I'm glad I didn't choke. It's been a long time.”

“
Don't worry, you nailed it! I've missed seeing you on stage. Where's your date gone, anyway?” Matt winks and glances through the crowd. “Don't tell me, he didn't like your rendition.”

“
He loved it. You know, it's Cade's favourite.”

“
Don't you think that's strange?”

“
Yeah, it's a terrible song.”

“
No, don't you think it's strange to sing it?”

Through the crowd, Love spots Cade and grins.

“
No, that's the whole point. Look, I appreciate what you did tonight. I've got to go though.”

“
Hold up,” Matt calls. “At least come and hang with the guys for an hour, they've missed you.”

“
I'm sorry, okay? We can meet up in the week. I've got something important to do tonight.” Love pats his arms and hurries to catch Cade, who is already heading to the door.